Joy

I've been thinking a lot about joy lately.

Or maybe about my lack of it.

I feel like I am spending a great deal of time (hours upon hours throughout my day) trying to align my emotions with the truth of God.

Sadly, most days of late, my emotions come out on top.

I'm learning that knowing the Word of God and the character of God...

and actually living by it, moment by moment and day by day...

are sometimes two totally different things.

It is a battle. A battle of my mind. A battle over my emotions and the worries of this very finite world.

And every day it changes. One day, I am at peace and have my eyes focused on Christ. I only think of the necessities and work of that day. I only think in my mind "what is" statements and not "what if's."

Then, there are days like today. A complete roller coaster from start to finish.

I woke up feeling crummy. I hadn't slept well, and Brad told me I actually screamed out while I was sleeping (which was a first for me). I don't remember why I screamed...but I remember having terrible, fitful dreams. After trying to rub those thoughts out of my eyes, I spent the morning playing with the kids (we made tents and tunnels with sheets in my bedroom) and making some homemade granola and oatmeal pancakes. I was feeling pretty good about myself and the day. I was being a great mom and a pretty good "Betty Crocker."

But then, you know what I'm talking about, the kids start hitting or hurting one another...this was just after I put Hannah down for her morning nap and I had jumped into the shower.

Figures.

And I got frustrated and yelled at Caleb...which brought on a shower of tears. I tried to get control and calm him down...just as I heard Hannah wake up from all the commotion.

Why was I surprised?

I again try to calm everyone down (including myself) and get lunch made. I then sent Sammy and Caleb outside to play...score one more for being a good mommy...and finished feeding Hannah. Everything was back on track and going well...

until a phone call...

and another hard and frustrating situation came my way.

And I am back to "feeling" heavy laden with burdens and cares of this world.

I've been trying all evening to wrap my mind around why I am feeling this way, yet again.

I think I figured it out.

Um...let me explain...

This is my daughter, Hannah.

Yes, she is the cutest 8 month old around.

Hands down.

Do you want to know what her middle name is?

Joy.

And it perfectly suits her.

She is the happiest, most content baby EVER!

She is a joy, and she radiates joy to everyone around her.

And as Brad and I were trying to sort through 3 months (and hundreds of pictures) tonight, I couldn't get over these pictures of her.

Joy...she is such a joy...

and that is exactly what I've been missing.

My BSF teaching leader said just a couple of weeks ago, "where your eyes are fixed, will affect your joy."

Bingo.

When I have had my eyes on the circumstances of friends and family and on Brad and me and our family, I have been without hope, depressed, overwhelmed, filled with fear...

When I have had my eyes on Christ, I can handle the stresses of each day and live joyfully in the midst of them.

I dug through some more BSF notes and found this jewel:

"Begin with God and you will have the right view of people and circumstances."

"Begin with people and circumstances, and you will have the wrong view of God."

I know, I know, it seems so simple, so easy to me now.

But in the midst of a hard conversation and the lack of energy to do much of anything and the tears that just keep coming...

it's hard to remember those truths and these truths...

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." - Psalm 94:19

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Praise God that at this hour I may have joy! That despite what sleep brings tonight, I can wake up with the joy of knowing God and that He has provided all I need for each day. This joy and peace is something the world cannot offer.

And praise God that He has given me a very small sliver of the joy that is mine through this little child.

And I'm so glad He did!

A time to release

A friend said to me yesterday, "I haven't really seen you smile since like October."

She meant no disrespect...she was truly telling me how she saw it, and I appreciate her honesty.

And, yes, I think that does about sum it up.

It's been a long last couple of months.

I breathe a heavy sigh as I type that.

I remember journaling in my Sabbath notebook about a year ago that I felt so completely blessed and fulfilled. That all was "right in the world" concerning my home, children, husband, friends, and church.

Then I wrote..."but I feel something is coming...and I pray that this mountain-top time will prepare me for what's ahead."

I feel like I am now in the midst of that "time" right now.

I haven't posted anything on my blog for almost a month. I've written partial and entire posts, but eventually decided to disregard them or delete them all together. It's been hard for me to separate my emotions and what they are saying about my current life and what God's Word says about it.

Much of what I have written and not published were really "self-pity" posts. One night about 2 weeks ago, I read through a post I was just about to publish and realized how incredibly self-absorbed, whiny, and ungrateful it sounded.

It really disgusted me.

At that moment, I felt as if God was saying to stop using my blog to release my burdens...but to instead release them to Him.

So, my blog has cease to exist until I felt I was able to take all the burdens I have (and am continuing to carry around) to Him first.

I'm still working...daily...at laying my burdens at His feet. It's been a grueling road, especially these last 6 weeks, but I'm praying that as I travel through these trials, God continues to refine me, placing me in conditions where all the muck can be sifted off the top to reveal a more beautiful and clearer reflection of Himself.

Nothing else matters...

My heart is aching today.

The last three weeks have been some of the very hardest of my entire life.

So much has fallen to the way-side due to the incredible emotional roller coaster of the last 21 days.

Every day I've fought the temptation to complain and grumble about the whirlwind, fear, anxiety, and pain around me.

But it's not about me.

Especially today.

And it's not about Brad's recent injury...though that has been hard to live with.

And it's not about my dad's recent heart attack...though the fear and anxiety surrounding that was almost too much for me to bear.

Today it's about Baby Myles...and his incredible family...and my dear friend, Christina, my sister in Christ.

What she and her husband have been through in the last 6 days...and what they will be going through in the upcoming days...

is almost too painful for me to write about.

But I am taking comfort that even though I can no longer form words to express what I feel and what I desire for this family to my Heavenly Father, I know the Spirit is speaking and groaning on my behalf.

So I will continue to pray...and cry out to the Great Physician to heal Myles' body and bring peace and comfort to his family.

For today...nothing else matters.

Like father, like son

My husband loves trains.

He really, really does.

He has this uncanny ability to know where all the train tracks (both the main lines and abandoned ones) are at all times on every, and I mean every, road trip we've ever taken.

And just in case you don't believe me or need further proof...

Have you ever been taken on a date to explore trains...you know, places that post signs that say, "No trespassing or violators will be prosecuted"?

I have.

Or has your husband driven out of your way on a road trip to explore train yards in other (4 that I can remember off hand) states?

Mine has.

Does your husband spend some of his free time taking pictures of train tracks?

Mine does.

Now that you've learned a bit about my wonderful, train obsessed husband...

meet Caleb:

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Caleb loves to go chasing after and exploring trains.

So on some Fridays...or any other time Brad hears a train whistle...the boys jump into our car and seek after adventure.

This place is somewhere Brad bikes to near our house. He often goes there during his Sabbath time. He's taken Caleb there once or twice.

And me...on one of our last date nights.

Surprised?

You really shouldn't be by now.

What can I say?

Some things are just genetic.

My act of worship

I was browsing through this new blog I found called Passionate Homemaking the other day, and I felt such a kinship with Lindsay.

I have been overwhelmed by my "job" these last few weeks. It seems like it's harder and harder to keep up with my daily chores and weekly schedule. Most days I fall into bed exhausted either with feelings of regret over things I didn't get done or with feelings of anxiety thinking about all that needed to be done the next day or in the days to come.

This, my friends, is no way to live.

And while I do need to rethink my days, plan better, and get up earlier, what I need most is an overhaul in my heart.

I know we moms need to have a break. I know that we need help around the house or with the kids sometimes. We all need time to relax and get refreshed.

But motherhood is our job. A 24 hour job. A job we will (literally) have for the rest of our lives.

And it's a joy. A privilege. A blessing.

And one I often take for granted.

God has been moving quite a bit in my life lately...and merging all sorts of things together.

He's really cool that way.

I've been convicted over my sin of pride and my desire for comfort as I've been studying Isaiah at Bible Study Fellowship.

God has brought to mind some habitual sins that needed to be dealt with in Beth Moore's Breaking Free study.

And in One with a Shepherd, a book I'm reading with the other pastor's wives, I'm convicted by Mary Moffat, a pioneer missionary to South Africa, who, after wrestling with all she had given up at home to live halfway around the world serving in a mission station, said, "If I may be a hewer of wood and a drawer of water in the temple of my God, am I not still blessed and privileged?"

My daily work is hard. Actually, never ending.

But I should not be spending my days complaining about it. I should not be demanding some time away from my husband and children. I should not be throwing pity parties for myself in the company of other moms.

Everything I do is an act of worship to my King.

Every dish I wash...

shirt I fold...

cloth diaper I scrub...

poopy bottom I wipe...

time out or spanking I give...

spit up spot I clean...

song I sing...

kiss I give...

Memory game I play...

story I tell...

meal I cook...

tickle I give...

floor I sweep...

errand I run...

shoe I tie...

train track I build...

toy I put away...

child I tuck in at night...

Everything I do is an act of worship.

I know that what I do is not meaningless...well, except for alphabetizing my spice cabinet...which is certainly not important to some people but quite efficient nonetheless...

ahem...

God sees everything, and my work on behalf of my husband, family and home do not go unnoticed.

And, in light of all He has done for me...

I think it's quite reasonable.