Last night I felt like failure as a parent.
Let me back up a bit. Yesterday was an INSANE and busy day. Brad and I carpooled to church yesterday and were up and out the door with Sammy before 8:15. I fed Sammy breakfast at church, and then went to MOPS by 9:00. After MOPS, I ran a bunch of errands with Sammy and finally got her home and fed and put down for a nap by 1:00. Then, by 2:06 she was WIDE AWAKE and grouchy. I tried to put her back down, but we had to leave by 3:00 because Brad and I had an appointment at 3:30. So after an hour nap and no real play time at home, we jumped back in the car. After our appointment, we hung out with some students and then drove to the mall to go for a walk. We ran into more students and parents we knew, and ended up walking until almost 6:00. We quickly drove home, inhaled supper, and then Brad headed to a student's basketball game that was about 45 minutes away, and I put Sammy BACK in the car and went to our parenting small group at 7:00. We really didn't know any of the other couples, and they had already met the previous week. So I got there and all introduced, and then my child...my quiet, play by herself, independent, obedient child...became demon possessed. It was as if she had never been told "no-no" or disciplined or had ever left her house. She was pushing buttons on the VCR and pulling books off the shelf and running down the hallway and kicking me when I held her. It was an absolutely miserable evening. (Oh, did I mention the topic for the evening was discipline…what kind to use and when to use it.)
I finally got home around 9:00, changed Sammy, and got a book and her blanket and read to her. Even though I was feeling so defeated, I spoke quietly to her and told her there wasn’t anything she could do to make me love her less, and then I read to her and put her to bed. But I still felt like such a failure.
After a lot of venting when Brad got home, he reminded me that my self-esteem cannot be tied into Sammy’s behavior. There’s nothing I can do to make Sammy obey all the time. No matter how obedient she is, she will never be perfect. She, like everyone else in this world, has the sin nature inside her. And even though I have been living in a dream world because Sammy HAS been so obedient, I know that dream is gone.
We also talked about why Sammy misbehaved so much. She was in the car more than she was home. She didn’t nap well. She didn’t have any quality face-to-face time with me. And, the most important realization, we had become very relaxed about what we let Sammy touch at home. We had not been as consistent as we have been or should be. We were in fact failing her in that way.
Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes time, energy, patience, wisdom, and a whole lot of love and prayer. And I don’t think I’ll ever get it just right.
But today, after some sleep and some good old quiet time with God, I know I don’t have to.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Budget Obession
I confess. I'm obsessed about our budget. Ever since I became a stay-at-home mom, I have handled 98% of the cooking, cleaning, errands, and bills at our home. Even though sometimes I wish I could have a day off, I genuinely enjoy being a housewife. I love making sure every bill is paid on time and also making sure we never run out of toilet paper, dishwasher soap, diapers, etc.
But I'm realizing I'm an obsessor when it comes to our budget.
This year is by far the tightest for Brad and me. For the first 6 years of our marriage, I taught full time, and then for a little over a year, I was able to work part time. But we are solely relying on Brad's income for 2007, and even though we are so thankful for his job, it's still a scary thing.
I'm grateful that we are able to spend less than we make, and we are blessed to have money saved in case of an emergency. But other than that, there is no give in our budget. Daily I enter in receipts or pay a bill via EFT or through our credit card or just check to make sure we're not spending too much in one area. I do this every day...even if I don't need to pay a bill, write a check, or enter in a receipt.
I truly am an obsessive, control freak.
I've been thinking that maybe it's because I want something in my life I can control...since I really can't control my husband, daughter, the weather, my parents, the stock market, or anything else. Or maybe it's because I worry that we'll be able to provide for Sammy and the new baby. Maybe it's because I just like numbers...
I just don't know.
I do know that we do have all we need for this day. My daughter is growing so slowly that I doubt she'll need any new clothes soon...even though I'm tired of dressing her in the same 9-12 month clothes she's been wearing since October. Our couch has been a wonderful fort and jungle gym for her...even though as I'm becoming more pregnant I'm having a greater difficulty in getting out of it. Our cars are running well...even though I still wish from time to time that we had a mini-van. And there is plenty of food in our fridge...which gives me no reason to want to spend money eating out.
It's a good thing there's no "just because Jenny wants to" category in our budget or we'd really be in trouble.
But I'm realizing I'm an obsessor when it comes to our budget.
This year is by far the tightest for Brad and me. For the first 6 years of our marriage, I taught full time, and then for a little over a year, I was able to work part time. But we are solely relying on Brad's income for 2007, and even though we are so thankful for his job, it's still a scary thing.
I'm grateful that we are able to spend less than we make, and we are blessed to have money saved in case of an emergency. But other than that, there is no give in our budget. Daily I enter in receipts or pay a bill via EFT or through our credit card or just check to make sure we're not spending too much in one area. I do this every day...even if I don't need to pay a bill, write a check, or enter in a receipt.
I truly am an obsessive, control freak.
I've been thinking that maybe it's because I want something in my life I can control...since I really can't control my husband, daughter, the weather, my parents, the stock market, or anything else. Or maybe it's because I worry that we'll be able to provide for Sammy and the new baby. Maybe it's because I just like numbers...
I just don't know.
I do know that we do have all we need for this day. My daughter is growing so slowly that I doubt she'll need any new clothes soon...even though I'm tired of dressing her in the same 9-12 month clothes she's been wearing since October. Our couch has been a wonderful fort and jungle gym for her...even though as I'm becoming more pregnant I'm having a greater difficulty in getting out of it. Our cars are running well...even though I still wish from time to time that we had a mini-van. And there is plenty of food in our fridge...which gives me no reason to want to spend money eating out.
It's a good thing there's no "just because Jenny wants to" category in our budget or we'd really be in trouble.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Balance
I was going to blog about our GREAT date on Tuesday night…which happened to be a Murder Mystery Dinner Date with my MOPS group…and maybe I still will write about it. But today I’m struggling with balance, selfishness, motherhood, and marriage.
I love being a mother. But being a mother is SO different from every other job I’ve had. It has INCREDIBLE perks…watching your child learn something new, seeing the world through her eyes, knowing nobody can fix it except Mommy, sweet hugs and kisses, etc. But you never really have a vacation day or clock out from it. It’s a 24-7 job. There’s no monetary pay, and it’s the most exhausting job EVER.
But we all know that. The trick is trying to do this CRAZY job and to not let it damage your marriage or turn you into a bitter, selfish person.
This is where my struggle lies. I feel this week I have been asking a lot of Brad. I have caught myself saying things like, “Can you put her to bed tonight since you weren’t home last night and will be gone again tomorrow night.” I’m letting my bitterness creep into my speech and in the tone of my voice. I do appreciate ALL that Brad does, but where’s the balance? How much do I ask of him? Is he on “daddy duty” the minute he walks through the door at 6:00? How much should I watch, play, feed Sammy on Thursdays (his only sacred day off every week…and even last week it wasn’t ENTIRELY off) or ask him to do? Is it fair or right that I want to also enjoy the day and get some extra things done because he’s home? I do have MOPS every other week, and BSF every Thursday morning…shouldn’t that be enough to recharge me?
And now, the question of the day, is it right of me to ask him to take Sammy to a student’s basketball game (at 7:30) tonight (which we had planned to go as a family) so I can scrapbook with a friend…even though scrapbooking was last minute notice and I JUST had an all day scrapbooking day a few weeks ago? And even though I really am OKAY with not scrapbooking tonight, how do I get rid of this nagging feeling that Brad doesn’t want to take her to student’s activities because she’s too distracting or because he wants to enjoy the event himself. Hasn’t he ALWAYS said that he wants students to see him as a father and to do ministry with his family present?
I want to have a healthy balance, and I want Brad to spend quality time with Sammy…not just take her off my hands so I can make supper or do the dishes. I am grateful to have Brad home most mornings until 10:00, but then he’s only home around 5:30 or 6:00 about 5 nights a week…which only gives him about two hours with Sammy at night. So am I right in expecting more from Brad, or am I just being selfish and desiring to have a break…even though I KNEW life would be like this when I first got pregnant. Maybe I should just suck it up and give Brad a break since he’s bringing in ALL our income.
Where is the balance? I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t like this nagging, uneasy feeling, and I want to be the mother and wife and friend that God has called me to be.
But today, I’m just not very sure what that is.
I love being a mother. But being a mother is SO different from every other job I’ve had. It has INCREDIBLE perks…watching your child learn something new, seeing the world through her eyes, knowing nobody can fix it except Mommy, sweet hugs and kisses, etc. But you never really have a vacation day or clock out from it. It’s a 24-7 job. There’s no monetary pay, and it’s the most exhausting job EVER.
But we all know that. The trick is trying to do this CRAZY job and to not let it damage your marriage or turn you into a bitter, selfish person.
This is where my struggle lies. I feel this week I have been asking a lot of Brad. I have caught myself saying things like, “Can you put her to bed tonight since you weren’t home last night and will be gone again tomorrow night.” I’m letting my bitterness creep into my speech and in the tone of my voice. I do appreciate ALL that Brad does, but where’s the balance? How much do I ask of him? Is he on “daddy duty” the minute he walks through the door at 6:00? How much should I watch, play, feed Sammy on Thursdays (his only sacred day off every week…and even last week it wasn’t ENTIRELY off) or ask him to do? Is it fair or right that I want to also enjoy the day and get some extra things done because he’s home? I do have MOPS every other week, and BSF every Thursday morning…shouldn’t that be enough to recharge me?
And now, the question of the day, is it right of me to ask him to take Sammy to a student’s basketball game (at 7:30) tonight (which we had planned to go as a family) so I can scrapbook with a friend…even though scrapbooking was last minute notice and I JUST had an all day scrapbooking day a few weeks ago? And even though I really am OKAY with not scrapbooking tonight, how do I get rid of this nagging feeling that Brad doesn’t want to take her to student’s activities because she’s too distracting or because he wants to enjoy the event himself. Hasn’t he ALWAYS said that he wants students to see him as a father and to do ministry with his family present?
I want to have a healthy balance, and I want Brad to spend quality time with Sammy…not just take her off my hands so I can make supper or do the dishes. I am grateful to have Brad home most mornings until 10:00, but then he’s only home around 5:30 or 6:00 about 5 nights a week…which only gives him about two hours with Sammy at night. So am I right in expecting more from Brad, or am I just being selfish and desiring to have a break…even though I KNEW life would be like this when I first got pregnant. Maybe I should just suck it up and give Brad a break since he’s bringing in ALL our income.
Where is the balance? I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t like this nagging, uneasy feeling, and I want to be the mother and wife and friend that God has called me to be.
But today, I’m just not very sure what that is.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day
Brad and I decided early in our marriage that we weren’t going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We felt it was an advertising ploy to get consumers to spend money to those they should be showing love and appreciation to during the rest of the year. Plus it created unrealistic expectations for both men and women…which sometimes created a lot of hurt and anger if those “expectations” weren’t met.
Because of this, we’ve been able to enjoy some real and memorable surprises that have landed on this day.
Two years ago, I raced home from school and took one of many pregnancy tests. We had been trying to get pregnant for several months with no success. But I was sure on this day that I was finally pregnant. I had wanted to take it when Brad was home, but I had devised a way to tell Brad the news that was a bit different. After I found out I was truly pregnant, I raced to Brad’s office and put on my best Academy Award performance about how I had taken a test and it had been negative AGAIN. He consoled and comforted me, and then I pulled out the test. He looked at me quizzically, and I finally told him the truth. We celebrated that February 14 at the Green Mill with a heart shaped pizza.
This year Brad told me that we were going out on the 13th, but he didn’t give me ANY details. For almost a month Brad kept it a secret from me…which is hard for him to do. So last night, the babysitter that Brad had previously set up arrived. We drove off, and Brad pulled into a local movie rental place about a mile from our house. Now I was really confused! Why were we at a movie rental place when we had just left Sammy with a babysitter at home! Within just a couple of minutes, Gene and Julie Squires and Dawn and John Bolduc…the two ministry assistants that Brad works with and their husbands…showed up. Julie and Dawn also had NO IDEA what was going on. We figured out that we were doing a triple date, but we didn’t know what we were doing. So we jumped in our cars and drove to Crosslake, a nearby town. We drove up to the Log Church for what ended up being a dinner theater. The meal was great, and we had a wonderful time being together and listening to the performance. Brad did a great job!
One of the things that has been hard for me to learn in my marriage is to not make unrealistic expectations for Brad. I have cried many tears and have gotten angry at him many times because of my foolish thinking. But I have learned not to over analyze what he may or may not be doing or planning, but to be grateful for the times he surprises me with flowers or with a meal out.
And instead of chocolates or roses, I have a wonderful memory of good friends, good food, and a great evening out.
Because of this, we’ve been able to enjoy some real and memorable surprises that have landed on this day.
Two years ago, I raced home from school and took one of many pregnancy tests. We had been trying to get pregnant for several months with no success. But I was sure on this day that I was finally pregnant. I had wanted to take it when Brad was home, but I had devised a way to tell Brad the news that was a bit different. After I found out I was truly pregnant, I raced to Brad’s office and put on my best Academy Award performance about how I had taken a test and it had been negative AGAIN. He consoled and comforted me, and then I pulled out the test. He looked at me quizzically, and I finally told him the truth. We celebrated that February 14 at the Green Mill with a heart shaped pizza.
This year Brad told me that we were going out on the 13th, but he didn’t give me ANY details. For almost a month Brad kept it a secret from me…which is hard for him to do. So last night, the babysitter that Brad had previously set up arrived. We drove off, and Brad pulled into a local movie rental place about a mile from our house. Now I was really confused! Why were we at a movie rental place when we had just left Sammy with a babysitter at home! Within just a couple of minutes, Gene and Julie Squires and Dawn and John Bolduc…the two ministry assistants that Brad works with and their husbands…showed up. Julie and Dawn also had NO IDEA what was going on. We figured out that we were doing a triple date, but we didn’t know what we were doing. So we jumped in our cars and drove to Crosslake, a nearby town. We drove up to the Log Church for what ended up being a dinner theater. The meal was great, and we had a wonderful time being together and listening to the performance. Brad did a great job!
One of the things that has been hard for me to learn in my marriage is to not make unrealistic expectations for Brad. I have cried many tears and have gotten angry at him many times because of my foolish thinking. But I have learned not to over analyze what he may or may not be doing or planning, but to be grateful for the times he surprises me with flowers or with a meal out.
And instead of chocolates or roses, I have a wonderful memory of good friends, good food, and a great evening out.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Corrections
When I blogged about Brad and me in the Cities on Tuesday, I failed to mention a couple key facts. First of all, because of the *great* weather, we didn't get to Chris and Gianna's house until around 9:30, but I did end up staying until a little after 3:00...so it wasn't quite MOST of the day. Next, Gianna's new baby girl, Brin, had a doctor's appointment so she was gone from about 10:00 until around 12:30, so I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wished to. BUT I did get to spend that time with her other daughter Maya and Chris, who is not only Gianna's husband but also a former co-worker from not just one job, but three different jobs over the last 10 years. That's right...three different jobs...and somehow we are still friends!
So while I spend a lot of time in my blog talking about my girlfriends from the Cities, my girlfriend's husbands are just as important. Because even though both our girls were keeping us busy and we didn't have a chance to talk about anything else but them, it was sure nice to hang out with Chris.
So I'm grateful to not only have these great girlfriend relationships, but to also have relationships with their husbands...who are more than just "their husbands" but my good friends as well.
So while I spend a lot of time in my blog talking about my girlfriends from the Cities, my girlfriend's husbands are just as important. Because even though both our girls were keeping us busy and we didn't have a chance to talk about anything else but them, it was sure nice to hang out with Chris.
So I'm grateful to not only have these great girlfriend relationships, but to also have relationships with their husbands...who are more than just "their husbands" but my good friends as well.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Blogger blues
It's been awhile since I blogged about anything, and as I thought about what to blog about, I felt like nothing was really happening in my life worth talking about. Have you ever felt like life was moving all around you and you were simply along for the ride? I feel like I simply get up, play with Sammy, make lunch, do chores, make supper, play with Sammy some more, watch TV, go to bed EVERY SINGLE DAY with no other excitement. But in reality, a lot of things are happening in our lives that are exciting and new.
* I’m feeling so much better! The first trimester woes are finally past.
* Our church just voted on a new worship pastor, so now we’re only searching for 2 additional pastors—youth ministry and community life. The search for a new youth pastor is finally picking up speed, and Brad is excited about a couple of applicants.
* Winter youth retreats are done…yahoo…so Brad won’t be gone any more weekends for awhile.
* My parents came to visit 2 weekends ago and we had a great time playing with Sammy, watching movies, and spending quality time together.
* I got to spend an ENTIRE day scrapbooking with my Twin Cities friends last Saturday. It was a wonderful day of refreshing conversation, yummy food, and 12 more completed pages!
* Cadre (our high school ministry team students) did an amazing job planning and running the Super Bowl party on Sunday. Brad was so sick (he woke up Sunday morning sounding AWFUL and complaining that “death lived in his throat”), and they totally took care of all the details. Great job guys!
* Brad, Sammy, and I survived traveling to the Cities yesterday in the snow and ice and wind. We almost got into a HUGE car pile-up and went into the ditch, but Brad was able to safely maneuver back onto the road. God was certainly looking out for us!
* I got to spend most of yesterday with my good friends Gianna and her husband Chris, and got to stop quickly to see my other friends Megan and Dacia. Now, we only intended to quickly stop to see Dacia, but her husband Andy was home so Brad just had to come in and check out his new strategy games. Before I knew it, Brad and Andy and Andy’s friend Larry were playing a game and Andy had convinced us to stay for dinner. So after dinner, we just had to play one more game. We finally got home at 9:45 p.m. after leaving that morning at 6:15 a.m. It was a long day, but well worth it.
God has been truly good to us and has allowed us to see many friends and family, has kept us safe while traveling, and has been working in our youth group and church.
So, life isn’t just passing me by…and that is cause for celebration.
* I’m feeling so much better! The first trimester woes are finally past.
* Our church just voted on a new worship pastor, so now we’re only searching for 2 additional pastors—youth ministry and community life. The search for a new youth pastor is finally picking up speed, and Brad is excited about a couple of applicants.
* Winter youth retreats are done…yahoo…so Brad won’t be gone any more weekends for awhile.
* My parents came to visit 2 weekends ago and we had a great time playing with Sammy, watching movies, and spending quality time together.
* I got to spend an ENTIRE day scrapbooking with my Twin Cities friends last Saturday. It was a wonderful day of refreshing conversation, yummy food, and 12 more completed pages!
* Cadre (our high school ministry team students) did an amazing job planning and running the Super Bowl party on Sunday. Brad was so sick (he woke up Sunday morning sounding AWFUL and complaining that “death lived in his throat”), and they totally took care of all the details. Great job guys!
* Brad, Sammy, and I survived traveling to the Cities yesterday in the snow and ice and wind. We almost got into a HUGE car pile-up and went into the ditch, but Brad was able to safely maneuver back onto the road. God was certainly looking out for us!
* I got to spend most of yesterday with my good friends Gianna and her husband Chris, and got to stop quickly to see my other friends Megan and Dacia. Now, we only intended to quickly stop to see Dacia, but her husband Andy was home so Brad just had to come in and check out his new strategy games. Before I knew it, Brad and Andy and Andy’s friend Larry were playing a game and Andy had convinced us to stay for dinner. So after dinner, we just had to play one more game. We finally got home at 9:45 p.m. after leaving that morning at 6:15 a.m. It was a long day, but well worth it.
God has been truly good to us and has allowed us to see many friends and family, has kept us safe while traveling, and has been working in our youth group and church.
So, life isn’t just passing me by…and that is cause for celebration.
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