A little soul searching

Last week during my Sabbath, I spent a great deal of time reflecting and examining my heart. Whenever the Holy Spirit takes you down that road, you know that it will be painful process...but well worth the work.

I was convicted in many, many ways, and could not deny some pretty ugly truths in my life right now.

I am an incredibly selfish person.

I currently enjoy my life. My kids are at an age where life is pretty easy. Sammy is able to do most things on her own. Caleb is well on his way to being toilet trained. They are both great sleepers and are never usually up before 7:30. We have some "obey the first time-every time obedient training" to do with both of them, but I'm realizing how easy it is with just 2 children. I am able to do what I want every day. Some days I do more "school" with Sammy than others. I have at least 1-2 hours every day to blog, email, and do my daily work around the house.

But when I have something unexpected happen, I get frustrated with how it forces me to adjust my day. Even though I have gotten better, I'm a pretty inflexible person. I place myself first some days as when I put in a 30 minute video for the kids so I can get caught up on my friends' blogs. I like my schedule and tend to be very "me" centered...which means going on Facebook BEFORE finishing the dishes, updating finances, or doing the work around the house that needs to be done while Caleb is napping.

I think some of my girlfriends...as I've confessed this particular area to them...think a new baby (and being outnumbered by our children) might just cure me of some of my selfishness!

I take so many things for granted.

Because I am at home full time with my children, I am able to enjoy many things that other women are not. My days (during the school year) are filled with great times of refreshment and learning. I am a part of Bible Study Fellowship...where I learn God's Word in-depth. I am in a Titus 2 ministry...where older women pour into me. I am in a Bible study with 2 other women...who encourage, help, advise, and love me. I have a husband who values weekly date nights and time with me away from our children. I am able to have a 6 month membership (yearly) at the YMCA so I am able to exercise, chat with other women, shower in peace, and know that my children are being cared for. I am able to work with students on Sunday and Wednesday nights and still use my gifts as I love on them. Brad and I have a weekly Sabbath time...time when we both get away with God for 2-3 hours to read, meditate, and grow our relationship with Him. I have friends that would do anything to be in BSF or have one date night every month or two. I take all these things for granted and am incredibly spoiled.

I am a creature of comfort.

I like having food in the pantry and a blog to write and conveniences at my disposal. Even though I may not outwardly complain, I often let Brad know if I am unsatisfied with something in our lives. I like life to be easy...and to be about me and my comfort.

I am a great "hearer" of the Word, but not "doer" of the Word.

This is the area of most conviction for me. I've always known that I am a selfish person who likes ease and comfort and very little change...but while I was reviewing the last few months (and years) of my life, I'm realizing that even though I am receiving some of the best Biblical teaching from my senior pastor, from other sermons Brad has downloaded for me, from my BSF teaching leader, from books like Feminine Appeal and and Crazy Love and studies like Breaking Free and Believing God , very little has changed...I mean really changed my life.

Yes, I do believe God more and fully trust Him to lead us during these next few crazy months and years as some major change comes for Brad and our family. I do think that I've been able to refocus and be put my role as mother and wife ahead of myself and my wants at times. I have been able to put into practice some of what I'm been learning...but it only seems to last for a short while and then I fall back into old patterns.

I say (in my mind) that I can't make these changes in my own strength, but I haven't daily asked for God's help and relied on the Holy Spirit to provide the self-control and brokenness that I need.

It just hasn't seemed important...well...until my day gets going, and I realize I'm making poor choices again.

What I do know is that I don't want this to continue. I don't want to waste this time in my life to grow and learn and pour into my children. I don't want to look back (when I am teaching again full time) and regret the way I lived my life.

I do NOT want to be like the seed that falls on the rocky places and receives God's teaching with joy...but when trouble comes, it quickly dies away. (Matthew 13)

I also don't want to be a women who merely listens to the Word, but fails to do what it says. (James 1:22)

What I do want to be is like the women in Proverbs 31. A woman who cares for her home, her husband, and her children. A woman who gets up early and works hard all day. A woman is highly respected and called blessed.

But the only way I can do that is to confess my sin...the sin that has kept me in bondage, and call on the Holy Spirit daily to humble and help me.

For no matter how much I know, how many degrees I may have, or how many Bible studies I am in...all of it is meaningless unless my daily life is governed, ruled by, and in submission to my King and my Lord.