Telling myself the truth

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my identity and who I truly am at my core. I used to think my identity was found in what I did, (teaching, being a youth pastor's wife, leading a small group, being a good friend, etc.) until recently my husband calmly told me that those things did not make me who I was. I know, in my head, that I am a daughter...the most beloved of God. And I know that by not letting that truth penetrate to my heart, I making it about me and not God, which is very self-centered and prideful.

Yet some days I feel so empty...wishing I could do more with my life than just play with my daughter, read her books, go for walks, etc. Don't hear me wrong! I am completely grateful for the time I have to be at home full time with her. I do not want to take that for granted or make little of the sacrifice that Brad and I make every day so that I can be home with Sammy. It's just...I wish there was more to my life.

A friend and I are currently reading through a book called Telling Yourself the Truth. It's about focusing in on the many misbeliefs in our lives, and replacing those misbeliefs with truth, God's truth. Even though I already knew this, this book reminded me that my feelings and behavior are subject and conditioned by the way I think about myself and the world around me. Like when I go to a friend's house and see how beautifully decorated it is, I begin to wish that I could afford a new couch for my house. Those thoughts make me feel sad, and I become unsatisfied with my house and the things in it. And when friends and family members can go on vacations and pay for airplane tickets and don't seem to be in want for anything financially, I wish that we had a little more money in our budget. Those thoughts also make me envious, and I begin to wonder if we will ever have enough money for a bigger house or for a trip on our 10 year anniversary.

But as I've been reading this book, I'm recognizing what misbeliefs I have in my life. Misbeliefs like, "I can't be fully happy and secure until we make more money," or "I don't want to let people down, and I want everyone to like me," or "I'm not fully satisfied about who I am unless I'm a MOPS discussion leader or a BSF leader or something like that where I'm using my gifts." Those thoughts are MISBELIEFS! What I need to be focusing on are God's truths like, "I have all that I need--God is the all provider and He cares for me even more than the sparrows," and "I have a beautiful house--it's not about keeping up with the neighbors, but about how I take care of the things God has given to me," and “I have been given opportunities every day to use my gifts with Sammy,” and "I don't have to get the approval of everyone around me; it's alright if I say 'no'."

God doesn't look at outward appearances...what we do for Him or how we look. He looks at our heart, and if my heart is full of envy or discontentment or is ungrateful, He is not pleased. So my prayer is that I will recognize the misbeliefs in my life and replace them so that my feelings and behavior reflect truth--God's perfect truth.

My little peanut

Brad and I took Sammy in for her one year appointment yesterday. She is, in my opinion, the bravest little girl! She took her two immunization shots and flu shot like a trooper! By the time we got her dressed and ready to go, there were no more tears, and she was all smiles.

But there has been one thing that has been a bit of a concern for me. My daughter is a very little girl. She's a peanut! When Sammy was weighted and measured, she ended up falling into the 5th percentile for both. That means that 95% of children her age are taller and weigh more than she does! Sammy weighted in at 17 lbs, 6 oz. Now that seems just fine to me...until I realized that one of Sammy's little friends, Miriam, (who is only 6 months old) weights around 18 lbs! Sammy's doctor assured us that it's okay that she's so little. She's healthy and doing exactly what she should be developmentally, and is a very content and happy little girl. She's very active, and may catch up with the rest of the children her age in the next couple of months.

I am really okay with Sammy being small. Brad and I are pretty small people anyway, so it shouldn't surprise me. But what sometimes eats at me are the lies I hear in my head. Lies like, "You must not be feeding her enough," or "There must be something you're doing wrong," or "This is this going to affect her when she gets older...she's going to get teased because of her size."

I love being a mother, but sometimes I think that being a teacher was so much easier.

I loved being a teacher. I was a really good teacher, and I totally knew what I was doing in the classroom. I had been trained at a great college, and had learned from other great teachers. But mothering? I didn't have to get a four year degree for that. I didn't have to go through a long interview with a school district. I didn't need a license to become one. And I only took 10 hours of classes at my local hospital before I became one. No, I was way better trained to be a teacher than a mother.

I think every mother is unsure of herself. We think, "am I doing this right?" We always have self-doubt, and sometimes lack the confidence to live each day with a baby. We listen to what other people say we SHOULD be doing with our child, and then we beat ourselves up that other moms seem to be doing things so much better than we are.

But today I am not going to listen to those lies. Today I'm going to have confidence in myself as a mother. I know my daughter far better than any other person on this planet, and I daily do what I think is best for her. It's okay that she's not as big as her younger cousin Kaitlyn or that she's still wearing some 3-6 month clothes. It's not a competition or a race. God has created her just as she is, and in His eyes (and mine), she is perfect.

Confessions of a housewife

I have a confession to make. Now before I come clean, I have to give some background information. I love people, (I am an extrovert by nature.) and I love to cook. So it only makes sense that I would become the "hostess with the mostest." Now, my confession has nothing to do with the "hosting" part--I love to host, but it has to do with what happens before people (including the teenagers in our youth group) come over.

We have had people at our house 4 out of the last 6 weekends. Now the fact that we are SO BUSY is a topic for my blog another time, but the point is that I had to cook, clean, and prepare for company almost every week for 6 weeks. This is where my confession lies...I am an out of control, over compulsive cleaner, organizer, and neat freak. Even though I may have just cleaned the toilet 2 days ago, if we have company coming, it needs to be cleaned again. My bed has to be made every day...or else I can't seem to focus on anything else. Every mirror in my house must be clean of Sammy's little fingerprints before anyone walks through my front door. I have to have plenty of veggies, fruit, and snacks in my house for anyone who gets hungry. And I force (yes, sometimes I don't even ask nicely) my husband to help vacuum and wipe the dishes. I fly into such a panic getting everything ready for company that I'm usually working on something right up to the time people arrive.

Dr. Phil always says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." So this is my complete acknowledgement of the person I am. Now I have greatly relaxed over the years...if I don't have every meal prepared before company comes, I don't lose THAT much sleep over it...only a couple of hours. And I don't try to clean up Sammy's toys 30 seconds after she's played with them. And I don't blow up at my husband anymore if he does a quick job vacuuming and leaves one crumb on the carpet. I can even let the dishes pile up in my sink for at least a day, even though it still sometimes drives me crazy.

And what I've learned about my compulsive behavior is that it's not God honoring. I'm making THINGS more important than PEOPLE. I am giving a foothold for anger to creep into my marriage. I am working myself up so that I grimace every time I think of having people over.

I think Dr. Phil is right. But now that I acknowledge how I am, I can continue to change to a more laid back, easy going hostess. Because it is truly about people and quality time spent with them and less and less about what my house looks like or what meals I make. Because, as my husband always reminds me, "people come to see us, not our house." He does make a really good point from time to time.

A year of miracles

Yesterday was my daughter's 1st birthday, and it was a wonderful day! Not only because of the fun, food, and friends and remembering how she has changed and grown over the last year, but also because of how I've changed and grown because of her.

Nothing can prepare you for being a parent. NOTHING. I thought that since we had been married 6 years, finally had bought a house, were (relatively) financially secure, and walked beside many friends with children, that transitioning into parenthood would be pretty easy. Like I said, nothing can prepare you for parenthood. Everything I ever was and everything I ever thought I knew, changed when Sammy was laid on my chest at 7:04 a.m. Saturday, October 22, 2005.

And how have I changed? I have incredible patience when it comes to her. (I'm still working on having more patience with my husband though!) I have so much more sympathy and empathy for others because of her...tears flow so much more because Sammy has touched my heart so deeply. Little things don't bother me quite as much. Life with a baby (well, now she's more of a toddler) has made me more laid back, the laundry doesn't have to get done today and I can let Sammy take out EVERY piece of tupperware...even though having plastic dishes all over my kitchen floor would have driven me crazy a year ago.

Many friends came to our house to celebrate with us, and many more friends and family called to wish Sammy a happy birthday. But when my mom called, she asked how I was doing before she asked about Sammy. Because while October 22 is Sammy's birthday, it is also a very special day for me. It was the hardest day of my life. It was painful and hard and rewarding and joyful. (And I know that every mother out there can relate.) It was a day that I became a mother and found strength in myself I didn't know I had.

God is truly a God of miracles. Not only did He knit Sammy perfectly together in my womb and thus miraculously breathe life into my body, but He also miraculously breathed life into my soul and made me a mother...with instinct and love and a nurturing heart. So as I celebrated Sammy's first year of life and the joy that she is, I also celebrated my first year as a mom, and the miracle that God did in me.

Seize the day

I love Sammy's morning nap time. I know that she may soon stop taking a morning nap, but for now I really bask in it. And I love the quiet of my house. The dryer is lightly humming in the background, a fire is (FINALLY--it was me against the fire this morning, and I eventually won) roaring in my fireplace, and I'm fully dressed for the day (thanks Gianna...I love flylady.net!). Almost all the leaves have fallen and there's a chilly nip in the outside air.

But how often I wake up, not wanting to get out of bed, to stay in my pajamas until the afternoon, and waste away Sammy's naps by playing spider solitaire or cruising the web? I complain to others and even tell myself that my days are so boring, so repetitive, so lonely. But in reality they are such a gift...a gift I may never fully grasp until my children are older and I'm teaching full time again. I have time (almost) every day to connect with God, email friends, and play with my daughter...and what a joy that is! So then, when that realization hits me (and it hits me often), I feel SO GUILTY about my bad attitude and lack of motivation. There are so many mothers who wish for a life like mine. And then I am struck with DISAPPOINTMENT....God's disappointment in me, my husband's disappointment with me, and my own disappointment with myself. And then I don't feel like getting out of bed....and so the cycle continues. Am I the only one who goes through this?

But today, I am putting all my priorities in the right place. Get up, care for Sammy, get dressed, spend time with God, play on the internet....just a little, and then get plugging away at my list of things to do. It's Sammy's 1st birthday on Sunday, and I'm tired of always living in the past (teaching full time, living in the Cities, etc.) or dreaming about the future (getting pregnant, getting my master's degree, teaching again, etc.). A whole year has gone by, and what do I have to show for it? No, today I will "seize the day," and I hope you will too.

A new beginning

I have been wanting for some time now to create a myspace or a blog. Although my students would love for me to have a myspace, it's just too much of a teeny-bopper thing to me...and a little too complicated. (Sorry guys!) But I desire a place where I can write about what I'm learning about God and myself...and a place to chat with others about what they are learning too. There is so much value in community, and as my community has become less and less the last two years, I long for that again in my life. So here we go!