A cute 1 year old boy sleeping in a pack-n-play in my bedroom.
Another handsome 3 year old boy is out cold in his bunk bed...dreaming about trucks, dirt, and trains...
An imaginative 4 year old girl is currently having a tea party with her 8 year old friend...and they are asking so very politely for 2 more cookies.
The house? A disaster.
This is my life at this very moment in time.
And I've been fighting it...not enjoying it...wishing it away.
Even now, feeling like I have 5 children under control for the moment, I am struggling with truly living in this craziness...abundantly living and enjoying the sweetness of this brief time in my life.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I'm tired of Hannah waking up at 4:00 a.m for yet another feeding. Really? Apparently she forgot she could sleep through the night. Might be time for a bit more rice cereal...
I'm tired of putting Brad, his job, and some extra stuff he's working on ahead of my needs...
I'm tired of trying harder to parent...reading books and being intentional more...
I'm tired of what lack of sleep and busyness does to me...
I'm tired of seeing the extra weight on my body due to 3 pregnancies...
At a ladies function last week, a friend at my table shared with us a conversation she had with a young mom. She asked her what she missed most about her life since becoming a mother. She said...
"me."
Yes! That's it! I miss ME!
I miss scrapbooking with friends. I miss having time to blog regularly. I miss going for runs. I miss getting a full night's sleep. I miss being spontaneous with Brad. I miss what life was like 1 year ago before Brad shifted into a new role at work.
And I'm just sad about it.
But, a sweet baby girl calls my attention. She is longing to be held and talked to. So I will whisk her away, read her Goodnight Moon, sing her "Jesus Loves Me" and place her in her crib. Then I will tackle the dishes, help the girls clean up their tea party, and maybe even think about supper.
Because, while I want to be real with how I feel, I know that my feelings DO NOT dictate reality.
I do know that I will have some time (some day) to scrapbook, and that playing trains with Caleb is more important than blogging, and that my messy house is proof of children's play.
And as I hear Sammy erupt into giggles and see Hannah's quite chubby smiling face...
I know it's all worth it...
3 comments:
I am working on not putting the bull before the cart myself. With Maya going to school, I feel like suddenly the ball is rolling and I can't stop it. After 5 years of standing still, suddenly we are moving so fast
Oh friend. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. Who you are now, who I am now, is brief. And we will have years and years to do those "other" things. BUt in the meantime, finding time for you, is important too. As I escaped to target tonight, despite my lack of sleep, I knew I needed to get away. It's taking those moments that make us feel like us again.
I will pray that you can find those moments in the coming days..and as you rock your sweet baby girl know this: the work you do right now, is work for the kingdome of heaven, and that my friend will last longer than any old scrapbook. :) Your doing a geat job. Lots of love to you.
Thanks, Jenny. I love your writing. Great thoughts and insights - and great comments from friends, too!
I have learned in the past two years that I would no longer like to be the "me" I missed a while ago...such a hard journey to find out I don't want to be that person any longer. Gianna says I'm "tougher" now. ; ) There is still so much to learn about being the "me" I want to be.
Thanks for these thoughts today!
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