I miss me.

As I write, there is a sweet baby girl jabbering beside me.

A cute 1 year old boy sleeping in a pack-n-play in my bedroom.

Another handsome 3 year old boy is out cold in his bunk bed...dreaming about trucks, dirt, and trains...

An imaginative 4 year old girl is currently having a tea party with her 8 year old friend...and they are asking so very politely for 2 more cookies.

The house? A disaster.

This is my life at this very moment in time.

And I've been fighting it...not enjoying it...wishing it away.

Even now, feeling like I have 5 children under control for the moment, I am struggling with truly living in this craziness...abundantly living and enjoying the sweetness of this brief time in my life.

Maybe I'm just tired.

I'm tired of Hannah waking up at 4:00 a.m for yet another feeding. Really? Apparently she forgot she could sleep through the night. Might be time for a bit more rice cereal...

I'm tired of putting Brad, his job, and some extra stuff he's working on ahead of my needs...

I'm tired of trying harder to parent...reading books and being intentional more...

I'm tired of what lack of sleep and busyness does to me...

I'm tired of seeing the extra weight on my body due to 3 pregnancies...

At a ladies function last week, a friend at my table shared with us a conversation she had with a young mom. She asked her what she missed most about her life since becoming a mother. She said...

"me."

Yes! That's it! I miss ME!

I miss scrapbooking with friends. I miss having time to blog regularly. I miss going for runs. I miss getting a full night's sleep. I miss being spontaneous with Brad. I miss what life was like 1 year ago before Brad shifted into a new role at work.

And I'm just sad about it.

But, a sweet baby girl calls my attention. She is longing to be held and talked to. So I will whisk her away, read her Goodnight Moon, sing her "Jesus Loves Me" and place her in her crib. Then I will tackle the dishes, help the girls clean up their tea party, and maybe even think about supper.

Because, while I want to be real with how I feel, I know that my feelings DO NOT dictate reality.

I do know that I will have some time (some day) to scrapbook, and that playing trains with Caleb is more important than blogging, and that my messy house is proof of children's play.

And as I hear Sammy erupt into giggles and see Hannah's quite chubby smiling face...

I know it's all worth it...

Catching up...round 1 (with the Wiese cousins)

Some time ago...well, like almost 2 months ago, Brad and I drove to Fargo to hang out with my parents and see my brother and his kids. It was a long day, but was well worth the 5 hour round trip to see everyone and hang out together.

Nikki, my sister-in-law, heard about this thing going on at one of the area parks. When we got there, several huge inflatables were scattered throughout the park....all FREE! This was my kind of park! There were also a bunch of other games and craft tables set up at various spots. Sammy had an absolute BLAST playing with her cousins, especially 10 year old Beth. Those two were pretty inseparable.

They climbed up and down for quite awhile.

Caleb was not interested in the big blow-ups...he had a one track mind.




Literally...

Even if something isn't technically a train, but looks and sounds sorta like one, my son is sold!

Sammy wasn't too far behind.

Even though they were pulled by a garden tractor, it was pretty creative! The kiddos didn't seem to mind!

Despite being much older (7,10, and 13), the Wiese cousins really love my kids. They are willing to play with them and help them when they need it.

My nephew and nieces are such a blessing!

Just for kicks and giggles...

It really doesn't get any funnier than this!

A future Olympian?

Brad and I have been doing youth ministry for awhile now. One thing we talked about early in our marriage was how we were not going to get over committed and get our kids in every activity. We saw the effect that too many activities had on families and in the lives of our students.

Once we started having children, we talked again about extracurricular activities and decided our children were not going to be in something every night of the week.

It's been pretty easy, up to now, to keep that commitment. But the older our kids get, the more pressure we I feel to get them into swimming lessons, dance, gymnastics, t-ball, etc...

I mean, all my friends have their kids in activities...

Even though I know the age old saying...

"if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

...it's still hard to listen (and see pictures on facebook and blogs) and not let it sway me.

Then add the fact that I know Sammy would absolutely LOVE doing these things, and I'm all mixed up inside.

So after reading the Brainerd Lakes Summer Community Education booklet this past spring, Brad and I again revisited this discussion.

As a side note, Brad and I take FOREVER to make a decision. We think about EVERY possible angle of the situation...from how much time, money, and energy it will take to how it will ultimately shape our children.

Yes people, we're a little strange that way...

But it's a big deal. Our ministry schedules are busy enough...is it really wise to add something else?

Anyway, we've decided that swimming lessons are non-negotiable. We are living in the land of 10,000 lakes for heaven's sakes, and swimming is a survival skill. The rest...well, not so much.

So after much debate...and I mean much debate, I signed Sammy up for a 3 week (6 class) gymnastics class.

And I really am so glad I did!

She LOVED it, and really learned quite a bit in a short time.

She's adventurous and a bit of a dare devil, so doing some of the stunts and techniques were right up her alley. She soon was doing a lot of moves on the apparatuses by herself.

I'm pretty sure she was obsessed with the chalk. Who wouldn't be?


I couldn't believe what they were teaching the 3-6 year olds...especially on the uneven bars. Sammy now loves doing pull-ups.

The teachers were students and coaches from Brainerd High. They did a really great job with the kids.

The one bummer was that class was at 2:30. I mean, really? That's nap time people! What was I going to do with Caleb?

He was actually a gem! Give that kid a couple of CARS cars...thanks to Grandma Aust...and he's a really good kid!

Another thing that I will continue to do...if/when Sammy is in another activity, is to do with with a friend. Not only did Sammy have a little friend to do all the cool stuff with, but I also was able to hang out with a girlfriend during their 45 minute class. So Amy and I were able to chat...and keep our eyes on our other 4 children...and Izzy and Sammy got to "play" together.

Aren't they cute!

So whatcha think? Does she have a future as an Olympian?

Probably not, but I am glad we made the decision to let her do this. Watching your children take such delight in something so simple is really a joy. And while we're not signing her up for fall...and winter...and spring gymnastics, it was a great experience that I hope we will do again in the future.

Self-control

I spent a great deal of time last Friday during my Sabbath thinking and meditating on self-control.

Or, perhaps, better put...my lack of self-control.

It's been one of my biggest struggles lately. And it appears in almost every area of my life.

I have very little self-control...

in regards to my eating habits.

in getting to bed on time.

in getting out of bed in the morning.

in checking facebook.

in doing my work in my home before relaxing.

in not procrastinating.

in the disciplining of my children...especially doing it in anger.

in keeping my tongue in check.

As I read my Sabbath journal from the past several weeks (and months), I've realized I have spent many hours confessing sins that were related to my lack of self-control...and many hours putting together lists and plans for how I was going to structure my day so that I wouldn't need so much self-control...and many hours writing out Scripture passages having to do with self-control.

But, there's been something missing.

Something really big missing.

I haven't really asked for help from God to help overcome this area.

In my Titus 2 ministry this past year, we read an excellent book by Carolyn Mahaney called Feminine Appeal. In her book, she discusses in detail seven virtues of a Godly wife and mother. It is a great book...a must read for women of all ages. As I was re-reading her chapter on self-control, several things struck me.

First of all, I am human and I'm going to fail. But I don't have to remain in that defeated position. God requires that we exercise self-control...so therefore it is attainable. We can conquer this area in our lives. It does require much effort, but we must rely on the Holy Spirit to lead and convict us.

Bottom line...this cannot be done in our own strength.

Yup, pretty sure I've been trying to overcome this thing in my own power.

Charles Bridges said, "Have not repeated defeats taught us the need of calling in better strength than our own?"

It apparently takes some of us a bit longer than others to grasp this concept.

I have been caught in a crazy cycle. I try to muster and create self-control on my own. I take a deep breath, make a plan, try harder in my own power...only to find that I have failed again.

Why don't I believe the words of Christ in John 15:5? "Apart from me you can do nothing."

It's not about trying harder. It's about letting go of my sin and realizing I can't do it apart from Christ.

Self-control is HUGE in my life right now. It is my wall of defense against the enemy of my soul.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

Self-control protects me and my heart from all sorts of attacks on my heart.

When I overeat, overreact to my children, put off work in my home, or any other area, I hear words of failure from the author of lies. And once those feelings of despair hit, it's even harder to muster up self-control on my own to change my ways. One caramel bar leads to 2 or 3. A few minutes on facebook leads to 15 or 30 minutes. Laundry remains in baskets throughout my house. I yell at my kids, then quickly apologize...but find myself getting frustrated even faster the next time.

I haven't had much protection in my life and my soul has not been well guarded.

So while the changes and plans I've written out will be a great help to me in organizing my day's work and prioritizing my daily activities, my plan will eventually fail unless I have God's strength in overcoming this great obstacle.

Tonight, I am heading to bed early so that I can get up early and spend some time with my God. And before I get out of bed, I will be praying for self-control and calling on His limitless power to help me in this area.

Because even though I like sin and I like sleep and I like eating and I like wasting time on facebook...

I love my God and His truth even more...