God's great plan...part 3.

After our church's congregational meeting on January 24, Brad stepped up his search for a new position. We knew there was a strong possibility of a youth pastor being hired by the summer, so we felt the clock was ticking. Yet we both felt strongly that Brad should try to remain at Lakewood to help transition the new guy. We felt anxious and "in a hurry" yet also not rushed because we had no real end date for Brad's employment. Some days I was overwhelmed with all that needed to be done, and others I was at peace.

From my Sabbath journal, February 25, 2011:

"So many things need to be done! Stuff around the house...taxes...organizing...downsizing..."

"But, all will get done...You have given us all the time we need. Help me to be wise in my use of it. You are the Sovereign Ruler of the past, present, and future. Did Brad do ANYTHING to get his job at Lakewood? No!"

Later that same morning from Jesus Calling:

"I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy, even precarious. This is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine."

Isn't God amazing to give me exactly what I needed for each day! Even as I write this, I am amazed at His goodness!

By the end of March, our search committee had been led to a particular candidate, and it was becoming more certain of his calling to Lakewood. Brad also had been sending out several resumes to churches and was filling out a long questionnaire for one in particular. We both felt the need to find a job so we could transition out while a new youth pastor was transitioning in. I could tell that I was becoming weary from all of Brad's church responsibilities, his endless job searching, and my responsibilities in and outside our home.

Then, a month later, while we were quickly trying to de-clutter our home and finish up projects so that we could put it on the market, some of the churches that were either pursuing us (or we were pursuing) all led to dead ends. There were not a lot of leads for new ministry jobs. We became unsure about whether to put our house on the market since there were no job prospects. We were also going to vote on a new youth pastor on May 9, and we had no idea what lay ahead.

A few days before the congregational meeting and vote for the new youth pastor, Brad and I met with our senior pastor and a church elder. Over lunch we discussed a short-term job possibility for Brad at Lakewood. Ever since Brad began meeting weekly with our senior pastor last fall and also since filling out the EFCA's ministry match, we were beginning to discuss whether another type of position...such as associate pastor... may be a better fit for Brad. Since his main areas of strength were preaching, teaching, and discipling, maybe this was God's way of leading us to a completely different area of ministry. So our church's elders recommended that Brad be offered a full time (with same pay and benefits) adult ministries internship under our senior pastor from August 1 - December 31, 2011.

We were overwhelmed and very grateful for this possibility! Brad was very excited about working more closely with our senior pastor as well as preaching more, teaching our 222 leadership class, and getting his feet wet with other adult ministries responsibilities. We both believe this would be an excellent chance for Brad to see another area of ministry as well as give us a bit more time to either find another job or explore other avenues...like seminary.

And over the course of the last few months, Brad and our senior pastor also discussed the possibility of Brad and I traveling to a retreat center in Tennessee to process and debrief the last year with a counselor as well as rest, pray, and seek God's direction for our future. God's timing was perfect, yet again! Just last week we traveled to Fairhaven Ministries on Roan Mountain in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. We were able to spend 5 wonderful days there, and it was a huge blessing to us. We gained some perspective over the last 2 years, were able to discuss fears and feelings of rejection and doubt, as well as learn practical tools that we will need to rely on over the next 7 months as Brad's transitioning from one position to another at Lakewood as well as the next place of ministry God leads us.

And in that beautiful place, God was able to show me, very clearly, His hand in all of this.

We flew out just 5 days after our last youth group...our annual lip sync...where at intermission, Brad was honored and affirmed. Just a week before that, our senior pastor shared with our students about the new youth pastor as well as Brad's transition out of LSM later this summer. That same week was also Brad's last message to our students.

Those last two Wednesday nights were incredibly difficult for me. Even now, I'm not sure how to continue with this. We had been with these students for 7 years, and thinking about not being a part of their lives brings me to tears. Personally, all I've ever been is a youth pastor's wife, and it felt like I was losing a part of myself...like when I decided to leave teaching for a season to be at home with my children. It was an extremely difficult time.

But while I was up on that mountain...listening to the Roaring Creek outside our chalet window...God put it together for me. Just minutes before Brad shared for the final time with our students, he told me how he felt God had put him at Lakewood for this exact season. He was ordained by God with a specific purpose. His personality was very flexible...which enabled him to work with two very different youth pastors. He wasn't intimidated by being the #2 guy. He enjoyed working with another youth pastor, yet didn't desire to take over. He had provided stability and had served two interim positions.

He was placed at Lakewood for this specific purpose. And now it was time to let go.

No matter how hard I have fought this "letting go" over the past 9 months, God truly spoke through Brad and I was fully able to embrace it last week.

So, where does that leave us? Brad will continue to oversee LSM through July 31 and then pass the baton on to another youth pastor. August 1 he will slide over into a temporary adult ministries position until December 31. But all the while we will continue to pursue other ministry job possibilities as well as other avenues as the Lord directs.

If we truly say in our hearts (and I believe we do) that we want to serve the Lord wherever He calls us, then our feet have to match our hearts. So we will continue to take it one day at a time, enjoying every moment with our dear friends, going to play dates, de-cluttering our home and finishing small work projects, ministering to those around us, and anxiously awaiting our "marching orders."

My new theme is "Resting in the waiting room."

So, we wait, knowing that the longing we have to be settled in the next season of our life will not be fulfilled in this world...

but in the next.

And that's okay.

God's great plan...part 2.

From my Sabbath journal, September 4, 2o1o...5 days after we learned Brad was not going to be considered further for the lead youth pastor position:

"Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will."

"Do not fear change..."

"I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone." - all from Jesus Calling

My personal thoughts from that same day:

"Even in the midst of my grief, I am grateful for this week...for even knowing so quickly...for processing and understanding why Brad will not be Lakewood's next youth pastor...."

From my Sabbath journal a week later, September 11, 2010:

"It's crazy, but in a week's time I have moved from grief to contentment...the worries that overwhelmed my spirit have been placed to the side and are in the loving arms of God. While I know hard decisions are ahead, those worries will be saved for another day. They will not overwhelm me today. I don't know what the next year holds, but I do know that God will be faithful..."

"God's Rule is Right and God has a Right to Rule." - from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study

I am grateful that I have record of these thoughts from that time. Much of my memory of those first couple of weeks in September were not as "faith-filled" as what I just shared. But even in the midst of our pain, I praise God for those precious hours during my weekly Sabbath that I was able to focus on Him and not on the changing circumstances around me.

As we processed our grief together as a couple, with close friends, and other pastors, I remember moving from shock to grief to contentment in a matter of a few days. But after that initial wave, our personal feelings and emotions led us to a place of anger, rejection and doubt. And I'm sad to say that we stayed in that place for much of the following months.

From my Sabbath journal, September 17, 2010:

"After talking with 3 key lifeguards this week, my head is spinning again! I was FINE...or at least more fine with everything before tonight. Now all those first feelings are swelling up in me again. Feelings of "unfairness"....being upset and angry...going through this grieving process once again."

A few paragraphs later...

"Protect us Lord from thoughts, hopes, dreams that we shouldn't have or think. Help us to take one day at a time and fully live in this time as interim youth pastor. Keep our feet firmly planted. And tear away any desires to be vindicated. We don't have to fight this. This is not our battle. We are only to be your clay."

October and November were especially difficult for us. We were grieving over the fact that our time at Lakewood would be ending. We were also trying to lead the youth ministry well in the midst of that grief. We were still figuring out how to be a family of 5. For me personally, I was just trying to keep up with laundry, diapers, housework, Bible studies, etc. Brad was gone several days both those months and in the midst of it all, Brad got injured at a youth retreat, my dad had a heart attack (while Sammy and Caleb were both visiting), and several dear friends experienced grief that still to this day cause my eyes to tear up.

Portions from my Sabbath journal from November 11 and December 3:

"A time to release...Where do I start?

1. The burden of LSM....and knowing we will be leaving soon.

2. Brad's injury

3. The heaviness of my job...parenting, disciplining, being a wife, housekeeper, etc.

4. Worry over my parents' health

5. The future...looking for a new job, home, change for the kids, loss of friends, leaving Brainerd and Lakewood

6. My dear friends' grief and trials that seems almost too big to bear

I feel like mourning today. Worry and anxiety overwhelm me this morning. I don't want to give up all that I have here...."

In the midst of this, God was showing me some areas of "idolatry" in my life. Lakewood, the Brainerd Lakes Area and all that I had here had become idols.

From my Sabbath journal, December 10, 2010:

"Father, I confess that I don't want to move! I feel like I'm digging my heels in. I am holding tightly to something that I feel is slipping away. I am being stripped of all (my church, my friends, my comfort, BSF, Tapestry, etc.) that I have depended on."

"I long to depend on You. I long to trust you fully. Please break the hold I have on these things, people, activities, places. They all have made such an impact in my life...but I KNOW that You have been the source of it all....the Giver of these good things."

"Break me from these things I have depended on. Tear down my idols in high places. Cause me to place my hope and future in Your loving hands."

It was no coincidence that I was studying the book of Isaiah in Bible Study Fellowship.

In December, Brad began tweaking his resume, filling out the EFCA's ministry match, and looking for potential ministry jobs. During that time, we received another blow.

Our elders were having to make some very difficult decisions concerning our church budget. We had not been meeting budget and they were proposing cutting two staff positions. One of which being the youth director position.

Please know that we had decided since September that Brad did not want to stay in the youth director position...that he felt he had outgrown it and didn't want to serve under another youth pastor. We felt very strongly that since he was not going to be the next lead youth pastor that our time at Lakewood would be ending.

But, we are human, and knowing that there wasn't even a chance for Brad to remain on staff was very difficult for us. Plus there were many people who didn't even know that Brad had applied and was not going to be considered further for the position OR that his previous job was going to be cut. And even though we had been processing it all along the way, as new people learned about these circumstances, we had to process and grieve with each of them...all the while trying not to fall back into a crazy cycle of anger, resentment or bitterness.

From my Sabbath journal, January 8, 2011:

Taken from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study:

"The key to peace is authority. When we allow the Prince of Peace to govern our lives peace either immediately or ultimately results. Peace always accompanies authority. Peace comes in situations completely surrendered to the sovereign authority of Christ. Sometimes when we finally give up trying to discover all the answers to the "why's" in our lives and decide to trust a Sovereign God, unexpected peace washes over us like summer rain."

In my weekly extended times with God, He kept pointing me back to Him and away from the crazy circumstances of my life.

From my Sabbath journal, January 21, 2011:

"It amazes me how personal You are God! You have planned for me to study what I have over the last 6-8 months in preparation for all this! I think of studying Job last summer....and then Isaiah this fall in BSF...and now Joseph and Hezekiah. What wonderful truth is found in the lives of these men! What a gift it is to learn from their lives!"

"What is truth? Truth is that Brad has great gifts. But the search committee doesn't believe they are the right fit for this position. And that's okay. They intended no harm...no malice...and did not sin against us. Could things have been handled better? Sure! But the outcome would have been the same. Lakewood has been a safe, comfortable and wonderful place to learn and grow. But it's time to move on. Brad has outgrown the director position and there is nothing else here for him. Plus it's time for me to let go of some idols and cling to God fully instead. There is not greater place to be than in the unknown...clinging to God's hand."

From that same day:

"I want you to be all Mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone-not in other people, not in circumstances." - taken from Jesus Calling

Oh, how good God was in the midst of this painful time!

One of the greatest gifts from God from this same day of quiet solitude with Him was Genesis 45. God had brought Brad just the week before to this text and he had shared it with me. It was NO accident that we both read this passage and felt complete peace over Brad's position being cut....just a few days before our church's congregational meeting...which Brad was going to be a focus.

Most people remember this verse concerning Joseph's life: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." - Genesis 50:20a. But what struck both of us were Joseph's words 5 chapters before, during his first meeting with his brothers.

"So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." - Genesis 45:8

It was at that moment...upon reading those words...that any bitterness or anger or frustration melted away for both of us. Whatever we were holding onto, we released because NO ONE...no search committee member, no elder, no pastor, NO ONE on this earth decided these things. God did. If we were going to hold onto those feelings, we needed to direct them towards our Sovereign God. And both of us realized we had to let go. Just days before a great number of people were going to learn about what had transpired...and just in time for us to honestly be able to answer them with:

"It's really okay."

And it really was.

to be continued...

God's great plan...part 1.

I have been meaning to write this.

For several months, it has been rolling around in my mind. As the rest of my family sleeps, it seems to be the right time to put it all down on paper.

It's been a journey, a really hard one at times. I think back to about 8 years ago when a mom of one of my students said to me...after I poured out my heart to her about longing for a ministry job for my husband..."Jenny, it's all about the journey and NOT about arriving at the next season of your life."

That statement has stuck with me and has allowed me to let go of a lot of things I otherwise wouldn't have.

It was a "crossroads" time for Brad and I...then and now.

I wish I could write about what God did at this exact time 7 years ago as He lead and confirmed our calling to Lakewood. I hope to someday. Brad and I have always meant to write it all out....as a testimony of God's incredible faithfulness and love. Our counselor last week assigned it as summer "homework" for us. Like any good student, I feel compelled now to actually finish it! Maybe it will even make its way to this blog...

But this post is about what God has been doing these last 2 years. We have had many friends and family who have walked these last 9 difficult months or so with us, but the truth is that we have seen God's hand at work not just over the last year or so, but distinctly for about 2 years.

Again, much of this has been rolling around in my head, so please bear with me.

I remember many conversation during the summer of 2009 when Brad began feeling like he was wanting to have more ownership in our youth ministry....that he was feeling like he wanted to lead more....that he had outgrown his "director" position. We didn't know what to do about these feelings. Should he begin looking for another ministry position where he could be the lead youth pastor? What was Lakewood's plan for the director position? Should Brad move on to provide an opportunity for another youth pastor to learn and grow as he had? What was this bit of restlessness? At that time, we didn't know, but we now look back and see it as God's grace as He began to prepare us for these last 2 years.

The fall of 2009 came and went and we didn't feel any direction from God to change anything about Brad's job. Then in December, Brad met with some of our pastors and church elders and was offered a "promotion" to associate junior high pastor. We spent a week or two praying and talking about this change in position and eagerly accepted it. Junior high students have always been my "natural bent." I taught 7-9th graders for 6 years, and I have always loved that age. This seemed like a very natural progression for Brad, and it seemed to answer those feelings of restlessness we had felt months before.

Then, this "promotion" was put on hold. Brad's change in position needed to go through the proper channels and there were some potential staff changes that needed to be resolved first. In February of 2010 we learned that Brad wasn't going to be taking over the junior high position, but instead was going to be the interim youth pastor...for the second time.

FYI: Brad had originally been hired under one youth pastor in 2004...worked with him for 2 years...was the interim youth pastor for about a year until a second youth pastor was hired in 2007...worked with him for 3 years and was now the interim for a second time.

Everyone with me so far?

Good!

*deep breath*

So, almost exactly a year ago Brad took over as the interim youth pastor. He spent last summer recruiting new volunteers, preparing for fall programming, processing potential changes to our Wednesday night youth group, doing some "damage control", and leading mission trips.

Oh, and we had just had our 3rd child.

It was quite a summer.

We knew that as the youth pastor search committee was being formed, that they were going to ask Brad if he was going to apply for the lead position. Brad had been asked 4 years earlier after the first youth pastor left the same question. He felt very strongly then that he shouldn't apply.

This time was different.

Because the summer was so busy for Brad...both with his new duties as lead youth pastor AND as a father of 3, we really didn't spend much time thinking about whether he was going to turn in his resume. It wasn't until he was given a deadline of August 31 that we began thinking and praying during our weekly Sabbaths about whether this was what God was leading us to do.

As I look back on my Sabbath journal from that time, I'm reminded that neither one of us had a clear calling from God that this was Brad's next job. We did not feel it was right NOT to apply, but we did NOT feel that it was the next job for Brad. Here's some of what I wrote from my August 20, 2010 Sabbath journal:

"Brad is capable and fully qualified to do this job. I feel like God has us here for this very reason. He will lead us...even though we don't fully hear Him right now specifically, He will not hide His Will from us. God has been preparing BOTH of us for such a transition. This seems to be a natural progression for Brad. But it's odd. I know for sure that Brad should apply, but I'm not sure this job or another one is right for him. I pray that the search committee with walk through this process with us so that God's Will will be done."

Also from that same day, some reading from Jesus Calling: "Do not give in to fear or worry, those ROBBERS of abundant life. Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them... Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfector of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them..."

Little did we know that the next few weeks would be some of the hardest of our married life...but also that God had been preparing us for it as well.

From my Sabbath journal on August 27, 2010:

"I don't know what you have for us...but I am excited for it. We desire to go where you lead, despite my desire to stay here (Lakewood) because of what you have given us in this place. Continue to soften our hearts towards Your leading."

from later on that same day:

"I need protection...protection over my heart concerning what may happen with Brad's job...protection over hurts or fears or anxieties..."

and from a few paragraphs later that same day:

"Either I believe YOU are Sovereign or I don't! Today I choose to believe that You are! I will choose to live one day at a time. To enjoy this Sabbath...to rest in You...to not get ahead of myself..."

Brad did officially apply on August 28, 2010. He was told the following Monday that the search committee had decided not to pursue him further for the position.

to be continued...

Happy birthday Hannah!

Almost a month ago, my baby girl turned one.

I tried hard to pretend it was going to happen.

It must have worked...

About a week before her birthday, we realized we should probably plan a little party for her.

It's called "the third child syndrome" people...and even though I don't have a medical degree, I have a year's worth of evidence for its existence.

So even though some of our friends weren't able to join us...sickness kept most of them away...we did have a couple little friends who were able to celebrate this special day with us. They brought one of Hannah's favorite gifts: a baby doll with eyes that open and close. She has been fascinated with it and calls it "baby" all the time!

Just in case you can't read this adorable onsie, it says, "Pretty like Mommy." Melanie, who sent this in the mail, won major brownie points from Hannah's mommy with this gift!

I decided a few years ago, after become quite jealous impressed with some other friend's amazing and creative ideas for their children's birthday parties, that I wanted to do something special for my children's birthday celebrations. So, after being taught how to decorate a cake during one of my MOPS classes (by one of our 14 year old students...who put us ALL to shame with her incredible skills), I decided making fun cakes was going to be one birthday tradition I wanted to repeat every year.

Hannah seemed to enjoy it!

Happy late birthday Baby Cakes! You are such a joy to us! You light up the room with your smile and laughter! You make my heart melt every time you say "mama"! You are truly a blessing, and I'm so grateful God brought you into our lives!