It's Monday, and Brad is back at work today.
Brad's mom is back in NC, and after a short visit from my parents last week, they, too, are at home in ND.
I'm on my own again.
Each day is getting easier, but some days are incredibly hard.
I think those hard days primarily have to do with lack of sleep...
...but it's not just that.
During the many, many hours that I nurse each day, I've been trying to figure out why it is so much harder this time around.
I mean, aside from the fact that our children now outnumber us...
I really don't have the brain power to over analyze, but I'm trying to understand what the main issues are so that we can make some changes...
before I go insane.
Over the course of the last few days, I've come up with some random thoughts...
Even though I had a really great delivery, Hannah and I were still in the hospital (and away from our family) for 4 out of 7 days. That was rough on us and on Sammy and Caleb. Then she wasn't gaining weight and had really bad jaundice. Because of that, I was nursing like crazy. I was so preoccupied with her gaining weight, I really didn't have time for much else.
In addition to that craziness...
Brad and I haven't had a date night in over 3 weeks and because of his work schedule, and we haven't had much time to talk about anything but our kids and when Hannah has to eat next...
We have not been able to figure out how we are going to do Sabbath (2-3 hours alone with God) each week...Sleep is currently trumping Sabbath, but we're beginning to feel the toll it's taking on us by not spending time reading God's Word and in quiet time with Him.
Our schedule is way CRAZY busy...just this week alone, here's what's on the agenda.
Sunday (yesterday) - taught Sunday School, went to church, Brad had Mosaic (student leadership), and soccer (of which Brad skipped this week so that I could get a nap)
Monday - church congregational meeting (of which I'm going to probably have to skip...)
Tuesday - Titus 2 ministry in the morning. As for the evening, nothing so far, but we have a list of things to get done at home...like give Brad a much needed hair cut.
Wednesday - youth group
Thursday - BSF in the morning and dinner in the evening with some youth volunteers to discuss the next year
Friday - girl's night with my Sunday School class
Saturday - Brad's date with Sammy
Seriously, this has GOT to change!
I also need to get groceries, run a bunch of little errands, and return the stock-pile of dishes from the many meals cooked by wonderful friends.
I'm trying to give myself some grace, I mean, who really cares if my dirty dishes are everywhere and I have several loads of laundry to fold?
I fear though, at the heart of my issue, is control and a lack of willingness to adjust to the "new normal."
I want to continue to go at my old pace. I want to look like I have it all together. I want to spend time with each child, have a clean house, have some time for me, go on a date with my hubby, and still have the energy and passion to spend time with God.
I know, I'm living in a dream world.
What I need to do is focus on what is most important...caring for my children (and making sure they are fed and loved each day), making time for my husband, finding the time to take a shower (man...a hot shower can TOTALLY make my day), and figuring out how to spend a few minutes with God each day.
The rest...like doing the dishes, folding laundry, running errands, writing a million thank you cards to friends, returning maternity clothes and even blogging...will just have to wait.
So, while Hannah and Caleb sleep, I'm going to spend some much needed time with Sammy...and hopefully, read from God's Word.
Because...what good is it to feed my stomach if I'm not feeding my soul...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
On a warm day in March
I had started this post a few days before Hannah was born and completely forgot about it!
Can't imagine why...
Anyway, I just have to post these pictures because I want to remember the year that...
...we did NOT have a snowstorm in Minnesota in March.
That's right...no foot of snow...no shoveling...no putting on insane amounts of snow gear on the kiddos.
If you don't know, March and April are the snowiest months (usually) for Minnesota.
And, not only did we receive just a trace of flurries, but...
...it was warm enough to wash both of our vehicles.
outside
...and NOT at a gas station car wash.
Caleb had the time of his life helping Brad spray down our mini-van.
I love it that my children think chores like this are actually fun!
I wonder how long it will be until they stop thinking that way!
Oh, Caleb. Your obsession with wearing camoflauge really needs to end. You are going to be quite hot and sweaty this summer if you continue to wear your fleece camo shirt every day!
He really does look like a pro, doesn't he! Not bad for a 2 1/2 year old!
One of the best parts...playing with buckets of water.
Can't imagine why...
Anyway, I just have to post these pictures because I want to remember the year that...
...we did NOT have a snowstorm in Minnesota in March.
That's right...no foot of snow...no shoveling...no putting on insane amounts of snow gear on the kiddos.
If you don't know, March and April are the snowiest months (usually) for Minnesota.
And, not only did we receive just a trace of flurries, but...
...it was warm enough to wash both of our vehicles.
outside
...and NOT at a gas station car wash.
Caleb had the time of his life helping Brad spray down our mini-van.
I love it that my children think chores like this are actually fun!
I wonder how long it will be until they stop thinking that way!
Oh, Caleb. Your obsession with wearing camoflauge really needs to end. You are going to be quite hot and sweaty this summer if you continue to wear your fleece camo shirt every day!
He really does look like a pro, doesn't he! Not bad for a 2 1/2 year old!
One of the best parts...playing with buckets of water.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
And then there were five...
Introducing Hannah Joy Aust...
(Let's just ignore the fact that this post is coming over a week and a half after her birth.)
Since I've become a mother about 4 and half years ago, I have loved hearing about birth stories. I think if we had cable, I would watch A Baby Story non-stop.
I think giving birth is one of the most amazing things that women can experience...despite the pain, contractions, blood...and so on.
I never get tired of telling my children about how they entered this world, and I never get tired of looking at the pictures of their birth and reliving those wonderful days in my mind.
Hannah Joy's birth was just as amazing as Sammy and Caleb's...though she came a LOT faster than the other two.
Tuesday, April 6 began like every other day. I was incredibly uncomfortable, my feet were terribly swollen, and I was plain old tired of being pregnant.
I remember dropping something on the kitchen floor and standing there thinking, "it's really not worth it trying to bend over and get it..." Thank goodness I had Sammy around to pick it up for me!
Sammy and I went to my 3:30 appointment, and I learned I was dilated to 3 and about 90% effaced. Within a few hours, I began to think that my water had begun to leak. It wasn't the rush of water I felt when my water broke with Sammy, but I just felt something was going to happen that night.
So, after convincing Brad to let us go out to eat at Perkins (it was a Tuesday night and the kids ate free), I began to feel contractions.
But they were nothing like what I had with my other two children. I had always heard about contractions starting out small, but I had never had that. Once my water broke with both Sammy and Caleb, I was in active labor and the contractions were HARD.
At about 6:30, I think contractions began. We finished eating, headed home, did dishes, tidied up the house (yes, I was either nesting or procrastinating!) and I called one of our youth group students just to check to see if she was able to come over and sleep with the kids that night...just in case. By 10:00, I felt more confident that I was actually feeling contractions.
We got to the hospital around 10:45. When I finally got checked at 11:30, I was only dilated to a 4.
It was then that I thought..."it's going to be a LONG night..."
But I was bound and determined to do everything I could to move things along. So Brad and I started walking the halls. By 12:45 a.m., I progressed to a 6 and at 1:00 I could feel my body start to fight against the contractions. I asked the nurses to call my doctor, who, by the way, tries to deliver all of her patients' babies, not matter what time of day.
She also is the only doctor in town that does a para cervical block...which is a drug straight from heaven!
The nurse checked me again around 1:15, and I was at a 7.
All I kept thinking was, "when is Dr. Rice going to get here!!!"
Around 1:30, Dr. Rice arrived, and after checking my progress, she told me to give it one or two more contractions. I remember thinking, "just give me the drug!"
As a side note...after Hannah arrived, Dr. Rice took my hand and said, "I knew there wasn't going to be time for the para cervical block because the baby was already coming. I also knew I couldn't tell you that you weren't going to be able to get it. I'm so sorry."
Nope, pretty sure she did the right thing.
I would have completely flipped out if she had told me no drugs.
Anyway, about 10 minutes later, while the nurses were still getting the room ready, I felt like I had to push. Dr. Rice broke my water, and after 1 LONG push, and a couple of small ones, Hannah entered the world. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, but Dr. Rice quickly removed it.
Praise God that she came as fast as she did!
Brad was one proud daddy!
After Hannah was born, Brad and I were able to sleep a bit, and in the morning, Brad brought Sammy and Caleb over to meet their new sister.
They are both pretty smitten with her!
What a joy it was to spend some time getting to know our third child.
I love calling Sammy and Hannah -- "the girls."
What a sweet little thing!
Daddy loves his little girl! Aren't they cute!
And then there were five...
Welcome to our world, little Hannah Joy!
(Let's just ignore the fact that this post is coming over a week and a half after her birth.)
Since I've become a mother about 4 and half years ago, I have loved hearing about birth stories. I think if we had cable, I would watch A Baby Story non-stop.
I think giving birth is one of the most amazing things that women can experience...despite the pain, contractions, blood...and so on.
I never get tired of telling my children about how they entered this world, and I never get tired of looking at the pictures of their birth and reliving those wonderful days in my mind.
Hannah Joy's birth was just as amazing as Sammy and Caleb's...though she came a LOT faster than the other two.
Tuesday, April 6 began like every other day. I was incredibly uncomfortable, my feet were terribly swollen, and I was plain old tired of being pregnant.
I remember dropping something on the kitchen floor and standing there thinking, "it's really not worth it trying to bend over and get it..." Thank goodness I had Sammy around to pick it up for me!
Sammy and I went to my 3:30 appointment, and I learned I was dilated to 3 and about 90% effaced. Within a few hours, I began to think that my water had begun to leak. It wasn't the rush of water I felt when my water broke with Sammy, but I just felt something was going to happen that night.
So, after convincing Brad to let us go out to eat at Perkins (it was a Tuesday night and the kids ate free), I began to feel contractions.
But they were nothing like what I had with my other two children. I had always heard about contractions starting out small, but I had never had that. Once my water broke with both Sammy and Caleb, I was in active labor and the contractions were HARD.
At about 6:30, I think contractions began. We finished eating, headed home, did dishes, tidied up the house (yes, I was either nesting or procrastinating!) and I called one of our youth group students just to check to see if she was able to come over and sleep with the kids that night...just in case. By 10:00, I felt more confident that I was actually feeling contractions.
We got to the hospital around 10:45. When I finally got checked at 11:30, I was only dilated to a 4.
It was then that I thought..."it's going to be a LONG night..."
But I was bound and determined to do everything I could to move things along. So Brad and I started walking the halls. By 12:45 a.m., I progressed to a 6 and at 1:00 I could feel my body start to fight against the contractions. I asked the nurses to call my doctor, who, by the way, tries to deliver all of her patients' babies, not matter what time of day.
She also is the only doctor in town that does a para cervical block...which is a drug straight from heaven!
The nurse checked me again around 1:15, and I was at a 7.
All I kept thinking was, "when is Dr. Rice going to get here!!!"
Around 1:30, Dr. Rice arrived, and after checking my progress, she told me to give it one or two more contractions. I remember thinking, "just give me the drug!"
As a side note...after Hannah arrived, Dr. Rice took my hand and said, "I knew there wasn't going to be time for the para cervical block because the baby was already coming. I also knew I couldn't tell you that you weren't going to be able to get it. I'm so sorry."
Nope, pretty sure she did the right thing.
I would have completely flipped out if she had told me no drugs.
Anyway, about 10 minutes later, while the nurses were still getting the room ready, I felt like I had to push. Dr. Rice broke my water, and after 1 LONG push, and a couple of small ones, Hannah entered the world. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, but Dr. Rice quickly removed it.
Praise God that she came as fast as she did!
Brad was one proud daddy!
After Hannah was born, Brad and I were able to sleep a bit, and in the morning, Brad brought Sammy and Caleb over to meet their new sister.
They are both pretty smitten with her!
What a joy it was to spend some time getting to know our third child.
I love calling Sammy and Hannah -- "the girls."
What a sweet little thing!
Daddy loves his little girl! Aren't they cute!
And then there were five...
Welcome to our world, little Hannah Joy!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Where am I?
I had really wanted my first post...
after a very LONG break from blogging...
due to a certain adorable little girl...
to be completely about my wonderful (wait, did I just write that?) labor and delivery exactly 1 week ago.
But...
instead...
I am back in the hospital with my sweet, precious girl...
and apart from the rest of my family.
Hannah's bilirubin levels were really high, so at her appointment yesterday, her doctor recommended that we admit her.
And it really sucks.
I know it is only temporary. Brad is able to be at home some with the kids throughout the day. My mother in law is here, and she has been a great help.
But I just don't want to be here. I want to be at home with my children. I want to be adjusting to the craziness that 3 children bring. I want to cuddle my little guy and brush my daughter's hair.
I just want to go home.
And after a long night, I just found out her levels are still too high.
So here I sit. Missing my children. Missing my husband.
And trying to be content where God has me.
Oh...and I can't even upload pictures of Hannah yet...since they are on our home computer.
But stay tuned...you won't want to miss pictures of sweet little Hannah Joy.
She is truly worth the wait and worth every minute of sitting in this lonely hospital room.
after a very LONG break from blogging...
due to a certain adorable little girl...
to be completely about my wonderful (wait, did I just write that?) labor and delivery exactly 1 week ago.
But...
instead...
I am back in the hospital with my sweet, precious girl...
and apart from the rest of my family.
Hannah's bilirubin levels were really high, so at her appointment yesterday, her doctor recommended that we admit her.
And it really sucks.
I know it is only temporary. Brad is able to be at home some with the kids throughout the day. My mother in law is here, and she has been a great help.
But I just don't want to be here. I want to be at home with my children. I want to be adjusting to the craziness that 3 children bring. I want to cuddle my little guy and brush my daughter's hair.
I just want to go home.
And after a long night, I just found out her levels are still too high.
So here I sit. Missing my children. Missing my husband.
And trying to be content where God has me.
Oh...and I can't even upload pictures of Hannah yet...since they are on our home computer.
But stay tuned...you won't want to miss pictures of sweet little Hannah Joy.
She is truly worth the wait and worth every minute of sitting in this lonely hospital room.
Monday, April 05, 2010
What we've been doing...
I have been anxiously awaiting some sign of Baby Girl's arrival.
As of right now...NOTHING!
She's not being a very compliant child...
But the kids haven't been phased by this at all. They've been quite busy...playing. And playing quite well with each other, I might add.
Here's what they have been up to.
On the days that I just don't have the energy to actually take them outside for a real picnic, Sammy has been pretty creative with impromtu picnics indoors.
I swear Sammy has more imagination in her pinkie finger than I do in my entire body!
Oh, and please take notice of the "elephant" tent in the background. That has served as an "ark" and a "zoo" for all of their stuffed animals.
After finding all of the "baby" toys, Sammy had to test them to make sure they were "still good" for her baby sister. Organizing all the baby toys has been like having Christmas at our house!
One morning, Sammy decided that all her toys needed to have a "meeting." That's right, every pony, princess, and plastic farm animal had to attend.
It was all going really well, until Caleb decided his Lightning McQueen had to "break up" the party.
As you can imagine, many, many tears ensued....
Brad also has quite an addiction to cilantro. He is bound and determined to grow our own this summer. So he planted 2 pots worth of seeds.
The kids loved helping him. Because, really, what is better than playing with dirt!
So even though I am loving every moment I have with my two children, I really do hope Baby Girl decides to come soon.
My swelling ankles do too!
As of right now...NOTHING!
She's not being a very compliant child...
But the kids haven't been phased by this at all. They've been quite busy...playing. And playing quite well with each other, I might add.
Here's what they have been up to.
On the days that I just don't have the energy to actually take them outside for a real picnic, Sammy has been pretty creative with impromtu picnics indoors.
I swear Sammy has more imagination in her pinkie finger than I do in my entire body!
Oh, and please take notice of the "elephant" tent in the background. That has served as an "ark" and a "zoo" for all of their stuffed animals.
After finding all of the "baby" toys, Sammy had to test them to make sure they were "still good" for her baby sister. Organizing all the baby toys has been like having Christmas at our house!
One morning, Sammy decided that all her toys needed to have a "meeting." That's right, every pony, princess, and plastic farm animal had to attend.
It was all going really well, until Caleb decided his Lightning McQueen had to "break up" the party.
As you can imagine, many, many tears ensued....
Brad also has quite an addiction to cilantro. He is bound and determined to grow our own this summer. So he planted 2 pots worth of seeds.
The kids loved helping him. Because, really, what is better than playing with dirt!
So even though I am loving every moment I have with my two children, I really do hope Baby Girl decides to come soon.
My swelling ankles do too!
Friday, April 02, 2010
To seek and save the lost...
It has been a long day...and a long week. And as I sit here tonight, at this late hour, I realize it has been a long last few months.
I had another post started which I had hoped to finish tonight...
But my heart is just too heavy.
I'm grieving inside for hurting friends. For people in my life that are in great pain.
For some, the pain has been caused by their own hands. For others, the pain has been caused by someone else...someone dear to them.
I'm also grieving over missed opportunities...personal blindness that is caused by pride...lack of reconciliation and humble attitudes among people I love and respect...and unteachable spirits.
But it's not just my friends that I am spent for.
I am also grieving over a hurtful conversation I had with a friend earlier today.
And as I read the story of Christ's betrayal, sentencing, and death to my children tonight, I feel like I am under a cloud of darkness like many of the disciples and other Christ-followers were that day.
Christ was dead. Their priest was gone. Their hearts were broken. They didn't know (fully) how the story was going to end.
And I don't know how my story...my family's story...my hurting friends' stories...or even the story of my relationship with this friend...will end.
So, I sit here in the dark, as my husband and children sleep, and try to align my head and my heart...
Try to align God's infallible truth AND my current, very hormonal and out of whack, almost 9 months pregnant, emotions.
My emotions are saying...
Why are people acting this way? Why are people not going straight to the one they feel has wronged them? Why do they feel free to discuss their issues and hurt feelings with others? Why are people so afraid? Is the fear of man really more powerful than the fear of God? Why are people so afraid to be criticized? Shouldn't we all want to learn and grow from our mistakes or ways that we have hurt one another? Where is grace? Where is mercy? Where is humility?
But my mind tells me...
What are the logs in my eye? Am I any different? Do I speak God's truth into other's lives, or are my challenges simply that...my challenges. Am I humble? Am I gracious? Am I full of mercy? Didn't Christ come to save ALL of us. Didn't He die to cover ALL our sins?
It is easy to criticize...anyone can do that. It's much harder to be humble and be accountable for hurtful actions and words.
And we...I especially...are/am guilty of having critical hearts.
So, what am I going to do with my emotions? (Which, by the way, are NOT always reality.)
I'm going to filter them through God's standard...His TRUTH...
And the TRUTH says...
"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" - II Corinthians 12:9
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another, forgiving as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13
"Endure hardships as discipline; God is treating you as sons." - Hebrews 12:7a
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." - James 1:19-20
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." - I John 3:18
"May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." - John 17:23
This is what God desires from us...all of us who call ourselves Christians. We are the body of Christ, and He wants us to start acting like it. We all have areas of captivity...sin that we cannot break free from on our own. We need God. We need His convicting Spirit. We need one another. We need other members of the body of Christ another to speak God's truth into our lives. And we need to do that (give and receive) graciously and humbly.
I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me, my family, or my dear friends. But I am trusting in the One who does know what tomorrow holds.
For I could go to sleep tonight, paralyzed in grief and fear...much like those disciples were...with the doors locked for fear of the Jews...or I can rest in His Word...
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my HOPE comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." - Psalm 62:5-7
...AND in the finished work of Christ...because I know something the disciples did NOT know on that dark day over 2,000 years ago...
"The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; He has risen, just as He said.'" - Matthew 28:5-6
I had another post started which I had hoped to finish tonight...
But my heart is just too heavy.
I'm grieving inside for hurting friends. For people in my life that are in great pain.
For some, the pain has been caused by their own hands. For others, the pain has been caused by someone else...someone dear to them.
I'm also grieving over missed opportunities...personal blindness that is caused by pride...lack of reconciliation and humble attitudes among people I love and respect...and unteachable spirits.
But it's not just my friends that I am spent for.
I am also grieving over a hurtful conversation I had with a friend earlier today.
And as I read the story of Christ's betrayal, sentencing, and death to my children tonight, I feel like I am under a cloud of darkness like many of the disciples and other Christ-followers were that day.
Christ was dead. Their priest was gone. Their hearts were broken. They didn't know (fully) how the story was going to end.
And I don't know how my story...my family's story...my hurting friends' stories...or even the story of my relationship with this friend...will end.
So, I sit here in the dark, as my husband and children sleep, and try to align my head and my heart...
Try to align God's infallible truth AND my current, very hormonal and out of whack, almost 9 months pregnant, emotions.
My emotions are saying...
Why are people acting this way? Why are people not going straight to the one they feel has wronged them? Why do they feel free to discuss their issues and hurt feelings with others? Why are people so afraid? Is the fear of man really more powerful than the fear of God? Why are people so afraid to be criticized? Shouldn't we all want to learn and grow from our mistakes or ways that we have hurt one another? Where is grace? Where is mercy? Where is humility?
But my mind tells me...
What are the logs in my eye? Am I any different? Do I speak God's truth into other's lives, or are my challenges simply that...my challenges. Am I humble? Am I gracious? Am I full of mercy? Didn't Christ come to save ALL of us. Didn't He die to cover ALL our sins?
It is easy to criticize...anyone can do that. It's much harder to be humble and be accountable for hurtful actions and words.
And we...I especially...are/am guilty of having critical hearts.
So, what am I going to do with my emotions? (Which, by the way, are NOT always reality.)
I'm going to filter them through God's standard...His TRUTH...
And the TRUTH says...
"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" - II Corinthians 12:9
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another, forgiving as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13
"Endure hardships as discipline; God is treating you as sons." - Hebrews 12:7a
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." - James 1:19-20
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." - I John 3:18
"May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." - John 17:23
This is what God desires from us...all of us who call ourselves Christians. We are the body of Christ, and He wants us to start acting like it. We all have areas of captivity...sin that we cannot break free from on our own. We need God. We need His convicting Spirit. We need one another. We need other members of the body of Christ another to speak God's truth into our lives. And we need to do that (give and receive) graciously and humbly.
I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me, my family, or my dear friends. But I am trusting in the One who does know what tomorrow holds.
For I could go to sleep tonight, paralyzed in grief and fear...much like those disciples were...with the doors locked for fear of the Jews...or I can rest in His Word...
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my HOPE comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." - Psalm 62:5-7
...AND in the finished work of Christ...because I know something the disciples did NOT know on that dark day over 2,000 years ago...
"The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; He has risen, just as He said.'" - Matthew 28:5-6
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