Parenting

Last night I felt like failure as a parent.

Let me back up a bit. Yesterday was an INSANE and busy day. Brad and I carpooled to church yesterday and were up and out the door with Sammy before 8:15. I fed Sammy breakfast at church, and then went to MOPS by 9:00. After MOPS, I ran a bunch of errands with Sammy and finally got her home and fed and put down for a nap by 1:00. Then, by 2:06 she was WIDE AWAKE and grouchy. I tried to put her back down, but we had to leave by 3:00 because Brad and I had an appointment at 3:30. So after an hour nap and no real play time at home, we jumped back in the car. After our appointment, we hung out with some students and then drove to the mall to go for a walk. We ran into more students and parents we knew, and ended up walking until almost 6:00. We quickly drove home, inhaled supper, and then Brad headed to a student's basketball game that was about 45 minutes away, and I put Sammy BACK in the car and went to our parenting small group at 7:00. We really didn't know any of the other couples, and they had already met the previous week. So I got there and all introduced, and then my child...my quiet, play by herself, independent, obedient child...became demon possessed. It was as if she had never been told "no-no" or disciplined or had ever left her house. She was pushing buttons on the VCR and pulling books off the shelf and running down the hallway and kicking me when I held her. It was an absolutely miserable evening. (Oh, did I mention the topic for the evening was discipline…what kind to use and when to use it.)

I finally got home around 9:00, changed Sammy, and got a book and her blanket and read to her. Even though I was feeling so defeated, I spoke quietly to her and told her there wasn’t anything she could do to make me love her less, and then I read to her and put her to bed. But I still felt like such a failure.

After a lot of venting when Brad got home, he reminded me that my self-esteem cannot be tied into Sammy’s behavior. There’s nothing I can do to make Sammy obey all the time. No matter how obedient she is, she will never be perfect. She, like everyone else in this world, has the sin nature inside her. And even though I have been living in a dream world because Sammy HAS been so obedient, I know that dream is gone.

We also talked about why Sammy misbehaved so much. She was in the car more than she was home. She didn’t nap well. She didn’t have any quality face-to-face time with me. And, the most important realization, we had become very relaxed about what we let Sammy touch at home. We had not been as consistent as we have been or should be. We were in fact failing her in that way.

Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes time, energy, patience, wisdom, and a whole lot of love and prayer. And I don’t think I’ll ever get it just right.

But today, after some sleep and some good old quiet time with God, I know I don’t have to.