...that's something that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.
As I look back on my calendar, out of the last 12 weekends, Brad and I have spent 2 together at home. Every other weekend has been full of grad school, youth conferences, and weekends out of town. And even when we've tried to schedule time just to stay at home and do nothing, something else always seems to get scheduled in. Now I know that we have the power to say "no," and we have to start exercising that power, but some events have simply been out of our hands. And this wouldn't be all bad if Brad and I had at least a couple weeknights together. But every other Sunday is student leadership, every other Monday has been lifeguard meetings or other church meetings, every Tuesday and Wednesday are college and youth group nights, and Thursdays we meet with our small group. And if it's a Friday night before grad school, I'm studying the entire day and evening. That really doesn't leave a lot of family or couple time. We spent our last date making lists and looking at our schedules and trying to figure out how to get out of this craziness. There wasn't a lot of time for romance.
I feel like I'm drowning.
Our life has been out of control, and I think the last 6 weeks has been some of the hardest days of my married life. I feel like I'm a full time mom, a part time wife, and little else. If it wasn't for MOPS, BSF (which I haven't even been able to go to the last few weeks) and grad school (at least I get to spend 2 days with other adults who love kids and love teaching) I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. There hasn't been any time for blogging, scrapbooking, dating my husband, or time with God. I'm simply in the survival mode...get up, take care of the kids, do the laundry, read for grad school, run to church, make supper, meet with my girls...there's not a lot else.
And what really kills me is that I feel so disconnected from Brad. He went to 2 really good conferences, and I have yet to hear fully about them. I'm learning some incredible stuff in grad school, but haven't had time to share a whole lot. We barely talk about anything except for the next appointment or event on our calendar.
I miss my best friend.
This has got to be how marriages begin to fall apart. It's very subtle at first...a couple nights apart a week, less time together, focusing on the kids and not each other, simply living as roommates and not soul mates.
But there is hope.
We've decided to stay home for Thanksgiving...no packing bags and no overnighters...just a quiet holiday at home. Brad will have off 6 days in a row! Even though we'll have a few friends over on Thursday and Friday, it should be pretty low key and quiet...hopefully even restful.
Rest just may be within my grasp...
