God's great plan...part 2.

From my Sabbath journal, September 4, 2o1o...5 days after we learned Brad was not going to be considered further for the lead youth pastor position:

"Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will."

"Do not fear change..."

"I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone." - all from Jesus Calling

My personal thoughts from that same day:

"Even in the midst of my grief, I am grateful for this week...for even knowing so quickly...for processing and understanding why Brad will not be Lakewood's next youth pastor...."

From my Sabbath journal a week later, September 11, 2010:

"It's crazy, but in a week's time I have moved from grief to contentment...the worries that overwhelmed my spirit have been placed to the side and are in the loving arms of God. While I know hard decisions are ahead, those worries will be saved for another day. They will not overwhelm me today. I don't know what the next year holds, but I do know that God will be faithful..."

"God's Rule is Right and God has a Right to Rule." - from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study

I am grateful that I have record of these thoughts from that time. Much of my memory of those first couple of weeks in September were not as "faith-filled" as what I just shared. But even in the midst of our pain, I praise God for those precious hours during my weekly Sabbath that I was able to focus on Him and not on the changing circumstances around me.

As we processed our grief together as a couple, with close friends, and other pastors, I remember moving from shock to grief to contentment in a matter of a few days. But after that initial wave, our personal feelings and emotions led us to a place of anger, rejection and doubt. And I'm sad to say that we stayed in that place for much of the following months.

From my Sabbath journal, September 17, 2010:

"After talking with 3 key lifeguards this week, my head is spinning again! I was FINE...or at least more fine with everything before tonight. Now all those first feelings are swelling up in me again. Feelings of "unfairness"....being upset and angry...going through this grieving process once again."

A few paragraphs later...

"Protect us Lord from thoughts, hopes, dreams that we shouldn't have or think. Help us to take one day at a time and fully live in this time as interim youth pastor. Keep our feet firmly planted. And tear away any desires to be vindicated. We don't have to fight this. This is not our battle. We are only to be your clay."

October and November were especially difficult for us. We were grieving over the fact that our time at Lakewood would be ending. We were also trying to lead the youth ministry well in the midst of that grief. We were still figuring out how to be a family of 5. For me personally, I was just trying to keep up with laundry, diapers, housework, Bible studies, etc. Brad was gone several days both those months and in the midst of it all, Brad got injured at a youth retreat, my dad had a heart attack (while Sammy and Caleb were both visiting), and several dear friends experienced grief that still to this day cause my eyes to tear up.

Portions from my Sabbath journal from November 11 and December 3:

"A time to release...Where do I start?

1. The burden of LSM....and knowing we will be leaving soon.

2. Brad's injury

3. The heaviness of my job...parenting, disciplining, being a wife, housekeeper, etc.

4. Worry over my parents' health

5. The future...looking for a new job, home, change for the kids, loss of friends, leaving Brainerd and Lakewood

6. My dear friends' grief and trials that seems almost too big to bear

I feel like mourning today. Worry and anxiety overwhelm me this morning. I don't want to give up all that I have here...."

In the midst of this, God was showing me some areas of "idolatry" in my life. Lakewood, the Brainerd Lakes Area and all that I had here had become idols.

From my Sabbath journal, December 10, 2010:

"Father, I confess that I don't want to move! I feel like I'm digging my heels in. I am holding tightly to something that I feel is slipping away. I am being stripped of all (my church, my friends, my comfort, BSF, Tapestry, etc.) that I have depended on."

"I long to depend on You. I long to trust you fully. Please break the hold I have on these things, people, activities, places. They all have made such an impact in my life...but I KNOW that You have been the source of it all....the Giver of these good things."

"Break me from these things I have depended on. Tear down my idols in high places. Cause me to place my hope and future in Your loving hands."

It was no coincidence that I was studying the book of Isaiah in Bible Study Fellowship.

In December, Brad began tweaking his resume, filling out the EFCA's ministry match, and looking for potential ministry jobs. During that time, we received another blow.

Our elders were having to make some very difficult decisions concerning our church budget. We had not been meeting budget and they were proposing cutting two staff positions. One of which being the youth director position.

Please know that we had decided since September that Brad did not want to stay in the youth director position...that he felt he had outgrown it and didn't want to serve under another youth pastor. We felt very strongly that since he was not going to be the next lead youth pastor that our time at Lakewood would be ending.

But, we are human, and knowing that there wasn't even a chance for Brad to remain on staff was very difficult for us. Plus there were many people who didn't even know that Brad had applied and was not going to be considered further for the position OR that his previous job was going to be cut. And even though we had been processing it all along the way, as new people learned about these circumstances, we had to process and grieve with each of them...all the while trying not to fall back into a crazy cycle of anger, resentment or bitterness.

From my Sabbath journal, January 8, 2011:

Taken from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study:

"The key to peace is authority. When we allow the Prince of Peace to govern our lives peace either immediately or ultimately results. Peace always accompanies authority. Peace comes in situations completely surrendered to the sovereign authority of Christ. Sometimes when we finally give up trying to discover all the answers to the "why's" in our lives and decide to trust a Sovereign God, unexpected peace washes over us like summer rain."

In my weekly extended times with God, He kept pointing me back to Him and away from the crazy circumstances of my life.

From my Sabbath journal, January 21, 2011:

"It amazes me how personal You are God! You have planned for me to study what I have over the last 6-8 months in preparation for all this! I think of studying Job last summer....and then Isaiah this fall in BSF...and now Joseph and Hezekiah. What wonderful truth is found in the lives of these men! What a gift it is to learn from their lives!"

"What is truth? Truth is that Brad has great gifts. But the search committee doesn't believe they are the right fit for this position. And that's okay. They intended no harm...no malice...and did not sin against us. Could things have been handled better? Sure! But the outcome would have been the same. Lakewood has been a safe, comfortable and wonderful place to learn and grow. But it's time to move on. Brad has outgrown the director position and there is nothing else here for him. Plus it's time for me to let go of some idols and cling to God fully instead. There is not greater place to be than in the unknown...clinging to God's hand."

From that same day:

"I want you to be all Mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone-not in other people, not in circumstances." - taken from Jesus Calling

Oh, how good God was in the midst of this painful time!

One of the greatest gifts from God from this same day of quiet solitude with Him was Genesis 45. God had brought Brad just the week before to this text and he had shared it with me. It was NO accident that we both read this passage and felt complete peace over Brad's position being cut....just a few days before our church's congregational meeting...which Brad was going to be a focus.

Most people remember this verse concerning Joseph's life: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." - Genesis 50:20a. But what struck both of us were Joseph's words 5 chapters before, during his first meeting with his brothers.

"So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." - Genesis 45:8

It was at that moment...upon reading those words...that any bitterness or anger or frustration melted away for both of us. Whatever we were holding onto, we released because NO ONE...no search committee member, no elder, no pastor, NO ONE on this earth decided these things. God did. If we were going to hold onto those feelings, we needed to direct them towards our Sovereign God. And both of us realized we had to let go. Just days before a great number of people were going to learn about what had transpired...and just in time for us to honestly be able to answer them with:

"It's really okay."

And it really was.

to be continued...