Youth Worker's Retreat

Every year, our Evangelical Free Church district hosts a retreat for all Minnesota youth workers and their families at Camp Shamineau. We haven't been able to go in two years, but this year we were SO EXCITED to get to know some other youth pastors and their wives and just to get away for the weekend. May and June have become our busiest months since last August, and Brad (especially) and I were feeling a heavy burden.

We had such a wonderful time connecting with some old friends (Dave & Tina and Kyle & Emilie) and meeting some new ones. It was fun to "go to camp" with Sammy. She loved playing on the playground, walking around camp, and seeing Shamineau Island. (She wasn't too sure about the ponies though...maybe next year...but she LOVED campfire donuts!) Brad got to give everyone an update about our youth pastor search...Andy and Jen will be here in a month! Yahoo! And I stayed up WAY TOO LATE talking with 4 other wives on Friday night.

While I know that Brad had a nice time, he still gets drained by building new relationships and talking youth ministry. I think he walked away with a better perspective on who he is and how God is continuing to use him. Plus Brad has some great ideas he was able to share. But it was probably more of a restful break for me. I loved having Brad around all weekend, and childcare was provided for all the sessions. I forgot how good it was to hang out with other YP wives...and share the sorrows and joys of ministry, parenting, motherhood, and youth group students. We laughed and laughed and laughed! I also got to hang out with Betsy (Reece) Anderson. She was a couple of years older than me at Northwestern, and I look up to her so much. She is a fountain of wisdom and information. I loved soaking up all that she shared.

I love being a mom. I love being married to a youth pastor. And I love being at Lakewood. It is an incredibly healthy church, and throughout the weekend I was reminded again and again of that. (Some of our friends are in REALLY hard situations at their church...very similar to our last church, and I was filled with such empathy for them.) But some days are rough. Some days I miss going on youth retreats. I miss getting up and going to work every day. I miss having free time to do what I like and to be spontaneous with my husband.

But when I shift my eyes off myself and onto all that God has blessed us with, I truly see the selfishness of my ways. And along with being being refreshed and energized from being with some truly wonderful people, I am overwhelmingly grateful for all I have.

Picture Time!

Sammy's almost 19 months old and is becoming quite a little lady! She is adventurous and playful. She still is quite independent...we'll just see how that goes when baby brother shows up! She is so very kind and sweet. There is nothing she fears (which freaks out her mother), and she says "hi" to everyone she meets. She is such a joy!

A Mother's Fear

Several months ago Brad and I planned a mini-vacation to the Cities before baby #2 came. Because Sammy will probably never remember life without her baby brother, we wanted to do some fun things just for her. We wanted to capture some memories of a time when it was just the three of us.

We did have a wonderful time playing and relaxing together. We went to Como Zoo, the park at the Mall of America, and various parks. (I’ll post some AWESOME pics of Sammy in the next day or two.) Brad and I even went to a Twins game together...but that's a whole other story...the Twins were losing 8-0 by the 5th inning...let's just say it wasn't very pretty.

But our relaxing and fun weekend came to an abrupt end Saturday evening when we picked Sammy up from my friend Melanie's house. Melanie is an old friend. She’s been a nanny for years, and I trust her immensely with Sammy. So it was a no brainer to leave Sammy with her while Brad and I were out.

But as Brad was packing up the car, Sammy, who had been playing quietly and independently while I was gathering her stuff, grabbed her crotch/private area and started screaming and crying. Mel said Sammy had done that 2 or 3 times that afternoon and said that she had no idea what was wrong. They had gone to the park, played in the sand, and then Mel had given her a bath because she thought Sammy had gotten some sand in her diaper and it had irritated her skin. But Mel didn’t see any sign of redness or irritation. I sang to Sammy, calmed her down, and in 1-2 minutes, she was back to her normal self. Then 10-15 minutes later she did it again. I checked her diaper and after all three of us held her down, we realized she had a little bit of bleeding in that area. Sammy screamed and cried the entire time. At this point it was around 7:30, and all the Urgent Cares were closed. I called a nurse from our church and my friend Gianna to get some advice. We finally decided to take her to the Children’s Hospital.

Brad and I were torn about what to do. Aside from 3-4 times of this unexpected screaming/crying outbursts, she was COMPLETELY normal. We thought about just driving home and taking her in the next morning or to our ER in Brainerd. We didn’t know if it was just a bad case of diaper rash…or something more serious. We checked in and while we were waiting to see a doctor, Sammy had 4-5 more outbursts. It was the oddest thing to see a perfectly normal, smiling child one minute, and a screaming, crying child the next.

A nurse practioner first examined Sammy, and she said Sammy had a tear in her private area. Then the next few minutes were filled with words like “abuse”, “social services”, “injury uncommon to girls this young”…etc. Situations I had never thought (or feared) about flooded my mind. Brad and I were SURE that NO ONE had done anything to Sammy. She had been on a TON of rides and swings that weekend, and we thought that could have caused it. Eventually, a doctor came in and examined Sammy and ruled out any possible abuse. He said it was common for girls to have “straddle” injuries from monkey bars or other playground equipment, but usually not this young. Although they couldn’t figure out an exact cause, the final diagnosis was a straddle injury. We would have to keep the area covered in cream, give Tylenol as needed, and were told the area should heal itself.

As we walked out of the hospital at 10:30, we were so relieved that Sammy would be okay. But as we drove home, so many thoughts went through our mind. What if social services were called? What if Melanie was investigated? What would happen to her career? What if this would have happened while Sammy was in my care or Brad’s? What if we were investigated? How would that affect his profession? What if something did happen to Sammy? While we were grateful for the questions they asked and the care they gave Sammy, it was absolutely terrifying to think that my daughter could be the victim of abuse.

It was a brutal reminder of what an evil world we live in. While there is beauty and warmth and wonderful things around us, there is also hurt, pain, cruelty, and evil. I was reminded today, again, that this world is not my home. This world was not as God intended it to be. There will be painful things that touch my life and the lives of those I love. But God is sovereign. Nothing touches us except what He has allowed. He desires the best for us, and His ways are higher than ours. He works for the good of those who love Him, and He constantly conforms us to the likeness of His Son. And what this world means for evil, He means for good and for His glory.

What do non-Christians do when the evil of this world falls on them? What hope do they have? How does fear and worry not overwhelm them?

Today I’m not quite so emotional and weepy, and I can put my emotions aside and focus on the character of God. Today I am overwhelmed by His promises and His great love for me and Sammy. Today I am reminded that He has not given us a spirit of fear, and that I can trust Him…no matter what.

Rich

Currently my women's multi-generational Sunday School class is watching Rob Bell's "Nooma" videos. Each video is about 10-15 minutes, and the rest of our class time we spend in prayer, small and large group discussion, journaling, reading scripture or other devotional type passages. Each class has hit a spiritual cord in my life, and I've loved learning and discussing these topics with both my junior girls and older women in our church.

This past week was pretty profound for me. It was entitled "Rich." Rob Bell first began by listing some staggering statistics of what percentage of the world's population owns a car or has running water or has more than one pair of shoes. As he talked further and we later discussed as a group, I couldn't help but think about all that I had. The things that I've longed for (a new couch, minivan, new flip-flops) just faded from my mind. I realized how blessed I truly was...not only by material possessions, but by my family, friends, and church.

Then I began to think of what materialism has done in my life...made me discontent and envious. Just a few nights ago, Brad and I read this passage from Shepherding a Child's Heart. "If man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, how do we teach children to function in this culture? We teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We fill their young lives with distractions from God. We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God." It was a pretty convicting passage for us. So then should Brad and I sell everything we have? Should we stop buying toys for Sammy? Where is the balance?

I think God gives for a reason…He blesses us so we can bless others. And no matter how much or how little we have, ALL of us can give something everyday...our time, knowledge, kindness, help, love...the list goes on and on. And isn't that what the first church in Acts 2 was all about?

Maybe the real question is not be how much money I spend on Sammy, but who will I bless today?

Forgiveness

In August of 2002, Brad and I left a church in Wisconsin where he had been serving as youth pastor for almost four years. It was a very hard and painful situation, but we felt Brad could no longer serve in a church in which he and the senior pastor had such different philosophies of ministry and struggled with respecting one another. Even though we believe to this day that it was the healthiest decision (for us, the senior pastor, and the church) to leave, it was one of the toughest decisions we have made in our almost 8 years of marriage.

In the years that have followed, we have worked through many issues such as healing, forgiveness, and bitterness. We attended a wonderful church right after our move that brought a lot of healing and laughter back into our lives. And now Brad is doing what he loves...working with students with like-minded people in a very healthy church. He is surrounded by men and women with very similar philosophies of ministry, who have been great supporters, encouragers, and mentors to him. We could not be happier with where God has placed us.

In the last week, though, we have learned of some very hard times at our former church. Some situations have arisen which may ultimately cost the senior pastor his position. In the few details that were shared with Brad, one of them was that Brad should feel very vindicated by what has been brought to light.

A few years ago, I would have said, “Absolutely! It serves the senior pastor right for all the pain he put us through!”

But today, all I can think of is the pain that he and his family must be going through. How will he be able to leave a church he has pastored for 20 years? How will this affect his wife and 8 children…5 of which are still at home? How will this affect him emotionally and physically? How can he leave an 8,000 member community of which he knows and loves?

No, I’m realizing that the #1 person who really needed to change and really needed healing was me. I was the one holding onto bitterness…holding it against him that he forced us away from our students and from a teaching position that I loved. I was harboring ill will against him for causing us so much pain and heartache. While he was not innocent in what he did and said, I also was as guilty for “hating” him for what he had done to us.

God does have perfect timing though. Just this past week, my BSF lesson focused on Romans 12:9-21. In this passage, Paul gives 26 commands on how to love God, God’s family, and your enemies. One of the questions asked in my lesson was, “Think of a personal enemy…” I stared at that question for quite a while until I thought of our former senior pastor. But in the midst of writing his name down, I was overcome with such a sense of compassion that it immediately caused me to stop everything I was doing and pray for him, his family, and our former church. He is no longer an enemy of mine. His sins, just like mine, where paid for by Christ on the cross. Even if this situation had not come up, I do not need to wish harm on or to avenge the situation any longer.
I thought this happening would give me such a sense of relief and justification. But it hasn’t. It’s only brought my past sins to light and forced me to deal with them. It’s also given me compassion and empathy I didn’t know I had.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is not natural or easy. It is something done in the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit.

And it is something that I’ve needed to give for a long time.