Today, Sammy locked me out of the house...with no key, cell phone, or means to get back into the house. And it wasn't even 12:30 yet...
We were just finishing lunch when Sammy saw our neighbors, Dave and Beatrice outside on a walk. Sammy is rather fond of them, so we quickly cleaned up, put our shoes on and headed outside. After a few minutes of chatting, I told Sammy we had to go back inside. As Caleb and I were saying goodbye, Sammy went into the garage, closed the door and locked the deadbolt. I didn't fully realize what she had done for a minute or two, and then I started trying to get her to unlock the door. By that time she thought it was a game, and she ran inside the house and looked out the window at us. Then I convinced her to go back out to the garage and try to open the door. After a few tries, she started crying and asked me to open the door. By that time, I knew she was too upset to get the door unlocked. Dave called Brad at church on his cell, and I convinced Sammy (through the window) to sit on a dining room chair and sing songs with me until Brad got home. I think it was one of the longest 12 minutes of my life.
Brad finally arrived to the rescue, and after saying good bye and thank you to my neighbors, putting Caleb down for a much overdue nap, and getting a big hug from Brad, it was time to train Sammy about doors and locks. Sammy had never, ever touched any of our locks, so I was surprised she had done it. But she is a very curious almost 3 year old, and there's a first time for everything. (Needless to say, the first thing Brad and I did...after rescuing Sammy from the house...was hide a key outside.) Then there were more hugs, kisses, and cuddle time with Bubba and blanket, and finally nap time.
I can't begin to tell about the variety of emotions I felt in that short 20 minute span of time. At first it didn't phase me, and we were all a bit amused. Then I was frustrated, a bit angry, and then worried, panicked, and gripped with fear when Sammy began crying and then when I couldn't see her through the windows in either the garage or house, I really wanted to break a window or scream for her, but I knew I had to keep calm.
And as I sit here, I feel pretty rotten. Oh, I'm not consumed with worry about if she (or Caleb) will do it again. I'm not even worrying about all the danger she was in by being alone in our house and not having my protection. No, I'm feeling rotten because I feel like a failure again as a mother...to Brad, my neighbors, Brad's co-workers, etc. Why do I always seem to struggle with this? Why can't I stop listening to the lies of the enemy? Why can't I focus on the really great things I do as a mom, and let go of the mistakes I make along the way?
Maybe it's because I want control. Maybe it's because I want to be liked and well thought of. Maybe it's because I'm self-conscious about being a mom. Maybe it's all three. I don't know.
But what I know for sure is that there is GRACE and LOVE and that I don't always have to be perfect. I'm sure my kids will someday do something that will far surpass today's events. And I will (and Brad and Sammy) will learn from today's events, and will be better because of it. And tomorrow, I may be able to laugh about it.
But I am who I am. I have my share of struggles in parenting, and I am quite aware of the things I need to change in myself. But I can't let the things that are sometimes out of my control...like locked doors or unsuccessful days of potty training or the toys that seem to mess themselves up...get me down. I need to focus on what I can change, and let the rest go.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6
6 comments:
Great story Jenny! I can't believe Brad is actually going to leave a key outside, considering the bad neighborhood you live in ;) You are a great Mom! Just like my husband is great dad, even though he gave Lydia a black eye last night. (She just happen to be in the wrong place and the right height for the door knob to give her a shiner.)
Brad CRACKED up at your comment Paula! The "incident" is more humerous today, and I'm glad it's a new day! Oh, and I've been trying to put comments on your blog, but I'm not able to. But I LOVE the pics of Abigail's first day of school...and your hubby did a nice job for your anniversary. I think he's a keeper!
you aren't alone in feeling like a pitiful mom! At least you were able to convince her to sit and sing and you could keep your eyes on her! I don't know if Maya would have been convinced like Sammy was!
It's funnier to me today. I'm just glad I didn't completely lose it and frighten the neighbors!
You know, being a mom isn't about being perfect. If it were, Eve would have been the beginnng and the end. Our perfection is fulfilled in Christ. As for days like that, a little fear coupled with humor just might be one of the best reminders of how precious a gift our children are. You are definitely not a failure in any way as a mother. In fact, I see a day like this heading my way sometime in the not so distant future with Savannah.
Oh Jen, I'm sorry you had to go through that! I'll never forget the day that a 10-month-old I was watching bit down on the lock button of the car, which locked me out with no purse, no phone, and no keys. To make matters worse, she was inside the car in the parking lot of MOA on one of the coldest days in December. I stood outside the car watching her cry, knowing she was hungry, praying she was warm enough, and hoping that somehow the funny faces I was making would help a little. It took 45 minutes, with strangers giving me horrible looks and useless advise, for her mom to show up with another set of keys and free her. All that to say, don't worry, it happens to the best of us! ;) We must remember that our children are "on loan" to us and only God can truly be their protector!
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