As I think about the last week or two...or the last few months for that matter...that word has continually been on my mind. It's one of the first things I think about in the morning, and it's been one of the last things I've thought about at night.
I've witnessed many people who have been grieving of late. I have walked closely alongside some who have grieved deeply over the last year. And I have continually confronted the new waves of grief in my own life.
And it's hard...the suffering that grief brings. The great distress that grief can cause is suffocating and much like a deep, dark hole.
But I've learned a few things lately that have drastically changed my thoughts about the "ugly" word: grief.
First, we are constantly in a state of grieving. Some trials make our grief more evident or pronounced and are laid out for the world to witness. But many are private and seemingly smaller in comparison. But, we are always grieving...
This last week, during Sabbath, I wrestled through my own feelings of grief and thought about what things or people I have been grieving about or over.
Grieving...
over a personal loss...like that of pictures of Caleb's 4th birthday party.
over the careless words I said to people in anger.
over an expectation that was unmet.
over something I want to be, but am not.
over a letter I wrote, too late.
over forgetting to contact new friend.
over a job change.
over the things that WILL be...no matter how hard I try to deny it.
I wonder if there is even a day that goes by that I do not grieve over something that has changed or been lost or been said in haste...
Our grieving will never end until we are done with our life on earth and stand in the presence of our Savior and God. We are constantly at differing levels of grieving. And just when we believe we have worked through one trial, another one is knocking on our door. We live in a fallen world, and just as the earth is "groaning" for everything to be made right again, we are also in that state of yearning.
Another thing I've learned is that it's okay to grieve. In Scripture, Hannah, who was deeply troubled over her barrenness, cried out to God in her "great anguish and grief." We cannot make light of the brokenness or hurt that we are going through. It's something that needs to be worked through so that grief does not overtake our hope.
It's okay to walk alongside others who are grieving and mourn with them. Jesus also, upon seeing Martha and Mary's grief, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." He wept and came alongside them because He loved these women and their brother. We also have a duty and responsibility to walk with those who are mourning. I always find it interesting that Jesus did not "fix the problem" by first raising Lazarus from the dead. He grieved and mourned and held those women. He didn't make light of their hurt.
To be perfectly honest, in the last 8 days, there have been 3 heavy times of grieving for me personally. On Saturday, I grieved the loss of a dear woman at our church...one who greatly influenced my marriage and other areas of my life. On Sunday, I was reminded of and journeyed back to about 9 months ago when I grieved with a dear friend over her son, who was severely brain damaged at birth. And since August 2, I have grieved the fact that Brad is no longer a youth director/pastor at Lakewood. For the past 12 years, youth ministry is all I've known and done. Yet God has decided that our time serving in that way is done. Even though we have grieved this for the last 11 months, a new wave has hit us as Brad has changed offices, changed his job title, and we have stepped out of LSM.
It's been hard, celebrating Rennette's life, yet knowing we won't see her again on this earth. And it's been painful, revisiting the agony of those first few weeks after Myles was born. And it is overwhelming thinking about not going to youth group this fall.
But in all of this grief and pain, God's mercy and grace and faithfulness shines even more brightly. Rennette left a deep and rich legacy of laughter, authenticity, and God's mercy on all those she met. The Hannan's have seen the goodness of God, despite Myles' condition, and many have been touched by his story. And God has been so kind to have shown us, little by little and piece by piece, of what He wants us to do as we seek to serve Him. He hasn't shown us the whole picture, but He has been faithful to show us small step at a time.
In the midst of grief, we CAN know and take God at His Word!
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." - Isaiah 12:2
