A fresh, new year!

I have always loved flipping the calendar from December to January!

I love starting over!

2012 is a clean slate.

It's a new year with new possibilities.

It's an opportunity to do things differently.

It's a chance to start anew!

I'm such a sucker for this kind of stuff!

In the craziness of the last several months (or year and a half for that matter), blogging has been one of the furthest things from my thoughts. I just had to push it out of my mind because thinking about all that I wasn't blogging (or writing or scrapbooking or taking pictures) about was causing me so much heartache. I realized that I had to put some things aside because other things simply took priority.

And that's okay.

For awhile I was really bitter and resentful about all I was not able to do because of other family and work obligations. But I've learned it's okay. Really. There is a season for everything under heaven, and my season for blogging had to be put on hold. And I'm learning what a privilege and honor it is to lay some things...some very personal and refreshing and good things...down.

God has shown me a lot over the last several months about what it truly means to serve my family, love my husband, and be humble in difficult circumstances. And I'm grateful that He kept this blog quiet as I wrestled through my emotions and heart issues so that this place did not become one of bitterness or anger.

And our God is one of hope and fresh starts and new mercies!

Can I get an Amen!

I'm hoping to spend just a few minutes each day in 2012 either writing or editing pictures or something having to do with this blog so that it can become a place of refreshment to me, an online family scrapbook for my children and hopefully an encouragement to others!

So, let's start!

I will have much more to write later about our Aust family Christmas 2011, but for now I'll start with a picture of all 15 of us and some highs and lows from our trip.

Highlight: Going sledding and bike riding in one week!

Lowlight: A disappointing and quite pathetic snow accumulation for our Floridian relatives.

Highlight: Driving away from River Falls, WI without any of the 5 of us getting the stomach bug!

Lowlight: Sammy throwing up in the van just minutes from home...and Caleb throwing up later that night.

Highlight: Having all 8 children (ages 16 months to 6) together in one house!

Lowlight: Having all 8 children (ages 16 months to 6) together in one house!

Highlight: Staying up late a few nights to play games and talk.

Lowlight: Remembering that we are all parents now and our children are up at the crack of dawn!

Brad and I had such a GREAT time with his family! I am so grateful for Brad's mom, his brothers, and my sister in laws and the week we got to spend together. I am truly blessed to have them as family!

Sammy's Summer Activities: Round 1

Brad and I decided early in our "children and extra curricular activities" discussions that we would limit the number of activities our kids did each year and also limit it to one activity at a time. It is CRAZY the number of things you can register your child for! During the first week of school alone, Sammy had SIX handouts giving information about 3 different area dance studios, karate classes, private ice skating lessons and fall soccer teams!

HELLO! These children are only FIVE YEARS OLD!!!

Seriously! What are some parents thinking!!!

Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, for the last 2 summers, Sammy's been able to take a short summer gymnastics class put on by the Brainerd High School gymnastics coach and team.

I also decided that if I was the one running all of my children around town, that I should plan to do that activity with a friend. Last year Sammy did gymnastics with her friend, Izzy (and I got to hang out with Izzy's mom, Amy) and this year, my friend Nickie and I registered our girls for the same class.

Even though Nickie and I didn't get to chat as much as we would have liked during those six, 45 minute classes, our girls had a great time together and our boys played a lot of cars!

I like how they all struck a pose!

I can't remember what Sammy was doing in this picture, but she looks like she was having a lot of fun!

It still amazes me how many skills they learned in only six classes! Just look at that concentration!

Sammy and Lila's favorite thing to do was to jump into the "cheese."

(a.k.a. - large pieces of foam that look like cheese)

I love this one of Lila!

At first I was a bit embarrassed of my husband (imagine that) that he jumped right into the "cheese" so he could get better pictures of the girls.

But Jeremy (Lila's dad) also joined Brad and they both received permission from the coach to do so. The coach was actually thrilled that there were parents wanting to get so involved and take these kinds of pictures of their kids.

Oh, and what were Caleb and Hannah doing while Sammy was learning how to pull herself up on the uneven bars and do tumbling? He was racing several cars and trucks on the bleachers and...

...jumping off any and every mat along the edge of the practice room.

We totally need to sign this kid up for gymnastics class next summer!

Oh, and one of the reasons Nickie and I weren't able to sit down during each class was because I was chasing a darling 14 month old (and her purple bunny) around the gymnastics room.

All of us got our exercise!

I'm so proud of you Sammy! You did a great job and learned so much! Nice job sweetie!

Where to start?

Have you ever stood before a task that was so daunting that you had no idea where to start?

And the longer you put off starting this task, the larger and more overwhelming it became?

Then, after spending days, weeks, or months pretending the task didn't even exist, you stand before it with all hope stripped away of even starting...let alone completing it?

Nope, I've never felt that way either!

Oh, where to start?

So many others around me are facing obstacles that I can't even imagine. They live daily with chronic pain...they care diligently for a handicapped child...they pray weekly for enough money to buy groceries for their family.

And I often feel like I'm complaining too much...that I should just put on a happy face since my present circumstances don't compare to what others are going through.

Yet, each of us are on a different journey. One that can't be compared to others. One that God has specifically set before each of His children.

And for our little family, it's been a difficult last year and a half.

And just when we seem to get our bearings, it seems our course is again altered and we are floundering around again trying to steady ourselves.

In the midst of these struggles, so much of myself has been put on hold so that the current "super high priority task" or event can be finished or completed.

Things like scrapbooking, running, blogging, organizing....things that rejuvenate me and motivate me have been placed to the side.

Like a neglected pet in a dark corner of the room....with sad, brown eyes and a soft whimper...and a cold, wet little nose that just aches to nestle with its owner....

Can you tell I used to be an English teacher?

And those favorite past-times and hobbies which have brought me so much joy, have now become daunting tasks. It seems every time I think about diving into one, I let defeat, exhaustion, and a list of other excuses break my spirit even before my feet take one step.

But tonight, as I was looking through some pictures from this year and day-dreaming about what it would be like to actually jot down some of my thoughts in an actual blog post....

I decided to do it. Even if it costs me some extra sleep tonight.

Despite the current circumstances of my life, my days are filled with incredible blessings from God. And these blessings mostly come in the form of my amazing husband and adorable children. I have never been more grateful for their loving and divine placement in my life as I am right now.

Like most mothers, I don't take nearly as many pictures as I should of me with each of my children. I have a ton of pictures of each of them, but few of them with me.

These first three pictures were taken Easter weekend. It's the last time I took a picture of me with each of my precious kiddos...but hopefully I will resolve that soon!

My sweet Sammy...

Caleb...my goofy son!

Hannah...who daily lives up to her middle name: Joy!

You would also think that I would have a plethora of pictures of Brad and me from the times we've been able to spend time together away from our kids.

You would think....

There are many, many, many much more beautiful pictures from the Canadian Rockies, but this is one of my favorites...despite the rain and the clouds that day.

I can't wait for our next adventure, hon!

And most recently....Sammy on her first day of school! She is going to be six next month, and I find myself trying desperately to hold onto this precious age.

Caleb...some days there just aren't any words for my silly, goofy, highly entertaining son!

Oh, and sweet, sweet Hannah! Like I said: Pure Joy!

Where do I start and where do I go from here?

I'm not sure, but I do know that I don't want to look back at this time and regret not focusing on the many blessings that God has given me. I don't want to have this entire chunk of my life empty...because I just didn't have the motivation or emotional energy to write about the very good things in my life...in the midst of the hard.

So, hold onto your boot straps! I've got some great stories and pictures to share!

There is a time for everything...

Grief...

As I think about the last week or two...or the last few months for that matter...that word has continually been on my mind. It's one of the first things I think about in the morning, and it's been one of the last things I've thought about at night.

I've witnessed many people who have been grieving of late. I have walked closely alongside some who have grieved deeply over the last year. And I have continually confronted the new waves of grief in my own life.

And it's hard...the suffering that grief brings. The great distress that grief can cause is suffocating and much like a deep, dark hole.

But I've learned a few things lately that have drastically changed my thoughts about the "ugly" word: grief.

First, we are constantly in a state of grieving. Some trials make our grief more evident or pronounced and are laid out for the world to witness. But many are private and seemingly smaller in comparison. But, we are always grieving...

This last week, during Sabbath, I wrestled through my own feelings of grief and thought about what things or people I have been grieving about or over.

Grieving...

over a personal loss...like that of pictures of Caleb's 4th birthday party.

over the careless words I said to people in anger.

over an expectation that was unmet.

over something I want to be, but am not.

over a letter I wrote, too late.

over forgetting to contact new friend.

over a job change.

over the things that WILL be...no matter how hard I try to deny it.

I wonder if there is even a day that goes by that I do not grieve over something that has changed or been lost or been said in haste...

Our grieving will never end until we are done with our life on earth and stand in the presence of our Savior and God. We are constantly at differing levels of grieving. And just when we believe we have worked through one trial, another one is knocking on our door. We live in a fallen world, and just as the earth is "groaning" for everything to be made right again, we are also in that state of yearning.

Another thing I've learned is that it's okay to grieve. In Scripture, Hannah, who was deeply troubled over her barrenness, cried out to God in her "great anguish and grief." We cannot make light of the brokenness or hurt that we are going through. It's something that needs to be worked through so that grief does not overtake our hope.

It's okay to walk alongside others who are grieving and mourn with them. Jesus also, upon seeing Martha and Mary's grief, "was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." He wept and came alongside them because He loved these women and their brother. We also have a duty and responsibility to walk with those who are mourning. I always find it interesting that Jesus did not "fix the problem" by first raising Lazarus from the dead. He grieved and mourned and held those women. He didn't make light of their hurt.

To be perfectly honest, in the last 8 days, there have been 3 heavy times of grieving for me personally. On Saturday, I grieved the loss of a dear woman at our church...one who greatly influenced my marriage and other areas of my life. On Sunday, I was reminded of and journeyed back to about 9 months ago when I grieved with a dear friend over her son, who was severely brain damaged at birth. And since August 2, I have grieved the fact that Brad is no longer a youth director/pastor at Lakewood. For the past 12 years, youth ministry is all I've known and done. Yet God has decided that our time serving in that way is done. Even though we have grieved this for the last 11 months, a new wave has hit us as Brad has changed offices, changed his job title, and we have stepped out of LSM.

It's been hard, celebrating Rennette's life, yet knowing we won't see her again on this earth. And it's been painful, revisiting the agony of those first few weeks after Myles was born. And it is overwhelming thinking about not going to youth group this fall.

But in all of this grief and pain, God's mercy and grace and faithfulness shines even more brightly. Rennette left a deep and rich legacy of laughter, authenticity, and God's mercy on all those she met. The Hannan's have seen the goodness of God, despite Myles' condition, and many have been touched by his story. And God has been so kind to have shown us, little by little and piece by piece, of what He wants us to do as we seek to serve Him. He hasn't shown us the whole picture, but He has been faithful to show us small step at a time.

In the midst of grief, we CAN know and take God at His Word!

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." - Isaiah 12:2

Youth workers retreat 2011

There are many events that are highly anticipated by our children.

Driving through the night to visit family.

Play dates with friends.

Having lunch at Taco Bell.

Going to Grandma and Papa's house.

Date nights with Daddy.

Seriously, I'm not kidding about the Taco Bell one...

But the one most anticipated each year is our church district youth workers retreat at Camp Shamineau in May.

Since the kids were old enough to remember, we've been going to camp and taking part in some of their favorite activities. (More about those in a minute.)

This weekend is a wonderful time to connect with other youth pastors and their wives as well as rest, share, encourage and uphold one another in prayer. For many of us, this is the only time we get to see each other face to face.

Our kids don't really know how soothing and refreshing this time is to our souls. We had many late night conversations with dear friends about their church experiences, seminary options, family hardships and others. Several of the wives stayed up very late the second evening to pray for our husbands and our marriages. It was a very, very sweet time.

But Sammy and Caleb still think going to camp is all about them...

Going to their special classes...playing on the tire swing...walking through the woods to get to the mess hall...

Little do they know that this weekend is really for us!

But we'll keep that secret to ourselves!

So, why do they love Camp Shamineau so much?

Maybe it's the pony rides on their favorite horse named Zach.

And yes, it was my children who would let every other horse go by and wait patiently for a turn on Zach.

It wasn't all about riding the horses, though. Caleb just loved hanging out at the horse barn...doing, you know...typical Caleb stuff.

While Sammy was waiting for her 9th or 10th or whatever number turn on Zach, Caleb also made several "roads" in the sand with his hands.

Just give this kid some dirt, and he will be entertained for hours!

Then it was off to make some "campfire donuts" and check out the nature center.

If you know my oldest, you are quite aware that she doesn't fear a whole lot. She sees every new situation as a challenge waiting to be tackled.

It was the same with this boa constrictor.

Well, that is until he started squirming into her coat pocket.

"Mommy, I did NOT like that ONE bit!"

At least, I think those were her exact words.

We decided to move onto other less squirmy animals.

Ahhhh! Much better!

I was surprised at how well Caleb did at holding the animals.

Even though he did a great job, I don't think he's ready for a pet any time soon.

Or maybe, I don't think any pet is ready for my Caleb.

Then it was off to play a little floor hockey with daddy.

Does Caleb not have the stance to be a real hockey player?

He was a natural.

But don't get any ideas, Caleb! Even though you were born in Minnesota, you cannot play the "never ending" and "money sucking" sport.

So sorry, Caleb!

Oh, and where was Hannah during all this fun? Most of the time she was in this position.

Just chilling and hanging out on my back. The rest of the time she was napping while we were galavanting around camp.

It's a bummer sometimes being the 3rd child!

Brad and I are so privileged to serve in a wonderful EFCA district. We have served along side some wonderful youth pastors and wives the last 7 years. Many have been serving longer than us. Some have moved on, but many have stayed. We realized this year that we are becoming some of the "veterans" of the group. There were many younger couples with smaller children who were fresh to ministry. Even though this year may have been our last time at the youth workers retreat, I know that God will continue to be glorified and these men and women will keep on being faithful to the teaching of His Word to a younger generation.