I am stuck.
Really stuck.
And in the midst of my rut, I am miserable.
Miserable, unproductive, apathetic, frustrated...
But do you want to know what the worst part is?
I am having feelings of deja vu.
Ugg.
I've been here before. I've felt this uneasiness. This unhappiness. This unsettlingness.
The crazy cycle has begun.
I promised myself I wouldn't return to this place.
But I have.
Unmet expectations and sinful habits have a way of coming back to haunt me.
I had a plan...an expectation about what the next 10 days were going to look like. I had lists, goals, dreams of what I was going to accomplish.
All gone...
And now, I'm having my very own pity party...
What does my pity party look like?
Well, I've let my children watch 2 hours of PBS Kids this morning and have not interacted with them a whole lot while they've been playing. I've been emotionally eating. I had chocolate for breakfast and have consumed WAY more calories today than I should. And I've been pretty bitter...and resentful that things haven't gone my way. I've been thinking all morning about how other people's poor decisions have affected me and my family...and been dwelling on how they will continue to affect us in the future.
Hmmm, sounds like I've invited a temper tantrum to my pity party.
And I'm thinking to myself...really? I mean, REALLY, this is who I am, when things don't go my way? Really, when plans get changed I become like this? I allow circumstances to define what I feel? How I act? How I think? How I treat others?
Really?
Unfortunately...yes.
And I hate it. I hate that I can't seem to break this. I hate that I continue to eat emotionally or tell my kids, "mommy will be with you in just a little bit," and again brush them aside. I hate that my thoughts are ruling my actions.
What I hate most is how this morning's thoughts and actions are directly tied to what is in my heart.
I want to hold onto bitterness and resentment. I want to be apathetic. I want to complain about how other people are "ruining" my plans. I don't want to get out of my rut. I feel just fine being the victim.
Man, sin is ugly. It is nasty and smelly and ugly. But this sin is not someone else's...is my nasty and smelly and ugly sin.
I have a choice. A choice to forgive, let go, and move on or a choice to cling to my "rights."
Even as the Holy Spirit has gently been whispering into my mind, I have pushed Him aside. I don't want to let go of my anger.
But, I'm stopping right now. I'm laying down whatever rights I have. I'm confessing my pride, anger, frustration, and other unpleasant things in my heart. I'm letting go. I'm asking God to fill me supernaturally to live life abundantly the next 2 weeks.
I'm putting down the chocolate and am listening to what He has to say.
4 comments:
JENNYYYYYY!!!!!!
I would so call you right now because I know you are up, but in case you aren't being that it's 11:18, I am praying for you. I would LOVE to chat this week, okay?
I would say you are first of all "normal" second of all i would say your in the "phase" of "where am I?" that hits at about 4 months after baby...and chocolate is really yummy. :) having said that...what you feel resonate in your spirit, those feelings you dislike, God can take them, and beautify them. One step at a time, one hour at a time...and before you know it, it's not a chore anymore to let the "yuck" go, and then you know, you are being held by the Father...
We always are held, but it's true that our sinful desires can get in the way of our responding correctly. Like I always say about you friend, you are SO sensitive to the callings of the SPirit, and that is notable! I will pray for a better today for you, and just for the record, my children also enjoyed 2 hours of pbs yesterday. :)
Praying for you Jenny.
The pit of despair is so human, and human is what we are. We can't help it, you know. All we can do is as Him for help.
Ditto to the other gals comments. I feel these feelings sometimes, everyone does where they admit it or not. You're also probably going thru post-pardon hormonal changes, too. I don't see anything wrong with letting the kids watch some of PBS as long as it's good, healthy children's programs. I think you young mothers are too hard on yourselves sometimes.
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