The Gift of Endurance

I often read articles from Desiring God. Brad and I have a special connection to it because of his time studying at Bethlehem Seminary and because we know many of its writers. I have learned so much from these men and women, and this website has been such a blessing to me and so many others. 

After reading this article on Sunday, I just haven't been able to get it off my mind. It was both convicting and encouraging. It opened my eyes to God's goodness and discipline and His beautiful gift of endurance that I had forgotten. It has been a timely reassurance to my discouraged heart. 

Brad and I are at crossroads. We see God's hand at work and His good leading and are both willing and excited to see where He leads. But yet, I find myself anxious and scared. I feel like the many difficulties of the last several years have made me weary and weakened my faith.

I realized today, as I've had extra time to pour over God's Word, that the trials over the last couple of years has really been God's good work in me to build endurance. And sadly, I feel that I haven't learned it very well. 

Endurance is the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. It is one of God's good gifts to us. And it is something that can only be learned through pain and hardships. 

I feel, especially this past year, that I've been simply surviving and not thriving. In addition to all the Covid restrictions, there has been homeschooling four children, our kids' extra curricular activities, and changes in Brad's current job. I've also had some deep, personal struggles that have been difficult for me to deal with that I'm just now beginning to share. 

But what's been so convicting for me today is that I KNOW where I should be placing my hope, and I haven't been doing it. I haven't been preaching the Gospel to myself every day like I should be. I have not been living out Hebrews 10:23.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." 

In my discouragement, I fear that I have "thrown away my confidence, which has a great reward." (Hebrews 10:35) 

And I certainly don't want to be one who is overcome with disbelief. "But my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him." (Hebrews 10:38)

It has been so good for me today to have my eyes opened again to the fact that God doesn't waste any hurt or disappointment or pain. He is and will use it to wake us up to our unbelief or to grow our endurance and faith. He is constantly at work to make us look more like His Son. 

We are so blessed that we can "look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2) And we can appreciate and even be glad when we find ourselves in a season of discouragement. "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:7)

We have a good God who cares for even the smallest of details in our life. We can trust that all things happen for our good and for His glory. And even when the days and months and years are long, He is growing endurance in us, if we only would have eyes to see it. 

It's okay to grieve

    I had a conversation with a dear friend this week that started much like most of my typical conversations with family or friends. It began with "catching up" and asking how each of us were doing. And when I gave the update on how I was, it began the same way as it always has these last many months...with a heavy sigh and then a list of struggles, anxieties, worries, hardships, and disappointments. Then quickly after my "venting," I immediately, like always, felt convicted and began to list the many, many blessings that God has showered on me and our family these last difficult months as well.     

    My friend listened graciously and then asked me what I was hoping to receive from her. Was I looking for someone to remind me of God's good plan for my life and remind me of what I knew to be true about His Word? Or was I looking for someone to join me in my despair and agree with me that, yes, it has been very hard? I told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted from her. She paused...and then I went off again about how I hated being a grumbler and complainer and that God has been so kind and merciful and that I shouldn't be complaining and what is wrong with me and so on...until she politely interrupted me. 

    She asked me to listen for a few minutes and began telling me that my issue wasn't that I was complaining about where God has us right now OR that I'm doing a good job at fighting for joy and being thankful in all circumstances. 

    The issue was that I wasn't allowing myself to really grieve the hardships and disappointments of these last several months...and potentially even the last couple of years. 

    I have been so busy trying to figure out where God is leading and what He's doing and what I should be learning while also trying to focus on the things that I can be grateful for in the midst of this difficult season, that I haven't given myself the permission and freedom to grieve all the material things, hopes, longings, dreams, and expectations that I have lost. 

    I may have briefly grieved a few things, but I've never laid out all the pain and disappointments and unmet expectations at the feet of my Savior. I've kept much of it bottled up and focused instead on how to make lemonade with the lemons that God has provided instead of crying out to God about how hard it has been to only have lemons for what seems like several years.

    And because I haven't dealt fully with the hurt, any time I'm reminded about what has been lost, I get angry and complain and then quickly re-focus on God's blessings and stuff the hurt. 

    I can see clearly now that it's been a destructive cycle in my life. My emotions have been unsteady and have simply been reactions to either the good or bad circumstances. I never know how I'm going to react...it depends on the circumstances of the day. I've haven't been as authentic as I usually am with those around me. And I've told many, many people that I'm doing fine. 

    The truth is...these last several years have been the hardest of my life. 

    Moving from Minnesota to Iowa was very, very difficult for our kids and for Brad and me.  Living 4 hours farther from family and lifelong friends was much, much harder than we ever imagined. Dealing with Brad's brush with death and lengthy hospital stay and on-going oncology appointments has given me PTSD type symptoms that I've been trying to manage on my own. Resigning from and leaving a church we loved still hurts almost daily. Interviewing and candidating at 6+ churches in the last 14 months has been emotionally grueling. Selling our house in a great neighborhood and then having a ministry opportunity fall through broke my heart. Shepherding my kids through church interviews, moving, changes in schooling, and their many questions has taken so much of my energy. Renting a smaller house while watching my husband hang drywall instead of using the gifts God has given him to pastor a church is heartbreaking.

    It has been and has continued to be very, very hard. 

     So what am I to do? I am usually a very positive person. My faith is strong. But one of my faults is that I'm so eager to help people that I sometimes move too quickly past their grief to get to the healing on the other side. I don't always sit long enough with them in their pain, and I too quickly point them to God's Word when they need someone just to be by their side. 

    So I need to be quiet. I need to name and write out my hurts and disappointments. I need to not rush to figure out what God is doing. I need to cry out to God like the Israelites did in Exodus 2.

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew."

     I also need to let myself feel grief.  I know now that I can cry out to God in a way that isn't in anger towards him. I can be honest with what I'm feeling, just like David was in Psalm 6:

 "O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
    nor discipline me in your wrath. 

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled.
    But you, O Lord—how long?

Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
    save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

For in death there is no remembrance of you;
    in Sheol who will give you praise?

I am weary with my moaning;
    every night I flood my bed with tears;
    I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;
    it grows weak because of all my foes.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
    for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my plea;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
    they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment."

  So today, I will grieve, really grieve, and lay all my fears, anxieties, questions, hopes, and earthly possessions at the feet of the cross. And once I cry all my tears, whenever that will be, I hope to land softly in the bed of God's many comforting promises like...

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

- Philippians 1:6

and

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." 

- Romans 8:28  

A Parallel Life

Another day, another blood draw, another oncology appointment...

another life lesson to be learned.

Brad has often said to me, "This is the craziest life I've ever known."

Most days I just smile and shake my head at him. 

But today, I agree with him fully!

We are so grateful for God's sweet mercy! Brad's white blood count slightly increased from 2.1 to 2.4 and his neutrophils increased from .8 to 1.2. 

So he's out of the danger zone again, and he can say good-bye to his mask!

Wearing a medical mask in 95 degree weather is no fun AT ALL people!

Because his numbers have increased instead of decrease, we can also wait another 2 weeks until his next blood draw. And continue to pray that his bone marrow finally figures out how to produce more white blood cells.

In the meanwhile, Brad will do his best to rest and take care of his body, and I will do my best to keep him doing just that. 

As we were driving from the hospital, I could not help but think about how this cancer journey parallels a Christian life. The similarities suddenly struck me today.

We have made summer plans, but we know that Brad's numbers will determine whether we're able to fulfill and live out those plans. Each week we may have to adjust our lives in light of a blood draw or chemotherapy treatment or new symptoms of a possible infection.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." 

 - Proverbs 16:9

I am so much more aware at this moment, more than I've ever been in my life, that my life is not my own and the Lord will lead and do as he wills. He establishes our steps. I make plans, but the Lord is in control of all things.

And all will be for our good and his glory. 

My mantra has become...

“...if the Lord wills...” - James 4:15

 
So, we continue to try and live a (new) normal life...we make plans, but hold onto them loosely. 

Not only am I learning to use the phrase, "Lord willing," more and to guard my heart if summer plans have to be altered or changed, but I'm also learning how to be content with just knowing the very next step in Brad's medical journey.  

Brad and I were eager to talk at his appointment yesterday about whether he can still direct our church's VBS in 2 weeks or if we can go on our Aust family vacation in late July. 

But our oncologist doesn't know. 

We don't know. 

Nobody but God knows. 

We just have to be content with taking it one step at a time. 

God is giving us just enough light to see the next step on our path. He's encouraged our hearts by increasing Brad's numbers this week, but the final answer for VBS will be given on June 21, at Brad's next blood draw. Right now we can't see that step.

 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." -Psalm 119:105

One step at a time.  

That's pretty hard for the 6 month planner in me...

But it's good. 

So good for me. 

Whatever control I thought I had concerning Brad's health and recovery, I realize I don't. 

But I trust the One who does know. The One who lovingly leads and guides us each day. The One who is control of all things.

Life with cancer

As Brad and I were waiting to see his oncologist last Thursday morning, I was jotting down some questions I wanted to ask. My biggest questions were...

"Once his numbers are all within the normal range, how do we know his leukemia is dormant/gone/in remission? Will a blood test be the only way we will know for sure? Will signs of infection be our only clues that the leukemia is back?"

But, I wasn't able to ask those questions because his white blood count had dropped from 2.54 down to 2.1 (4-11 is normal) and his neutrophils had dropped from 1.48 down to .8 (2-8 is normal and below 1 makes him highly susceptible to infection) in just 4 and a half weeks.

The upward trend in Brad's numbers in April had given us hope that this medical journey might be coming to an end. 

But, as the Lord has seen fit, it hasn't. 

So, we have a short term plan in place. Wait for a week just to rule out that a virus wasn't the culprit of his low numbers...we had been living life normally, with visits from out of state family and friends, day trips to Pella, IA, and LOTS of neighbor kids running through our house. If his numbers are still low on Friday, the next step will be to do another bone marrow biopsy. 

And as I've been told since the beginning of March, the answers are often found in the bone marrow. 

After we get a pathology report from that, Brad's oncologist will be able to make a plan for what's next.   

So, unfortunately, we're back in the "waiting room".

Many of you have texted and called and reached out to us with prayers and words of encouragement. 

Thank you! 

So, how are we doing?

Overall, we're doing okay. I'm not going to lie...Thursday was a really, really hard day. But Friday morning, Brad and I were both up early, and we refocused and made plans for the new day. 

Last Friday was our kiddos' last day of school, and we decided to spend the day celebrating the completion of another school year! 

We started the festivities with a some pizza at a park.

 Then the kids rode the carousel at Union Park...it's only 50 cents per ride!

 



















The kids went swimming and played on the beach at Gray's Lake.





















And Brad and I got to relax a little in the shade. He always tells me to tell people that he's smiling under his mask!

Then we dropped off Sammy at Hidden Acres camp on Sunday afternoon. 

When Sammy first saw Brad with his mask back on last Thursday, she quickly stated without any hesitation, "I'm not going to camp. I need to be here in case something happens." As the oldest, she has carried a lot of the weight of family life at home in March and April. 

But no, sweet girl, you are headed to camp! You need to have a week to be a kid and not worry or be anxious about what may lie ahead.

As Brad continues to work from both home and church, preparing for his sermon on Sunday and VBS in a couple of weeks, the younger 3 kids and I have been busy with basketball camp, trips to parks, and some hot afternoons at the pool. 



 






















 
It's crazy how life continues to go on every day. There are moments where I only think about Brad's cancer and other moments when I'm busy doing things around the house or am out and about with the kids that I forget about the black cloud of cancer that hangs over our family. 

It's a strange, new normal. And it's something I'm sure our family shares now with many, many other cancer families out there. 

So, while we're in this waiting room and preparing for, perhaps, another round of chemotherapy and then a 4-6 week recovery, we work on house projects, spend time together, and make adjustments to plans in light of Brad's compromised immune system. 

I feel compelled, as long as we are on this journey, to not waste what God has for us in this battle against leukemia. If I believe, and I do believe, that God doesn't allow anything to touch us except what has been filtered through his loving hands, then there is good to be found in this. 

So, we place our hope in God, savor each new day, and live life in a way that makes much of the name of Christ.

Two months...

Several years ago as I was reading through the Old Testament, I was struck by how many times these phrases were used...

remember

and 

do not forget

and 

when your children ask you

and 

as a memorial

All those phrases were coupled with places, times, locations in which God rescued, saved or restored his people, the Israelites. God was very specific. And he was very serious about this. He wanted his people to remember the great work that he had done in their midst AND to tell future generations about that great work. 

I am forgetful. My children are forgetful. We as a society forget things that just happened the day before. 

It's easy to forget.

But it's important that we don't. 

Why?

Because memories are important. 

They are powerful. 

They help us make choices in the present and help us from making the same mistakes in the future. Memories can make you smile or bring you to tears. 

Memories are one of the main reasons I love to scrapbook. The power and importance of memories is why I assigned Sammy to read The Giver this year for school.  

Most importantly, memories help us remember what God has done and grow our faith to continue to believe in him and his promises in his Word when the next crisis comes.

It is good for us to remember...even the hard memories. 

Dates, anniversaries, months, years, milestones are significant. Reflecting and remembering those days are very, very important to me. And our family hit one of those significant anniversaries on Monday, May 28. 

Two months. 

Two months since Brad was discharged from the hospital after spending 28 days fighting for his life against Legionaries Disease and Hairy Cell Leukemia. 

Two months of good days and bad days. Two months of healing. Two months of exhaustion and gratefulness. Two months of adjusting to our "new normal." 

Today....well, today Brad feels great. He's felt really good the last 3 weeks or so. 

And just like that...the one thing we prayed for...

normal life again

  

has, in some ways, been granted.  

Last night, as part of family devotions, we talked about what life was like 3 months ago...when Brad first got sick. 

Surprisingly, it was hard for our younger 2 kids to really remember what that was like...

Daddy, very sick in the hospital and Mommy, away from the family and caring and advocating for Daddy all day, every day. 

So we added another "stone" to our "stones of remembrance."

God spared Daddy's life.

Because I don't want them to forget the miracle that God did in their midst. I don't want to forget how God answered hundreds of people's prayers. And I want to remember how God was near to our family. 

Especially today as we prepare for another blood draw and oncology appointment tomorrow.

Remember...remember...remember...

"And when in time to come your son asks you, "what does this mean?" you shall say to him, "By a strong hand the LORD brought us out of Egypt, from the house of slavery." -Exodus 13:14

 "Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children--" -Deut. 4:9

"And he said to the people of Israel, "When your children ask their fathers in times to come, 'What do these stones mean?' then you shall let your children know, Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground." -Joshua 4:21-22