In need of a "forgive-o-matic"

There are some days where I'm a great mother. And there are other days that I'm just an okay mom.

And then there are days like today...

...a day that I totally bomb as a mom...a day where I want to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep...a day that I wish I could I could do again.

On Monday night, I had a sneaky suspicion that Sammy had pink eye. One eye had a tiny bit of crustys, and at one point, she said her eye hurt. So I decided to take her in Tuesday morning if it worsened. When she woke up the next day, her eye was totally clear. So I thought that maybe it was just a cold because she had a runny nose and her eyes were more watery than anything else...and there was NO red or pink in the whites of her eye...which is the #1 symptom. Then this morning, she woke up crying because she couldn't open either eye. Oh, and one of Caleb's eyes was also crusty.

Lesson #1 - trust your mom instinct and seek medical attention even if you think they might say, "it's probably just a cold."

Once we got home from the doctor and pharmacy, then the task of giving each child eye drops and cream began. (I would not wish this task on even my worse enemy.) It took both of us to hold Sammy down. For some reason, I didn't even think about the rest of the day (it's Wednesday and Brad wouldn't be home until late) and having to put drops in her eyes alone.

Lessons #2 - it's nearly impossible to put eye drops in a 2 1/2 child without help.

Sammy needed drops 4 times a day, and Caleb needed cream put in his eye twice a day. (Personally, I wish those would have been switched...an 8 month old is a far easier patient.) So before naptime was dosage #2. I had to physically get on top of Sammy, place her head between my knees and try to aim the drops in her eye while holding her arms and legs. It was not a fun ordeal, but somehow I did it. The real hard part came later.

Lessonn #3 - there's always a calm before a storm.

Right before dinner, I decided to give both kids their medicine. Caleb was pretty easy, but it took me over 45 min. to give Sammy her medicine. She was not about to relive the previous medicine session. She kicked, screamed, ran away, cried, hid, dumped things out, threw things, and gave the biggest tantrum I had ever seen. And myself, I'm sad to say, didn't act much different. I yelled, cried, and gave 2 spankings to my daughter in anger. For not one minute was I under control...not one word or action was done in love...her disobedience fueled my fury, and I lost control and perspective.

I totally blew it as a parent.

Lesson #4 - I'm not perfect, nor will I be in this life.

I called Brad, totally cried and yelled over the phone saying that I just couldn't do it. I was done. I wanted to run away. I was ready to let Sammy (and my anger) win. But he calmed me down, prayed for me, and reminded me that I'm not going to be always be a perfect parent. Thinking that I could be a perfect parent all the time was a lie straight from Satan. God called me to be a godly parent, not a perfect one.

Sammy and I both calmed down, and somehow I got the drops in her eyes. And when I got ready to give her another dose before bed, I prayed silently, took a couple of deep breaths, talked to her with love and gentleness, and quickly did the deed. There were no tears...only high fives, a big hug, and lots of praise toward my daughter.

Lesson #5 - with God, all things are possible.

Even though I was able to salvage some of the day, I still feel terribly guilty for how I treated Sammy. I hate it when my anger comes out, especially towards my children. And I hate how I think Sammy should act older than she is...she's not even 2 1/2 yet! I can't expect her to be someone she's not...I can only expect her to be a child...a little girl testing her boundaries, a little girl who is afraid, a little girl who acts out in anger because her mother acts in anger.

When I was praying with Sammy in her bed, I said I was sorry and asked her to forgive me. Even though she probably didn't understand all I said to her, it was something I had to do...and something I will have to do again and again and again. And even it would be easier to have the Veggie Tales "forgive-o-matic", I need to make it a point to model being humble and asking forgiveness of my children...and of God.

Lesson #6 - forgiveness is free and never-ending, and is a precious gift from God.

Grad school joys and woes

It's been well over a month since I last blogged. While there have been many reasons why...friends visiting, church winter retreats, and my current addiction to playing Settlers of Catan on-line...the number #1 reason has been grad school. I have had grad school 3 out of the last 6 weekends, and I've read more than 400 pages and done countless hours of research for my mini-action research project during those 6 weeks. Since my work load has been so great, every free minute went to studying. I now have 4 weeks until my next weekend, and I'm giving myself a few days to get caught up on the rest of my life.

Even though some days I feel like I'm drowning in work and wondering why I got myself into this, I really am enjoying it so much. I really like the people in my co-hort, and I feel like so much of what we're studying (brain research, multiple intelligences, learning styles, differentiated learning, etc.) is so applicable and useful not only in the classroom but in both personal and professional relationships. I have already learned so much and have made changes in how I view students and their learning styles, my lesson plans, and curriculum. I've been able to share much of it with Brad, and will hopefully be doing my final action research project with him on the junior high Sunday school curriculum.

But it also has its downsides. Usually 4-5 days before another work weekend, I get really anxious and moody as I'm trying to finish all my work. On those days, I'm not the greatest mother or wife. And after I get home Sunday afternoon, I just want to relax because I'm so mentally exhausted, and I really don't want to put my "mommy" hat back on so that Brad can do work. I also sometimes struggle with some people in my groups that don't offer much to our group tasks. The last two weekends, one member of my group said, "well, I'm pretty much done...I've got nothing more to contribute," about 1-2 hours before our class was done. And I thought my 7th graders were unmotivated! It's also hard missing church and missing connecting with friends and students on Sunday morning.

But I feel very blessed to be able to do grad school at this point in my life. I feel challenged mentally and professionally, and I still feel connected to the classroom...even though it's been almost 3 years. I have also really appreciated my incredibly supportive husband who has printed out various materials for me and has watched the kids many Fridays so that I could finish my work.

The crazy thing is that after 2 more weekends, I'll be half-way done with school. Even though I may not use all the great information right away, I'm praying that God will use this experience to change and grow me and prepare me for the next phase of my life.

And I am very eager to experience all that He has for me.