Will I ever fit in?

I’ve been thinking a lot about “fitting in” lately. Maybe it’s because I was going through some old high school pictures the other day or because I was reflecting on how “alone” many junior and high school students feel today.

I’m jealous sometimes of those people who just seem to fit right in. They seem to always be surrounded by caring and loyal friends. They dress perfectly and seem to live their life with such ease. I seem to always be standing on the sidelines wondering how they do it.

Even though a lot of people wouldn’t believe this about me, I have often struggled with “not fitting in.” (Just let me share 5 minutes with you about my high school experience, and you would know why.) I really did love the town I grew up in and the school I went to; I loved my teachers and the many opportunities I had. But I never seemed to fit in. To this day, there is only ONE person from my high school class that I talk with weekly, try to see as often as I can, and share my daily struggles with.

Even in college, it took me almost a year to find a group of people that really accepted me. I tried to force myself into the groups I thought were “popular,” but I eventually found a group that was so comfortable, and those people are my closest friends today. We get together often for scrapbooking, our kids have sleep-overs together, we pass down kid’s clothes to one another, and we share the good and bad of life without the fear of being looked down upon.

Today, after almost 10 years of marriage, 2 children, and 6 years of teaching, I still struggle with thoughts like, “do they like me?” or “do they really want to be my friend?” This goes for people in my church, MOPS or BSF group, and certainly my fellow teachers in my master’s program. And, what makes it worse, are the first impressions people seem to have of me. Either they see me as highly confident and assertive or a know-it-all and quite intimidating. I just can’t seem to win…

So, what do I do about it? How do I stop this crazy cycle? I’ve found that there are only 2 things that seem to work. The first is to stop believing the lies of the enemy. Satan’s tactics haven’t changed over the years. He still tries to convince us to doubt God’s love, and to think that we are all alone…from God or from other believers. He tries to convince us we are the ONLY person suffering or hurting and whispers in our ears not to tell anyone that we are struggling, but keep those things to ourselves (where they can tear us apart inside). The second is to spend some time with the Savior. Listen to what HE says about us…like we are His workmanship…nothing can separate us from His love…He does ALL things for our good…He knows the number of hair on our heads…He will NEVER leave or forsake us.

It really doesn’t matter what other people think of me or whether I will EVER fit into the RIGHT group. I need to live my life for an audience of One. In the end, His opinion of me is the only one that counts.