MOPS woes

I really enjoy going to MOPS every two weeks. I have a couple of good friends who overlap into my BSF discussion group or small group at church that I've gotten to know pretty well. I love all the great food...and the games, discussions, and speakers. Plus it's just wonderful dropping Sammy off in the nursery for two hours and knowing that she's being very well taken care of and getting to play with other children her age...plus, every parent LOVES free childcare!

But I've been feeling a little bit on the outside looking in when it comes to the women at my table. I know all of them through church or BSF, but they were a very tight group before I was placed at their table about a year ago. While I've made some improvements and have done some meal making and scrapbooking with them, I realized this past Tuesday that I'm still the odd man out.

I don't know if what sets me apart is that my children are much younger then most of theirs...most of them have older children with just one young child (4 or 5 years of age) still in MOPS...or if it's because they've been married longer and have much more income than Brad and I do...and some of them work at least part time as well.

Anyway, there were only 6 of us there on Tuesday. (The other two moms...who happen to kind of be in the same financial spot Brad and I are in were gone for some reason...lucky me.) And of the 6 of us, 5...or shall I say ALL the other women besides me...were taking a Disney cruise together the next week. (One of them works as a travel agent for Disney and organizes cruises and other Disney vacations for families.) And a lot of the discussion for that day was about the cruise and when they were leaving and making appointments to get manicures done and so forth.

Now I LOVE hearing about other people's trips and vacations, and maybe it was just the mood I was in, but I just couldn't help feeling sorry for myself. This is the tightest year financially for us, and we are just hoping and praying to save enough money for my grad school and for a cruise in 2 1/2 years. And while I'm so grateful for all that we have, it was so hard for me to not think about what I was missing out on. I was happy for them, really, but I was so sad that it will be YEARS before Brad and I can enjoy something like that.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better about it, and maybe I just have to spend some time thanking God for what He has blessed us with...and also asking forgiveness for being envious.

I guess it's just hard some days to be content. And no matter what season your in, there's always something more you are wishing for.

And today, I am really wishing for a vacation in the sun.

Pregnancy joys

I had been having a pretty blah week this week. I was extra tired from last weekend, I had a kind of rough time at MOPS, and I knew that Brad was AGAIN leaving for a youth retreat today.

But last night, around 7:30 p.m. I felt the baby move for the first time!

This pregnancy has been SO DIFFERENT than my last one. I've actually thrown up several times, had horrible constipation, heartburn, and indigestion, had headaches, a constant stuffy nose, and nose bleeds. These are all common symptoms that come along with being pregnant, but ones I had never experienced before. And I know they say "every pregnancy is different," but it really has been true for me.

I'm already 16 1/2 weeks and am ALREADY scheduling the ultrasound. It seems crazy how fast it has already flown by. And after hearing the baby's heartbeat a few weeks ago, and now having felt that little flutter (THREE TIMES) last night, it is becoming more and more real.

But it's sad that I haven't paid as much attention to this pregnancy as I did with Sammy's. I know I've got a toddler to chase around, but I want to really enjoy this...because I know there's a chance this might be my last one.

But for now, I am reveling in a good and safe pregnancy so far, a strong heartbeat, and the flutter of life inside me. What is happening in my womb is a miracle, plain and simple. It is something today that I want to sit back and meditate on. I want to spend a few moments in awe of what is truly happening to me...and not just take it for granted. I want to enjoy the fact that God blessed me enough to allow me to feel the joy and pains of motherhood.

And I want to make sure to praise the one who gave this gift to me: the great Creator and Life-giver.

Sick Sammy

Sammy had her first real bout of sickness this weekend, and it radically changed how I love, care, and pray for her. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

It all started on Friday afternoon when Sammy refused to take have a snack or a drink. I didn't think anything of it because she was going to eat supper in a couple of hours, and sometimes she didn't eat a snack if she had a large lunch. At 6:00, I put her in her high chair, and as I turned around to get her food ready, she threw up everywhere! Luckily most of it landed on her tray and her bib. I grabbed a huge towel, wrapped her up in it, and took her straight to the tub. Even though she had cried right before and right after vomiting, she seemed pretty happy in the tub. I got her cleaned up and held her until Brad got home so I could clean everything else up.

About an hour or so later, we checked her temp (which was normal) and gave her some much diluted apple juice. She threw that up about 5 minutes later. It was her bedtime, so after calling our parish nurse, I decided to put her to bed and give her 1/2 - 1 oz. of water every time she woke up throughout the night. (She had been waking up a couple of times a night the day or two before because she was cutting 3 teeth and had a little cold.) She woke up every 2-3 hours, and we gave her water each time and she managed to keep it down.

She slept most of the day on Saturday. She would wake up every 2-3 hours, and we'd give her water and some crackers and hold her, and within 30-45 minutes of waking up, she'd fall asleep in our arms and we'd put her back to bed. She didn't talk, play, walk, or really even move the ENTIRE day. It was a very long and (emotionally and physically) exhausting day for me.

By that evening, she had eaten a few crackers and some water and had kept everything down. She had wet (and soiled) diapers so I wasn't concerned about dehydration, but throughout the day, her temp had been on the rise and by 9:00 had risen to 103.3. I called our local nurse-line (by the end of the weekend I was on a first name basis with two of the nurses), and followed their advice. We gave Sammy some diluted Gatorade, unbundled her a little, and gave her some infant Tylenol. Throughout the night, her temp slowly came down, but then she started having diarrhea. I called the nurse-line again Sunday morning and continued to do what the nurse suggested. Sammy would still only drink a sip or two and eat 3-4 bites of applesauce or toast or crackers. She still didn't really move or whine or cry. She just seemed very, very exhausted.

The nurses told me that she probably had a G.I. tract infection and that it was following its course...vomiting, temperature, diarrhea...and so on. And I knew Sammy (and I) were lucky that she only threw up a couple of times and her fever only lasted around 12 hours, but that still didn't make me feel any better. I just wanted her to feel better and to chase her around the house. And it wasn't until Monday at noon that she began to eat more and walk a little around the house. Even today she's still not back to her old self.

Above are two pictures...one was taken a few days before she got sick...I just love her pig tails! The second one was taken on Saturday. That's exactly how she was for over 72 hours.

There were a lot of things that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle as a mother (like labor, nursing, changing stinky diapers, cleaning up vomit, etc.). But somehow I made it through, and I learned a lot along the way. Like...

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for Sammy.

Even though I say I put others first in my life, I really haven’t all the time…except for my child. Anything that I wanted to do for myself (or Brad or others) this past weekend was put on hold because Sammy was sick and she needed Mommy.

I really think the definition of selflessness is motherhood. Nothing has ever moved me like her tired, sick little face.

And, for a moment, I had the smallest, tiniest glimpse of how our Heavenly Father looks at us in our pain…with compassion, love, and open arms. And I know that I can trust Him to care for me, my family and friends, and my daughter.

Grad School Frustration and Success

Okay, I just have to vent for a second...and then share some very RELIEVING news! As part of my application for grad school, I have to have an updated record of my immunizations (measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria and tetanus). This appeared to be a pretty simple task...or so I thought.

So I first started looking for records for my most recent tetanus shot. I started with ALL the school districts I have worked for and ALL the clinics I went to while I was teaching at each school. There was no record of any tetanus shot. Okay, so then I skipped the tetanus shot...I was pretty confident that I would probably need a new one. No Problem! Moving on…

So then I had to find the rest. I started with my mother...bad idea! She knows she has the records SOMEWHERE in her house (but it would probably take her 3 weeks to find them.) So I then called the clinic I had them done at when I was a child. After waiting for THREE days for them to return my call, they said they couldn't find them anywhere, even on microfilm. (They said they really only keep records for 25 or so years...big help!) Then I called my grad school and asked their advice. Although the lady was very nice, she said I still had to have the month and year (even though my Mom SWEARS I had them done), so either I find records of them somewhere, or I need to GET THEM AGAIN! THAT'S RIGHT...AGAIN! Okay, so now I was on a mission. She also suggested I call my undergrad school and see if they have a record.

After being on hold for 12 minutes with Northwestern and having been transferred to THREE different places, I finally got a hold of health services. And then I learned they only carry those records for 10 years...1996. I was one year too late! So they suggested getting a hold of my elementary or high school. Well, I wasn't even sure if my elementary school still existed (I was in a class of 11 1st - 3rd graders with 1 other student in my grade.), so I went straight to my high school.

Well, Mona was my life-saver! She was sure Shiloh still had records, and after 10 minutes, she called me back with the month and year of all my shots! Praise!

Now I can finally fill out my form…and take an aspirin for my headache.

Apprehension

After many years of wanting and waiting, I am finally going to start my master's degree this fall. I looked at a lot of different options—like on-line programs, going to a school down in the Cities, and local programs—and I finally found one I liked and that friends and fellow teachers liked as well. I finished my application materials yesterday, and am going to send it in—hopefully today.

Now here's where the apprehension comes in. I've double-checked everything to be sent, re-read everything at least three times, and had Brad look through everything as well. But as I placed everything into the envelope this morning, a wave of doubt washed over me.

Am I really going to have time to do this? What if another youth pastor hasn't been hired and Brad is still running the youth program himself? I'm going to have a two year old and 2 month old when I start classes...what am I thinking? Oh, and where will the money come from?

While I am SO EXCITED about going to classes and writing papers and discussing education (and getting out of the house), I'm also a little scared. I've been out of teaching for almost two years, and I wonder whether it will "all come back to me." I may also be one of the only grad students who isn't currently in the classroom, and I fear that I will not glean all I can from the program because of it.

We’re all scared of taking risks or changing professions or moving across the country or going sky-diving. But that’s what makes life worth living. If we never tried anything new, we’d be very boring people who played it safe every day of our lives. And what would that teach our children…to never try anything because you could fail and THAT would be a bad thing?

There’s always a chance for failure, but failures cause us to grow in ways we never would. If nothing new was every attempted, we’d still be driving horse and buggies and writing letters by candlelight.

I think part of it is that I’m in a comfortable holding pattern here at home. Life’s good, why should I change it? Or, (what is truly the truth), I’m not in a rut yet, but I’m going to be heading there soon if I don’t do this now.

I don’t want to coast through life. I don’t want to simply play it safe day after day. I do long to try new things…even if they are hard. And I certainly want to teach Samantha (and her sibling) that taking risks are okay…the payoffs (and the possible failures) are totally worth it.

New Year's Eve

Brad and I went to our very first official New Year's Eve party this year! We have spent the last 7 years either at home by ourselves or with students. So it was great to spend the evening with three other couples from church.

We got together at 7:00, chatted, ate some food (everybody brought a bunch to share), and played with our kids (there were 5 total) until around 8:00. Then the three Davis kids went to bed in their own rooms, while Caleb and Sammy got the master bedroom and a very large closet. (Pack-n-plays are WONDERFUL things!) After they all quieted down, we played one of our favorite Aust (made-up) games called "The Name Game". We had a great time laughing and playing, and we got to know each other much better. Once everyone kinda got the feel for the game, we had to get out the video camera. (I wonder who's got that tape!) Some moments were just too good not to get on film!

We toasted the New Year in with some sparkling juice and good cheer. We even managed to sneak a quick kiss to our spouses! We played another game until around 1:30 and decided it was probably time to get home. Even though it was hard waking Sammy up, getting her dressed in her coat and hat, and putting her to bed AGAIN once we got home, it was well worth it. And, for the first time, I felt like we had friends here in Brainerd (which I TOTALLY should have already known), and it felt so good.

I have to say that for the first time in my 7 1/2 year marriage (and three major moves) that my introverted husband has planted roots quicker and made friends faster than my extroverted self. While my greatest wish (2 1/2 years ago) was for a church (and community) that was a good fit for Brad and me, it was a harder transition for me than I thought. Even though I was able to teach for a year and am now involved with MOPS and BSF, it's hard walking into preset groups of people...people who have known each other for years... and not feel like the odd man out. And even though I have made SO MUCH progress, I can't help but get SO EXCITED about seeing my Twin Cities friends this weekend.

It's hard to leave a place and people that feel so comfortable.

But the truth is, I am so blessed! And even though it takes time to get settled, what I have gained has been so worth it. Yes, we call Jonathan and Paula Davis our Brainerd gamers, but NOBODY will ever replace Andy and Dacia Olson in the Cities. And even though I compartmentalize our Brainerd and Twin Cities life and friends, we’re all members of God’s family and are going to be together in heaven some day.

And what a great day that will be!

Spending some time at my cesspool

Whenever Brad and I have a long road trip, we try to listen to some sermons on his laptop. Driving back home from ND after Christmas was no exception. We listened to an almost 2 hour sermon by Dave Busby entitled, "Tasting our Depravity." If you haven't read anything by Dave Busby or heard him preach, you need to because he really is a dynamic teacher. He faced many hardships and diseases in his life, like polio and cystic fibrosis, and although he died in 1997, his words still carry truth and life today.

Busby created and shared images and illustrations that I haven't been able to shake. He shared a statement he had heard somewhere that really made me think. It was something like, the greatest need the church has today is to come to terms with its own sin. We as Christians, myself included, seem to think we're doing okay...at least better than many around us, when in reality we have forgotten the depth and stench of our own sin.

Busby said that we all have to experience (taste and smell) the cesspool of our own sin, and that for some of us, we need to experience it often. Because once we forget, we forget just what Christ truly did for us on the Cross and our gratitude becomes less and less...and our lives on this earth (through our eyes) look better and better.

The word cesspool had a profound effect on me. The meaning of cesspool is a receptacle for sewage. And even with that grotesque image, it still cannot fully describe the depth of my sin.

Busby also shared how people generally fall into 2 groups concerning this topic. The first group realizes that they need to spend more time with their cesspool, so that it can break them, free them from a works theology, humble them, and qualify them to help other believers. But the second group needs to spend more time at the Cross so that they can see Christ and what was done for them and stop beating themselves up over past sin.

I immediately knew which group I was in. I needed to spend more time at my cesspool.

A few weeks ago, a fellow BSF member walked into our discussion group and said, "I don't know about you, but I feel particularly wretched this morning." That really hit me because this member is such a wonderful, godly woman...why should she feel wretched? Because, she is in touch with her cesspool. She does not fully forget the depth and grotesqueness of her sin. And she is incredibly humbled by her own shortcomings.

I, on the other hand, tend to think I'm doing alright. Yes, I have my moments of anger or envy or bitterness, but I am usually quick to ask forgiveness. Yes, I THOUGHT I was doing just fine. Until I spent some time at my cesspool and realized the disgusting, hidden places of sin in my life.

And it is dark and nasty and smelly and foul, and nothing about it is pleasant at all.

But the incredibly good news is that when I compare my cesspool to the righteousness of Christ, my gratitude pours from every fiber in my being. I am not just thankful for a moment; I am thankful for a lifetime. Because again, Jesus did not come to save the healthy, but the sick. And if I think I'm healthy all the time, I'm in some serious denial about the true state of my spiritual walk.

We all need to be growing in our faith and in our likeness to Christ, but in our growing we cannot forget about how terribly sinful we can still be. The moment we hear about another believer falling into sin, our first thought shouldn’t be, “I’d never do that.” It really should be, “I am also completely capable of doing that.”

Because, whether we want to admit it or not, we are all capable of the worst kinds of sin...and because of that, spending a little time at our own cesspools isn't such a bad idea.