I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my identity and who I truly am at my core. I used to think my identity was found in what I did, (teaching, being a youth pastor's wife, leading a small group, being a good friend, etc.) until recently my husband calmly told me that those things did not make me who I was. I know, in my head, that I am a daughter...the most beloved of God. And I know that by not letting that truth penetrate to my heart, I making it about me and not God, which is very self-centered and prideful.
Yet some days I feel so empty...wishing I could do more with my life than just play with my daughter, read her books, go for walks, etc. Don't hear me wrong! I am completely grateful for the time I have to be at home full time with her. I do not want to take that for granted or make little of the sacrifice that Brad and I make every day so that I can be home with Sammy. It's just...I wish there was more to my life.
A friend and I are currently reading through a book called Telling Yourself the Truth. It's about focusing in on the many misbeliefs in our lives, and replacing those misbeliefs with truth, God's truth. Even though I already knew this, this book reminded me that my feelings and behavior are subject and conditioned by the way I think about myself and the world around me. Like when I go to a friend's house and see how beautifully decorated it is, I begin to wish that I could afford a new couch for my house. Those thoughts make me feel sad, and I become unsatisfied with my house and the things in it. And when friends and family members can go on vacations and pay for airplane tickets and don't seem to be in want for anything financially, I wish that we had a little more money in our budget. Those thoughts also make me envious, and I begin to wonder if we will ever have enough money for a bigger house or for a trip on our 10 year anniversary.
But as I've been reading this book, I'm recognizing what misbeliefs I have in my life. Misbeliefs like, "I can't be fully happy and secure until we make more money," or "I don't want to let people down, and I want everyone to like me," or "I'm not fully satisfied about who I am unless I'm a MOPS discussion leader or a BSF leader or something like that where I'm using my gifts." Those thoughts are MISBELIEFS! What I need to be focusing on are God's truths like, "I have all that I need--God is the all provider and He cares for me even more than the sparrows," and "I have a beautiful house--it's not about keeping up with the neighbors, but about how I take care of the things God has given to me," and “I have been given opportunities every day to use my gifts with Sammy,” and "I don't have to get the approval of everyone around me; it's alright if I say 'no'."
God doesn't look at outward appearances...what we do for Him or how we look. He looks at our heart, and if my heart is full of envy or discontentment or is ungrateful, He is not pleased. So my prayer is that I will recognize the misbeliefs in my life and replace them so that my feelings and behavior reflect truth--God's perfect truth.
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