A Mother's Fear

Several months ago Brad and I planned a mini-vacation to the Cities before baby #2 came. Because Sammy will probably never remember life without her baby brother, we wanted to do some fun things just for her. We wanted to capture some memories of a time when it was just the three of us.

We did have a wonderful time playing and relaxing together. We went to Como Zoo, the park at the Mall of America, and various parks. (I’ll post some AWESOME pics of Sammy in the next day or two.) Brad and I even went to a Twins game together...but that's a whole other story...the Twins were losing 8-0 by the 5th inning...let's just say it wasn't very pretty.

But our relaxing and fun weekend came to an abrupt end Saturday evening when we picked Sammy up from my friend Melanie's house. Melanie is an old friend. She’s been a nanny for years, and I trust her immensely with Sammy. So it was a no brainer to leave Sammy with her while Brad and I were out.

But as Brad was packing up the car, Sammy, who had been playing quietly and independently while I was gathering her stuff, grabbed her crotch/private area and started screaming and crying. Mel said Sammy had done that 2 or 3 times that afternoon and said that she had no idea what was wrong. They had gone to the park, played in the sand, and then Mel had given her a bath because she thought Sammy had gotten some sand in her diaper and it had irritated her skin. But Mel didn’t see any sign of redness or irritation. I sang to Sammy, calmed her down, and in 1-2 minutes, she was back to her normal self. Then 10-15 minutes later she did it again. I checked her diaper and after all three of us held her down, we realized she had a little bit of bleeding in that area. Sammy screamed and cried the entire time. At this point it was around 7:30, and all the Urgent Cares were closed. I called a nurse from our church and my friend Gianna to get some advice. We finally decided to take her to the Children’s Hospital.

Brad and I were torn about what to do. Aside from 3-4 times of this unexpected screaming/crying outbursts, she was COMPLETELY normal. We thought about just driving home and taking her in the next morning or to our ER in Brainerd. We didn’t know if it was just a bad case of diaper rash…or something more serious. We checked in and while we were waiting to see a doctor, Sammy had 4-5 more outbursts. It was the oddest thing to see a perfectly normal, smiling child one minute, and a screaming, crying child the next.

A nurse practioner first examined Sammy, and she said Sammy had a tear in her private area. Then the next few minutes were filled with words like “abuse”, “social services”, “injury uncommon to girls this young”…etc. Situations I had never thought (or feared) about flooded my mind. Brad and I were SURE that NO ONE had done anything to Sammy. She had been on a TON of rides and swings that weekend, and we thought that could have caused it. Eventually, a doctor came in and examined Sammy and ruled out any possible abuse. He said it was common for girls to have “straddle” injuries from monkey bars or other playground equipment, but usually not this young. Although they couldn’t figure out an exact cause, the final diagnosis was a straddle injury. We would have to keep the area covered in cream, give Tylenol as needed, and were told the area should heal itself.

As we walked out of the hospital at 10:30, we were so relieved that Sammy would be okay. But as we drove home, so many thoughts went through our mind. What if social services were called? What if Melanie was investigated? What would happen to her career? What if this would have happened while Sammy was in my care or Brad’s? What if we were investigated? How would that affect his profession? What if something did happen to Sammy? While we were grateful for the questions they asked and the care they gave Sammy, it was absolutely terrifying to think that my daughter could be the victim of abuse.

It was a brutal reminder of what an evil world we live in. While there is beauty and warmth and wonderful things around us, there is also hurt, pain, cruelty, and evil. I was reminded today, again, that this world is not my home. This world was not as God intended it to be. There will be painful things that touch my life and the lives of those I love. But God is sovereign. Nothing touches us except what He has allowed. He desires the best for us, and His ways are higher than ours. He works for the good of those who love Him, and He constantly conforms us to the likeness of His Son. And what this world means for evil, He means for good and for His glory.

What do non-Christians do when the evil of this world falls on them? What hope do they have? How does fear and worry not overwhelm them?

Today I’m not quite so emotional and weepy, and I can put my emotions aside and focus on the character of God. Today I am overwhelmed by His promises and His great love for me and Sammy. Today I am reminded that He has not given us a spirit of fear, and that I can trust Him…no matter what.