About three weeks ago, I felt pretty confident (and peaceful) about what I felt God was leading me to do and participate in this fall. Brad and I took a couple things out of our schedule and adjusted about 1 or 2 more. I actually hand wrote it all out (for every day and every month until May--yup, I know, I'm crazy) and prayed over it and felt SO GOOD about it.
I felt the schedule was manageable, and that I wasn't over extending myself in any way.
But, today, I feel overwhelmed...
I don't think it's because the commitments I've chosen are not what I should be doing. Nor do I think it's because I have too many. A small part of it (and this is a very valid reason right now) is because I'm feeling so sick with morning sickness. I am sick pretty much the whole day, with short bursts of energy every few hours or so. But it comes in waves, and I never know when its going to force me to lie down for a couple of hours or go to bed at 7:30. I am exhausted all the time, and dealing with far more "symptoms" than I've had with my first two pregnancies.
So, I think that's a part of it.
But, I think the real problem lies with what I'm doing when I'm not feeling sick. And, how many things I am avoiding or choosing not to do...even though I KNOW I need to do them or my life will spin out of control.
I think my feelings of being overwhelmed are coming out of an insubordinate attitude, selfish spirit, and my own sin.
I KNOW what I need to be doing or saying or thinking...
...I'm just choosing not to.
Wow, that sounds really bad now that I've actually written it down.
But that's what it is. I'm already feeling my life is out of control, and I've only just begun my fall schedule.
During my Sabbath today, I came across this quote by Thoreau...
"Your priorities are what you do."
Yup, it doesn't matter if I've written down what my priorities are and look at them and admire them daily...my priorities are actually what I am doing with the minutes and hours in my days.
It's what I do...not what I want to do.
And I realized today my good intentions are getting me NO WHERE!
So, I can either change the way I live or get more honest about what I really value (paraphrased from the book Breathe).
What am I valuing...you may ask? Oh, this is where the confessing comes in!
Well...according to my use of time, I value...
facebook...
searching for stuff on-line...
reading other people's blogs...
making lists (but not really doing anything on the list)...
talking to friends on the phone or on-line...
going out of my way to help people or friends, even if it puts me in a bind...
adding other small commitments...that I haven't cleared with Brad...
organizing stuff...but not really organizing it...
What do I want to value?
spending time daily with God...
using my planner again...not just making random lists...
finalizing Sammy's pre-school/homeschool curriculum and start October 1...
preparing for another baby/organizing/painting/moving stuff...
breaking my BSF lessons/other Bible study into sizable chunks for me to do...
praying daily for my friends, family, and other needs...
getting the sleep, exercise and good nutrition I need right now...
finishing projects around the house...
enjoying every moment at home with my husband and children...
my adorable children, by the way!
I do not want my selfishness to get in the way of what God has called me to do as a servant of the Most High, wife, mother, Sunday School teacher, BSF and Bible study participant, friend, and any other role He calls me to. And I DO NOT want my insubordination to cause me to be less effective for His kingdom.
So, right at this moment, I am so grateful for grace. I am so grateful that His mercies are new every morning. I'm so grateful that God continues to give us second chances.
And I'm so grateful that God doesn't call me to be perfect, but faithful.
And also I'm grateful that it's NOT in my strength that I can do this, but only in His perfect and sufficient strength.
2 comments:
Wow. Powerful stuff! I must value fb and photography blogs a LOT! :) I firmly believe that we are too hard on ourselves. We will never be perfect. We do the very best we can. And yes, I think we all could use some reshifting of the priorities. Hang in there! Take it one day at a time. I hope you feel better!
just do your best and let God do the rest. being honest with yourself is one thing but beating yourself up is completely another. let yourself be sick. if reading blogs helps you right now, do it. chris and i went to a movie in the middle of me feeling nasty nasty nasty and it was the best thing i could have ever done. keeping a perfect house does not mean you are a perfect christian.
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