The Gift of Endurance

I often read articles from Desiring God. Brad and I have a special connection to it because of his time studying at Bethlehem Seminary and because we know many of its writers. I have learned so much from these men and women, and this website has been such a blessing to me and so many others. 

After reading this article on Sunday, I just haven't been able to get it off my mind. It was both convicting and encouraging. It opened my eyes to God's goodness and discipline and His beautiful gift of endurance that I had forgotten. It has been a timely reassurance to my discouraged heart. 

Brad and I are at crossroads. We see God's hand at work and His good leading and are both willing and excited to see where He leads. But yet, I find myself anxious and scared. I feel like the many difficulties of the last several years have made me weary and weakened my faith.

I realized today, as I've had extra time to pour over God's Word, that the trials over the last couple of years has really been God's good work in me to build endurance. And sadly, I feel that I haven't learned it very well. 

Endurance is the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. It is one of God's good gifts to us. And it is something that can only be learned through pain and hardships. 

I feel, especially this past year, that I've been simply surviving and not thriving. In addition to all the Covid restrictions, there has been homeschooling four children, our kids' extra curricular activities, and changes in Brad's current job. I've also had some deep, personal struggles that have been difficult for me to deal with that I'm just now beginning to share. 

But what's been so convicting for me today is that I KNOW where I should be placing my hope, and I haven't been doing it. I haven't been preaching the Gospel to myself every day like I should be. I have not been living out Hebrews 10:23.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." 

In my discouragement, I fear that I have "thrown away my confidence, which has a great reward." (Hebrews 10:35) 

And I certainly don't want to be one who is overcome with disbelief. "But my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him." (Hebrews 10:38)

It has been so good for me today to have my eyes opened again to the fact that God doesn't waste any hurt or disappointment or pain. He is and will use it to wake us up to our unbelief or to grow our endurance and faith. He is constantly at work to make us look more like His Son. 

We are so blessed that we can "look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2) And we can appreciate and even be glad when we find ourselves in a season of discouragement. "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:7)

We have a good God who cares for even the smallest of details in our life. We can trust that all things happen for our good and for His glory. And even when the days and months and years are long, He is growing endurance in us, if we only would have eyes to see it. 

It's okay to grieve

    I had a conversation with a dear friend this week that started much like most of my typical conversations with family or friends. It began with "catching up" and asking how each of us were doing. And when I gave the update on how I was, it began the same way as it always has these last many months...with a heavy sigh and then a list of struggles, anxieties, worries, hardships, and disappointments. Then quickly after my "venting," I immediately, like always, felt convicted and began to list the many, many blessings that God has showered on me and our family these last difficult months as well.     

    My friend listened graciously and then asked me what I was hoping to receive from her. Was I looking for someone to remind me of God's good plan for my life and remind me of what I knew to be true about His Word? Or was I looking for someone to join me in my despair and agree with me that, yes, it has been very hard? I told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted from her. She paused...and then I went off again about how I hated being a grumbler and complainer and that God has been so kind and merciful and that I shouldn't be complaining and what is wrong with me and so on...until she politely interrupted me. 

    She asked me to listen for a few minutes and began telling me that my issue wasn't that I was complaining about where God has us right now OR that I'm doing a good job at fighting for joy and being thankful in all circumstances. 

    The issue was that I wasn't allowing myself to really grieve the hardships and disappointments of these last several months...and potentially even the last couple of years. 

    I have been so busy trying to figure out where God is leading and what He's doing and what I should be learning while also trying to focus on the things that I can be grateful for in the midst of this difficult season, that I haven't given myself the permission and freedom to grieve all the material things, hopes, longings, dreams, and expectations that I have lost. 

    I may have briefly grieved a few things, but I've never laid out all the pain and disappointments and unmet expectations at the feet of my Savior. I've kept much of it bottled up and focused instead on how to make lemonade with the lemons that God has provided instead of crying out to God about how hard it has been to only have lemons for what seems like several years.

    And because I haven't dealt fully with the hurt, any time I'm reminded about what has been lost, I get angry and complain and then quickly re-focus on God's blessings and stuff the hurt. 

    I can see clearly now that it's been a destructive cycle in my life. My emotions have been unsteady and have simply been reactions to either the good or bad circumstances. I never know how I'm going to react...it depends on the circumstances of the day. I've haven't been as authentic as I usually am with those around me. And I've told many, many people that I'm doing fine. 

    The truth is...these last several years have been the hardest of my life. 

    Moving from Minnesota to Iowa was very, very difficult for our kids and for Brad and me.  Living 4 hours farther from family and lifelong friends was much, much harder than we ever imagined. Dealing with Brad's brush with death and lengthy hospital stay and on-going oncology appointments has given me PTSD type symptoms that I've been trying to manage on my own. Resigning from and leaving a church we loved still hurts almost daily. Interviewing and candidating at 6+ churches in the last 14 months has been emotionally grueling. Selling our house in a great neighborhood and then having a ministry opportunity fall through broke my heart. Shepherding my kids through church interviews, moving, changes in schooling, and their many questions has taken so much of my energy. Renting a smaller house while watching my husband hang drywall instead of using the gifts God has given him to pastor a church is heartbreaking.

    It has been and has continued to be very, very hard. 

     So what am I to do? I am usually a very positive person. My faith is strong. But one of my faults is that I'm so eager to help people that I sometimes move too quickly past their grief to get to the healing on the other side. I don't always sit long enough with them in their pain, and I too quickly point them to God's Word when they need someone just to be by their side. 

    So I need to be quiet. I need to name and write out my hurts and disappointments. I need to not rush to figure out what God is doing. I need to cry out to God like the Israelites did in Exodus 2.

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew."

     I also need to let myself feel grief.  I know now that I can cry out to God in a way that isn't in anger towards him. I can be honest with what I'm feeling, just like David was in Psalm 6:

 "O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
    nor discipline me in your wrath. 

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled.
    But you, O Lord—how long?

Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
    save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

For in death there is no remembrance of you;
    in Sheol who will give you praise?

I am weary with my moaning;
    every night I flood my bed with tears;
    I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;
    it grows weak because of all my foes.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
    for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my plea;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.

All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
    they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment."

  So today, I will grieve, really grieve, and lay all my fears, anxieties, questions, hopes, and earthly possessions at the feet of the cross. And once I cry all my tears, whenever that will be, I hope to land softly in the bed of God's many comforting promises like...

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

- Philippians 1:6

and

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." 

- Romans 8:28  

A Parallel Life

Another day, another blood draw, another oncology appointment...

another life lesson to be learned.

Brad has often said to me, "This is the craziest life I've ever known."

Most days I just smile and shake my head at him. 

But today, I agree with him fully!

We are so grateful for God's sweet mercy! Brad's white blood count slightly increased from 2.1 to 2.4 and his neutrophils increased from .8 to 1.2. 

So he's out of the danger zone again, and he can say good-bye to his mask!

Wearing a medical mask in 95 degree weather is no fun AT ALL people!

Because his numbers have increased instead of decrease, we can also wait another 2 weeks until his next blood draw. And continue to pray that his bone marrow finally figures out how to produce more white blood cells.

In the meanwhile, Brad will do his best to rest and take care of his body, and I will do my best to keep him doing just that. 

As we were driving from the hospital, I could not help but think about how this cancer journey parallels a Christian life. The similarities suddenly struck me today.

We have made summer plans, but we know that Brad's numbers will determine whether we're able to fulfill and live out those plans. Each week we may have to adjust our lives in light of a blood draw or chemotherapy treatment or new symptoms of a possible infection.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." 

 - Proverbs 16:9

I am so much more aware at this moment, more than I've ever been in my life, that my life is not my own and the Lord will lead and do as he wills. He establishes our steps. I make plans, but the Lord is in control of all things.

And all will be for our good and his glory. 

My mantra has become...

“...if the Lord wills...” - James 4:15

 
So, we continue to try and live a (new) normal life...we make plans, but hold onto them loosely. 

Not only am I learning to use the phrase, "Lord willing," more and to guard my heart if summer plans have to be altered or changed, but I'm also learning how to be content with just knowing the very next step in Brad's medical journey.  

Brad and I were eager to talk at his appointment yesterday about whether he can still direct our church's VBS in 2 weeks or if we can go on our Aust family vacation in late July. 

But our oncologist doesn't know. 

We don't know. 

Nobody but God knows. 

We just have to be content with taking it one step at a time. 

God is giving us just enough light to see the next step on our path. He's encouraged our hearts by increasing Brad's numbers this week, but the final answer for VBS will be given on June 21, at Brad's next blood draw. Right now we can't see that step.

 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." -Psalm 119:105

One step at a time.  

That's pretty hard for the 6 month planner in me...

But it's good. 

So good for me. 

Whatever control I thought I had concerning Brad's health and recovery, I realize I don't. 

But I trust the One who does know. The One who lovingly leads and guides us each day. The One who is control of all things.

Life with cancer

As Brad and I were waiting to see his oncologist last Thursday morning, I was jotting down some questions I wanted to ask. My biggest questions were...

"Once his numbers are all within the normal range, how do we know his leukemia is dormant/gone/in remission? Will a blood test be the only way we will know for sure? Will signs of infection be our only clues that the leukemia is back?"

But, I wasn't able to ask those questions because his white blood count had dropped from 2.54 down to 2.1 (4-11 is normal) and his neutrophils had dropped from 1.48 down to .8 (2-8 is normal and below 1 makes him highly susceptible to infection) in just 4 and a half weeks.

The upward trend in Brad's numbers in April had given us hope that this medical journey might be coming to an end. 

But, as the Lord has seen fit, it hasn't. 

So, we have a short term plan in place. Wait for a week just to rule out that a virus wasn't the culprit of his low numbers...we had been living life normally, with visits from out of state family and friends, day trips to Pella, IA, and LOTS of neighbor kids running through our house. If his numbers are still low on Friday, the next step will be to do another bone marrow biopsy. 

And as I've been told since the beginning of March, the answers are often found in the bone marrow. 

After we get a pathology report from that, Brad's oncologist will be able to make a plan for what's next.   

So, unfortunately, we're back in the "waiting room".

Many of you have texted and called and reached out to us with prayers and words of encouragement. 

Thank you! 

So, how are we doing?

Overall, we're doing okay. I'm not going to lie...Thursday was a really, really hard day. But Friday morning, Brad and I were both up early, and we refocused and made plans for the new day. 

Last Friday was our kiddos' last day of school, and we decided to spend the day celebrating the completion of another school year! 

We started the festivities with a some pizza at a park.

 Then the kids rode the carousel at Union Park...it's only 50 cents per ride!

 



















The kids went swimming and played on the beach at Gray's Lake.





















And Brad and I got to relax a little in the shade. He always tells me to tell people that he's smiling under his mask!

Then we dropped off Sammy at Hidden Acres camp on Sunday afternoon. 

When Sammy first saw Brad with his mask back on last Thursday, she quickly stated without any hesitation, "I'm not going to camp. I need to be here in case something happens." As the oldest, she has carried a lot of the weight of family life at home in March and April. 

But no, sweet girl, you are headed to camp! You need to have a week to be a kid and not worry or be anxious about what may lie ahead.

As Brad continues to work from both home and church, preparing for his sermon on Sunday and VBS in a couple of weeks, the younger 3 kids and I have been busy with basketball camp, trips to parks, and some hot afternoons at the pool. 



 






















 
It's crazy how life continues to go on every day. There are moments where I only think about Brad's cancer and other moments when I'm busy doing things around the house or am out and about with the kids that I forget about the black cloud of cancer that hangs over our family. 

It's a strange, new normal. And it's something I'm sure our family shares now with many, many other cancer families out there. 

So, while we're in this waiting room and preparing for, perhaps, another round of chemotherapy and then a 4-6 week recovery, we work on house projects, spend time together, and make adjustments to plans in light of Brad's compromised immune system. 

I feel compelled, as long as we are on this journey, to not waste what God has for us in this battle against leukemia. If I believe, and I do believe, that God doesn't allow anything to touch us except what has been filtered through his loving hands, then there is good to be found in this. 

So, we place our hope in God, savor each new day, and live life in a way that makes much of the name of Christ.

Two months...

Several years ago as I was reading through the Old Testament, I was struck by how many times these phrases were used...

remember

and 

do not forget

and 

when your children ask you

and 

as a memorial

All those phrases were coupled with places, times, locations in which God rescued, saved or restored his people, the Israelites. God was very specific. And he was very serious about this. He wanted his people to remember the great work that he had done in their midst AND to tell future generations about that great work. 

I am forgetful. My children are forgetful. We as a society forget things that just happened the day before. 

It's easy to forget.

But it's important that we don't. 

Why?

Because memories are important. 

They are powerful. 

They help us make choices in the present and help us from making the same mistakes in the future. Memories can make you smile or bring you to tears. 

Memories are one of the main reasons I love to scrapbook. The power and importance of memories is why I assigned Sammy to read The Giver this year for school.  

Most importantly, memories help us remember what God has done and grow our faith to continue to believe in him and his promises in his Word when the next crisis comes.

It is good for us to remember...even the hard memories. 

Dates, anniversaries, months, years, milestones are significant. Reflecting and remembering those days are very, very important to me. And our family hit one of those significant anniversaries on Monday, May 28. 

Two months. 

Two months since Brad was discharged from the hospital after spending 28 days fighting for his life against Legionaries Disease and Hairy Cell Leukemia. 

Two months of good days and bad days. Two months of healing. Two months of exhaustion and gratefulness. Two months of adjusting to our "new normal." 

Today....well, today Brad feels great. He's felt really good the last 3 weeks or so. 

And just like that...the one thing we prayed for...

normal life again

  

has, in some ways, been granted.  

Last night, as part of family devotions, we talked about what life was like 3 months ago...when Brad first got sick. 

Surprisingly, it was hard for our younger 2 kids to really remember what that was like...

Daddy, very sick in the hospital and Mommy, away from the family and caring and advocating for Daddy all day, every day. 

So we added another "stone" to our "stones of remembrance."

God spared Daddy's life.

Because I don't want them to forget the miracle that God did in their midst. I don't want to forget how God answered hundreds of people's prayers. And I want to remember how God was near to our family. 

Especially today as we prepare for another blood draw and oncology appointment tomorrow.

Remember...remember...remember...

"And when in time to come your son asks you, "what does this mean?" you shall say to him, "By a strong hand the LORD brought us out of Egypt, from the house of slavery." -Exodus 13:14

 "Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children--" -Deut. 4:9

"And he said to the people of Israel, "When your children ask their fathers in times to come, 'What do these stones mean?' then you shall let your children know, Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground." -Joshua 4:21-22

 

A new creation

I am a firm believer that God is writing each of my kiddo's story.  Nothing that has happened to them since before they were born has been a result of chance.

I believe that He uses life changes, easy and difficult circumstances, and even decisions that Brad and I make to grow them into the people He wants them to be.  Everything shapes them...from how Brad and I parent them to how they are treated by other kids at school to what interests they have and even whether they are tall or short or can make a jump shot.

Even though I know this in my head, and hold tightly to verses such as Isaiah 40:11 to remind my mama's heart:

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

It's one thing to know it in my head, it's another to trust God with it in my heart and actually do it each day.

If you were to ask me last January what the hardest thing about our move from Minnesota to Iowa was, I would have said, "shepherding my kids, especially Sammy through the first several weeks of our transition."

I won't share all the details about her struggle here...I do believe it's her story to tell and not mine...but I will share a few of the joys that came as a result of those struggles.  

First, for the first time in her life, she decided, on her own, to read the Bible every day and in one year. Our senior pastor challenged everyone in our church to do the Bible Project on January 1, and Sammy immediately asked if we could download the app on our phones.  It was amazing to watch her as she discovered for herself the riches of the Word of God and how all 66 books fit together to show a beautiful story of God redeeming His children!

Second, we had a front row seat at watching a young girl, who had been told her entire life that God is good, and He is faithful, and He is sovereign, and that everything happens for our good and His glory...wrestle with and decide for herself if that was the truth or not. Brad and I could see daily her internal struggle with trying to reconcile between a good God and a God who seemed to have taken everything away from her.

And last, all of this led her to repent of her sins and call upon the name of Jesus to save her! 

On July 23, at our church's outdoor service...
 

 Sammy briefly shared her testimony...

 

(I love this picture of me holding Josiah, reveling in the goodness of God and His work in Sammy's life!)

...and was baptized!

We weren't sure at first whether Brad was going to find somewhere safe enough to baptize her...we weren't able to reserve the swimming beach area at Lake Ahquabi for our church service and where we were was more of a fishing area. But Sammy had her heart SET on being baptized in a lake.  A blow up pool at church just wasn't going to cut it for her.  She was a Minnesotan at heart, and she wasn't going to settle for any other place than a lake!

I LOVE this last picture!  I love the look on Brad's face and the joy on Sammy's!  

I'm grateful for Sammy's testimony of God's goodness, and that God saw fit....almost 12 years ago... to allow us to be her parents!

A time to reflect...part 2

What is the antidote to discouragement?

Change of circumstances?

Getting what you want?

More coffee? (This was a close runner-up! I DO love my coffee!)

No.

As I've been thinking and chewing on a few thoughts this past weekend about discouragement, I first landed on gratitude and the practice of being thankful.  I certainly had an overflowing, thankful heart as I was reflecting on pictures from this past summer, and they unquestionably encouraged me and lifted my spirit.

But there was something more...something more beyond the pictures and memories and the gift of friends and fun places and new adventures.

These people (my children and friends and family) are all gifts. The adventures and exploration are all gifts. Even the sadness and dissatisfaction and heartache are gifts.

But if my focus is solely on the gifts, I lose sight of the Giver of those good gifts.

Nothing that has happened this past year has been by my hand. God has ordained our move to Iowa, the sale of our house in Minneapolis, the purchase of our new home in Indianola, where our kids went to school (last year AND this year), the people we've come into contact with, and so many more things!

I may have been the "party planner" for my family this summer (you should have seen the enormous 4 month calendar I had on my wall chalked FULL of our fun summer plans...some of you have and can attest to this!) but God has been our Guide, our Light, our Good Shepherd.

He has been good. He has been faithful. His love has been constant.

And while His good gifts are very, very good...they are nothing next to knowing and savoring and being satisfied in Him.

Jesus is the antidote to discouragement.

His good gifts are just bonus.

And there may be seasons of fewer good gifts from God. When heartache and pain and despair are more prevalent than laughter and joy. 

In those times, I hope I will remember one of my favorite John Piper's quotes:

"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them."

So, heart, press on.  Look deeply into the face of the Giver of all good gifts and know...

"that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." --Ephesians 3:16-19

A time to reflect...part 1.

I am an extreme extrovert.  I yearn for time interacting with people. I like having a calendar filled with outings and adventures with family and friends.

But I also really love quiet times to reflect upon my life...times to celebrate the changes/growth I see in my kids and the house projects that have been completed....and also time to reflect on things I've been misprioritizing and look head on at the same sins that seem to creep back to the surface.

Reflection is healthy and needed for so many reasons, and I have realized that I haven't been doing as much reflection as I really need to do these last 6 months.

There's a sign that hangs outside a professor's office at Simpson College, where Sammy takes viola lessons.  My productive side loves it and embraces it fully.  My procrastinate side likes to ignore and disregard it.  The sign says:

"If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not, you will find an excuse." 

Ouch!  I seem to be finding all sorts of time to do things that really don't rate as "truly important" in my life.  If quiet reflection is genuinely important to me,  I need to stop making excuses for why I haven't practiced it well.

Life has been full this spring and summer.  Full of really wonderful things!  But...as one thing finished, another one seemed to fill its place.  And so, many months have gone by without a lot of reflection, without a grateful heart for God's continued faithfulness or a pause to honor wonderful accomplishments or celebrations.

Last week I felt compelled to write some letters (actual, hand written letters...remember those?) to a few people that God has brought to my mind. In some of those letters, I included some photographs.

Photographs are a beautiful way to see a moment frozen in time. They remind us of wonderful times. Even of times that were difficult.  For me, as I looked through our 2017 photos recently, they reminded me of how far God has brought our family as we approach the one year mark of being in Indianola. Today is actually ONE YEAR that Brad began working at Grace E Free Church, and I feel compelled to give thanks for God's faithfulness.

So, even though I have lesson plans to finish for Sammy this week, meal planning to do, and a few mounds of clean laundry to fold, I find myself drawn to reflect and share God's work in our lives.

One thing I'm super thankful for is that I get to stay at home full time. I love being at home...learning more each day about how to run a household better, pouring into my older kids, and hanging out with this great, little guy each day.

And OH how my heart fills with joy when I think about the sweet friends God has provided for my kids at church and in our neighborhood.  When Hannah's birthday rolled around in April, she told me she didn't know who to invite because "all" of her friends were in Minnesota. We talked some more and we came up with a fun birthday celebration with her sweet friend from church.  Hannah said it was one of her best birthdays yet!

I'm so grateful for the friends God has given my kids.  These two next pictures may seem pretty normal and generic, but they make me want to cry every time I see them. 

Sammy would NEVER have survived this last year without her best friend, Maggie.  I am so, so, so thankful for Maggie and her family!




And this picture of Caleb playing basketball with some friends...this is what I prayed for him when we moved...a neighborhood filled with boys to shoot hoops with and ride around on bikes.  What a gift!

I'm thankful for Grace E Free! This was our Easter picture....aren't we cute?

And if you EVER visit Iowa, make sure to stop in Pella for the Tulip Festival.  We went there in early May, and it was worth the drive and worth the crowds.  The flowers were AMAZING, the town was very friendly, and OH MAN the bakeries and meat shops! The Dutch letters are delicious! 

Shortly after we visited Pella, my uncle Paul passed away.  Josiah and I drove to Bismarck so we could attend his funeral. It was a difficult time....my dad deeply loved his brother Paul, and I had such great respect for him.  I did get to see most of my dad's siblings and spouses, and that was a blessing.

My dad with his brothers Gerry and Mark and little sister, Agnes. 

A few of their spouses were able to be there as well.

Just three days after I got home, Brad and I loaded the kiddos into the van and headed back up to Bismarck to celebrate my 3 nieces' graduation.  It was a joy to celebrate with them...and oh how I love my Beth!!! 

When I look back at our June pictures, I remember all the house projects we got done....thanks Dan for lending a hand with our new shelves in our garage!

 


And the short, but very sweet weekend we had in early June when Beth and my parents drove down for Hannah's dance recital. 

Somebody was made to be a little dancer! 

Today, there is MUCH to be thankful for!  A full year of Brad's job at Grace...friends for my kids... much, much milder weather than Minnesota....and a few quiet minutes to reflect as Josiah plays quietly.

I feel like I've been in a bit of a slump the last several weeks, and I'm grateful for pictures that remind me of God's good gifts and a summer exploring a new place, making new friends and new memories.  There are still hard days when unmet expectations reek havoc with my emotions, but I'm getting better at looking closely at my emotions and aligning them with Scripture and with what I know to be true of God's character.

And for that reason, today I CHOOSE JOY!

Our new life in Iowa...inner musings and what we've been up to!

One week from today will mark our 4th month anniversary of living in Indianola, IA.  I have been reflecting MUCH about these last several months, but I never seem to find any extra hours in the day to write my thoughts down. 

But today, my family has given me the "day off" for my birthday, and I have been exploring Des Moines, eating LOTS of free food and having my free Caribou and Starbucks, and shopping for several items we still need for our new house....

like curtain rods and room darkening curtains for the kids' bedrooms...there's a certain little boy who thinks that anytime after 6:00 am is a fine time to wake up....

"the sun is awake, Mommy!" 

"Yes, but Mommy isn't, sweet child!"

And yes, Josiah is still the cutest little 2 year old around!  

It has been a wonderful, hard, sweet, lonely, and exciting last few months.  I think it was especially hard because the kids had to change schools mid-year, one week before Thanksgiving.  The holidays are usually such a sweet time for our family, but with each new day, there seemed to be something that was hard for at least one of us....missing some of the great Advent activities we did every Christmas in the Twin Cities or missing being able to walk next door and hang out with our neighbors or missing places that were familiar.  

But sprinkled between those hard, first few days and weeks were things that gave us hope....enjoying an evening with other church families at the "Rockin' Around the Square," finding a dance studio for Hannah to take a dance and acrobatic class, meeting other young moms in town and having play dates.  We often were sad about the people, places and things that we missed about Minneapolis, but were so blessed and grateful when we learned of new places to explore and made deeper relationships with friends here.

As I look back now, those early days were filled with more sadness than joy. I liken it to the feelings of grief.  After suffering a great loss, sadness is always hanging right in front of you.  It's all you can see.  Everything else...beauty, joy, gladness...is foggy and in the background.  But, eventually, as time passes and our hearts heal, the sadness fades and you can fully see the beauty again.

I feel like that's how it's been.  Gradually, almost with each new day, the sadness of leaving sweet friends, family, and favorite places has began to diminish and joy has become the reigning emotion.

It's been a hard, but beautiful thing to have walked through this with my each of my kids and reflect on it with Brad as individuals and as a couple. God has done MUCH in tearing down idols of familiarity and comfort for all 6 of us, and He has given us more of Himself in the process.  Very little of our new house, neighborhood, town, church, school has been "just like" those same things in Minneapolis.  It's been difficult shepherding our kids (and shepherding my own heart) through it, but God continually shows us that this is exactly where we are supposed to be. And that has truly put so much joy in our hearts!

So, what have we been up to?

 Well, I'm glad you asked!

We have been enjoying our new home!






We have been integrating into the life of our new, sweet church.

We packed shoe boxes with our church just 2 days after we moved.

We've been exploring our town library and participating in free Monday afternoon Lego building classes and other craft and engineering classes.

We got a membership to the Des Moines Science Center....

There are several great rooms filled with toddler friendly activities for Josiah and fun engineering activities for my "always building and creating something that move or flies or does something cool" Caleb.

 

And we also got a membership to the Blank Park Zoo....

We've also been able to make a couple quick trips back to the Minneapolis area to see friends from the kids' old school, visit neighbors, and see family in Wisconsin.

Some extra sweet things have been 1) the father/daughter dance at our parks & rec....

...I totally did Hannah's hair, and my girls were SO impressed!

2) My amazing granite countertops and island that held an insane amount of Christmas cookies!

3) Sweet friends for my kids! (And a wonderful violist from the Des Moines Symphony Orchestra who gives Sammy private lessons.)

4) A 11 hour, one way visit from my parents in January.  They drove through mountains of snow to watch our kiddos so Brad and I could go to a pastor's and wives conference.

5) A parks & rec basketball league for Caleb.  This kid LOVES basketball just like his mama!

 

 6) Sweet dinners, game nights, movie nights and a super bowl party with some pretty cool families from our church.  These meals, fellowship, and fun have been some of my favorite times so far!

Overall, we really are loving our new life in Iowa.  We love the fact that we can get pretty much anywhere in 5 minutes.  We don't miss the traffic AT ALL!!!  We love the slower pace of life.  We love our new church and the wonderful families that God has placed there.  Brad's really enjoying his position, and it really is a good fit for his passions and skills. The kids have slowly adjusted to their new school and have made some new friends.  I LOVE the women that God has given to me here.  I don't know what I'd do without them as I've missed my seminary wives and dear college friends so much! I love our new house (though I miss my laundry chute and large storage room A LOT!). And as our neighbors are slowly coming out of their houses and interacting more with us, I am hopeful that we can build some relationships with the families around us.  

Last Saturday night, as we sat around the bonfire at a neighbor's house eating smores, I thought of that little song...."make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." God has been gracious to give me, an extreme extrovert and type A personality, wonderful friends and activities in Minneapolis AND here in Indianola.  

And today, on my 40th birthday, I am so grateful for my dear friends here and there, our sweet church, and the promise I have that Christ has gone before us, has been with us every step of the way, has equipped us to serve His church here, and has provided ALL that we have needed.  

^"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,  that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:14-21