Why is change so hard? Why do we kick and scream when it happens? Why are we so resistant? Don't we know that make HUNDREDS of choices every day and with each of those, change occurs...either in very small and gradual ways or in a DRAMATIC way?
Regardless of how it happens, change is something we can't avoid. And no matter how old we become, I'm not sure if it gets any easier.
A few weeks ago, the leadership in my church announced that this would be the last year that Lakewood would be a charter for our MOPS group. Instead of MOPS, our church was going to transition into a more Titus 2 ministry. (A more authentic and purposeful ministry in which the older women teach, train and mentor the younger women.) It was an abrupt announcement, and it was met with A LOT of negative reactions. Many, many moms were VERY upset. I was one of them...until I met with the leadership later that day. And after hearing their hearts and how God had led them to this decision and as I saw how things had so beautifully come together, I embraced it with open arms.
But over the last week or two, more and more hurt feelings, resistance, and grumblings were going on. I pleaded with my friends to go and talk to our church's leadership, but many, to me, just wanted to complain. They wanted MOPS to continue. End of story.
I, TOO, want another church in our community to take over our MOPS charter and continue it this fall. MOPS is a GREAT ministry, and it has been something that has given me life and helped me survive these pre-school years. But as wonderful as MOPS is, there are times that I've felt it has been very shallow and surfacy. I have desired for it to go deeper. And I feel this Titus 2 ministry will do just that.
I think that everyone wants to find people to be real and authentic with. Many of us like staying where it's comfortable...smiling at one another...chatting about what diapers we use...sharing potty training techniques... But doesn't everyone, deep down inside, want something more?
I know I do.
I want to learn from other women who have already been in my shoes. I want to learn how to be a better mother and wife. I want someone committed to praying for me. I want to have my life be an open book for others to speak truth into or for others to learn from.
Most of all, when change comes, I want to embrace it. I don't want to run from it. It's still hard sometimes, but I know that God is sovereign and that I can trust Him with every change.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Florida or BUST!
In March we took a family vacation to Florida. We had wanted to go to Florida for some time now (since we had a niece we hadn’t met and FREE lodging while we were there), but we just never seemed to get around to doing it.
But this year we started to plan early, and actually did it! We left on March 10th (from a friend’s house in the Cities) and drove for 30 hours (through the night) to Orlando in our little Honda with 2 small children. Yup, we left the minivan (and all that extra room) at home and crammed everything into our little go-cart, I mean Civic. I wasn’t too keen on this idea either, especially since we BOUGHT our Odyssey because we wanted more space, but our Civic gets between 36-38 miles to the gallon and it saved us a TON. (We actually only spent about $200 in gas the ENTIRE 3,500 miles we dove there and back!) And I am also married to a master packer, and since he got everything to fit, I really couldn’t complain or put up a fight.
The kids actually did really well in the car. Sammy, at 3 ½, was the perfect little passenger. She took naps and went to sleep when she was supposed to, and as long as I had more colors, stickers, books or Dora videos, she was happy as a lark. Caleb, on the other hand, took to being confined in his car seat as sheer punishment. Praise God for relaxing ocean music at 3:00 a.m. and A LOT of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Chick-Fil-A play lands along the way. But in spite of the MANY fits, we had to give our little guy some grace. It would have been hard for me too, if I was used to sleeping on my tummy with my head smashed in the corner of my crib and NOW was being forced to sleep on my back locked in a car seat!
But once we got to Florida, the kids were GREAT! We all four slept in the same room for eight days, and had a GREAT time with family.
And you couldn’t beat the wonderful weather we had….around 75 degrees every day! Within an hour of getting to Brad’s brother’s house, Sammy was COMPLETELY filthy. We had dinner outside in the back yard, and Sammy couldn’t resist playing in the dirt. She actually said to me, “Mommy, they have DIRT here!” To which I said, “We have dirt in Minnesota too, it’s just buried under three feet of snow right now.”
Our Aust family vacations are known for being WAY too crazy and packed, but this one was just right. We spent a lot of time hanging out at the house and a local park/splash pad. We had a birthday party one night and went to see a model railroad. We got to see the space shuttle launch and hang out at Cocoa Beach. (Notice what you get when you cross a runny nose with one sand eating little boy!)
We spent a day at Sea World, and Sammy is STILL obsessed with Shamu…wonder where she gets that from! We hung out in the pool, and stayed up late almost every night talking and laughing.
It was truly a wonderful and completely relaxing time.
As I’ve organized the pictures and written down all that we had done, I’m still trying to figure out what was my favorite part of our trip. Was it the trip down and back…spending all that time listening to really good sermons and driving through seven states with Brad? Was it watching the girls have a “cousin” tea party?
Was it cooking with my sister-in-laws and spending some quality time with them? Was it spending only $404 on the ENTIRE trip? Was it the warmth of the sun and the beautiful weather? Was it watching Brad and his brothers be extremely silly and turn into teenagers again?
I think it’s probably all those things.
I know that I want to make family (and extended family) a priority. I want to spend time playing and relaxing together. I want to go on adventures. I want to figure out how to travel and vacation for CHEAP! I want to take a break from the stresses of life and full time ministry. I want to enjoy God’s nature and His many blessings. I want to make time to rest and play and laugh, and I want to do it with those I love.
But this year we started to plan early, and actually did it! We left on March 10th (from a friend’s house in the Cities) and drove for 30 hours (through the night) to Orlando in our little Honda with 2 small children. Yup, we left the minivan (and all that extra room) at home and crammed everything into our little go-cart, I mean Civic. I wasn’t too keen on this idea either, especially since we BOUGHT our Odyssey because we wanted more space, but our Civic gets between 36-38 miles to the gallon and it saved us a TON. (We actually only spent about $200 in gas the ENTIRE 3,500 miles we dove there and back!) And I am also married to a master packer, and since he got everything to fit, I really couldn’t complain or put up a fight.
The kids actually did really well in the car. Sammy, at 3 ½, was the perfect little passenger. She took naps and went to sleep when she was supposed to, and as long as I had more colors, stickers, books or Dora videos, she was happy as a lark. Caleb, on the other hand, took to being confined in his car seat as sheer punishment. Praise God for relaxing ocean music at 3:00 a.m. and A LOT of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Chick-Fil-A play lands along the way. But in spite of the MANY fits, we had to give our little guy some grace. It would have been hard for me too, if I was used to sleeping on my tummy with my head smashed in the corner of my crib and NOW was being forced to sleep on my back locked in a car seat!
But once we got to Florida, the kids were GREAT! We all four slept in the same room for eight days, and had a GREAT time with family.
And you couldn’t beat the wonderful weather we had….around 75 degrees every day! Within an hour of getting to Brad’s brother’s house, Sammy was COMPLETELY filthy. We had dinner outside in the back yard, and Sammy couldn’t resist playing in the dirt. She actually said to me, “Mommy, they have DIRT here!” To which I said, “We have dirt in Minnesota too, it’s just buried under three feet of snow right now.”
Our Aust family vacations are known for being WAY too crazy and packed, but this one was just right. We spent a lot of time hanging out at the house and a local park/splash pad. We had a birthday party one night and went to see a model railroad. We got to see the space shuttle launch and hang out at Cocoa Beach. (Notice what you get when you cross a runny nose with one sand eating little boy!)
We spent a day at Sea World, and Sammy is STILL obsessed with Shamu…wonder where she gets that from! We hung out in the pool, and stayed up late almost every night talking and laughing.
It was truly a wonderful and completely relaxing time.
As I’ve organized the pictures and written down all that we had done, I’m still trying to figure out what was my favorite part of our trip. Was it the trip down and back…spending all that time listening to really good sermons and driving through seven states with Brad? Was it watching the girls have a “cousin” tea party?
Was it cooking with my sister-in-laws and spending some quality time with them? Was it spending only $404 on the ENTIRE trip? Was it the warmth of the sun and the beautiful weather? Was it watching Brad and his brothers be extremely silly and turn into teenagers again?
I think it’s probably all those things.
I know that I want to make family (and extended family) a priority. I want to spend time playing and relaxing together. I want to go on adventures. I want to figure out how to travel and vacation for CHEAP! I want to take a break from the stresses of life and full time ministry. I want to enjoy God’s nature and His many blessings. I want to make time to rest and play and laugh, and I want to do it with those I love.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Self-examination
I have been free from (my personal) grad school worries for almost two weeks, but since I still had one more action research paper to edit for a member from my advisory group (did I mention it was 118 pages?), my new found freedom has ONLY been (realistically) since Wednesday.
Today, as I've thought about the last two weeks, I've realized it's been harder than I thought to adjust to a new routine and new normal. I've looked so forward to this time to be free from the pressure and stress of school, but I've SERIOUSLY lacked motivation and pretty much any drive to complete those many projects that have been put on hold the last two years.
This morning, during my Sabbath Rest, I really examined what my life has looked like the last couple of days. I've realized my priorities are GROSSLY out of whack. I have spent WAY too much time on the computer, and have neglected so many of my responsibilities and chores because I somehow think I "deserve" to be a slacker and be lazy.
Now, while I think I do need to celebrate and take a moment to enjoy being done, it should not be at the expense of my family....who have ALREADY given so much for me to complete this program over the last two years. The cost to Brad and my kids has been so great, yet I still find myself putting MY wants before theirs.
So I journaled today about what I WANT my priorities to be, and then made an HONEST list of what they have been lately. I'm ashamed to see Jenny at the top of the list.
Even after sin is exposed, dealt with and forgiven, it still sometimes has such a tight grip on our lives. I spent most of today feeling ashamed and wondering how I could be so neglectful of my family and responsibilities and so defiant against God's Word. But tonight I am drawn to Deuteronomy (which, by the way is my NEW favorite book of the Bible...that's right, my FAVORITE book!)
The Israelites have their toes on the edge of the Promised Land, and now God is speaking through Moses in his final sermon to the new generation concerning how they are to live their lives once they cross the Jordan. After a VERY heavy section on curses for disobedience and many future prophesies on how the Israelites will EVENTUALLY turn their backs on God and commit spiritual adultery, God doesn't stop there. In chapter 30, He tells them, "and when you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you...then the Lord your God will make you most prosperous in all the work of your hands and in the fruit of your womb...the Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous...
That's the great thing about our God. He's in the business of restoring and healing and reconciling. There is nothing He is unable to forgive.
So, with a new heart, a new plan, and a new set of priorities, I begin my new life, knowing that blessings AND abundant life will result from both my obedience and my gracious God.
Today, as I've thought about the last two weeks, I've realized it's been harder than I thought to adjust to a new routine and new normal. I've looked so forward to this time to be free from the pressure and stress of school, but I've SERIOUSLY lacked motivation and pretty much any drive to complete those many projects that have been put on hold the last two years.
This morning, during my Sabbath Rest, I really examined what my life has looked like the last couple of days. I've realized my priorities are GROSSLY out of whack. I have spent WAY too much time on the computer, and have neglected so many of my responsibilities and chores because I somehow think I "deserve" to be a slacker and be lazy.
Now, while I think I do need to celebrate and take a moment to enjoy being done, it should not be at the expense of my family....who have ALREADY given so much for me to complete this program over the last two years. The cost to Brad and my kids has been so great, yet I still find myself putting MY wants before theirs.
So I journaled today about what I WANT my priorities to be, and then made an HONEST list of what they have been lately. I'm ashamed to see Jenny at the top of the list.
Even after sin is exposed, dealt with and forgiven, it still sometimes has such a tight grip on our lives. I spent most of today feeling ashamed and wondering how I could be so neglectful of my family and responsibilities and so defiant against God's Word. But tonight I am drawn to Deuteronomy (which, by the way is my NEW favorite book of the Bible...that's right, my FAVORITE book!)
The Israelites have their toes on the edge of the Promised Land, and now God is speaking through Moses in his final sermon to the new generation concerning how they are to live their lives once they cross the Jordan. After a VERY heavy section on curses for disobedience and many future prophesies on how the Israelites will EVENTUALLY turn their backs on God and commit spiritual adultery, God doesn't stop there. In chapter 30, He tells them, "and when you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you...then the Lord your God will make you most prosperous in all the work of your hands and in the fruit of your womb...the Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous...
That's the great thing about our God. He's in the business of restoring and healing and reconciling. There is nothing He is unable to forgive.
So, with a new heart, a new plan, and a new set of priorities, I begin my new life, knowing that blessings AND abundant life will result from both my obedience and my gracious God.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...in April?
As I’ve been organizing pictures from the last 6 months, I’ve not only realized how quickly my kids have grown and changed, but also how much I haven’t been able to process or reflect upon LIFE while I’ve been in school. So much time was consumed with keeping up on homework or trying to keep my house from falling into utter chaos that I didn’t stop to remember my struggles and joys or reflect on what God has done. I don’t want those moments in time to slip through my fingers. I want to go back and think about our journey as a family and my own personal growth. It goes AGAINST every fiber in my being to be out of chronological order, but oh well! (I am such a CONCRETE/SEQUENTIAL person that I even drive myself a little crazy!)
Going home to ND always brings with it mixed feelings. I love my parents dearly, but I find myself not really knowing how each visit will go. Sometimes it is sweet fellowship with my parents, and other times our time together can be filled with such dysfunction! (I’m sure other families go through the same thing at holiday gatherings.)
Christmas this past year was pretty crazy. My brother and his wife had to stay at home in Grand Forks and study/work (they are both working and going to school full time), but two of my nieces and nephew came to my parent’s house while we were there. The children outnumbered the adults 5 to 4. It was pretty chaotic at times to say the least.
I love ALL of my nieces and nephew, but because we don’t get to see them very often, they often monopolize our time and don’t give us much of a break. So between five children ages 17 months to 11 years and all the cooking and special activities, it was a pretty exhausting time for me and Brad.
But the kids had SO MUCH FUN together! Brad and I even had a couple really good conversations with my parents, and Mom and Dad watched ALL the kids so Brad and I could have a night out.
No matter what “going home” entails, I am always so glad that I do have a family to go home to. Despite the many ups and downs I have (almost weekly) with my parents, God placed me in their family, and I know that He is good, sovereign, and in control. He knows best, and I’m glad I can trust Him in the good AND in the hard times.
Going home to ND always brings with it mixed feelings. I love my parents dearly, but I find myself not really knowing how each visit will go. Sometimes it is sweet fellowship with my parents, and other times our time together can be filled with such dysfunction! (I’m sure other families go through the same thing at holiday gatherings.)
Christmas this past year was pretty crazy. My brother and his wife had to stay at home in Grand Forks and study/work (they are both working and going to school full time), but two of my nieces and nephew came to my parent’s house while we were there. The children outnumbered the adults 5 to 4. It was pretty chaotic at times to say the least.
I love ALL of my nieces and nephew, but because we don’t get to see them very often, they often monopolize our time and don’t give us much of a break. So between five children ages 17 months to 11 years and all the cooking and special activities, it was a pretty exhausting time for me and Brad.
But the kids had SO MUCH FUN together! Brad and I even had a couple really good conversations with my parents, and Mom and Dad watched ALL the kids so Brad and I could have a night out.
No matter what “going home” entails, I am always so glad that I do have a family to go home to. Despite the many ups and downs I have (almost weekly) with my parents, God placed me in their family, and I know that He is good, sovereign, and in control. He knows best, and I’m glad I can trust Him in the good AND in the hard times.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Life after grad school...
I have been ignoring my blog for over 2 months now. (If this blog was a close, personal friend of mine, she would have given up on me weeks ago!) There are a variety of reasons for this...grad school, children, housework, grad school, youth group students, trip to Florida, grad school, ministry, house construction, grad school... But I am a short 11 days away from my final presentation in Marshall, and about 3 pages shy of completing my massive action-research paper. The end is in sight! But after 2 years of work and reading and papers, it's hard for me to grasp that I will be laying aside my teacher "hat" once again.
This morning at the YMCA, I ran into a friend who had recently read my blog (from February...thank heavens she didn't realize how long ago I had written that post!). My first thought was, "people actually read my blog?" (and I know this is true, but I've sorta forgotten it since I haven't made the time to update it...and I've sorta forgotten all about it as well.) My second thought was, "what had I written again?" Then I realized that it had been about my on-going struggle to fit in. And two months later, the struggle is still very real. And especially over the last few months, I have not been able to nurture friendships, play dates, or other couple time due to my incredible study load. THAT will change very soon!!!
So what will life after grad school (or LAGS as I affectionately call it) look like? Hopefully I will get back to posting about my life and my kids on a MORE regular basis. I hope to get into a more regular "pre-school" routine and design a curriculum for Sammy. I want my house to be cleaned REGULARLY every week. I want to have more dates with my husband. I want to spend more time with my girlfriends in Brainerd and in the Twin Cities. I want to read FOR FUN!!!
But most of all, I want to be thankful....thankful for a WONDERFUL husband who has been with our children for 20 weekends and countless study nights over the last two years for me to have this opportunity...thankful for what I have learned and how I have been able to pass on that knowledge to so many others...thankful for a place to be a "teacher" again and know FULLY that God is NOT wasting this time I am setting aside to be at home with my children...thankful to know that I CAN be a student again...thankful that I haven't lost my desire to learn and grow as a professional.
And after being thankful, I hope to wildly celebrate my graduate experience and LAGS!
This morning at the YMCA, I ran into a friend who had recently read my blog (from February...thank heavens she didn't realize how long ago I had written that post!). My first thought was, "people actually read my blog?" (and I know this is true, but I've sorta forgotten it since I haven't made the time to update it...and I've sorta forgotten all about it as well.) My second thought was, "what had I written again?" Then I realized that it had been about my on-going struggle to fit in. And two months later, the struggle is still very real. And especially over the last few months, I have not been able to nurture friendships, play dates, or other couple time due to my incredible study load. THAT will change very soon!!!
So what will life after grad school (or LAGS as I affectionately call it) look like? Hopefully I will get back to posting about my life and my kids on a MORE regular basis. I hope to get into a more regular "pre-school" routine and design a curriculum for Sammy. I want my house to be cleaned REGULARLY every week. I want to have more dates with my husband. I want to spend more time with my girlfriends in Brainerd and in the Twin Cities. I want to read FOR FUN!!!
But most of all, I want to be thankful....thankful for a WONDERFUL husband who has been with our children for 20 weekends and countless study nights over the last two years for me to have this opportunity...thankful for what I have learned and how I have been able to pass on that knowledge to so many others...thankful for a place to be a "teacher" again and know FULLY that God is NOT wasting this time I am setting aside to be at home with my children...thankful to know that I CAN be a student again...thankful that I haven't lost my desire to learn and grow as a professional.
And after being thankful, I hope to wildly celebrate my graduate experience and LAGS!
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