It's all about the journey

How to know the will of God

2012-01-24T13:52:00.001-06:00

Over the course of our 12+ years of marriage, Brad and I have had to make some very difficult decisions. With every choice or crossroad, we have often sought God's will for our lives concerning most everything. Job changes, moves, children, extra responsibilities, our budget, family issues...the list goes on and on. We yearn and desire to do what He wants us to. And as we've prayed and wrestled with our own personal longings to do God's will over the years, intermixed with that have been many long discussions with students who are wrestling with the same thing.

It seems for believers in Jesus Christ, that knowing His will for their lives is crucial to daily living and decision making.

Yet, for myself personally and for those I've ministered to, knowing God's will doesn't always come easy.

Why is that?

I think sometimes we aren't really open to God's will. We may have our plans made already and not have even considered other alternatives. We quickly glance over Scripture passages that would offer us warning or brush aside some Godly council. We talk about wanting to do God's will, but do we really?

Sometimes I wonder if we think God is being elusive or teasing us about His will for our lives. It's as if He wants to make us guess or work really hard to figure it out. We think if we just prayed harder or make dozens of lists of pros and cons, just maybe we'll be able to put our finger on it.

In many cases, we don't consider fully the way that God communicates His will. He does it through a variety of ways. Through His Word...through Godly council...through open and closes doors...through our own passions and desires...through circumstances. Not one painful experience or a late night conversation with a friend is overlooked in God's economy. He is not shy in communicating to us.

Our former senior pastor and Brad began a preaching series on I Thessalonians in September and this year I am studying several of Paul's Epistles in Bible Study Fellowship...currently I and II Thessalonians. And as I've been studying this past week, several verses literally popped off the pages.

Want to know what God's will is for you?

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified..." I Thess. 4:3

and...

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess. 5:16-18

Please hear me friends. I know that there are important decisions to make. What college to attend, who to marry, which car to buy, what college major to have, how to spend your money, where to move, when to start having children... I get that, I really do. Brad and I have had some super huge decisions of late. But, as we are sitting in a "waiting room" of sorts...waiting until the last week of February until knowing if Brad has been accepted into Bethlehem Seminary or not...I've realized there's a lot that God has spoken already about His will and my obedience to it.

Here are just a few of the things we all should be doing...which is God's will for believers:

* avoid sexual immorality (4:3)

* learn to control own body in a way that is holy and honorable (4:7)

* love each other...and continue to do so more and more (4:10)

* lead a quiet life...mind your own business...work with your hands and not be dependent on anyone (4:11-12)

* respect those who work hard around us...who are over us in the Lord and who admonish you (5:12)

* live at peace with each other (5:13)

* warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone (5:14)

* do not pay back wrong for wrong (5:15)

* be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances (5:16-18)

* do not put out the Spirit's fire (5:19)

* test everything and hold onto the good (5:21)

* avoid every kind of evil (5:22)

God has given us plenty of things that we can already be doing as He continually shows us His general and specific will for each of our lives.

I think I could spent the next year alone working on having patience with everyone and giving thanks in all circumstances.

And for those of you feeling overwhelmed by this list of "duties," listen to I Thess. 5:24:

"The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it."

Can we each know the will of God for our lives? Yes, we can!

Is it impossible to do the will of God, once we've become aware of it? No, but it can be done in God's mighty power!

Be encouraged! Whatever it is that God is calling you to do and wherever you are today...in the waiting room or beginning a scary, new adventure...you can know God's will and He will empower you to do it.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:6

Name that picture!

2012-01-22T20:19:00.002-06:00

This picture is begging for a caption.

Do I have any takers?

And yes, Boy Wonder here is at least wearing his undies. I think he was in between a "costume change" when he decided to jump in his tool box.

Never a dull moment...

Advent 2011

2012-01-17T22:53:00.008-06:00

I LOVE Christmas! I love planning for it...I love decorating...I love making cookies...I really love every little detail about it!

I especially love thinking through Advent Activities for our children every year.

The only trouble with my great obsession and contemplation and preparation about this time of the year was our very busy family schedule...right around the 1st of December this past year.

Brad preached a lot this past fall and in addition to his preaching schedule, he taught a weekly men's leadership class, took part in a twice a month preaching class, attended countless elder meetings, prepared for his first "wedding," and filled out a MOUNTAIN of paperwork (and one 12 page paper) for his seminary application.

Ugh. I get dizzy just thinking about the last couple of months...

Anyway, our Advent Activities started a bit late, but we had a great time doing them each day. But as I was going through pictures, I realized I took only a few pictures of a handful of projects. And our newest activity, a "Jesse Tree" which I loved was completely undocumented in digital form.

Ugh. Let it go...it's okay...

"Hi. My name is Jenny, and I suffer from 'mommy guilt'."

A little confession is good for the soul. I feel much better!

Now where was I? Oh, right!

Here are a couple of the activities we did this past December.

Decorating the tree...

Caleb really is a cutie...when he's not trying to drive one of his trucks over his sister or trying to climb up bookcases...

And what was Hannah's obsession this past Christmas? Keeping a close eye on Baby Jesus from the nativity scene. She made it her job to always know where he was!

We also made a bunch of Christmas cards to hand out when we went Christmas caroling. I love how Caleb sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating really hard. Just like daddy!

Pretty, pretty!

Thank God for color wonder! (Hannah was desperate to join in on the fun.)

Then I attached ribbon and a little card with the words, "Merry Christmas" for the residents of the nursing home we visited.

We also made a "countdown to Christmas" for each child. Sammy and Caleb helped Hannah make her Christmas tree one.

Did you notice Caleb's tongue again?

Sammy and Caleb each made links for their individual countdown.

I know this picture is not the greatest one of Sammy, but take a look out my front window. This picture was taken on December 20. Notice anything missing from my Minnesota yard? Crazy, isn't it!

Overall, we had a great time with Advent. Some of our other activities included:

* reading Christmas themed books

* playing Christmas bingo

* making Christmas cookies

* wrapping presents

* reading about the Legend of the Candy Cane

* doing Christmas mazes and coloring sheets

* making a Jesus in a manger craft

* reading from Scripture and hanging our Jesse Tree ornaments every evening

* have a birthday party for Jesus

* a bunch of other things that I can't remember!

As the kids get older, it has become a privilege and a joy to help them focus on the true meaning of Christmas: the coming of our Savior to reconcile us back to our loving and holy Creator.

And that is truly amazing!

Flashback on the 15th

2012-01-15T23:40:00.003-06:00

Problem: What do you do when you read your blog from the previous year and realize it contains various large, gaping holes in your family's life story?

Solution: Make up something completely random to give yourself an excuse to talk about events from the previous year!

Ahem...

As Brad and I are whittling away at our massively long to-do list (comprising of "all the things we should have been doing the last 5 months that we never really got around to doing and that have been driving us crazy" list), we are slowly (and I mean slowly) working our way through a big one: going through, organizing, and editing the hundreds of pictures we took last year.

If any of you know my husband, you realize I'm not kidding. It might actually be up in the thousands.

Gulp.

Anyway, I am glad to report that we are through the first 7 months of 2011 and are just beginning the month of August!

Yippee!

*waits for shouts of encouragement from dedicated blog readers*

cricket, cricket

Come on people, this is a big deal!

Okay, moving along...

As we edit and sort pictures, I'm going to, on the 15th of each month, talk about an event and post some pics from it. You know, so I can get rid of some of that "mommy guilt" I've been carrying around.

Just kidding!

Anyway, these pictures were taken last June. We LOVE the free kid's workshops at Home Depot. We don't always make it every month, but we try to hit several of them a year. Sammy and Caleb love making the projects, and the popcorn can't be beat!

Caleb sticks his tongue out of his mouth when he's concentrating really hard...just like his daddy!

Sammy is a veteran at sanding. I think Brad started taking her when she was just 3.

Don't be deceived by that first pictures of Caleb, though. We have more of these types of pictures than of him actually working!

And what do we do with sweet Hannah? Feed her popcorn and let her play on the lawn mowers...just like good, respectable parents!

Stay tuned to the next exciting Flashback on the 15th!

A Tuesday afternoon adventure

2012-01-11T22:48:00.003-06:00

The weather earlier this week was amazing for January in Minnesota.

Amazing, I tell you!

In fact, it felt downright balmy!

So Brad decided to take us on a family hike through the woods after Sammy was done at school. He had come across some paths near the Mississippi River that he had never explored before and was itching to get out and enjoy the beautiful weather.

You know, before winter decides to show up...

because no matter what it felt like yesterday, cold weather WILL show its ugly face soon.

We drove a couple of miles and headed down a dirt road that had several paths through the woods.

My kids are magnetically charged to large rocks...

climbing on them...make silly faces while on them...

striking a pose.

Yah, no idea where they got that from.

The path took us to the Mississippi's edge. There we stopped, enjoyed the beautiful view, and tried to keep our children from falling in.

Which was quite a feat, I might add. If you know my children, you completely understand.

Brad wanted to loop back and come the way we came, but the kids wanted to follow the path up a hill.

I LOVE this picture!

We had such a sweet time talking and laughing and exploring together. We picked up rocks and sticks and kicked our feet through leaf piles and chatted about our day.

As I was taking pictures, I was overwhelmed by God's incredible blessings in my life: my husband, our children, the time to enjoy a warm day, and the faith to keep us going in the midst of uncertainty.

And, my sweet baby girl who loved holding mama's hand and walking on the crunching snow.

I am truly blessed indeed!

Holding on...

2012-01-10T13:23:00.005-06:00

For the past several months, it's taken the timeless Word of God and some incredible friends to help me "hold on" as my family's circumstances and Brad's job have been changing around me.

On Sunday evening, I was able to get away for a few hours to Caribou to spend some extended time with God. As I was leafing through my Sabbath journal, I stopped at an entry from August 13, 2010. I remember going through a hard time then, and near the end of the entry, I asked God "to provide a way for me". I also wrote out a verse from Isaiah...a verse that a little over a year later would become the life giving source and solid foundation I would need to withstand some additional difficult times.

Isn't God cool like that? Giving me what I need even before I realize how desperately I needed it!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18-19

Each day I find myself making a choice. A choice to either give in to the fear and anxiety of the uncertain future ahead of me and my family...OR to choose to cling to the hope that I have in Christ. The hope that He will provide a way. That He does care deeply for us. And that He does have something better in mind for Brad, me, and our children.

And as much as I am "holding on" each day to my Savior, I know that He is holding onto me as well and has promised to never let me go.

Baby in a bag

2012-01-07T13:48:00.002-06:00

Someone is 21 months old today.

You'll never guess who...

Happy 21 months baby girl!

What is...

2012-01-05T16:08:00.002-06:00

currently taking up most of my living room floor.

What is...

currently on my night stand...some love notes from Sammy and a pile of Christmas cards yet to be read.

What is...

currently organized in 1 of 3 stockpiles I've accumulated since I started couponing.

What is...

currently outside on my driveway. Caleb began with mowing through the snow, next moved to riding his bike, and then finally loaded his wagon full of snow.

2011 Christmas pictures...with bloopers!

2012-01-03T23:31:00.009-06:00

Have you ever wondered how many pictures it takes to get just one semi-reasonable family Christmas picture?

Come on...just play along!

Got your number? Good!

Now, add 87...if that family happens to have a very squirmy, highly active 20 month old.

Apparently I was the only one who received the memo describing how we should all be LOOKING at the camera!

Still got that number in your head? Good. Now add another 36 for good measure.

And THAT should be your total number of tries until you have arrived at your "pretty good, most kids are looking, Hannah's not running away, we're such a cute family" Christmas picture.

Oh, and don't forget to get a picture or two of you and your hubby!

And maybe, just maybe, you'll be blessed enough to get that one picture that will melt your heart for years to come!

After Christmas blues?

2012-01-02T23:55:00.003-06:00

Who said packing away the Christmas decorations didn't have to be as much fun as putting them up?

A fresh, new year!

2012-01-01T22:42:00.003-06:00

I have always loved flipping the calendar from December to January!

I love starting over!

2012 is a clean slate.

It's a new year with new possibilities.

It's an opportunity to do things differently.

It's a chance to start anew!

I'm such a sucker for this kind of stuff!

In the craziness of the last several months (or year and a half for that matter), blogging has been one of the furthest things from my thoughts. I just had to push it out of my mind because thinking about all that I wasn't blogging (or writing or scrapbooking or taking pictures) about was causing me so much heartache. I realized that I had to put some things aside because other things simply took priority.

And that's okay.

For awhile I was really bitter and resentful about all I was not able to do because of other family and work obligations. But I've learned it's okay. Really. There is a season for everything under heaven, and my season for blogging had to be put on hold. And I'm learning what a privilege and honor it is to lay some things...some very personal and refreshing and good things...down.

God has shown me a lot over the last several months about what it truly means to serve my family, love my husband, and be humble in difficult circumstances. And I'm grateful that He kept this blog quiet as I wrestled through my emotions and heart issues so that this place did not become one of bitterness or anger.

And our God is one of hope and fresh starts and new mercies!

Can I get an Amen!

I'm hoping to spend just a few minutes each day in 2012 either writing or editing pictures or something having to do with this blog so that it can become a place of refreshment to me, an online family scrapbook for my children and hopefully an encouragement to others!

So, let's start!

I will have much more to write later about our Aust family Christmas 2011, but for now I'll start with a picture of all 15 of us and some highs and lows from our trip.

Highlight: Going sledding and bike riding in one week!

Lowlight: A disappointing and quite pathetic snow accumulation for our Floridian relatives.

Highlight: Driving away from River Falls, WI without any of the 5 of us getting the stomach bug!

Lowlight: Sammy throwing up in the van just minutes from home...and Caleb throwing up later that night.

Highlight: Having all 8 children (ages 16 months to 6) together in one house!

Lowlight: Having all 8 children (ages 16 months to 6) together in one house!

Highlight: Staying up late a few nights to play games and talk.

Lowlight: Remembering that we are all parents now and our children are up at the crack of dawn!

Brad and I had such a GREAT time with his family! I am so grateful for Brad's mom, his brothers, and my sister in laws and the week we got to spend together. I am truly blessed to have them as family!

Sammy's Summer Activities: Round 1

2011-09-25T22:49:00.007-05:00

Brad and I decided early in our "children and extra curricular activities" discussions that we would limit the number of activities our kids did each year and also limit it to one activity at a time. It is CRAZY the number of things you can register your child for! During the first week of school alone, Sammy had SIX handouts giving information about 3 different area dance studios, karate classes, private ice skating lessons and fall soccer teams!

HELLO! These children are only FIVE YEARS OLD!!!

Seriously! What are some parents thinking!!!

Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, for the last 2 summers, Sammy's been able to take a short summer gymnastics class put on by the Brainerd High School gymnastics coach and team.

I also decided that if I was the one running all of my children around town, that I should plan to do that activity with a friend. Last year Sammy did gymnastics with her friend, Izzy (and I got to hang out with Izzy's mom, Amy) and this year, my friend Nickie and I registered our girls for the same class.

Even though Nickie and I didn't get to chat as much as we would have liked during those six, 45 minute classes, our girls had a great time together and our boys played a lot of cars!

I like how they all struck a pose!

I can't remember what Sammy was doing in this picture, but she looks like she was having a lot of fun!

It still amazes me how many skills they learned in only six classes! Just look at that concentration!

Sammy and Lila's favorite thing to do was to jump into the "cheese."

(a.k.a. - large pieces of foam that look like cheese)

I love this one of Lila!

At first I was a bit embarrassed of my husband (imagine that) that he jumped right into the "cheese" so he could get better pictures of the girls.

But Jeremy (Lila's dad) also joined Brad and they both received permission from the coach to do so. The coach was actually thrilled that there were parents wanting to get so involved and take these kinds of pictures of their kids.

Oh, and what were Caleb and Hannah doing while Sammy was learning how to pull herself up on the uneven bars and do tumbling? He was racing several cars and trucks on the bleachers and...

...jumping off any and every mat along the edge of the practice room.

We totally need to sign this kid up for gymnastics class next summer!

Oh, and one of the reasons Nickie and I weren't able to sit down during each class was because I was chasing a darling 14 month old (and her purple bunny) around the gymnastics room.

All of us got our exercise!

I'm so proud of you Sammy! You did a great job and learned so much! Nice job sweetie!

Where to start?

2011-09-19T21:33:00.006-05:00

Have you ever stood before a task that was so daunting that you had no idea where to start?

And the longer you put off starting this task, the larger and more overwhelming it became?

Then, after spending days, weeks, or months pretending the task didn't even exist, you stand before it with all hope stripped away of even starting...let alone completing it?

Nope, I've never felt that way either!

Oh, where to start?

So many others around me are facing obstacles that I can't even imagine. They live daily with chronic pain...they care diligently for a handicapped child...they pray weekly for enough money to buy groceries for their family.

And I often feel like I'm complaining too much...that I should just put on a happy face since my present circumstances don't compare to what others are going through.

Yet, each of us are on a different journey. One that can't be compared to others. One that God has specifically set before each of His children.

And for our little family, it's been a difficult last year and a half.

And just when we seem to get our bearings, it seems our course is again altered and we are floundering around again trying to steady ourselves.

In the midst of these struggles, so much of myself has been put on hold so that the current "super high priority task" or event can be finished or completed.

Things like scrapbooking, running, blogging, organizing....things that rejuvenate me and motivate me have been placed to the side.

Like a neglected pet in a dark corner of the room....with sad, brown eyes and a soft whimper...and a cold, wet little nose that just aches to nestle with its owner....

Can you tell I used to be an English teacher?

And those favorite past-times and hobbies which have brought me so much joy, have now become daunting tasks. It seems every time I think about diving into one, I let defeat, exhaustion, and a list of other excuses break my spirit even before my feet take one step.

But tonight, as I was looking through some pictures from this year and day-dreaming about what it would be like to actually jot down some of my thoughts in an actual blog post....

I decided to do it. Even if it costs me some extra sleep tonight.

Despite the current circumstances of my life, my days are filled with incredible blessings from God. And these blessings mostly come in the form of my amazing husband and adorable children. I have never been more grateful for their loving and divine placement in my life as I am right now.

Like most mothers, I don't take nearly as many pictures as I should of me with each of my children. I have a ton of pictures of each of them, but few of them with me.

These first three pictures were taken Easter weekend. It's the last time I took a picture of me with each of my precious kiddos...but hopefully I will resolve that soon!

My sweet Sammy...

Caleb...my goofy son!

Hannah...who daily lives up to her middle name: Joy!

You would also think that I would have a plethora of pictures of Brad and me from the times we've been able to spend time together away from our kids.

You would think....

There are many, many, many much more beautiful pictures from the Canadian Rockies, but this is one of my favorites...despite the rain and the clouds that day.

I can't wait for our next adventure, hon!

And most recently....Sammy on her first day of school! She is going to be six next month, and I find myself trying desperately to hold onto this precious age.

Caleb...some days there just aren't any words for my silly, goofy, highly entertaining son!

Oh, and sweet, sweet Hannah! Like I said: Pure Joy!

Where do I start and where do I go from here?

I'm not sure, but I do know that I don't want to look back at this time and regret not focusing on the many blessings that God has given me. I don't want to have this entire chunk of my life empty...because I just didn't have the motivation or emotional energy to write about the very good things in my life...in the midst of the hard.

So, hold onto your boot straps! I've got some great stories and pictures to share!

There is a time for everything...

2011-08-10T12:45:00.005-05:00

Grief...

As I think about the last week or two...or the last few months for that matter...that word has continually been on my mind. It's one of the first things I think about in the morning, and it's been one of the last things I've thought about at night.

I've witnessed many people who have been grieving of late. I have walked closely alongside some who have grieved deeply over the last year. And I have continually confronted the new waves of grief in my own life.

And it's hard...the suffering that grief brings. The great distress that grief can cause is suffocating and much like a deep, dark hole.

But I've learned a few things lately that have drastically changed my thoughts about the "ugly" word: grief.

First, we are constantly in a state of grieving. Some trials make our grief more evident or pronounced and are laid out for the world to witness. But many are private and seemingly smaller in comparison. But, we are always grieving...

This last week, during Sabbath, I wrestled through my own feelings of grief and thought about what things or people I have been grieving about or over.

Grieving...

over a personal loss...like that of pictures of Caleb's 4th birthday party.

over the careless words I said to people in anger.

over an expectation that was unmet.

over something I want to be, but am not.

over a letter I wrote, too late.

over forgetting to contact new friend.

over a job change.

over the things that WILL be...no matter how hard I try to deny it.

I wonder if there is even a day that goes by that I do not grieve over something that has changed or been lost or been said in haste...

Our grieving will never end until we are done with our life on earth and stand in the presence of our Savior and God. We are constantly at differing levels of grieving. And just when we believe we have worked through one trial, another one is knocking on our door. We live in a fallen world, and just as the earth is "groaning" for everything to be made right again, we are also in that state of yearning.

Another thing I've learned is that it's okay to grieve. In Scripture, Hannah, who was deeply troubled over her barrenness, cried out to God in her "great anguish and grief." We cannot make light of the brokenness or hurt that we are going through. It's something that needs to be worked through so that grief does not overtake our hope.

It's okay to walk alongside others who are grieving and mourn with them. Jesus also, upon seeing Martha and Mary's grief, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." He wept and came alongside them because He loved these women and their brother. We also have a duty and responsibility to walk with those who are mourning. I always find it interesting that Jesus did not "fix the problem" by first raising Lazarus from the dead. He grieved and mourned and held those women. He didn't make light of their hurt.

To be perfectly honest, in the last 8 days, there have been 3 heavy times of grieving for me personally. On Saturday, I grieved the loss of a dear woman at our church...one who greatly influenced my marriage and other areas of my life. On Sunday, I was reminded of and journeyed back to about 9 months ago when I grieved with a dear friend over her son, who was severely brain damaged at birth. And since August 2, I have grieved the fact that Brad is no longer a youth director/pastor at Lakewood. For the past 12 years, youth ministry is all I've known and done. Yet God has decided that our time serving in that way is done. Even though we have grieved this for the last 11 months, a new wave has hit us as Brad has changed offices, changed his job title, and we have stepped out of LSM.

It's been hard, celebrating Rennette's life, yet knowing we won't see her again on this earth. And it's been painful, revisiting the agony of those first few weeks after Myles was born. And it is overwhelming thinking about not going to youth group this fall.

But in all of this grief and pain, God's mercy and grace and faithfulness shines even more brightly. Rennette left a deep and rich legacy of laughter, authenticity, and God's mercy on all those she met. The Hannan's have seen the goodness of God, despite Myles' condition, and many have been touched by his story. And God has been so kind to have shown us, little by little and piece by piece, of what He wants us to do as we seek to serve Him. He hasn't shown us the whole picture, but He has been faithful to show us small step at a time.

In the midst of grief, we CAN know and take God at His Word!

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." - Isaiah 12:2

Youth workers retreat 2011

2011-06-08T21:10:00.008-05:00

There are many events that are highly anticipated by our children.

Driving through the night to visit family.

Play dates with friends.

Having lunch at Taco Bell.

Going to Grandma and Papa's house.

Date nights with Daddy.

Seriously, I'm not kidding about the Taco Bell one...

But the one most anticipated each year is our church district youth workers retreat at Camp Shamineau in May.

Since the kids were old enough to remember, we've been going to camp and taking part in some of their favorite activities. (More about those in a minute.)

This weekend is a wonderful time to connect with other youth pastors and their wives as well as rest, share, encourage and uphold one another in prayer. For many of us, this is the only time we get to see each other face to face.

Our kids don't really know how soothing and refreshing this time is to our souls. We had many late night conversations with dear friends about their church experiences, seminary options, family hardships and others. Several of the wives stayed up very late the second evening to pray for our husbands and our marriages. It was a very, very sweet time.

But Sammy and Caleb still think going to camp is all about them...

Going to their special classes...playing on the tire swing...walking through the woods to get to the mess hall...

Little do they know that this weekend is really for us!

But we'll keep that secret to ourselves!

So, why do they love Camp Shamineau so much?

Maybe it's the pony rides on their favorite horse named Zach.

And yes, it was my children who would let every other horse go by and wait patiently for a turn on Zach.

It wasn't all about riding the horses, though. Caleb just loved hanging out at the horse barn...doing, you know...typical Caleb stuff.

While Sammy was waiting for her 9th or 10th or whatever number turn on Zach, Caleb also made several "roads" in the sand with his hands.

Just give this kid some dirt, and he will be entertained for hours!

Then it was off to make some "campfire donuts" and check out the nature center.

If you know my oldest, you are quite aware that she doesn't fear a whole lot. She sees every new situation as a challenge waiting to be tackled.

It was the same with this boa constrictor.

Well, that is until he started squirming into her coat pocket.

"Mommy, I did NOT like that ONE bit!"

At least, I think those were her exact words.

We decided to move onto other less squirmy animals.

Ahhhh! Much better!

I was surprised at how well Caleb did at holding the animals.

Even though he did a great job, I don't think he's ready for a pet any time soon.

Or maybe, I don't think any pet is ready for my Caleb.

Then it was off to play a little floor hockey with daddy.

Does Caleb not have the stance to be a real hockey player?

He was a natural.

But don't get any ideas, Caleb! Even though you were born in Minnesota, you cannot play the "never ending" and "money sucking" sport.

So sorry, Caleb!

Oh, and where was Hannah during all this fun? Most of the time she was in this position.

Just chilling and hanging out on my back. The rest of the time she was napping while we were galavanting around camp.

It's a bummer sometimes being the 3rd child!

Brad and I are so privileged to serve in a wonderful EFCA district. We have served along side some wonderful youth pastors and wives the last 7 years. Many have been serving longer than us. Some have moved on, but many have stayed. We realized this year that we are becoming some of the "veterans" of the group. There were many younger couples with smaller children who were fresh to ministry. Even though this year may have been our last time at the youth workers retreat, I know that God will continue to be glorified and these men and women will keep on being faithful to the teaching of His Word to a younger generation.

Dancing queen

2011-06-04T21:21:00.006-05:00

Last fall we began thinking about putting Sammy in an extra-curricular activity during the school year. We had heard from friends about a little dance studio called Heart and Sole which was run by a Christian woman who integrated Christian music as well as appropriate dance moves and costumes into her classes and recitals. Sammy also had a friend named Arnae who had taken dance lessons from there, and her mom, Christina and I signed the girls up for the same class so that the girls could dance together, our sons could play together, and we would be able to chat together each week.

It was a fabulous idea!

We signed Sammy up for the Tap and Tumbling class...mostly because that was the time slot that worked best for both our families.

Sammy loves her tap shoes...and the sounds they make!

She looked forward to dance every week. Her teacher, Cindy, did a great job teaching basic moves as well has having a lot of fun with the girls.

At Sammy's CHRISTmas recital, she was a little "Suzie Snowflake" (3rd from the left). She and I cut out all the tool for her skirts (that was one way of keeping the cost down for costumes...which I really appreciated) and she loved wearing the snowflake headband.

During the dress rehearsal in December, I vividly remember Sammy's face as the curtain opened. Her smile could not get any wider! After her class was done practicing, she told me...as her eyes moved across the parents and other dancers in the auditorium..."are all these people here to see me?"

Yes, Sammy was made for the stage!

Sammy's friend Arnae wasn't able to be at the spring recital, so we took some pictures of the girls in their costumes one evening.

Then we went outside and took some more of them.

Is this not the picture of childhood innocence?

Love her!

Posing...

Yup, not sure where this pose came from!

At the spring recital, Sammy danced to a song called, "God Takes Care of Me." I've had that song running over and over through my mind the last 5 months and it has been so appropriate for the season that I have been in. As she would practice the choreography each week at dance class, I would be reminded that God is going to take care of us today, tomorrow and in the future.

Sammy was so excited for her spring recital.

One of her moves included kicking her foot out, tapping, kicking her foot behind her and stomping. It was a pretty difficult move for these 5 year olds.

My dear Sammy... I love your spunk and sweet spirit! You are truly my dancing queen and a gift from God!

God's great plan...part 3.

2011-05-31T23:04:00.001-05:00

After our church's congregational meeting on January 24, Brad stepped up his search for a new position. We knew there was a strong possibility of a youth pastor being hired by the summer, so we felt the clock was ticking. Yet we both felt strongly that Brad should try to remain at Lakewood to help transition the new guy. We felt anxious and "in a hurry" yet also not rushed because we had no real end date for Brad's employment. Some days I was overwhelmed with all that needed to be done, and others I was at peace.

From my Sabbath journal, February 25, 2011:

"So many things need to be done! Stuff around the house...taxes...organizing...downsizing..."

"But, all will get done...You have given us all the time we need. Help me to be wise in my use of it. You are the Sovereign Ruler of the past, present, and future. Did Brad do ANYTHING to get his job at Lakewood? No!"

Later that same morning from Jesus Calling:

"I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy, even precarious. This is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine."

Isn't God amazing to give me exactly what I needed for each day! Even as I write this, I am amazed at His goodness!

By the end of March, our search committee had been led to a particular candidate, and it was becoming more certain of his calling to Lakewood. Brad also had been sending out several resumes to churches and was filling out a long questionnaire for one in particular. We both felt the need to find a job so we could transition out while a new youth pastor was transitioning in. I could tell that I was becoming weary from all of Brad's church responsibilities, his endless job searching, and my responsibilities in and outside our home.

Then, a month later, while we were quickly trying to de-clutter our home and finish up projects so that we could put it on the market, some of the churches that were either pursuing us (or we were pursuing) all led to dead ends. There were not a lot of leads for new ministry jobs. We became unsure about whether to put our house on the market since there were no job prospects. We were also going to vote on a new youth pastor on May 9, and we had no idea what lay ahead.

A few days before the congregational meeting and vote for the new youth pastor, Brad and I met with our senior pastor and a church elder. Over lunch we discussed a short-term job possibility for Brad at Lakewood. Ever since Brad began meeting weekly with our senior pastor last fall and also since filling out the EFCA's ministry match, we were beginning to discuss whether another type of position...such as associate pastor... may be a better fit for Brad. Since his main areas of strength were preaching, teaching, and discipling, maybe this was God's way of leading us to a completely different area of ministry. So our church's elders recommended that Brad be offered a full time (with same pay and benefits) adult ministries internship under our senior pastor from August 1 - December 31, 2011.

We were overwhelmed and very grateful for this possibility! Brad was very excited about working more closely with our senior pastor as well as preaching more, teaching our 222 leadership class, and getting his feet wet with other adult ministries responsibilities. We both believe this would be an excellent chance for Brad to see another area of ministry as well as give us a bit more time to either find another job or explore other avenues...like seminary.

And over the course of the last few months, Brad and our senior pastor also discussed the possibility of Brad and I traveling to a retreat center in Tennessee to process and debrief the last year with a counselor as well as rest, pray, and seek God's direction for our future. God's timing was perfect, yet again! Just last week we traveled to Fairhaven Ministries on Roan Mountain in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. We were able to spend 5 wonderful days there, and it was a huge blessing to us. We gained some perspective over the last 2 years, were able to discuss fears and feelings of rejection and doubt, as well as learn practical tools that we will need to rely on over the next 7 months as Brad's transitioning from one position to another at Lakewood as well as the next place of ministry God leads us.

And in that beautiful place, God was able to show me, very clearly, His hand in all of this.

We flew out just 5 days after our last youth group...our annual lip sync...where at intermission, Brad was honored and affirmed. Just a week before that, our senior pastor shared with our students about the new youth pastor as well as Brad's transition out of LSM later this summer. That same week was also Brad's last message to our students.

Those last two Wednesday nights were incredibly difficult for me. Even now, I'm not sure how to continue with this. We had been with these students for 7 years, and thinking about not being a part of their lives brings me to tears. Personally, all I've ever been is a youth pastor's wife, and it felt like I was losing a part of myself...like when I decided to leave teaching for a season to be at home with my children. It was an extremely difficult time.

But while I was up on that mountain...listening to the Roaring Creek outside our chalet window...God put it together for me. Just minutes before Brad shared for the final time with our students, he told me how he felt God had put him at Lakewood for this exact season. He was ordained by God with a specific purpose. His personality was very flexible...which enabled him to work with two very different youth pastors. He wasn't intimidated by being the #2 guy. He enjoyed working with another youth pastor, yet didn't desire to take over. He had provided stability and had served two interim positions.

He was placed at Lakewood for this specific purpose. And now it was time to let go.

No matter how hard I have fought this "letting go" over the past 9 months, God truly spoke through Brad and I was fully able to embrace it last week.

So, where does that leave us? Brad will continue to oversee LSM through July 31 and then pass the baton on to another youth pastor. August 1 he will slide over into a temporary adult ministries position until December 31. But all the while we will continue to pursue other ministry job possibilities as well as other avenues as the Lord directs.

If we truly say in our hearts (and I believe we do) that we want to serve the Lord wherever He calls us, then our feet have to match our hearts. So we will continue to take it one day at a time, enjoying every moment with our dear friends, going to play dates, de-cluttering our home and finishing small work projects, ministering to those around us, and anxiously awaiting our "marching orders."

My new theme is "Resting in the waiting room."

So, we wait, knowing that the longing we have to be settled in the next season of our life will not be fulfilled in this world...

but in the next.

And that's okay.

God's great plan...part 2.

2011-05-31T00:54:00.008-05:00

From my Sabbath journal, September 4, 2o1o...5 days after we learned Brad was not going to be considered further for the lead youth pastor position:

"Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will."

"Do not fear change..."

"I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone." - all from Jesus Calling

My personal thoughts from that same day:

"Even in the midst of my grief, I am grateful for this week...for even knowing so quickly...for processing and understanding why Brad will not be Lakewood's next youth pastor...."

From my Sabbath journal a week later, September 11, 2010:

"It's crazy, but in a week's time I have moved from grief to contentment...the worries that overwhelmed my spirit have been placed to the side and are in the loving arms of God. While I know hard decisions are ahead, those worries will be saved for another day. They will not overwhelm me today. I don't know what the next year holds, but I do know that God will be faithful..."

"God's Rule is Right and God has a Right to Rule." - from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study

I am grateful that I have record of these thoughts from that time. Much of my memory of those first couple of weeks in September were not as "faith-filled" as what I just shared. But even in the midst of our pain, I praise God for those precious hours during my weekly Sabbath that I was able to focus on Him and not on the changing circumstances around me.

As we processed our grief together as a couple, with close friends, and other pastors, I remember moving from shock to grief to contentment in a matter of a few days. But after that initial wave, our personal feelings and emotions led us to a place of anger, rejection and doubt. And I'm sad to say that we stayed in that place for much of the following months.

From my Sabbath journal, September 17, 2010:

"After talking with 3 key lifeguards this week, my head is spinning again! I was FINE...or at least more fine with everything before tonight. Now all those first feelings are swelling up in me again. Feelings of "unfairness"....being upset and angry...going through this grieving process once again."

A few paragraphs later...

"Protect us Lord from thoughts, hopes, dreams that we shouldn't have or think. Help us to take one day at a time and fully live in this time as interim youth pastor. Keep our feet firmly planted. And tear away any desires to be vindicated. We don't have to fight this. This is not our battle. We are only to be your clay."

October and November were especially difficult for us. We were grieving over the fact that our time at Lakewood would be ending. We were also trying to lead the youth ministry well in the midst of that grief. We were still figuring out how to be a family of 5. For me personally, I was just trying to keep up with laundry, diapers, housework, Bible studies, etc. Brad was gone several days both those months and in the midst of it all, Brad got injured at a youth retreat, my dad had a heart attack (while Sammy and Caleb were both visiting), and several dear friends experienced grief that still to this day cause my eyes to tear up.

Portions from my Sabbath journal from November 11 and December 3:

"A time to release...Where do I start?

1. The burden of LSM....and knowing we will be leaving soon.

2. Brad's injury

3. The heaviness of my job...parenting, disciplining, being a wife, housekeeper, etc.

4. Worry over my parents' health

5. The future...looking for a new job, home, change for the kids, loss of friends, leaving Brainerd and Lakewood

6. My dear friends' grief and trials that seems almost too big to bear

I feel like mourning today. Worry and anxiety overwhelm me this morning. I don't want to give up all that I have here...."

In the midst of this, God was showing me some areas of "idolatry" in my life. Lakewood, the Brainerd Lakes Area and all that I had here had become idols.

From my Sabbath journal, December 10, 2010:

"Father, I confess that I don't want to move! I feel like I'm digging my heels in. I am holding tightly to something that I feel is slipping away. I am being stripped of all (my church, my friends, my comfort, BSF, Tapestry, etc.) that I have depended on."

"I long to depend on You. I long to trust you fully. Please break the hold I have on these things, people, activities, places. They all have made such an impact in my life...but I KNOW that You have been the source of it all....the Giver of these good things."

"Break me from these things I have depended on. Tear down my idols in high places. Cause me to place my hope and future in Your loving hands."

It was no coincidence that I was studying the book of Isaiah in Bible Study Fellowship.

In December, Brad began tweaking his resume, filling out the EFCA's ministry match, and looking for potential ministry jobs. During that time, we received another blow.

Our elders were having to make some very difficult decisions concerning our church budget. We had not been meeting budget and they were proposing cutting two staff positions. One of which being the youth director position.

Please know that we had decided since September that Brad did not want to stay in the youth director position...that he felt he had outgrown it and didn't want to serve under another youth pastor. We felt very strongly that since he was not going to be the next lead youth pastor that our time at Lakewood would be ending.

But, we are human, and knowing that there wasn't even a chance for Brad to remain on staff was very difficult for us. Plus there were many people who didn't even know that Brad had applied and was not going to be considered further for the position OR that his previous job was going to be cut. And even though we had been processing it all along the way, as new people learned about these circumstances, we had to process and grieve with each of them...all the while trying not to fall back into a crazy cycle of anger, resentment or bitterness.

From my Sabbath journal, January 8, 2011:

Taken from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study:

"The key to peace is authority. When we allow the Prince of Peace to govern our lives peace either immediately or ultimately results. Peace always accompanies authority. Peace comes in situations completely surrendered to the sovereign authority of Christ. Sometimes when we finally give up trying to discover all the answers to the "why's" in our lives and decide to trust a Sovereign God, unexpected peace washes over us like summer rain."

In my weekly extended times with God, He kept pointing me back to Him and away from the crazy circumstances of my life.

From my Sabbath journal, January 21, 2011:

"It amazes me how personal You are God! You have planned for me to study what I have over the last 6-8 months in preparation for all this! I think of studying Job last summer....and then Isaiah this fall in BSF...and now Joseph and Hezekiah. What wonderful truth is found in the lives of these men! What a gift it is to learn from their lives!"

"What is truth? Truth is that Brad has great gifts. But the search committee doesn't believe they are the right fit for this position. And that's okay. They intended no harm...no malice...and did not sin against us. Could things have been handled better? Sure! But the outcome would have been the same. Lakewood has been a safe, comfortable and wonderful place to learn and grow. But it's time to move on. Brad has outgrown the director position and there is nothing else here for him. Plus it's time for me to let go of some idols and cling to God fully instead. There is not greater place to be than in the unknown...clinging to God's hand."

From that same day:

"I want you to be all Mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone-not in other people, not in circumstances." - taken from Jesus Calling

Oh, how good God was in the midst of this painful time!

One of the greatest gifts from God from this same day of quiet solitude with Him was Genesis 45. God had brought Brad just the week before to this text and he had shared it with me. It was NO accident that we both read this passage and felt complete peace over Brad's position being cut....just a few days before our church's congregational meeting...which Brad was going to be a focus.

Most people remember this verse concerning Joseph's life: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." - Genesis 50:20a. But what struck both of us were Joseph's words 5 chapters before, during his first meeting with his brothers.

"So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." - Genesis 45:8

It was at that moment...upon reading those words...that any bitterness or anger or frustration melted away for both of us. Whatever we were holding onto, we released because NO ONE...no search committee member, no elder, no pastor, NO ONE on this earth decided these things. God did. If we were going to hold onto those feelings, we needed to direct them towards our Sovereign God. And both of us realized we had to let go. Just days before a great number of people were going to learn about what had transpired...and just in time for us to honestly be able to answer them with:

"It's really okay."

And it really was.

to be continued...

God's great plan...part 1.

2011-05-30T21:31:00.006-05:00

I have been meaning to write this.

For several months, it has been rolling around in my mind. As the rest of my family sleeps, it seems to be the right time to put it all down on paper.

It's been a journey, a really hard one at times. I think back to about 8 years ago when a mom of one of my students said to me...after I poured out my heart to her about longing for a ministry job for my husband..."Jenny, it's all about the journey and NOT about arriving at the next season of your life."

That statement has stuck with me and has allowed me to let go of a lot of things I otherwise wouldn't have.

It was a "crossroads" time for Brad and I...then and now.

I wish I could write about what God did at this exact time 7 years ago as He lead and confirmed our calling to Lakewood. I hope to someday. Brad and I have always meant to write it all out....as a testimony of God's incredible faithfulness and love. Our counselor last week assigned it as summer "homework" for us. Like any good student, I feel compelled now to actually finish it! Maybe it will even make its way to this blog...

But this post is about what God has been doing these last 2 years. We have had many friends and family who have walked these last 9 difficult months or so with us, but the truth is that we have seen God's hand at work not just over the last year or so, but distinctly for about 2 years.

Again, much of this has been rolling around in my head, so please bear with me.

I remember many conversation during the summer of 2009 when Brad began feeling like he was wanting to have more ownership in our youth ministry....that he was feeling like he wanted to lead more....that he had outgrown his "director" position. We didn't know what to do about these feelings. Should he begin looking for another ministry position where he could be the lead youth pastor? What was Lakewood's plan for the director position? Should Brad move on to provide an opportunity for another youth pastor to learn and grow as he had? What was this bit of restlessness? At that time, we didn't know, but we now look back and see it as God's grace as He began to prepare us for these last 2 years.

The fall of 2009 came and went and we didn't feel any direction from God to change anything about Brad's job. Then in December, Brad met with some of our pastors and church elders and was offered a "promotion" to associate junior high pastor. We spent a week or two praying and talking about this change in position and eagerly accepted it. Junior high students have always been my "natural bent." I taught 7-9th graders for 6 years, and I have always loved that age. This seemed like a very natural progression for Brad, and it seemed to answer those feelings of restlessness we had felt months before.

Then, this "promotion" was put on hold. Brad's change in position needed to go through the proper channels and there were some potential staff changes that needed to be resolved first. In February of 2010 we learned that Brad wasn't going to be taking over the junior high position, but instead was going to be the interim youth pastor...for the second time.

FYI: Brad had originally been hired under one youth pastor in 2004...worked with him for 2 years...was the interim youth pastor for about a year until a second youth pastor was hired in 2007...worked with him for 3 years and was now the interim for a second time.

Everyone with me so far?

Good!

*deep breath*

So, almost exactly a year ago Brad took over as the interim youth pastor. He spent last summer recruiting new volunteers, preparing for fall programming, processing potential changes to our Wednesday night youth group, doing some "damage control", and leading mission trips.

Oh, and we had just had our 3rd child.

It was quite a summer.

We knew that as the youth pastor search committee was being formed, that they were going to ask Brad if he was going to apply for the lead position. Brad had been asked 4 years earlier after the first youth pastor left the same question. He felt very strongly then that he shouldn't apply.

This time was different.

Because the summer was so busy for Brad...both with his new duties as lead youth pastor AND as a father of 3, we really didn't spend much time thinking about whether he was going to turn in his resume. It wasn't until he was given a deadline of August 31 that we began thinking and praying during our weekly Sabbaths about whether this was what God was leading us to do.

As I look back on my Sabbath journal from that time, I'm reminded that neither one of us had a clear calling from God that this was Brad's next job. We did not feel it was right NOT to apply, but we did NOT feel that it was the next job for Brad. Here's some of what I wrote from my August 20, 2010 Sabbath journal:

"Brad is capable and fully qualified to do this job. I feel like God has us here for this very reason. He will lead us...even though we don't fully hear Him right now specifically, He will not hide His Will from us. God has been preparing BOTH of us for such a transition. This seems to be a natural progression for Brad. But it's odd. I know for sure that Brad should apply, but I'm not sure this job or another one is right for him. I pray that the search committee with walk through this process with us so that God's Will will be done."

Also from that same day, some reading from Jesus Calling: "Do not give in to fear or worry, those ROBBERS of abundant life. Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them... Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfector of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them..."

Little did we know that the next few weeks would be some of the hardest of our married life...but also that God had been preparing us for it as well.

From my Sabbath journal on August 27, 2010:

"I don't know what you have for us...but I am excited for it. We desire to go where you lead, despite my desire to stay here (Lakewood) because of what you have given us in this place. Continue to soften our hearts towards Your leading."

from later on that same day:

"I need protection...protection over my heart concerning what may happen with Brad's job...protection over hurts or fears or anxieties..."

and from a few paragraphs later that same day:

"Either I believe YOU are Sovereign or I don't! Today I choose to believe that You are! I will choose to live one day at a time. To enjoy this Sabbath...to rest in You...to not get ahead of myself..."

Brad did officially apply on August 28, 2010. He was told the following Monday that the search committee had decided not to pursue him further for the position.

to be continued...

Happy birthday Hannah!

2011-05-06T22:19:00.007-05:00

Almost a month ago, my baby girl turned one.

I tried hard to pretend it was going to happen.

It must have worked...

About a week before her birthday, we realized we should probably plan a little party for her.

It's called "the third child syndrome" people...and even though I don't have a medical degree, I have a year's worth of evidence for its existence.

So even though some of our friends weren't able to join us...sickness kept most of them away...we did have a couple little friends who were able to celebrate this special day with us. They brought one of Hannah's favorite gifts: a baby doll with eyes that open and close. She has been fascinated with it and calls it "baby" all the time!

Just in case you can't read this adorable onsie, it says, "Pretty like Mommy." Melanie, who sent this in the mail, won major brownie points from Hannah's mommy with this gift!

I decided a few years ago, after become quite ~~jealous~~ impressed with some other friend's amazing and creative ideas for their children's birthday parties, that I wanted to do something special for my children's birthday celebrations. So, after being taught how to decorate a cake during one of my MOPS classes (by one of our 14 year old students...who put us ALL to shame with her incredible skills), I decided making fun cakes was going to be one birthday tradition I wanted to repeat every year.

Hannah seemed to enjoy it!

Happy ~~late~~ birthday Baby Cakes! You are such a joy to us! You light up the room with your smile and laughter! You make my heart melt every time you say "mama"! You are truly a blessing, and I'm so grateful God brought you into our lives!

Time away

2011-04-26T15:11:00.001-05:00

Last month, Brad and I were able to sneak away for about a day and a half.

We've made it a priority to try to have some time away, just the two of us, at least once a year since Sammy's been a baby. As I look back and remember our times in Duluth or the Twin Cities or in Colorado or beyond, I am reminded of the sweet, sweet moments we shared together.

We knew our time would be short, so we tried to plan a lot of things into our weekend...rest and naps included! Every part of our trip was also filled with many blessings along the way!

We dropped our kiddos off at my dear friend Megan's house around 9:30...who, by the way, is pretty amazing! She watched 7 children (ages 10 months, 11 months, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6) all day Friday until her husband got home from work.

Yes, she is a rock star!

And no, I am not giving out her name or number because I don't want to share her with anyone!

Anyway, we headed straight to Grand View Lodge, checked in, hung out in the lobby (with a friendly moose) and spent a couple of hours having our personal Sabbath time.

Usually we take turns having our weekly Sabbath so that one of us can stay with the kids. It has been very rare that we are able to spend this time together, chatting about what we're reading or what God is teaching us. It was a wonderful way to start our time away!

Around noon, we headed to Giovanni's Pizza in Pequot Lakes. I was determined to keep our cost down to a minimal, so we tried to only eat at restaurants where I had a buy one get one free coupon. So Giovanni's it was! (And it was quite yummy too!)

After lunch we took a walk around downtown Pequot and then received a phone call that our room was ready. We weren't sure where at the resort we were going to be, since our friend who works there (who gave us a GREAT deal) didn't give us those details ahead of time.

We ended up being in a cabin near Gull Lake. Even though it was still kinda cold and the lake was covered in snow, it was wonderful and had a great view! (We were just grateful for a room without children!)

After seeing our extremely cozy room, we immediately took a nap.

It. was. heavenly!

I know, for me personally, even if I get a nap when Brad's at home, I can never really turn off my "mommy" ears. It's hard to fall into a deep sleep because my radar always seems to be listening for a child in need.

We both slept GREAT and woke up refreshed!

We took another long walk when we woke up and then headed to a restaurant on Gull Lake named Jake's. We didn't have a coupon for Jake's so we decided to share a meal. As we were deciding what to get, a couple from our church walked over and gave us a "Groupon" coupon for Jake's that they weren't going to be able to use. It was such a wonderful unexpected blessing! (And Brad got to get his fish tacos after all!)

After supper, we headed back to our room and decided to go swimming. It has been AGES since we went swimming without kids! I think we went down the water slide 20 or more times! (Their water slide was AMAZING!) It was so much fun playing together, without having to juggle 3 kids in the water and being concerned that Caleb was going to kill himself!

We decided to end the night with one of our current favorite board games, Pandemic. It was an incredibly relaxing evening. I did have a bit of excitement right before bed concerning the jacuzzi. Apparently you should NOT add any extra bubble bath to the water AND then turn the jets on...or else you will get lots and lots and lots and lots of bubbles ALL over the bathroom.

Really, those things should have directions for people like me!

The next morning, we slept in as long as we could. We decided to have a late breakfast so we would only have to eat out once on Saturday.

Breakfast did NOT disappoint! It was a huge buffet with anything we would have wanted. Even the bacon was extra crispy!

After checking out, we headed to Stonehouse Coffee in Nisswa.

Along with resting, playing, and walking, we also wanted to spend some time evaluating our marriage and parenting, planning, and dreaming about what God has for us next.

We spent a couple of hours there (drinking our B1G1 free coffees!) and then headed back into Brainerd. We did a little shopping and took another long walk before heading to our favorite restaurant, El Tequila. We had a B1G1 free coupon as well as a gift certificate there! (Yes, I get very excited about cheap dates!)

After filling ourselves silly, we headed back to Megan's to pick up our kids.

Now, almost 6 weeks later, I am so grateful for the time we had together. Our future is unsure, and we don't know what the next 6 months to a year have in store for us. But we do know that God will provide all we need and that He has used these precious weekends away to strengthen our marriage and to bind us together. We know that we can put our full weight on God and His perfect plan and that He will continue to lead us through unchartered territories.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name: you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:1a-3a

Date nights with the kiddos

2011-04-02T22:15:00.008-05:00

One of the perks of waiting a bit longer to have children has been the great wealth of knowledge we seen lived out in the lives of some very insightful and proactive parents.

Even as I write this, I can't quite remember which couple we learned this from, but I know that shortly after Sammy turned 3, we began implementing parent and child date nights.

We try to do a date with each child once a month. So one time, I'll do something with Sammy while Brad takes Caleb on an adventure. Then a few weeks later, I'll go out with Caleb while Sammy and Brad spend a couple hours together.

We have seen some great benefits from doing this and it's been so much fun seeing each of their personalities shine when the other one is not around.

About a month ago, our church hosted a Father/Daughter Extravaganza. Sammy talked about it for weeks. She had a countdown on her calendar. She dragged Brad to the Father/Daughter Extravaganza booth the first Sunday they were selling tickets.

She was just a wee bit excited.

Brad and Sammy had an amazing time!

They did sled racing.

Which, by the way, Brad and Sammy are going to enter in the next winter Olympics. Brad said Sammy was leaning into each turn...and held on no matter what.

That's my girl!

They also did some minnow racing.

And, how does one race minnows, you may be asking?

Well, you grab a scared and exhausted little minnow (via your plastic cup) from a bucket and pour him into a rain gutter. Then you use your plastic cup to "encourage" the little guy to swim down to the end.

Ummmm.....

Yup, that's exactly what I thought!

Then they made pizzas.

Notice that Sammy brought her apron and hat. This child packed her "cooking attire" 3 days before the extravaganza since she knew they were going to be making homemade pizzas.

Again, just a wee bit excited.

One of the final games was "chubby bunnies." If you've never played this game....don't!

I think it should be illegal in most states.

Pretty sure Sammy thought Brad was the coolest for shoving that many marshmallows in his mouth!

So Caleb, hearing nothing for weeks from his sister except how wonderful her date was going to be with daddy, began to ask me what we were going to do on our date.

They learn fast, don't they!

Not wanting to be outdone, our date included pizza. But it was the pick-up kind, so that I could still feed Hannah at home.

After our yummy pizza, we played play-do...for like an hour. I don't know why I didn't take any pictures of that. But I specifically remember making lots and lots and lots of little balls.

Then Caleb requested that we make cookies. The kind that you "cut out."

Of all my cut-outs, Caleb decided to make Christmas trees....in March?

Okay...

We mixed up some yummy dough.

He rolled it out.

Not too shabby for a 3 1/2 year old!

And between the batches, he would make a huge ball and form it into crazy shapes.

I wish I knew what was going on in that little mind of his!

We all had a great evening!

Even Hannah...who, as the 3rd child, spent most of the evening playing on the floor with cookie cut-outs.

Don't worry Hannah, some day you'll get to go "minnow racing" with daddy too!

Sweet memories from last fall

2011-03-16T15:56:00.006-05:00

Brad got a new picture editing program called Aperture and has slowly been working his way through some of last year's pictures. He's just been tinkering around with it, since he's discovered he can do only do serious editing when he shoots in RAW form instead of JPEG...

whatever that means.

Anyway, he was showing me a few of his changes and we came across these pictures from last October.

Look at how plump my baby girl was!

Okay, for those of you who see her every day, she still is plump...but not quite as much!

And she still is the happiest baby ever!

I LOVE this one of my sweet older daughter.

She is becoming more beautiful with each passing day!

My little man. His energy takes a toll on me, but I wouldn't want it any other way!

He has changed so much over the last year. I can't wait to see what the future holds for him!

Need a little pick-me-up?

2011-03-10T15:13:00.004-06:00

Some days, to quote a good friend, are "2 coffee pot" days.

Some days, a big bowl of ice cream (or 3 large sugar cookies) before bedtime, puts the world back into order.

Other days, a good dose of this 3 year old boy does the trick!

Little Miss Eleven Month Old

2011-03-07T21:20:00.000-06:00

Poor Hannah.

She gets forgotten in the church nursery...

(only once or twice or six times).

Weeks can go by before I take any pictures of her.

It's got to be the "3rd child syndrome."

At least that's what I'm claiming!

She gets placed in a laundry basket daily...

(it's way easier than putting up the pack-n-play)

to protect Caleb's train track from her...

and to protect her from Caleb when she destroys his train track!

She is crawling EVERYWHERE!

Daddy's been working with her on standing...no matter how many times I tell him to stop helping her grow up!

Doesn't he know that these moments are fleeting? Soon she'll have 3 teeth, will be running all over the house, learning to tie her shoes, going to sleepovers, learning how to drive and GOING TO COLLEGE!

My sweet baby girl is growing up...

And even though I'm NOT happy about it, I am grateful that I get a front row seat to watch it all happen.

My passion for date nights

2011-03-06T21:03:00.008-06:00

Tonight, I watched 7 children for 3 1/2 hours.

By myself.

And...

I managed to make supper (from scratch), wash all the dishes, play with the children at various times, nurse a baby once, carry said baby around on my hip most of the night due to fussiness from teething...and complete almost 3 loads of laundry.

I'm terrible at math, but somehow: 1 mommy with 3 children + 4 extra children = more work accomplished around the house!

Maybe I just need to keep having children!

As we sat around the table, I realized there was an (almost) 1 year old...and a 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 year old eating dinner together.

Next time I need to invite a 7 year old as well!

It really was a blast. All the kids played really well together, and I was able to still get a bunch of my housework done. Brad was gone all evening, so it was a nice way to break up what would have been a long day.

I posted this..."just got done watching 7 children for 3 1/2 hours"...on Facebook tonight, and one of my friends called me "Super Mom."

I really, really am not...

trust me...

but...

I really, really, really am passionate about date nights.

There are many things that I have given up or lived without over the course of the last few years.

Favorite television shows, new clothes (since I seem to have many in a variety of sizes due to 3 pregnancies), privacy in the bathroom (Caleb, just WAIT til Mommy is done...please!), carpet with no spit-up stains, sleep....

But there are two things that I will not give up...two things that I are non-negotioables in my life. Two things I can't live without.

Weekly Sabbath and Date Nights.

Not only are these passions in my life, but I will do almost anything to help a friend or couple have these things as well.

Even watch 7 children for an evening.

Next to weekly Sabbath, there is nothing else I look forward to than my weekly date night with Brad.

I'm not quite sure exactly how our weekly date nights came to be or even how long we've been doing it. I think we began to realize the necessity of it during one of the marriage retreats we participated through our church. We also knew people who made it a priority every week and spent time talking with them about how they made it happen realistically. I also began to feel its need due to the weight of Brad being in full time ministry AND the responsibility I had of raising 3 small children AND the need to put our marriage first.

No matter how it came to be, we recognized the need for it. Once we recognized it, we began to plan. We added a category to our budget called "Marriage Enrichment." (That was Brad's idea!) We began to set aside money each month for date nights...like eating out, babysitting expenses, books on marriage, nights away from the kids, and even ballroom dancing lessons! We looked at our schedules and found a night (currently it's Tuesday night) that was open most weeks and put it as a re-occuring event on our calendar. We also tried to think of creative ways to make our budget go further...like babysitting swaps with friends or buy 1 get 1 free coupons for restaurants.

Even though we haven't always been great at this, we try to be wise about how we use those precious 2 - 3 hours each week. Sometimes we discuss what God has been teaching us during Sabbath or in our quiet time or in BSF or through a book we've been reading. We have also reviewed some of the material from past marriage retreats. At times we have spent time dreaming about our future or remembering the blessings from God.

A few weeks ago, while sipping (B1G1 free) coffee at a coffee shop just north of Baxter, we made a variety of lists. (Yes, Brad and I are that kind of people.) List of things that need to be done around the house...list of things to be done concerning Brad's job search...list of things that needed to be done within the next month...etc. Many times during the week we don't even have 10 minutes to do this! Talking about those tasks, prioritizing them, crossing some off, and making a plan to complete them is so freeing and actually makes us come together even more as a team.

During the last 2 weeks, we've been focusing on being more proactive with our parenting and have spent time talking about Sammy's weekly allowance and both Sammy's and Caleb's continued spiritual training (verse memorization, Bible reading and hymn singing). Yes, even last Tuesday you could have found us at Culvers eating (B1G1 free) ice cream while highlighting certain titles in our hymn book that we wanted to begin teaching them.

And because we have seen the benefits in our own lives, we try to encourage our friends to make it a priority as well. They don't have to do it just like us, but making time...even just once a month...to be together as a couple is so very important.

Important to nurture our love...important for our children to see us prioritizing our relationship with each other...important to keep common interests and sparks of love alive and growing...

So, I hope that the next time you see my status update..."DATE NIGHT!" on Facebook, you'll turn to your spouse and talk about when you can go on your next date.

And if you need a sitter, just let me know!

...I've been needing to catch up on laundry!

A Grateful Heart

2011-02-16T10:53:00.020-06:00

I have been complaining a lot. Sometimes to my husband. Sometimes to my closest friends.

Mostly to myself.

2011 looms ahead of me. It is going to be filled with change...more than any of the previous 7 years, and I don't want it to begin.

Most of my life, I really haven't fought the inner battle with fear and worry and anxiety that other women I know have.

Until the last several months.

It is powerful...these 5 little letters...

WORRY

Some days I feel like it has the ability to lock me in a small cage.

Sometimes, a good night sleep can send worry to the dog house. Other times, a long talk with Brad or my dearest friends can pry off its grip. Mostly, it's the Word of God that frees me from it.

And...

focusing on the goodness of God and His past blessings and faithfulness towards me and my family.

For years now...literally...I have desired to make a "stone altar" in our home. I've even started acquiring a small collection of stones and have made a short list of words or phrases I would put on those stones. Brad and I have talked about it often, but have never sat down and done it.

The idea and practice of stone altars can be found all over Scripture. Joshua 4 is my favorite example. The entire nation of Israel has just crossed the Jordan River into the Promised Land, and Joshua tells each of the 12 tribes of Israel to select 1 man to take up a stone from the middle of the Jordan and carry it over with them. In verses 6-7, Joshua explains that they are to do this to...

"serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

Why did they need to do this? I'm sure there are many, many reasons. These are the ones that have most impacted me:

1. Their God was amazing and had done great and wonderful things in their sight. He deserved to be honored and given the glory by doing this small act.

2. They were human and humans are forgetful. We easily forget what we had for breakfast or what time our doctor's appointment is or how God has brought us faithfully through previous hard times.

3. Their children needed to know what God had done....and their parents had a responsibility to tell them of God's great deeds.

I think all of this starts with being grateful and thankful for all God has done...and to copy it down...write it out on our door frames...place them on post-it notes around our houses.

I have felt challenged by Lindsay at Passionate Homemaking to begin writing down things that I am thankful for. Having a grateful heart can help destroy a grumbling and complaining spirit.

I would love to send my worry and grumbling spirit to the curb.

Here is a taste of what I've written down so far this year.

I am grateful for...

#3 - strategy gaming buddies.

#7 - God's revelations of His truth during Sabbath Rest (Gen. 45:8).

#12 - a healthy and growing 10 month old baby girl.

#14 - safety while driving on wintery roads.

#18 - babysitting swaps with friends.

# 32 - making "parade signs" with Sammy to welcome Baby Myles home.

#35 - an amazing husband who gave me a "personal retreat day".

These are just a handful from my growing list. But even remembering all of God's blessings and benefits from the last 7 weeks of this new year fuel my faith...and center my eyes back on God.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good..."

Joy overflowing

2011-02-03T20:40:00.005-06:00

I am humbled tonight. Humbled that God is so good and so gracious that He has allowed me, over the last few months, to see miracles unfold before my very eyes...

True miracles.

By the very hand of God.

"For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for JOY at what your hands have done." - Psalm 92:4

Last summer, I watched a dear friend open her heart and her home to another person's child. She and her husband, who were in the midst of the foster-to-adopt program, took a beautiful 6 day old baby boy into their care. A baby with a long list of concerns and issues. I watched her struggle, I listened to her fears, and I saw her great determination and love for him grow with every passing day. I had a front row seat...watching God refine her as she tackled enormous hurdles and fought on his behalf for the best possible care for him.

And, on December 29, he officially became theirs...

I have never been to an adoption proceeding.

It was one of the most amazing things.

I have had many friends adopt, but to actually walk alongside someone who has gone through the process...seeing their hard work, tears, struggles...and then watching their joy become complete when the judge declares that he is theirs...is truly something.

And as I was processing with with Sammy and Caleb on the way home, I couldn't help but think of these verses:

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for ADOPTION to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves." - Ephesians 1:4-6

What an amazing God we serve!

Two days ago, my family joined many, many other friends and loved ones in another great celebration.

After 2 1/2 months, Baby Myles was at last coming home. Even as I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I am so honored to have been a part of my dear friend's journey. There are no words to express how I felt that early Sunday morning, standing beside her hospital bed listening to her explain that her son was airlifted to Children's Hospital.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me JOY."

- Psalm 94:19

And on Tuesday morning, there were again no words that could express my joy as Myles was brought home.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY,"

- Psalm 30:11

My heart overflows tonight.

"The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with JOY." - Psalm 126:3

Joy

2010-12-28T23:49:00.007-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about joy lately.

Or maybe about my lack of it.

I feel like I am spending a great deal of time (hours upon hours throughout my day) trying to align my emotions with the truth of God.

Sadly, most days of late, my emotions come out on top.

I'm learning that knowing the Word of God and the character of God...

and actually living by it, moment by moment and day by day...

are sometimes two totally different things.

It is a battle. A battle of my mind. A battle over my emotions and the worries of this very finite world.

And every day it changes. One day, I am at peace and have my eyes focused on Christ. I only think of the necessities and work of that day. I only think in my mind "what is" statements and not "what if's."

Then, there are days like today. A complete roller coaster from start to finish.

I woke up feeling crummy. I hadn't slept well, and Brad told me I actually screamed out while I was sleeping (which was a first for me). I don't remember why I screamed...but I remember having terrible, fitful dreams. After trying to rub those thoughts out of my eyes, I spent the morning playing with the kids (we made tents and tunnels with sheets in my bedroom) and making some homemade granola and oatmeal pancakes. I was feeling pretty good about myself and the day. I was being a great mom and a pretty good "Betty Crocker."

But then, you know what I'm talking about, the kids start hitting or hurting one another...this was just after I put Hannah down for her morning nap and I had jumped into the shower.

Figures.

And I got frustrated and yelled at Caleb...which brought on a shower of tears. I tried to get control and calm him down...just as I heard Hannah wake up from all the commotion.

Why was I surprised?

I again try to calm everyone down (including myself) and get lunch made. I then sent Sammy and Caleb outside to play...score one more for being a good mommy...and finished feeding Hannah. Everything was back on track and going well...

until a phone call...

and another hard and frustrating situation came my way.

And I am back to "feeling" heavy laden with burdens and cares of this world.

I've been trying all evening to wrap my mind around why I am feeling this way, yet again.

I think I figured it out.

Um...let me explain...

This is my daughter, Hannah.

Yes, she is the cutest 8 month old around.

Hands down.

Do you want to know what her middle name is?

Joy.

And it perfectly suits her.

She is the happiest, most content baby EVER!

She is a joy, and she radiates joy to everyone around her.

And as Brad and I were trying to sort through 3 months (and hundreds of pictures) tonight, I couldn't get over these pictures of her.

Joy...she is such a joy...

and that is exactly what I've been missing.

My BSF teaching leader said just a couple of weeks ago, "where your eyes are fixed, will affect your joy."

Bingo.

When I have had my eyes on the circumstances of friends and family and on Brad and me and our family, I have been without hope, depressed, overwhelmed, filled with fear...

When I have had my eyes on Christ, I can handle the stresses of each day and live joyfully in the midst of them.

I dug through some more BSF notes and found this jewel:

"Begin with God and you will have the right view of people and circumstances."

"Begin with people and circumstances, and you will have the wrong view of God."

I know, I know, it seems so simple, so easy to me now.

But in the midst of a hard conversation and the lack of energy to do much of anything and the tears that just keep coming...

it's hard to remember those truths and these truths...

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." - Psalm 94:19

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Praise God that at this hour I may have joy! That despite what sleep brings tonight, I can wake up with the joy of knowing God and that He has provided all I need for each day. This joy and peace is something the world cannot offer.

And praise God that He has given me a very small sliver of the joy that is mine through this little child.

And I'm so glad He did!

A time to release

2010-12-15T22:04:00.004-06:00

A friend said to me yesterday, "I haven't really seen you smile since like October."

She meant no disrespect...she was truly telling me how she saw it, and I appreciate her honesty.

And, yes, I think that does about sum it up.

It's been a long last couple of months.

I breathe a heavy sigh as I type that.

I remember journaling in my Sabbath notebook about a year ago that I felt so completely blessed and fulfilled. That all was "right in the world" concerning my home, children, husband, friends, and church.

Then I wrote..."but I feel something is coming...and I pray that this mountain-top time will prepare me for what's ahead."

I feel like I am now in the midst of that "time" right now.

I haven't posted anything on my blog for almost a month. I've written partial and entire posts, but eventually decided to disregard them or delete them all together. It's been hard for me to separate my emotions and what they are saying about my current life and what God's Word says about it.

Much of what I have written and not published were really "self-pity" posts. One night about 2 weeks ago, I read through a post I was just about to publish and realized how incredibly self-absorbed, whiny, and ungrateful it sounded.

It really disgusted me.

At that moment, I felt as if God was saying to stop using my blog to release my burdens...but to instead release them to Him.

So, my blog has cease to exist until I felt I was able to take all the burdens I have (and am continuing to carry around) to Him first.

I'm still working...daily...at laying my burdens at His feet. It's been a grueling road, especially these last 6 weeks, but I'm praying that as I travel through these trials, God continues to refine me, placing me in conditions where all the muck can be sifted off the top to reveal a more beautiful and clearer reflection of Himself.

Nothing else matters...

2010-11-19T14:47:00.002-06:00

My heart is aching today.

The last three weeks have been some of the very hardest of my entire life.

So much has fallen to the way-side due to the incredible emotional roller coaster of the last 21 days.

Every day I've fought the temptation to complain and grumble about the whirlwind, fear, anxiety, and pain around me.

But it's not about me.

Especially today.

And it's not about Brad's recent injury...though that has been hard to live with.

And it's not about my dad's recent heart attack...though the fear and anxiety surrounding that was almost too much for me to bear.

Today it's about Baby Myles...and his incredible family...and my dear friend, Christina, my sister in Christ.

What she and her husband have been through in the last 6 days...and what they will be going through in the upcoming days...

is almost too painful for me to write about.

But I am taking comfort that even though I can no longer form words to express what I feel and what I desire for this family to my Heavenly Father, I know the Spirit is speaking and groaning on my behalf.

So I will continue to pray...and cry out to the Great Physician to heal Myles' body and bring peace and comfort to his family.

For today...nothing else matters.

Like father, like son

2010-10-11T23:48:00.002-05:00

My husband loves trains.

He really, really does.

He has this uncanny ability to know where all the train tracks (both the main lines and abandoned ones) are at all times on every, and I mean every, road trip we've ever taken.

And just in case you don't believe me or need further proof...

Have you ever been taken on a date to explore trains...you know, places that post signs that say, "No trespassing or violators will be prosecuted"?

I have.

Or has your husband driven out of your way on a road trip to explore train yards in other (4 that I can remember off hand) states?

Mine has.

Does your husband spend some of his free time taking pictures of train tracks?

Mine does.

Now that you've learned a bit about my wonderful, train obsessed husband...

meet Caleb:

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Caleb loves to go chasing after and exploring trains.

So on some Fridays...or any other time Brad hears a train whistle...the boys jump into our car and seek after adventure.

This place is somewhere Brad bikes to near our house. He often goes there during his Sabbath time. He's taken Caleb there once or twice.

And me...on one of our last date nights.

Surprised?

You really shouldn't be by now.

What can I say?

Some things are just genetic.

My act of worship

2010-10-10T20:48:00.008-05:00

I was browsing through this new blog I found called Passionate Homemaking the other day, and I felt such a kinship with Lindsay.

I have been overwhelmed by my "job" these last few weeks. It seems like it's harder and harder to keep up with my daily chores and weekly schedule. Most days I fall into bed exhausted either with feelings of regret over things I didn't get done or with feelings of anxiety thinking about all that needed to be done the next day or in the days to come.

This, my friends, is no way to live.

And while I do need to rethink my days, plan better, and get up earlier, what I need most is an overhaul in my heart.

I know we moms need to have a break. I know that we need help around the house or with the kids sometimes. We all need time to relax and get refreshed.

But motherhood is our job. A 24 hour job. A job we will (literally) have for the rest of our lives.

And it's a joy. A privilege. A blessing.

And one I often take for granted.

God has been moving quite a bit in my life lately...and merging all sorts of things together.

He's really cool that way.

I've been convicted over my sin of pride and my desire for comfort as I've been studying Isaiah at Bible Study Fellowship.

God has brought to mind some habitual sins that needed to be dealt with in Beth Moore's Breaking Free study.

And in One with a Shepherd, a book I'm reading with the other pastor's wives, I'm convicted by Mary Moffat, a pioneer missionary to South Africa, who, after wrestling with all she had given up at home to live halfway around the world serving in a mission station, said, "If I may be a hewer of wood and a drawer of water in the temple of my God, am I not still blessed and privileged?"

My daily work is hard. Actually, never ending.

But I should not be spending my days complaining about it. I should not be demanding some time away from my husband and children. I should not be throwing pity parties for myself in the company of other moms.

Everything I do is an act of worship to my King.

Every dish I wash...

shirt I fold...

cloth diaper I scrub...

poopy bottom I wipe...

time out or spanking I give...

spit up spot I clean...

song I sing...

kiss I give...

Memory game I play...

story I tell...

meal I cook...

tickle I give...

floor I sweep...

errand I run...

shoe I tie...

train track I build...

toy I put away...

child I tuck in at night...

Everything I do is an act of worship.

I know that what I do is not meaningless...well, except for alphabetizing my spice cabinet...which is certainly not important to some people but quite efficient nonetheless...

ahem...

God sees everything, and my work on behalf of my husband, family and home do not go unnoticed.

And, in light of all He has done for me...

I think it's quite reasonable.

Embracing today

2010-09-28T23:12:00.006-05:00

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34

I've been thinking a lot about these verses lately.

I love these verses. I think they are so important that I've committed them to memory. I believe they are so fundamental to a person's life that I sign almost every students' graduation cards with their reference.

But, in the last month or so, I've had to make a choice.

Do I believe, really believe these words? Do I live like these are words of life...words of truth? Does how I live tell those around me that I have applied these verses to my daily life?

Each morning, as of late, I've had to decide whether I was going to live my life holding tightly to these words or....not.

Brad and I had to let go of something that was more important to us than we thought. And, we had to align our emotions with God's truth. We've been doing some grieving and dealing with some disappointment and frustration.

We've had to rely fully on...put our entire weight upon...the Lord.

Fear, worry, and anxiety are crippling. They are nasty and destructive. They cloud judgement. They make things appear not as they truly are.

Bottom line: They are liars.

They lie about Who is in control. They lie about God's character. They lie about God's love and care for me.

And, at times in the last month, I've wondered about God's love and care for me.

I can honestly say...today and at this late hour...that I am confident that God is sovereign, and that He has something else wonderful planned.

But I'm learning that even though I fully BELIEVE in God's sovereignty, I'm still living parts of my days as if I don't. My mind drifts back to the hurt and disappointment I felt...and worries about what the future holds.

But God is so good. He's so good that He gave me these words in the midst of this struggle.

"Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will..."

"I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone."

-- both quotes are taken from Jesus Calling

So, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm giving up control...and any dreams or plans I may have had. And I'm embracing what God has for me THIS day.

No more being swallowed by hurt or frustration. No more thinking about the days or uncertainty ahead.

Simply living and embracing today.

So, I will enjoy every conversation with our students. I will be thankful for the opportunity to sit under great Biblical teaching at BSF. I will praise God for my play dates and Thursday nights at Starbucks. I will be grateful for all the little messes my wonderful children make.

None of us know what tomorrow holds. And none of us know how God will use our past hurts for our good and His glory.

But He knows. And that's all I need to know.

You're welcome!

2010-09-14T14:46:00.006-05:00

Just in case any of you were needing a cute, baby-girl Hannah fix...

"Have hair brush and know how to use it!"

This face is a better pick-me-up than any Caribou coffee.

Do anyone else's children sleep like this or is this just an Aust child thing?

Chilling with me while I cook. Don't worry, she won't tip over!

And, just in case you were still wondering who is the cutest 5 month old around...

Yup, that's what I thought!

No need to thank me. You are most certainly welcome!

Just a typical summer day with dad

2010-09-12T23:26:00.002-05:00

This is what happens...

when I tell Brad...

to go outside and play with the kids.

Pretty sure this is why Sammy and Caleb think daddy is way cooler than mommy.

Truths from my pal, Job

2010-09-08T22:30:00.002-05:00

I have Job on the brain.

For about the last two months, I've been reading and studying the book of Job on Fridays during my Sabbath Rest.

I have NO IDEA why I started to read Job on July 16...but God did. And I am so thankful! (More on that near the end of my ramblings...)

Even though I've read Job a couple of times in my life, this was the first time I was reading it, really reading it, word for word.

And I've been captivated.

I've been caught up in Job's life. I feel like I was there with him...like a fly on the wall...watching the events unfold...crying alongside him...rolling my eyes at the ridiculous advice of his so-called friends...and being reminded, yet again, of some absolute truths...

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." (Job 1:21)

"The name of the Lord will be praised." (Job 1:21)

"Resentment kills a fool." (Job 5:2a)

"Our days on earth are but a shadow." (Job 8:9b)

The thing I love most about the book of Job is that it teaches a proper theology of who God is and who man is.

God is God.

I am not God.

God's rule is right.

God has a right to rule.

Nothing in God's economy is wasted.

Job understood who God was...and that he was but a mortal man. He did not cling to the things his friends said, but he held tightly to the character of God...to God's never-ending love...and to the fact that some day he would be found innocent of any sin that could have caused his trials.

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him." (Job 13:15)

As I've read further, he also spent a great deal of time "fixing" his friends' improper views of God. He told them that God doesn't promise happiness (Job 11:13-20)...that God can't be manipulated and that He knows our motives (Job 13:1-12)...that (not all) bad things that happen are a direct result of sin. He even prayed for his friends near the end of the book...

...even after all the grief and pain they have caused him.

Wow...

And, somehow, in my first readings of this book, I missed one of the most beautiful verses...one that is so telling of the character of Job.

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth." (Job 19:25)

Amazing!

I am so thankful for what I've learned from Job, but I am even more grateful of its timing.

The last week or so has been a rough one for me and Brad. There was something we had placed "our hope" in that was "taken away." We questioned God's plan. We brought our frustrations, hurts, and broken dreams to Him. We cried out about how "unfair" things were. We wondered how this would work for our good.

Ummm....sound familiar?

God was so faithful to begin to soften my heart towards His ways through my study of Job. So many of Job's words filled my mind over the last week. And I can go on and on about all that He has taught me during my Thursday night Bible studies that have also prepared me for this very time.

And again, my breath is taken away, and all I can say is...

Wow...

Amazing!

I CAN confidently say...

Everything is for God's glory and my good.

Praise God!

I miss me.

2010-08-30T15:12:00.005-05:00

As I write, there is a sweet baby girl jabbering beside me.

A cute 1 year old boy sleeping in a pack-n-play in my bedroom.

Another handsome 3 year old boy is out cold in his bunk bed...dreaming about trucks, dirt, and trains...

An imaginative 4 year old girl is currently having a tea party with her 8 year old friend...and they are asking so very politely for 2 more cookies.

The house? A disaster.

This is my life at this very moment in time.

And I've been fighting it...not enjoying it...wishing it away.

Even now, feeling like I have 5 children under control for the moment, I am struggling with truly living in this craziness...abundantly living and enjoying the sweetness of this brief time in my life.

Maybe I'm just tired.

I'm tired of Hannah waking up at 4:00 a.m for yet another feeding. Really? Apparently she forgot she could sleep through the night. Might be time for a bit more rice cereal...

I'm tired of putting Brad, his job, and some extra stuff he's working on ahead of my needs...

I'm tired of trying harder to parent...reading books and being intentional more...

I'm tired of what lack of sleep and busyness does to me...

I'm tired of seeing the extra weight on my body due to 3 pregnancies...

At a ladies function last week, a friend at my table shared with us a conversation she had with a young mom. She asked her what she missed most about her life since becoming a mother. She said...

"me."

Yes! That's it! I miss ME!

I miss scrapbooking with friends. I miss having time to blog regularly. I miss going for runs. I miss getting a full night's sleep. I miss being spontaneous with Brad. I miss what life was like 1 year ago before Brad shifted into a new role at work.

And I'm just sad about it.

But, a sweet baby girl calls my attention. She is longing to be held and talked to. So I will whisk her away, read her Goodnight Moon, sing her "Jesus Loves Me" and place her in her crib. Then I will tackle the dishes, help the girls clean up their tea party, and maybe even think about supper.

Because, while I want to be real with how I feel, I know that my feelings DO NOT dictate reality.

I do know that I will have some time (some day) to scrapbook, and that playing trains with Caleb is more important than blogging, and that my messy house is proof of children's play.

And as I hear Sammy erupt into giggles and see Hannah's quite chubby smiling face...

I know it's all worth it...

Catching up...round 1 (with the Wiese cousins)

2010-08-11T18:24:00.014-05:00

Some time ago...well, like almost 2 months ago, Brad and I drove to Fargo to hang out with my parents and see my brother and his kids. It was a long day, but was well worth the 5 hour round trip to see everyone and hang out together.

Nikki, my sister-in-law, heard about this thing going on at one of the area parks. When we got there, several huge inflatables were scattered throughout the park....all FREE! This was my kind of park! There were also a bunch of other games and craft tables set up at various spots. Sammy had an absolute BLAST playing with her cousins, especially 10 year old Beth. Those two were pretty inseparable.

They climbed up and down for quite awhile.

Caleb was not interested in the big blow-ups...he had a one track mind.

Literally...

Even if something isn't technically a train, but looks and sounds sorta like one, my son is sold!

Sammy wasn't too far behind.

Even though they were pulled by a garden tractor, it was pretty creative! The kiddos didn't seem to mind!

Despite being much older (7,10, and 13), the Wiese cousins really love my kids. They are willing to play with them and help them when they need it.

My nephew and nieces are such a blessing!

Just for kicks and giggles...

2010-08-11T07:59:00.001-05:00

It really doesn't get any funnier than this!

A future Olympian?

2010-08-10T14:01:00.018-05:00

Brad and I have been doing youth ministry for awhile now. One thing we talked about early in our marriage was how we were not going to get over committed and get our kids in every activity. We saw the effect that too many activities had on families and in the lives of our students.

Once we started having children, we talked again about extracurricular activities and decided our children were not going to be in something every night of the week.

It's been pretty easy, up to now, to keep that commitment. But the older our kids get, the more pressure we I feel to get them into swimming lessons, dance, gymnastics, t-ball, etc...

I mean, all my friends have their kids in activities...

Even though I know the age old saying...

"if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

...it's still hard to listen (and see pictures on facebook and blogs) and not let it sway me.

Then add the fact that I know Sammy would absolutely LOVE doing these things, and I'm all mixed up inside.

So after reading the Brainerd Lakes Summer Community Education booklet this past spring, Brad and I again revisited this discussion.

As a side note, Brad and I take FOREVER to make a decision. We think about EVERY possible angle of the situation...from how much time, money, and energy it will take to how it will ultimately shape our children.

Yes people, we're a little strange that way...

But it's a big deal. Our ministry schedules are busy enough...is it really wise to add something else?

Anyway, we've decided that swimming lessons are non-negotiable. We are living in the land of 10,000 lakes for heaven's sakes, and swimming is a survival skill. The rest...well, not so much.

So after much debate...and I mean much debate, I signed Sammy up for a 3 week (6 class) gymnastics class.

And I really am so glad I did!

She LOVED it, and really learned quite a bit in a short time.

She's adventurous and a bit of a dare devil, so doing some of the stunts and techniques were right up her alley. She soon was doing a lot of moves on the apparatuses by herself.

I'm pretty sure she was obsessed with the chalk. Who wouldn't be?

I couldn't believe what they were teaching the 3-6 year olds...especially on the uneven bars. Sammy now loves doing pull-ups.

The teachers were students and coaches from Brainerd High. They did a really great job with the kids.

The one bummer was that class was at 2:30. I mean, really? That's nap time people! What was I going to do with Caleb?

He was actually a gem! Give that kid a couple of CARS cars...thanks to Grandma Aust...and he's a really good kid!

Another thing that I will continue to do...if/when Sammy is in another activity, is to do with with a friend. Not only did Sammy have a little friend to do all the cool stuff with, but I also was able to hang out with a girlfriend during their 45 minute class. So Amy and I were able to chat...and keep our eyes on our other 4 children...and Izzy and Sammy got to "play" together.

Aren't they cute!

So whatcha think? Does she have a future as an Olympian?

Probably not, but I am glad we made the decision to let her do this. Watching your children take such delight in something so simple is really a joy. And while we're not signing her up for fall...and winter...and spring gymnastics, it was a great experience that I hope we will do again in the future.

Self-control

2010-08-09T23:29:00.006-05:00

I spent a great deal of time last Friday during my Sabbath thinking and meditating on self-control.

Or, perhaps, better put...my lack of self-control.

It's been one of my biggest struggles lately. And it appears in almost every area of my life.

I have very little self-control...

in regards to my eating habits.

in getting to bed on time.

in getting out of bed in the morning.

in checking facebook.

in doing my work in my home before relaxing.

in not procrastinating.

in the disciplining of my children...especially doing it in anger.

in keeping my tongue in check.

As I read my Sabbath journal from the past several weeks (and months), I've realized I have spent many hours confessing sins that were related to my lack of self-control...and many hours putting together lists and plans for how I was going to structure my day so that I wouldn't need so much self-control...and many hours writing out Scripture passages having to do with self-control.

But, there's been something missing.

Something really big missing.

I haven't really asked for help from God to help overcome this area.

In my Titus 2 ministry this past year, we read an excellent book by Carolyn Mahaney called Feminine Appeal. In her book, she discusses in detail seven virtues of a Godly wife and mother. It is a great book...a must read for women of all ages. As I was re-reading her chapter on self-control, several things struck me.

First of all, I am human and I'm going to fail. But I don't have to remain in that defeated position. God requires that we exercise self-control...so therefore it is attainable. We can conquer this area in our lives. It does require much effort, but we must rely on the Holy Spirit to lead and convict us.

Bottom line...this cannot be done in our own strength.

Yup, pretty sure I've been trying to overcome this thing in my own power.

Charles Bridges said, "Have not repeated defeats taught us the need of calling in better strength than our own?"

It apparently takes some of us a bit longer than others to grasp this concept.

I have been caught in a crazy cycle. I try to muster and create self-control on my own. I take a deep breath, make a plan, try harder in my own power...only to find that I have failed again.

Why don't I believe the words of Christ in John 15:5? "Apart from me you can do nothing."

It's not about trying harder. It's about letting go of my sin and realizing I can't do it apart from Christ.

Self-control is HUGE in my life right now. It is my wall of defense against the enemy of my soul.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

Self-control protects me and my heart from all sorts of attacks on my heart.

When I overeat, overreact to my children, put off work in my home, or any other area, I hear words of failure from the author of lies. And once those feelings of despair hit, it's even harder to muster up self-control on my own to change my ways. One caramel bar leads to 2 or 3. A few minutes on facebook leads to 15 or 30 minutes. Laundry remains in baskets throughout my house. I yell at my kids, then quickly apologize...but find myself getting frustrated even faster the next time.

I haven't had much protection in my life and my soul has not been well guarded.

So while the changes and plans I've written out will be a great help to me in organizing my day's work and prioritizing my daily activities, my plan will eventually fail unless I have God's strength in overcoming this great obstacle.

Tonight, I am heading to bed early so that I can get up early and spend some time with my God. And before I get out of bed, I will be praying for self-control and calling on His limitless power to help me in this area.

Because even though I like sin and I like sleep and I like eating and I like wasting time on facebook...

I love my God and His truth even more...

New tricks for summer boredom

2010-07-29T20:17:00.002-05:00

I love the summer. Especially in Minnesota...where right now it is 73 degrees with low humidity and a slight breeze...ahhhhh!

I love having a break from all the activities...youth group, BSF, Tapestry, etc...that fill our days during the school year. Summer days bring a pleasant change and are relaxing, warm, and laid back.

But even with all the company we've recently had, play dates with friends, and weekly errands, the days sometimes get long and the kiddos (especially Sammy during Hannah and Caleb's afternoon naps) get bored.

So I decided to organize all of Sammy's "school" activities and other crafts/activities and write them on some popsicle sticks and arrange them in this cute mug. If she can't think of anything to do or is bored while the younger kiddos nap, she chooses 1 stick with a blue dot and 3 sticks with a purple dot. The ones with blue dots are activities she does with me and the purple ones are activities she can do by herself. I have gradually added ideas/activities, and now she has about 25-30 to choose from.

Her whining and boredom have greatly decreased, and the amount of work I get done during naps has increased! Plus she is so eager to try something new or something she hasn't done in awhile. Her favorite activities have been writing cards/letters to friends and neighbors and doing some different manipulatives.

I also found that some days when I've been stressed out because of my insanely long to-do list, I've let the kids watch way too much PBS Kids. I've also noticed that I am spending a lot of time cleaning up after them. So I stole this idea from a friend and then tweeked it a bit for our home. This is Sammy and Caleb's "chore charts."

The kids both have chores every morning, lunchtime and in the evening. They are responsible for making their beds, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, getting their bowls/cups/plates for each meal, picking up their toys, etc. If/when they complete their morning chores, then...and only then...can they watch 1/2 hour of PBS Kids. Some days I'm not as good at reminding them, but they do seem eager to move their little magnet pictures to the right spots.

They are beginning to realize that they have responsibilities around the home as a member of our family. Plus, I have lightened my load a bit as well. And I'm teaching them that work comes first, then fun. It's a win-win for them and me!

Our crazy Twin Cities adventure

2010-07-27T21:15:00.024-05:00

My good friend, Gianna and I have been pregnant at the same time for all three of my pregnancies and 3 out of her 4. For Sammy and Caleb, we only overlapped about 2 months. But our last pregnancy, our due dates were just 2 weeks apart. We complained, whined, and cried together over the past year. We called one another countless times to complain or share the latest news about the little lives growing inside of us. We've been trying to figure out a time to get together, but even though we only live 2 hours from one another, it's been hard to find the time to meet up this summer.

But my husband recently provided us with a great excuse to head down to the Cities. You can read all about it (and the other crazy happenings) in Gianna's blog post entitled, "Series of Unfortunate Events."

Usually when we all get together, some sort of catastrophe always seems to happen. There have been trips to the ER, food poisoning, and kids getting sick. This trip lived up to all the others. Now, while no one has reported getting sick, we did have several things that will make it a night to remember. There were three bee stings, people were stuck in some serious traffic AND a horrible storm, and 16 people...including 10 children 6 and under...were confined in a hot and sticky basement when the power went out.

See, I told you this trip would live up to the rest!

The purpose of this little trip was not to give us another great story...even though I'm glad to add another crazy adventure to the memory book...but it was to introduce my sweet baby girl to her ~~future mate~~ friend. Gianna's little guy was born 2 weeks before Hannah, and is a good looking boy...even if this picture does NOT show the extent of his cuteness.

Brad and I were planning on swinging by a few friends' houses throughout the day, but Gianna had the great idea of throwing a little party so all of us, and our beautiful children, could spend the night eating, playing, and hanging out together.

And between being stuck in traffic and stung by bees and stuck in the basement with no power, we did a lot of eating, playing, and hanging out.

Even though the kids weren't able to play in the tree house or the pool...due to the "friendly" bees, they still had a ton of fun!

The swing was a popular attraction!

I LOVE this picture of Gianna's oldest daughter!

I also love that Sammy thought the trip to the Cities was all about her seeing her friends.

I just didn't have the heart to break it to her!

The boys, who were greatly outnumbered, spent the evening ~~fighting over~~ playing with the cars and bikes.

Megan's son, Noah, really melts my heart, and this picture can tell you a lot about him. He is adorable, fun, and quite dangerous at times...which has, from time to time, resulted in a trip to the ER.

And, of course, our husbands were simply being themselves. They were making silly faces and yelling at the Yankees game that was on in the TV in the garage.

Oh, and they were eating as well and watching the "wee ones" play.

And while these lovely girls were playing so sweetly and quietly in Gianna's basement, my son was doing this...

Yup, that little guy belongs to me. I'm so blessed! Again, this is why God gave me two daughters and only ONE Caleb...He knew I couldn't handle another boy!

I am so blessed to call these women my dear friends. My friendships with them really blossomed about 8 years ago, but for several of us, we go as far back as the fall of 1995 when Gianna and I were freshman at Northwestern.

15 years! I still can't believe I'm that old!

Lord, your gift of these dear friends sometimes takes my breath away. You have been so good to continue to grow our friendships. You have done AMAZING work in all of our lives. Thank you!

And I can't wait for the next crazy adventure with these wonderful friends!

Stuck

2010-07-26T22:47:00.000-05:00

I am stuck.

Really stuck.

And in the midst of my rut, I am miserable.

Miserable, unproductive, apathetic, frustrated...

But do you want to know what the worst part is?

I am having feelings of deja vu.

Ugg.

I've been here before. I've felt this uneasiness. This unhappiness. This unsettlingness.

The crazy cycle has begun.

I promised myself I wouldn't return to this place.

But I have.

Unmet expectations and sinful habits have a way of coming back to haunt me.

I had a plan...an expectation about what the next 10 days were going to look like. I had lists, goals, dreams of what I was going to accomplish.

All gone...

And now, I'm having my very own pity party...

What does my pity party look like?

Well, I've let my children watch 2 hours of PBS Kids this morning and have not interacted with them a whole lot while they've been playing. I've been emotionally eating. I had chocolate for breakfast and have consumed WAY more calories today than I should. And I've been pretty bitter...and resentful that things haven't gone my way. I've been thinking all morning about how other people's poor decisions have affected me and my family...and been dwelling on how they will continue to affect us in the future.

Hmmm, sounds like I've invited a temper tantrum to my pity party.

And I'm thinking to myself...really? I mean, REALLY, this is who I am, when things don't go my way? Really, when plans get changed I become like this? I allow circumstances to define what I feel? How I act? How I think? How I treat others?

Really?

Unfortunately...yes.

And I hate it. I hate that I can't seem to break this. I hate that I continue to eat emotionally or tell my kids, "mommy will be with you in just a little bit," and again brush them aside. I hate that my thoughts are ruling my actions.

What I hate most is how this morning's thoughts and actions are directly tied to what is in my heart.

I want to hold onto bitterness and resentment. I want to be apathetic. I want to complain about how other people are "ruining" my plans. I don't want to get out of my rut. I feel just fine being the victim.

Man, sin is ugly. It is nasty and smelly and ugly. But this sin is not someone else's...is my nasty and smelly and ugly sin.

I have a choice. A choice to forgive, let go, and move on or a choice to cling to my "rights."

Even as the Holy Spirit has gently been whispering into my mind, I have pushed Him aside. I don't want to let go of my anger.

But, I'm stopping right now. I'm laying down whatever rights I have. I'm confessing my pride, anger, frustration, and other unpleasant things in my heart. I'm letting go. I'm asking God to fill me supernaturally to live life abundantly the next 2 weeks.

I'm putting down the chocolate and am listening to what He has to say.

Faces

2010-07-21T17:21:00.002-05:00

The many...

many...

many...

silly...

faces...

of Sammy...

and Caleb.

Where did the time go?

2010-07-16T14:30:00.001-05:00

I'm struggling...

Seriously struggling here, people.

You see, my baby girl is 3 months old, and I'm having a bit of a problem with that.

She's NOT suppose to be growing this fast.

And, I've been told, I can't even call her a newborn anymore.

What's a mother supposed to do?

I'm NOT ready for her to grow out of her 0-3 month clothes!

Last night, Brad said something to Hannah about her wedding day.

Her wedding day!

So sweet Hannah, I will cherish each moment, each smile, each coo, each laugh. I will not wish any of these days away. I've grown a bit wiser because of your older sister and brother. I know these precious moments with you are brief. Before I know it, you will be out on your own.

And I will long again to hold you in my arms.

Thursday nights at Starbucks

2010-07-08T23:55:00.008-05:00

I love Thursday nights.

I love that I have one night each week to sit in the company of two wonderful women and...

be vulnerable.

be transparent.

share my sins.

pray for our marriages.

give each other godly council.

love one another.

It is something I do not take for granted.

And God is always so good to be present at our meetings. Even if we have been unfaithful in our lesson, He still shows up in huge ways.

Like tonight.

After spending the day "listening" to the voices in my head, He again destroyed the lies I was listening to and replaced them with His truth.

Not my truth, but His absolute truth.

A few months ago, I read that we as women far too often "listen to ourselves" instead of "talk to ourselves." We listen to the voices that say...

we aren't good enough wives.

we aren't good enough mothers.

we are overweight.

we are unloveable.

we aren't good at anything.

we are overlooked.

we are unappreciated.

we deserve better.

...instead of talking to ourselves and filling our minds with God's truth...

we are made in God's image.

we are beautiful in His eyes.

we are His beloved.

we don't have to earn His love.

when He sees us He sees Christ's righteousness.

we don't have to be perfect, just faithful.

Christina shared tonight that someone told her that we would NEVER allow someone to talk to us the way we sometimes talk to ourselves.

Are you with me?

I would NEVER allow anyone to come into my home and tell me...

"you are fat."

"you don't do enough school with Sammy."

"you serve your kids too many processed meals."

"your house isn't clean enough."

Yet I hear these things every day...but the person who is speaking is me.

But tonight, I faced myself. I openly shared about the battle that was being waged in my head. I shared my pain, and I replaced my shame and guilt with God's love and grace.

Do I fully see myself as Christ sees me? No.

But tonight I know that He is completely taken by me. I am His beloved. I am pure and radiant. I am a love offering to Him from His Father.

And I pray that when I look in the mirror tomorrow morning, I see a little more of what He sees.

ummm...can I get a little help over here?

2010-06-24T00:18:00.008-05:00

I am terrible at asking people for help.

Simply TERRIBLE!

I don't know where I got the notion that asking someone for help equalled...

...looking like I am weak.

...looking like I don't have my life together.

...looking like a charity case.

...looking unwise or incompetent.

Maybe it's because of the example I had growing up.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism to protect my pride.

Maybe it's because I'm German.

Regardless of why, I am realizing that asking for help has NOTHING to do with the things listed above.

I LOVE helping people. I love making meals for new moms. I love watching my friends' kids so they can go on a date with their hubby. I love having students over and hanging out with them while playing on the Wii and eating cookie dough.

Yummy....Cookie dough....

Anyway, it's not hard for me to help someone else out. I actually offer to help my friends (and complete strangers) quite a bit.

I just don't like to ask for help for myself.

I've justified my actions and attitude my entire life.

"I really don't want to be a bother."

"I really don't want to make more work for someone."

"They are just saying they want to help, but really they are just being nice and just saying it."

"They have 4 kids, and I know that would cut in on their family time."

I could go on, but I won't.

But God has really been doing some remodeling in my heart concerning this.

Perhaps due to the fact that my children now outnumber me.

The last few weeks have been perfect examples of the change taking place inside me.

A mother of one of our students texted me about three weeks ago and asked what my plans were for supper. I think it was like 4:30 and I had not gotten around to thinking about supper yet. I could have told her I would be fine, but instead I asked her what she had in mind. She was making a double batch of her homemade burritos and wondered if she could have her son bring some over. I, again, almost said, "oh, don't bother, we'll be fine" but I found myself saying, "that would be GREAT!"

Her burritos, seriously, were amazing.

Brad was gone for an overnighter with our seniors almost 2 weeks ago, and it was my first night on my own since Hannah was born. It also fell on a Friday...which meant that I wouldn't get an opportunity to do Sabbath. I didn't know what to do. I thought I would just skip it for a week, but I knew it would be a hard week (and my kids and husband would suffer) if I didn't have a couple hours away with God.

So, I did it. I called a family in our church...a family that had told us if we needed anything, to not hesitate to call...and asked them to watch Sammy and Caleb so Hannah and I could spend 2 hours at Caribou.

I felt so bad leaving my kids so I could "go to Caribou", but I kept repeating to myself that I was honoring God in what I was doing.

Two days ago, I took a friend up on her offer to watch my two older kids so I could have a couple of hours at home by myself to spend time with Hannah and relax. By the way, she's only been reminding me to do this...like every week since Hannah was born almost 12 weeks ago! I had put her off for too long, and she finally forced me to pick a day. I dropped them off, and had a glorious 3 hours at home with Hannah...relaxing, and cleaning, and organizing. And she actually got more done with 5 kids than just with her 3!

And just tonight, we dropped off Sammy and Caleb at their "adopted grandparents" house for 3 hours so Brad and I could go on a date. Beth had kept asking to let her (and her hubby Larry) watch the kids more often. It wasn't until the last few months that I really let go and asked them to watch the kiddos once a month.

And you know what, it is a win-win-win situation for everyone. The Lindman's simply LOVE our children, and Sammy and Caleb LOVE going to their house, and Brad and I LOVE having free babysitting! It has been such a precious gift to our marriage.

Tonight, as I'm blogging into the wee hours of the morning, I am struck at my sin. Yes, it may not be overt or blatant, but it is there. My pride is causing a rift between me and my friends (because I keep turning down their offers) and me and my Lord. My lack of asking for help is nothing but...

...me thinking that I can do everything myself.

...me taking charge of my life and not allowing God to be in control.

...me not allowing others to live out their giftedness and spiritual gifts.

My pride is quenching God's amazing plan for us as a body of believers.

It is inhibiting people from the the joy that one feels when they help another.

It is robbing them of an opportunity to be God's hands and feet.

And, ultimately, I am stealing precious times that God's glory...His deserved glory...would be shown.

I pray that I would, and you would as well, start relying on one another the way that God intends us to do.

My husband...

2010-06-21T13:22:00.000-05:00

I take a lot of things for granted.

I'm not as grateful as I should be.

I have a God who loves me and gave His best...His son to redeem me and reconcile myself to Him. I don't think I will ever fully comprehend what He did this side of eternity.

I have wonderful children that are a joy to me. Many days are filled with constant training, re-directing, and disciplining. But at the end of the day, I wouldn't want it any other way.

And, in light of Father's Day, I am reminded how blessed I am to have the husband I do.

I met Brad when I was 18...almost 15 years ago. It's hard to believe that he has been a part of my life for so long.

He is a wonderful husband. He has learned to lead me (and my stubbornness and strong will nature and aggressive personality) well as he's sought God for our lives and family decisions. He is incredibly hard working. He has always provided well for our family, and has made very wise financial decisions that have saved us from potential grief.

He loves our children and desires to be involved with every aspect of their lives. He plays with them, disciplines them, loves them, changes their poopy cloth diapers (not many men would do that!) and seeks to raise them in the knowledge of God. He takes such joy in their personalities and crazy little tendencies.

He also is a man of many talents. He takes amazing nature photos.

And he has taken me on countless adventures to beautiful state and national parks around the country.

He just took this one of our azaleas this spring.

He has done a lot of home improvement to our 1953 home.

He designed and picked out all the trees and shrubs for our landscaping 5 years ago.

And he spent a crazy amount of hours building our deck 2 years ago.

He's also has a love for soccer. He played both indoor and outdoor soccer in college and when we lived in the Twin Cities, but there seemed to be no options to play here in Brainerd when we first moved here.

But a couple of years ago, he learned of a group of guys (and 1 wife) that play pick up soccer once a week. He has so enjoyed playing again and has met some really neat people.

Even though it's hard to give up time for him to do this, I know it is a worthwhile sacrifice for me and the kids.

I am truly blessed to be his wife! Happy Father's Day hon!

A typical day...

2010-06-15T23:27:00.011-05:00

Sometimes, as I drag my exhausted body into bed...

after I've gone past the dirty dishes on my kitchen counter...

and walked through the swamp of toys in the living room...

and throw the clean laundry off my bed and back into the laundry basket on the floor...

I wonder...

"just what did I do today?"

well, besides keep all of my children alive, which is my top priority.

Today I decided to keep track of the insanity which is my daily life.

Enjoy!

WARNING! LONG post ahead!

7:00 - Hubby's alarm goes off, but I stay nestled in bed for a few more minutes before...

7:25 - Hannah wakes up (after sleeping since 11:00 p.m. YAHOO!) and I nurse while sitting next to my honey on the couch as he reads from his Bible, then...

7:30 - two other adorable children...still rubbing their eyes...cuddle with us on the couch.

8:00 - I finish nursing and Brad makes oatmeal for breakfast.

8:30 - I put load #1 into the washer and join my family at the kitchen table and...

8:45 - say good-bye to Brad and wave with the children out the dining room windows...

9:00 - then continue to design an crazy train layout for the kiddos...

9:10 - and get them dressed for the day while Hannah takes her morning nap.

9:30 - I put load #2 into the washer and spend a few minutes "facebooking" a friend and making two phone calls...

9:45 - while the children continue to play nicely together.

10:00 - I start washing dishes from last night and talk to a friend who has called to ask what time gymnastics starts that afternoon...

10:10 - and I watch the children put their pajamas back on since they are playing "going to camp" and need to get ready for bed.

10:13 - I spend approximately 22 seconds laughing at my son trying to pull his 2 pillows and blankets into my room ("since that's where camp is mommy...it's not yours and daddy's room anymore") and end up carrying 1 pillow that he dropped along the way.

10:25 - I wake up Hannah, change her diaper, and nurse her...

10:30 - and cave and let my children watch 30 minutes of PBS television since their wonderful playing quickly changed to long episodes of yelling, pushing, pulling, and crying.

11:05 - The kids load up into the van to get groceries...which was not the best idea given it was pouring rain outside and was way too close to lunch time to be going to the grocery store in the first place.

11:10 - I realize ALL the kid's carts are wet, and I ~~threaten~~ explain in detail my expectations of Sammy and Caleb as we get groceries.

11:21 - All four of us wait for a couple of minutes in the produce section for the "thunder" and "rain."

11:22 - Produce worker smiles at the silliness of my children.

11:23 - I remind Caleb that he can only touch things with his pointer finger.

11:27 - I almost run over my two older children because I'm not used to them walking alongside me.

11:59 - Grocery shopping is a SUCCESS and I let both kids get a free cookie from the Cub Foods bakery.

12:10 - I get lunch for the kiddos and unload all the groceries.

12:24 - I put the second load of laundry into the dryer.

12:27 - I notice a disturbing odor and realize Caleb has diarrhea...

12:28 - and I try not to freak out as I carry him to the bathtub to undress him and wash him down.

12:39 - Caleb is finally cleaned up and his clothes are scrubbed out...YUCK!

12:45 - I spend 15 minutes trying to find Sammy's leotard for her gymnastics class at 2:30.

1:00 - I finally sit down and have lunch.

1:30 - I wake Hannah up to feed her.

1:55 - I pack clothes for Sammy, toys for Caleb, and a diaper bag for Hannah.

2:05 - I load everyone into the van and head to the high school.

2:20 - We play "Dora and Boots" and explore Brainerd High School a bit before class.

2:30 - Sammy begins her gymnastics class and I chat with my friend Amy as our 4 other children play.

3:20 - I load all the kiddos back into the van and head home.

3:38 - I give the kids a snack, check the mail, and jump on facebook for a few minutes.

4:00 - I start to think about making dinner...

4:01 - but get sidetracked with folding two loads of laundry.

4:22 - I let Caleb and Sammy "cook" with dried beans in their kitchen while I prep dinner.

4:27 - They get tired of cooking and use the beans to feed their pet dog and cat.

4:43 - Caleb and Sammy make a HUGE mess of beans on the kitchen table and floor.

4:44 - I start counting down the minutes until Brad comes home.

4:45 - I take some pre-made dough out of the fridge and realize it's way too firm to make pizza and breadsticks anytime soon.

5:18 - Brad gets home and the children proceed to climb all over him.

5:19 - I manage to climb over my children and give my husband a hug and kiss.

5:25 - I finish making homemade pizza and breadsticks and put it in the oven.

5:26 - I nurse a very hungry little girl!

6:01 - We all sit down and have dinner and I marvel at my delicious looking breadsticks!

6:35 - I change a very poopy cloth diaper...

6:36 - while making my baby girl smile.

6:48 - Brad leaves for Junction 122 (our college ministry)...

6:49 - but forgets to wave as he pulls out of the driveway...

6:49 and 30 seconds - and Caleb begins crying loudly, "daddy forgot to wave"...

6:49 and 45 seconds - I let Caleb call Brad to tell him he forgot to wave.

6:51 - Brad turns around, drives past the house again and waves.

6:51 and 15 seconds - Caleb is instantly better.

7:00 - We start to clean up all the toys.

7:28 - We are still cleaning up toys.

7:33 - We finally clean up all the toys

7:34 - Sammy and Caleb pick out 6 stories for me to read to them.

7:54 - Hannah starts crying...loudly.

7:55 - Caleb has an accident...all over his toys and bed.

8:03 - I finally clean up everything and try to ignore Hannah's growing screams as I....

8:04 - sing two songs with the kids and tuck them into bed.

8:05 - I pick up Hannah, calm her down...

8:10 - and start to nurse her.

8:22 - I call my good friend Gianna and chat with her for a few minutes before...

8:35 - she has to go and put her girls to bed.

8:52 - I call her back and chat with her some more and wish we could see each other's new babies soon!

9:16 - I tidy up my house a bit before my...

9:22 - mom calls to talk about maybe meeting in Fargo on Friday.

10:01 - I finally hang up with my mom and Brad calls to say he's on his way home.

10:10 - He arrives home and we talk about our evenings and then I...

10:31 - wake up Hannah to nurse for the final time tonight and play games on Brad's ipod touch while he...

10:38 - does who knows what on the computer.

10:47 - I beat one of Brad's records for his bubble wrap game.

10:59 - I put Hannah to bed and get ready for bed myself.

11:15 - I tell Brad I'll be to bed soon...

12:45 - but I don't because I'm still up blogging.

Memorial Day Weekend part 2

2010-06-11T16:45:00.003-05:00

When we first moved to Brainerd 6 years ago, I thought I would never find friends like the ones we had in the Twin Cities.

And we haven't...but we have come close!

I am so grateful for all my college girlfriends and fellow mommy's in Minneapolis. I miss all of them dearly and eagerly wait for our next visit...hopefully in the next month or so! We made so many memories together in college and during the 2 years we lived there before moving up north. They can never be replaced...but I knew it was going to be hard to find friends here that compared.

As I've been reviewing my Sabbath Rest notebook, I remember praying two years ago for good friends here in Brainerd. Not just friendly acquaintances, but real, transparent, and honest-to-goodness friends.

And God has answered that prayer.

The last few years, there have been a group of us that have gotten together for our children's birthday parties, Fourth of July fireworks, small group Bible studies, and game nights. We have treasured their friendships, and are so grateful for them.

This Memorial Day, we all got together to play at a GREAT park in Crosby and then finished off the day roasting hot dogs and smores over a bonfire.

This was one of a few pictures that I was in.

Nice, huh!

I really need to start remembering to have someone else take pictures so my kids actually know that I was there with them instead of them wondering...where was mom?

And, I should also start smiling and actually look at the camera next time!

Caleb is ALL boy! He just LOVES sand!

And what's summer with out some freezes! Yummy!

We played at a park on Serpent Lake...where there was this HUGE serpent. All of the men climbed on it...including Brad. But I liked this picture the best. It's true what they say...boys never really grow up! Even when they are 30 or older!

Look at my sweet baby girl! She pretty much slept the entire time!

Then we headed back to our friend's house to have a cook out.

And, just to be clear...the kids were playing "Duck, duck, goose" and NOT that other game "Duck, duck, grey duck"...since there really is no such thing as a grey duck!

It was a GREAT day, and I am so thankful for the wonderful people God has placed in our life!

Completely out of character...

2010-06-10T22:55:00.018-05:00

I've been realizing some things about myself lately...particularly in regards to my parenting habits. And I have decided that moms traditionally fall into two different camps concerning whether or not "certain" things bother them..ie, the cleaniness of their children and/or home.

The first camp that moms fall into would be...

"I let my kids make crazy kinds of messes, play out in the mud, pour sand over their heads, eat watermelon with a white shirt on, create all kinds of meals with ingredients from the kitchen, and finger paint anytime they wish."

And I know there are those of you out there!

Then there's the second camp..."I pick up the toys the moment my kids are done playing with them...my kids never paint except when plastic is covering every inch of the floor and table...my child's shirt is changed every time there is one spot on it...and, my personal favorite....I can't handle seeing a dirty child at the grocery store or at Target with chocolate or leftover ketchup on his or her face. I just have to grab a napkin and wipe that child's face clean!"

Yup, and those of you in that camp can completely relate!

Any guesses about which camp I fall into?

Before having children, my house had to be SPOTLESS before anyone...and I mean ANYONE entered. I would drive my husband crazy deep cleaning our home before youth group students or our families came to visit. I was seriously obsessive compulsive about it.

Thankfully, with the arrival of our first child, this condition began to change...slightly.

I mean, I still picked up every toy once Sammy was done playing with it.

Now I know what I did with all my time when I only had one child!

I did relax a bit on making sure everything was in its place and dusting every picture frame, but I found myself still flying into a frenzy before company arrived.

And my poor husband would just shake his head...

Now you would think that having three children would have completely cured me.

Sadly, it's not true.

The first few weeks after Hannah was born I tried to keep up...but I really found myself having to let go of a lot of things. Having a newborn who wasn't gaining weight and 2 other pre-schoolers who needed their mommy, forced me to let my cleaning slide. But now, I'm getting the hang of having three and am trying to return to my cleaning schedule.

But there is hope for a borderline obsessive compulsive cleaner like myself!

Take a look at what I've been allowing my children to do lately...

This would be my daughter playing in the sand and lake without a swimsuit on.

And this would be my little guy covering himself from head to toe in sand...

...and having the time of his life, I might add.

By the way, my husband took those pictures. I was chatting with a girlfriend and didn't see what my children were doing...they were supposed to be playing on the playground equipment near the beach...but when Brad told me what they were doing, I took a deep breath, restrained myself and just let them continue playing.

And just guess what I let my children do yesterday! It started with me filling a cookie sheet with a small amount of dried beans and letting Caleb drive his little match cars around in it. Giving him dried beans to play with was a stretch in itself! But they were contained and I told him he had to keep them in the pan on the table.

Well, then Sammy asked if she could make some "pretend" bean soup. I gave her just a few beans, but Sammy was NOT impressed with only having a few. So...I took a deep breath, opened a second bag of beans, and let my children go! I told them they could do whatever they wanted with the beans, as long as they kept them in the kitchen and cleaned them off the floor when they were done.

They had an absolute ball. They played for over an hour...cooking and pouring and baking. And they did an excellent job cleaning up.

I patted myself on the back for doing something I would have never had done 5 years ago.

But, do you notice something? Look back at the pictures... Aside from that first one, there are very few...if any beans on the floor.

That's when I realized I need to let them do this more often.

If not, I might just be raising little, obsessive compulsive clean freaks!

...but now I see.

2010-06-09T12:35:00.001-05:00

Over the last year or so, God has really begun to change my heart is so many ways. This morning, as I've been reviewing my Sabbath notebook...which contains everything I have written during my weekly Sabbath Rest time over the last 2 years...I'm overwhelmed with how much God has done.

And I'm overwhelmed with how much more work needs to be done...

But THAT will have to wait for another time...

One area that I am so grateful that God has grown me in is what I call "seeing people."

I am a prideful person. I can be quite arrogant at times. I have a strong personality. I am quite opinionated. And I often am so set in my ways (because black is black and white is white) that I often focus on the behavior and overlook the person.

But God, in His goodness, has helped me to see people...I mean really see people. I often am so busy and in a hurry that I don't take time to really notice those around me.

Like when I'm in a hurry to get somewhere and I don't really see my children and their needs...like seeing Sammy and the disappointment in her face when I promised to make a card with her for a friend, but put it aside to make my grocery list and brush her aside again as we are rushing out the door.

Like when I feel rushed and neglect to smile and thank the person who has waited on me in a restaurant or at a store.

Like when I just want to hang out with my girlfriends and neglect to chat a bit and ask the Starbucks barista how her day is going.

Life is not about getting places on time, completing everything on my list, and rushing from place to place in record time.

Pretty sure Jesus never rushed anywhere...

So I have been so grateful that God is giving me moments to see people.

He's given myself and 2 friends weekly "appointments" during our Bible study time to chat and share with 2 baristas at Starbucks.

He gave me an opportunity last week to talk with Val, the lady who took pictures of my kiddos at Sears.

I was able to chat and connect with a new mom during a weekly play date.

And every day, He gives me chances to look into the faces of my children and husband and...

listen...

watch...

take in...

who they are and what they need.

If nothing else gets done on my list today, I pray that I will stop and notice those around me...like the worker at Cub Foods who laughs every week when my children listen and wait for the "thunder" and "rain" in the produce aisle...like the other mom in the parking lot with her 3 children...like my sweet daughter Hannah and her "coo's" and "ahh's".

I want to take it all in...I want to appreciate it...I want to utilize every opportunity.

And, I hope today, you will too.

Memorial Day Weekend part 1

2010-06-07T20:27:00.006-05:00

We had such a great Memorial Day weekend this year! It was full of time spent with family and extended family, graduation open houses, and a super day with friends here in Brainerd. And the weather was glorious...a great treat for our outdoor activities.

My brother, Jim, lives in Grand Forks, ND and we don't get to see him or his kids very often. But he was heading to Detroit Lakes to meet up with his wife's family, and decided to swing by Brainerd.

For those of you who know the area, Brainerd is about an hour and a half east of Detroit Lakes...

"swing by" is really a relative phrase...

But I'm grateful that he came a little out of his way to see us.

He was only able to stay about a day, but we managed to do a lot in that time. We grilled out and spent some time playing outside.

We walked to a playground and spent some time talking and playing some more.

Sammy adores all her cousins, but has a special place in her heart for Beth. They are like two peas in a pod and we can definitely tell they are related!

Jess, who is the oldest cousin at 13, loved taking care of Hannah. She is such a natural with babies!

Beth also enjoyed getting to know Hannah. And boy, oh boy, could she make Hannah smile!

We actually remembered to take a picture of all the Wiese grandchildren before my brother left. I think we took a couple hundred pics (okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration...) and only 1 or 2 really turned out. Even though there were better ones than this, I just had to post this one because my daughter is so FUNNY!

Here's one with the adults too...minus my sister in law and her 2 girls.

I often take my family for granted, but I am so grateful for them right now. My brother and Brad and I stayed up late talking...while 4 of the 6 kids slept in the same room...which went quite well, I might add.

Seeing all our kids together was such a joy. This life is so short, and I don't want to miss any opportunities to spend time with those I love. Because, before I know it, Sammy will be having a graduation party like our students...

...and I will greatly miss these warm summer evenings with family.

Out and about

2010-06-05T21:51:00.007-05:00

It's been quite awhile since I last blogged. A lot of it has had to do with some sickness around the house. Sammy caught a terrible cough a couple of weeks ago. She was miserable and was up several times throughout the night. She in turn shared it her cough with me...

nice

...and I gave it to Hannah...

poor thing!

For over a week I sounded like a chained smoker and felt achy and had headaches most of the day. Hannah stopped sleeping through the night...

bummer!

...and struggled to nurse with her stuffed up nose.

It's been just lovely.

But aside from caring for the sick kiddos, falling into bed each night completely exhausted, and thanking my husband for letting me sleep in or take a nap, we have been enjoying our beautiful Minnesota summer.

At our youth workers retreat at Camp Shamineau a few weeks ago, Sammy spent an hour riding ponies in the stable.

My 4 year old remembered EVERY name of each pony she rode last year at camp...you know, when she was 3. She is seriously going to ask for a pony one of these years for her birthday.

Poor Caleb was completely tuckered out by camp and took almost a 4 hour nap one afternoon.

I love this picture...he seems so peaceful...and the best part is that he's not running away from me!

We've also been swimming quite a bit in our bath tub since the kids are getting quite filthy with all the outside activity.

I've decided that the dirtiness of the bath water is directly related to how much fun Sammy and Caleb had that day.

We're also spending countless hours playing on the swing set.

(Sammy's stuffed animals are enjoying the swing set too.)

Apparently Caleb doesn't realize he's not big enough to do the ladder and monkey bars.

Oh, and let's not forget the kitty that wandered into our yard one day. Sammy and Caleb had a blast...and spent the next 3 days begging us to get a cat! Sammy thought the cat needed to swing as well.

Interesting enough, the cat didn't seem to mind.

We've also been busy doing individual dates with the kiddos. Brad took Caleb to the train yard...which is tresspassing and just a wee bit illegal...but the boys had a great time looking at the oil cars.

Caleb was quite pleased with the railroad spike he found!

We also took a family walk to the local "Ma and Pop" ice cream stand near our house. The kids cones were 50 cents and our sundaes were a buck.

The kids seemed to enjoy it.

Little Miss Six Week Old...

2010-05-24T22:26:00.003-05:00

Hannah was six weeks old last Wednesday.

I seriously think that with every child I have had, the time during the first few months flies by more quickly.

And, as a six week birthday gift from Hannah to us, she gave us 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Since then, she has increased her blessing of sleep to us. Most nights I can nurse between 10:30 and 11:30 and she won't wake up until sometime between 6:30 and 7:30. On Sunday, we had to wake her up at 8:00 so that we would get to church on time.

I whispered in her ear that morning that she was my "favorite" child.

Don't worry....I DO NOT have favorites...

but for that short moment she was!

She is simply a delight! She smiles all the time. She only cries when she is hungry, has a wet or dirty diaper, wants a new position, or is tired. She's a very easy baby to read.

She hates being held in the cradle position, except to nurse. She prefers to be upright so she can hold up her head and push up with her feet. She LOVES her daddy, big brother and big sister and loves all the activity in our home. She continually delights the "grandmas" in the nursery and they continually fight over her and tell me of how she smiles and smiles at them.

She is such a joy, and loves to cuddle with mommy and daddy. She is also our first "spit-upy" baby, so we both have several outfit changes per day.

But she is definitely worth it.

Oh, and, have I mentioned she LOVES to smile?

Blessings...

2010-05-24T21:08:00.005-05:00

Even though my parents live 6 hours away, they have been very involved with our children's lives. They have watched our kiddos countless times for weekends away, youth and other various retreats, trips to Colorado, and our 10 year anniversary cruise last November. They have watched the kids at their home near Bismarck, ND, and have also driven to Brainerd many times.

They are amazing grandparents!

I remember the first time we left Sammy overnight. Brad and I were headed to a weekend marriage retreat in Duluth, and we left not quite 1 year old Sammy at our house with Grandma and Papa.

I cried the first 10 minutes after we drove away.

I am not kidding.

I also left a 7 page note, that's right folks, 7 pages of detailed notes about Sammy's schedule, food menu, medicine and other bits of information about how to run the furnace and the VCR.

Again, I am not kidding.

My mom told me months later she and dad cracked up when they read my "note."

"As if we haven't raised children or know how to adjust the temperature..." they said to each other while chuckling at my insane details.

Yes, I am a bit of a control freak...but I assure you I have toned down since then. I think my last note for my parents when we left the kiddos with them in February was about a page long.

Either I've toned down or I've realized that any question Grandma would need answered, Sammy is fully capable of answering...or Sammy thinks she is capable of answering.

If you've met Sammy you would know that Sammy knows everything about everything and is not afraid to admit it.

Prayers (and advice) for how to parent "the child who knows everything" would be greatly appreciated!

Anyway, my parents weren't able to come down right away to see Hannah, but did make it down within her first 2 weeks of life.

They simply could not get enough of my sweet baby girl.

My mom just kept crying when she first held Hannah. I know it was a pretty special time for her because she had always wished she would have had more children.

My dad was pretty smitten with her as well. There is nothing my dad likes better than rocking babies...

...well, that and letting my pre-schoolers play doctor with him.

And his broken arm was the perfect excuse for him to need his own doctor and nurse.

Caleb had to put his medical skills to good use too.

I am so grateful for their visit, no matter how short it was. I am also grateful at how they love and grandparent my kids. Sammy, Caleb, and Hannah (and Brad and I) are truly blessed!

Will I ever learn?

2010-05-20T16:33:00.005-05:00

I currently am having a love/hate relationship with our new iMac. While I really love how much better, faster, and easier to use it is, I have STILL not figured out iPhoto. I can only access and edit pictures when I'm logged under Brad's account and then I have to export those photos to another folder in our "shared documents" to be able to pull them up under my log in.

And with all the extra time I have, this has not been frustrating at all.

Did you all catch the sarcasm in my voice?

Anywho...I will get it figured out. I just would like the whole process to take me less than a couple of hours to actually do.

Okay, moving on...

Little Miss Hannah was six weeks yesterday. It has completely flown by. She is such a good baby and such a joy. She has now given us 2 nights in a row of 6-7 hours of sleep.

I cannot tell you what it feels like to get that much sleep in a row. You begin to realize how much you were living in a fog...and you start thanking God that nothing happened to your children when you were in that state.

The fact that all of my children are still alive and are being feed daily equates success in my book.

Now I would be posting cute pics of Hannah, but I'm still having trouble getting them from the camera to iPhoto to the shared account to my blog.

Not that it is frustrating or anything...

Okay, I'm really moving on this time.

Near the end of my pregnancy, I began to realize that I was going to be needing some extra help. My parents weren't sure if they were going to be able to come right away, and so I asked Brad's mom to come shortly after my due date. She was a bit leery of doing this since she had flown once before to my sister in laws around her due date with her first child...and missed the actual birth. But I assured her that my doctor would induce me shortly after my due date and since there are only a couple of babies delivered each day in Brainerd, there would be plenty of room for me.

Reason #191 to live in a small town! That and the fact that I know all my doctors and nurses by name and some even have kids in our youth group!

So she flew up from North Carolina 3 days after Hannah arrived, and IT WAS SUCH A BLESSING!

Not only did she get to see Hannah so soon after she was born, but she was such a great help to me during that first 2 weeks.

Betty is a great lady, and I'm so blessed to have her as a mother in law. She is so eager to help and genuinely wants to please me and my sister in laws. And even though I'm a bit of a control freak...

just a little bit...

I eventually took my husband's and my mom's and Betty's advice and actually let her help.

It only took me about 6 or 7 days into her visit to let her do this.

Being a control freak is not that much fun when life is overwhelming you and you STILL think you should being doing everything yourself.

But, that is topic for another time...

So sweet Betty did my dishes...and taught Sammy to wash them as well.

She made homemade shortcake and whip cream with the kids.

She sang songs with the kids at night and taught them some that Grandma Aust only knows.

She played play -do.

She read countless books to eager little ears.

And still she managed to find the time to hold little Hannah.

Thank you Mom for all you did. Thank you for gently reminding me that I couldn't do it all and that it was okay to ask for help.

Back in the saddle again...

2010-05-17T23:34:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went on a run.

Well, it was more like a jog, but that's beside the point.

I exercised pretty religiously up until the day...you heard me right....the very day I went into labor.

While that sounds really great, despite my many miles on the treadmill and elliptical machine, I still managed to gain 40 pounds.

But let's not dwell on that little note!

Anyway, Hannah is going to be 6 weeks on Wednesday. SIX WEEKS! I still can't believe it. And aside from an occasional walk here and there, I have not exercised at all since having her. After realizing that I've only lost about 20 of the previously noted 40 pounds, I told Brad this weekend that I HAD to start running again.

So tonight, after putting Sammy and Caleb to bed at 8:00 and nursing Hannah shortly thereafter, I was out the door.

And it was glorious...simply glorious!

I'm not sure what exactly made it glorious. Maybe it was just having my running clothes and shoes on again. Or it could have been listening to my running music on my MP3 player. Maybe it was the cool evening or the crescent moon or feeling the pavement under my feet. Perhaps it was the fact that I had 20 minutes outdoors...alone. Just me, my praise music, the fresh air, and my Savior.

For those of you who don't know, I am NOT a runner. I started running in high school just because it was the best way I felt for me to stay in shape. I don't love running like some people out there.

You know who you are...

But I enjoy what running does for me. It helps me lose weight, makes me feel good, and it gives me some precious time to myself.

I ran about 2 miles, and aside from a really slow pace, it felt just like it did a couple of months ago. I felt rejuvenated, awake and alert, and grateful to have some time to myself on a beautiful May evening.

So tonight I am grateful. Grateful to my husband for holding a fussy baby so I could run. Grateful for the motivation to actually start running again. Grateful that I even have the ability to run for any length of time.

But most of all, I'm grateful for the precious time I had to review my day, time to listen to some encouraging music, and time to praise God for who He is and what He continues to do in my life.

Singing in the rain...

2010-05-06T14:05:00.001-05:00

just singing in the rain...

what a glorious feeling...

I'm happy again.

Little Miss Four Week Old...

2010-05-05T12:21:00.003-05:00

Hannah Joy is 4 weeks old today.

Seriously, where did the time go?

(Oh, and this picture is a few days old since I'm still having trouble sinking our pics to our Mac...she isn't that yellow anymore!)

We are so grateful for our little Hannah. She is beginning to smile, holds her head up like a pro, and is so very content.

I can count on one hand how many fussy evenings she has had. Her cries are usually very easy to remedy...aside from those few nights.

She usually gives us at least one 4 hour block each night...but it's usually from 10 to 3 a.m. We really need to get our act together and actually go to sleep right after her 10:00 p.m. feeding!

She loves music and any noise in particular.

She loves being held, and rarely cries when she is being held by her siblings.

Aside from her laid back and mellow personality, the thing I love most about her is how she gazes at people. She is able to maintain great eye contact...even though Brad insists that she stares at his hair and not his eyes! Sometimes I feel like she's peering into my soul!

She loves to cuddle, and she is often fought over in the nursery.

She is the perfect little addition to our family. Happy 4 week birthday little girl!

Adjusting to a "new" normal

2010-04-26T13:57:00.004-05:00

It's Monday, and Brad is back at work today.

Brad's mom is back in NC, and after a short visit from my parents last week, they, too, are at home in ND.

I'm on my own again.

Each day is getting easier, but some days are incredibly hard.

I think those hard days primarily have to do with lack of sleep...

...but it's not just that.

During the many, many hours that I nurse each day, I've been trying to figure out why it is so much harder this time around.

I mean, aside from the fact that our children now outnumber us...

I really don't have the brain power to over analyze, but I'm trying to understand what the main issues are so that we can make some changes...

before I go insane.

Over the course of the last few days, I've come up with some random thoughts...

Even though I had a really great delivery, Hannah and I were still in the hospital (and away from our family) for 4 out of 7 days. That was rough on us and on Sammy and Caleb. Then she wasn't gaining weight and had really bad jaundice. Because of that, I was nursing like crazy. I was so preoccupied with her gaining weight, I really didn't have time for much else.

In addition to that craziness...

Brad and I haven't had a date night in over 3 weeks and because of his work schedule, and we haven't had much time to talk about anything but our kids and when Hannah has to eat next...

We have not been able to figure out how we are going to do Sabbath (2-3 hours alone with God) each week...Sleep is currently trumping Sabbath, but we're beginning to feel the toll it's taking on us by not spending time reading God's Word and in quiet time with Him.

Our schedule is way CRAZY busy...just this week alone, here's what's on the agenda.

Sunday (yesterday) - taught Sunday School, went to church, Brad had Mosaic (student leadership), and soccer (of which Brad skipped this week so that I could get a nap)

Monday - church congregational meeting (of which I'm going to probably have to skip...)

Tuesday - Titus 2 ministry in the morning. As for the evening, nothing so far, but we have a list of things to get done at home...like give Brad a much needed hair cut.

Wednesday - youth group

Thursday - BSF in the morning and dinner in the evening with some youth volunteers to discuss the next year

Friday - girl's night with my Sunday School class

Saturday - Brad's date with Sammy

Seriously, this has GOT to change!

I also need to get groceries, run a bunch of little errands, and return the stock-pile of dishes from the many meals cooked by wonderful friends.

I'm trying to give myself some grace, I mean, who really cares if my dirty dishes are everywhere and I have several loads of laundry to fold?

I fear though, at the heart of my issue, is control and a lack of willingness to adjust to the "new normal."

I want to continue to go at my old pace. I want to look like I have it all together. I want to spend time with each child, have a clean house, have some time for me, go on a date with my hubby, and still have the energy and passion to spend time with God.

I know, I'm living in a dream world.

What I need to do is focus on what is most important...caring for my children (and making sure they are fed and loved each day), making time for my husband, finding the time to take a shower (man...a hot shower can TOTALLY make my day), and figuring out how to spend a few minutes with God each day.

The rest...like doing the dishes, folding laundry, running errands, writing a million thank you cards to friends, returning maternity clothes and even blogging...will just have to wait.

So, while Hannah and Caleb sleep, I'm going to spend some much needed time with Sammy...and hopefully, read from God's Word.

Because...what good is it to feed my stomach if I'm not feeding my soul...