Christmas in North Dakota

Brad, Sammy, and I spent about 5 days in Bismarck, ND with my family over Christmas. We were able to go to an alumni basketball game at my high school, see a couple of old friends, and meet my brother's girlfriend, Nikki and her twin daughters. While it is fun to get out of the house for a few days and see family, having all 12 of us in one house for Christmas dinner was a bit crazy. Sammy had the worse cold she's ever had in her short 14 months, and sleep was hard to come by for her. She was cranky and whiny and not her normal happy self. But no matter how chaotic it got at times, or how I wished things could have been done a bit differently, I really do enjoy going home and as we drove away, I'm always glad we made it home.

I know for me, going back home and to the house I grew up always causes me to be filled with mixed emotions. While I loved growing up where I did, when I return, I realize how much I have changed from that 18 year old girl who left home for college in another state. The person I've become always seems to conflict with the person I was then. And I feel like I fall back into some of the crazy family cycles...cycles that I've tried hard to break.

I think no matter how perfect or imperfect your family is, every one has some sort of dysfunction. And each of our families of origin has made us into wonderful people and also people with a lot of extra baggage and problems. And as we start our own families, we try to take the really good from our family's past and try to repeat those good things and also try to NOT repeat the bad.

No matter how much some of us deny it, our families have a profound impact on our lives.

And even as I still think today of how I hard some moments were at home, I am reminded of (all 12 of us) sitting down for Christmas dinner; watching Beth, Jess, Samantha, and Ashley chase Sammy around the house; and (all 12 of us) going to church Sunday morning as one family.

Priceless.

Christmas 2006...a year of blessings!

Brad and I recently went to see the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness." It was 118 minutes of sadness and 2 minutes of complete joy.

(Now, let me lay out a disclaimer. Brad and I are not movie people, so we are a bit more critical...and opinionated...about the movies we see. The comments you read here may not accurately describe the film.)

Anyway, it was completely worth seeing, but it was a very emotionally draining movie for me to watch. But when it was over, I was so grateful that I had a home and a car and money in the bank.

Sometimes this time of year becomes more and more about the presents and the Christmas parties and the family get-togethers and less about giving and thanksgiving and stopping to ponder the incredible blessings in each of our lives. And now, as a parent, I have to figure out a way to make sure Samantha learns about the true meaning of this season...and to not bombard her (or let Grandma and Papa bombard her) with presents and toys.

This year is one we are especially thankful for. Brad has survived his first 5 months of running Lakewood's youth ministry program...with the help of his great ministry assistants and many volunteers. I have settled into a really nice routine at home and an enjoying it more and more...and missing teaching less and less. And, the greatest news of all, we learned we are expecting another child on July 13, 2007! I am almost 11 weeks pregnant, and am feeling pretty good...but that could change at any moment!

I love Christmas! I love Christmas music and making cookies for our neighbors! I love the lights on our Christmas tree and the light layer of snow (that used to be) outside our windows! But, as I feel my belly and think of holding another child, I immediately think of Mary…a very young mother who had one of the hardest and greatest blessings of all time… I am in awe of who she was and what courage she had. I do not want to put her on a pedestal, for Christ is the center of Christmas, but I don’t want to overlook her as well. She was obedient, brave, and not afraid of what other people thought. She had been called by the great I AM, and nothing would stop her from fulfilling that very special call on her life.

My prayer is that we all would long to be like Mary. To long to have an overwhelming obstacle in our lives and be completely obedient to engage it. To long to hear God’s voice of direction and whole-heartedly follow it. To long to believe that God can be truly trusted in all areas of our lives. And, like Mary, to long to see great miracles done in our lives.

For God is truly an awesome God and worthy to be praised!

Babies, babies, babies

Congratulations to Chris and Gianna Kordatzky on the birth of their beautiful daughter Brin! And congratulations as well to Shayne and Bethanne Weltmer on the birth of their beautiful daughter Ceili! I hope both mothers are doing well and adjusting to another baby in the house. You guys are my heros! And Bethanne, I need to make an appointment with you so you can help me work on my breathing...

The blessing of friends

Our good friends, Rick and Rose, were here visiting this past weekend. They were in our Soulmates group when we attended Church of the Open Door about 2 1/2 years ago. Despite living 2 hours away from each other, they still manage to come up the the Brainerd Lakes Area to see us 3-4 times a year. I know they love coming to see us, but I'm sure the great fishing (and the snow this weekend) also has something to do with it.

Anyway, we have such a great time with them! Our weekend was full of strategy games (Rick won most of them, even though I should have won Seafarers of Catan....I'm still a little bitter!), a long walk down to the lake, and a late-night movie. Rick and Brad played WAY TOO MUCH X-BOX, but I guess boys will be boys!

As I was washing the guest bedroom bedding and tidying up the house today, I thought about a little song I sang when I was in elementary school. "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." How true that little song is!

Recently I learned from a friend (and real estate agent) that it takes, on average, three years for women who have moved to the Brainerd Lakes Area to really settle down and feel as if this community is home. Three years! That's a long time to not feel comfortable somewhere. But in my own journey the last 2 1/2 years, I find that statement to be very true. We had a whirlwind summer when we first moved here in July of 04. We went on 3 weeks of missions trips with the youth group, bought a house, had a long year of teaching and getting used to our new church, got pregnant 6 months later, had a daughter just a little over a year after we moved, and I left teaching and became a full-time stay-at-home mom. And even though I feel I now have girl friends here I can call and have play dates with, there is nothing like my old college and Open Door friends from the Cities.

Many times, especially when Sammy was just a baby and I was stuck at home last winter, I wished we were still in the Cities. I knew that at any time I could have called Gianna or Dacia or Megan and they would have come over right away. I didn't have that same relationship with my new friends here. I feel like I've come a long way in growing my new relationships, but no one will even take the place of those dear friends.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." Today (and in this season of blessings), I am thankful for so many things...especially my old friends and my new ones as well.

Thanksgiving 2006

I love getting together with Brad's family. I don't know if it's seeing him together with his two brothers (which usually means the boys are watching the Thanksgiving football games or talking Vikings or tossing the football around outside while the women tend to the cooking and child care) or if it's watching the nieces play together. And since we all live so far away from each other (MN, FL, IN, and NC), it's good just to be together.

This Thanksgiving we met near Gatlinberg, TN and rented a house big enough for all of us and our growing families. Because airfare was OUTRAGEOUS, Brad and I decided to drive. NEVER AGAIN!

We used to love road trips. We drove all the way from Bismarck, ND to Spokane, WA the day after we got married. But with a one year old (who was, by the way, incredibly well behaved and content almost all of the 4 1/2 days we were on the road...aside from throwing up once the first day...) and the simple fact of being in the car for 12-14 hours a day, well, I was ready to be home.

And even though I felt we were in the car way too much (especially once we got to TN), and I was bummed we didn't get to play many games together after the kids went to bed, we had some really good times. I really enjoyed spending time in the back of the van with my sister-in-law Sarah. We had an incredible view of the Smokey Mountains from our house. Meeting my new niece, Lauren, was such a treat, and seeing Grandma Hedberg enjoy herself in Gatlinberg was a joy...even though I was very cold and very tired. But the best was taking a family picture (with all 11 of us) and a picture of Grandma Aust with her three granddaughters. We did everything we could to get the girls to smile...and placing food in front of them finally worked. We laughed and laughed until we cried. It was a very long ordeal, but well worth it.

But on the way home, as we sat in traffic for 2 hours (by the way, we traveled a total of 15 miles in those 2 hours), I began to think that it would be nice to have a holiday for just Brad, Sammy, and me. I love seeing Brad's family (and mine as well), but spending more time in the car than at the actual place we were renting was really hard. And if we would fly anywhere next year, after October, we would have to pay for Sammy as well.

So when does one start spending holidays as a new family unit and not as a large group? How does one even make the suggestion to the extended family? I don't know the answer to those questions, but Brad and I will certainly be thinking more and more about it as our family grows and as the distance between the members of his family remains so great.

But, for now, I will be thankful for the opportunity to get away for a few days (even though most of it was in the car) and remember the boys lifting Grandma Hedberg up an embankment (in her wheelchair) and pushing her into three lanes of oncoming traffic just because we didn't want to drive to get to a restaurant, and I will smile.

A better me

Last weekend Brad was out of town, so my friend Melanie drove up from the Cities to spend the weekend with Sammy and me. We watched chic flicks (which my husband HARDLY ever watches with me), went shopping, and stayed up late talking. Even though I was very tired by the weekend's end, I felt refreshed.

Even though Melanie is not a parent yet, she knows (because of her many years of nannying), that moms don't take care of themselves. We don't buy a great scent because it makes us feel pretty or buy a sexy shirt for a date with our husbands. We sacrifice a lot of money, time, energy, and wants of our own for the sake of our children and families. So, Melanie took me shopping. I think I tried on 10 different shirts before I found one that I really liked. And Sammy was so content and busy watching herself (and 4 other twin friends in the 4-way mirror in the dressing room). By the end of the day, I picked up a couple of items that made me feel terrific! I felt alive, beautiful, and totally dotted on.

Then we came home, and Melanie took a look into my closet. I used to be a teacher who dressed pretty professional everyday...with the dresses, high heels, pantyhose, etc, but since I've been a stay-at-home mom, my wardrobe is mainly comprised of jeans, sweatshirts, t-shirts, and an occasional dressy shirt I wear to MOPS or BSF. But I had also been holding onto some clothes I was NEVER going to wear again. You all know what I'm talking about! Those TOO SMALL clothes (that maybe I'll fit back into someday after my 4th child) or TOO LARGE clothes (that I may still use if I gain 40 pounds during my next pregnancy) or the clothes still from HIGH SCHOOL. (I know you all still have a couple of those in your closets!) So, I purged, and purged, and purged, and I felt so free. (FLYLady has been preaching this same thing to me the last few weeks.) I put a bunch of clothes aside to be given away, and I felt wonderful. Our weekend was topped off with another movie and new red nail polish for my toenails. (Yet another thing that made me feel so pretty!)

It’s really so crazy that a new shirt or nail polish can have such a dramatic change on my attitude and demeanor. I feel so warm and fuzzy when I put on my new vest or see my red toenails or think about my next date with Brad.

Something so small can change everything.

So how do I take care of myself so that I can be a better mother, wife, and friend? How do you? Life is too short to not take a moment for ourselves. I know now to take a few minutes everyday for myself, and to find money in the budget (somewhere) to buy a new shirt or get my haircut or get a massage.

Why? Because I (and my husband and daughter) am worth every penny.

Stretching of my faith

Last Friday, while I was playing with Sammy, I heard a knock at the door. I knew that it could only be one of three kinds of people who would be knocking on my front door at 3:00 in the afternoon--the Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, or (because it is election time in Minnesota) a candidate running for office. This time it was two young men in dress clothes from the Mormon Church.

I love talking to Mormons. One of the reasons I was so excited to be a homeowner was the frequent visits by friends, neighbors, and people trying to convert me to their faith.

Now while I firmly disagree with their beliefs (even though they say they are Christians and believe in Jesus Christ and the Bible), I welcome opportunities to talk with them. But I used to be so scared to talk to them. What if I couldn't remember what to say? What if I called myself a Christian, but couldn't come up with the right verses to share? What if I just sounded stupid?

So since I've been a stay at home mom, I've reviewed verses in the Bible to discredit many of their strange beliefs, studied the Mormon church, their original "prophet" Joseph Smith, his life, and his teachings and writings...knowing that I would probably have them show up at my door at some time.

After an hour and a half...that's right...a whole hour and a half, we finally parted ways. We had talked about salvation, heaven, hell, Jesus Christ in the Americas, Mary, modern day apostleship, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, among other things. Before I closed the door, the two young men asked me to just read through the Book of Mormon and pray that God would make it clear if it was truly His word. I agreed to do that. (When I did eventually read through the first 2 books in the Book of Mormon, I was so upset by what I was reading—Smith copying almost the entire book of Isaiah saying that it was a “new revelation” and writing words that he claimed my Lord, Jesus Christ had said in the Americas--that I had to put it down before I started it on fire.) Then I asked them to pray about whether Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. Because if my belief is true, they would someday stand before God the Father and have to explain why they followed the beliefs and writings of a false prophet. They also agreed. We didn’t convert each other to our respective belief systems, but I do hope I planted some seeds in their hearts.

Afterwards I gave Sammy a snack (she was so STARVING because she hadn’t gotten her afternoon snack because of our visitors) and immediately called Brad. He put me on speaker phone and I told him all about it and asked him about two questions they had for me which I didn’t have a really good answer for. I was SO THANKFUL that I only had two questions that I wasn’t quite sure how to answer—God is good! He and the rest of his office staff got a kick out of my conversation with them.

The one thing I kept repeating to them when they asked me why I believed a certain thing was, “It says so in the Bible, and I believe that it is God breathed, inspired by the Holy Spirit, accurate and completely infallible. Every belief I have is founded in the Bible.” The Bible is key to what I believe. If I can’t correctly communicate that to others, I have a serious problem.

Even though my heart was beating wildly when I first opened the door, now looking back on it, I see that I have grown and my faith has been strengthened by the experience. The Bible says that we should always be ready to give the reason for the hope that we have, and I hope that I accurately and firmly communicated that faith to those two young men.

In the hands of the Father

I realized today that I am not going to be able to protect Sammy from every danger. I knew this in my head, but I'm really coming to believe it.

I've always done a pretty good job at keeping an eye on Sammy. She's pretty obedient, and our house is relatively danger free. At least, that's what I thought until Wednesday morning.

I just turned around for a second to tend to the fire in our fireplace. When I turned back around, Sammy had gotten into an end table drawer. She had an empty package of size A23 batteries in one hand and one battery in her mouth, with her lips tightly closed. I screamed, and quickly got the battery out of her mouth. But that's when I really started to panic. I didn't know where the second battery was! I couldn't remember if Brad had already opened the plastic wrapping and used one battery. I was petrified that she swallowed one. I immediately called Brad, asked him if he had used the other battery, and continued to grill him for at least 2 full minutes when he couldn't remember right away. He finally remembered that he thought he put a new battery in his garage door opener. While he ran out to his car to check, I began to pace back and forth, with poison control's number in my hand. When he returned to the phone with good news, I finally breathed a sigh of relief, and held Sammy tightly in my arms.

Today as Sammy was walking to me, she fell pretty hard on her face. She really doesn't cry much when she falls down or hits her head, but it took me a bit longer than normal to calm her down. When her tears stopped, I happened to take a good look at her face, and I realized that she was bleeding and had put a pretty good size cut on her nose. I freaked out, washed her face, and again, held her tightly in my arms.

Now I know that kids fall and get hurt. But when it's your own child, it really affects you. Now I hear you veteran parents saying, “The older she gets and the more children you have, the less you will worry about this.” You’re probably right, but for right now, these incidents have affected me very deeply. I want her to be safe. I want her to be happy. I want to protect her from everything.

Being a parent causes you to trust God like you never have before.

I've just got to remember that He is the one who sent me this child, made me a parent, and gave me the job of loving and raising this child. And even though I can’t fully comprehend it, He loves Sammy so much more than I do. He too is concerned about her choices and her fears and her heartaches. He too wants the best for her. And, to my incredibly grateful heart, unlike me and her father someday, He will be with her always and never leave or forsake her.

The New Eve

I'm currently taking a Sunday morning class at my church called, "The New Eve." The class is about godly, authentic womanhood in the 21st century. I guess I had never really thought about that, so I was interested in learning more about it.

While sometimes Dr. Robert Lewis (he's the guy who's doing the class--via a DVD) sometimes comes across very strongly that every woman should get married, have kids, be a stay at home mom, etc, he's got some really good stuff to say. He talks about how women feel about themselves today (many are struggling with security, balance, trying to do it all, loneliness, raising children, saying 'no' etc.--and are fearing things like failing as a mother or wife, trusting God, missing out, divorce, insecurity, feeling God's love--just to name a few). He says that if we would just think about God's calling on our lives, instead of our own wants or desires (or listen to what the world tells us we should do or be), we'd live much more abundant lives and be able to figure out the issues of femininity, of motherhood, of a career, and of the freedom that our mom's generation worked so hard for us to get.

I didn't realize what a big issue this was until I started talking with some junior girls who are also taking the class. They are told (by parents, teachers, the world, or themselves) that they need to pick a major, pick a college, and be able to provide financially for themselves--without relying on family or a husband. One of the girls said that when people ask her that age old question--"what are you going to do with your life?--she replies that she simply wants to be a wife and mother. And they begin to ask her questions like, "What if your husband dies?" or "What if you don't get married right away?" or others like that.

I know that education is very important, but what happened to the high calling of motherhood? What happened to respecting women and their dedication to stay at home and raise productive, happy, well-adjusted human beings? Another one of the girls said, “I just don’t think I’m going to have time for a husband or a family.” She’s only 16 years old, and this is what she’s been taught to believe.

As the class has continued, Dr. Lewis has focused more on God’s individual calling on our lives—which may include being a mom AND a CEO. He wants us as women to ask ourselves hard questions like, “How do I please God in all this—is He glorified by me trying to do it all?” or “Do I just make the choices for my life, family, and profession based upon what the world tells me I should do?”

I have to confess, I have made choices for my life based upon what I wanted. Brad and I have been trying to get pregnant again, but as I think about it, I never once prayed about whether it was God’s will for us to add another child to our family. I only thought about the joy of another child, and holding a precious baby in my arms again.

Is it that we don’t trust God fully with our lives, or are so prideful that we don’t really care what He says, or haven’t really fully made Him LORD of our whole self? I don’t know which one it is for me, but I do know one thing—I WANT to know God’s calling on my life, and I WANT to serve Him whole-heartedly. I guess I’m just like every other Christian woman out there—trying to do it all to the best of my ability AND be a follower of Christ.

Telling myself the truth

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my identity and who I truly am at my core. I used to think my identity was found in what I did, (teaching, being a youth pastor's wife, leading a small group, being a good friend, etc.) until recently my husband calmly told me that those things did not make me who I was. I know, in my head, that I am a daughter...the most beloved of God. And I know that by not letting that truth penetrate to my heart, I making it about me and not God, which is very self-centered and prideful.

Yet some days I feel so empty...wishing I could do more with my life than just play with my daughter, read her books, go for walks, etc. Don't hear me wrong! I am completely grateful for the time I have to be at home full time with her. I do not want to take that for granted or make little of the sacrifice that Brad and I make every day so that I can be home with Sammy. It's just...I wish there was more to my life.

A friend and I are currently reading through a book called Telling Yourself the Truth. It's about focusing in on the many misbeliefs in our lives, and replacing those misbeliefs with truth, God's truth. Even though I already knew this, this book reminded me that my feelings and behavior are subject and conditioned by the way I think about myself and the world around me. Like when I go to a friend's house and see how beautifully decorated it is, I begin to wish that I could afford a new couch for my house. Those thoughts make me feel sad, and I become unsatisfied with my house and the things in it. And when friends and family members can go on vacations and pay for airplane tickets and don't seem to be in want for anything financially, I wish that we had a little more money in our budget. Those thoughts also make me envious, and I begin to wonder if we will ever have enough money for a bigger house or for a trip on our 10 year anniversary.

But as I've been reading this book, I'm recognizing what misbeliefs I have in my life. Misbeliefs like, "I can't be fully happy and secure until we make more money," or "I don't want to let people down, and I want everyone to like me," or "I'm not fully satisfied about who I am unless I'm a MOPS discussion leader or a BSF leader or something like that where I'm using my gifts." Those thoughts are MISBELIEFS! What I need to be focusing on are God's truths like, "I have all that I need--God is the all provider and He cares for me even more than the sparrows," and "I have a beautiful house--it's not about keeping up with the neighbors, but about how I take care of the things God has given to me," and “I have been given opportunities every day to use my gifts with Sammy,” and "I don't have to get the approval of everyone around me; it's alright if I say 'no'."

God doesn't look at outward appearances...what we do for Him or how we look. He looks at our heart, and if my heart is full of envy or discontentment or is ungrateful, He is not pleased. So my prayer is that I will recognize the misbeliefs in my life and replace them so that my feelings and behavior reflect truth--God's perfect truth.

My little peanut

Brad and I took Sammy in for her one year appointment yesterday. She is, in my opinion, the bravest little girl! She took her two immunization shots and flu shot like a trooper! By the time we got her dressed and ready to go, there were no more tears, and she was all smiles.

But there has been one thing that has been a bit of a concern for me. My daughter is a very little girl. She's a peanut! When Sammy was weighted and measured, she ended up falling into the 5th percentile for both. That means that 95% of children her age are taller and weigh more than she does! Sammy weighted in at 17 lbs, 6 oz. Now that seems just fine to me...until I realized that one of Sammy's little friends, Miriam, (who is only 6 months old) weights around 18 lbs! Sammy's doctor assured us that it's okay that she's so little. She's healthy and doing exactly what she should be developmentally, and is a very content and happy little girl. She's very active, and may catch up with the rest of the children her age in the next couple of months.

I am really okay with Sammy being small. Brad and I are pretty small people anyway, so it shouldn't surprise me. But what sometimes eats at me are the lies I hear in my head. Lies like, "You must not be feeding her enough," or "There must be something you're doing wrong," or "This is this going to affect her when she gets older...she's going to get teased because of her size."

I love being a mother, but sometimes I think that being a teacher was so much easier.

I loved being a teacher. I was a really good teacher, and I totally knew what I was doing in the classroom. I had been trained at a great college, and had learned from other great teachers. But mothering? I didn't have to get a four year degree for that. I didn't have to go through a long interview with a school district. I didn't need a license to become one. And I only took 10 hours of classes at my local hospital before I became one. No, I was way better trained to be a teacher than a mother.

I think every mother is unsure of herself. We think, "am I doing this right?" We always have self-doubt, and sometimes lack the confidence to live each day with a baby. We listen to what other people say we SHOULD be doing with our child, and then we beat ourselves up that other moms seem to be doing things so much better than we are.

But today I am not going to listen to those lies. Today I'm going to have confidence in myself as a mother. I know my daughter far better than any other person on this planet, and I daily do what I think is best for her. It's okay that she's not as big as her younger cousin Kaitlyn or that she's still wearing some 3-6 month clothes. It's not a competition or a race. God has created her just as she is, and in His eyes (and mine), she is perfect.

Confessions of a housewife

I have a confession to make. Now before I come clean, I have to give some background information. I love people, (I am an extrovert by nature.) and I love to cook. So it only makes sense that I would become the "hostess with the mostest." Now, my confession has nothing to do with the "hosting" part--I love to host, but it has to do with what happens before people (including the teenagers in our youth group) come over.

We have had people at our house 4 out of the last 6 weekends. Now the fact that we are SO BUSY is a topic for my blog another time, but the point is that I had to cook, clean, and prepare for company almost every week for 6 weeks. This is where my confession lies...I am an out of control, over compulsive cleaner, organizer, and neat freak. Even though I may have just cleaned the toilet 2 days ago, if we have company coming, it needs to be cleaned again. My bed has to be made every day...or else I can't seem to focus on anything else. Every mirror in my house must be clean of Sammy's little fingerprints before anyone walks through my front door. I have to have plenty of veggies, fruit, and snacks in my house for anyone who gets hungry. And I force (yes, sometimes I don't even ask nicely) my husband to help vacuum and wipe the dishes. I fly into such a panic getting everything ready for company that I'm usually working on something right up to the time people arrive.

Dr. Phil always says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." So this is my complete acknowledgement of the person I am. Now I have greatly relaxed over the years...if I don't have every meal prepared before company comes, I don't lose THAT much sleep over it...only a couple of hours. And I don't try to clean up Sammy's toys 30 seconds after she's played with them. And I don't blow up at my husband anymore if he does a quick job vacuuming and leaves one crumb on the carpet. I can even let the dishes pile up in my sink for at least a day, even though it still sometimes drives me crazy.

And what I've learned about my compulsive behavior is that it's not God honoring. I'm making THINGS more important than PEOPLE. I am giving a foothold for anger to creep into my marriage. I am working myself up so that I grimace every time I think of having people over.

I think Dr. Phil is right. But now that I acknowledge how I am, I can continue to change to a more laid back, easy going hostess. Because it is truly about people and quality time spent with them and less and less about what my house looks like or what meals I make. Because, as my husband always reminds me, "people come to see us, not our house." He does make a really good point from time to time.

A year of miracles

Yesterday was my daughter's 1st birthday, and it was a wonderful day! Not only because of the fun, food, and friends and remembering how she has changed and grown over the last year, but also because of how I've changed and grown because of her.

Nothing can prepare you for being a parent. NOTHING. I thought that since we had been married 6 years, finally had bought a house, were (relatively) financially secure, and walked beside many friends with children, that transitioning into parenthood would be pretty easy. Like I said, nothing can prepare you for parenthood. Everything I ever was and everything I ever thought I knew, changed when Sammy was laid on my chest at 7:04 a.m. Saturday, October 22, 2005.

And how have I changed? I have incredible patience when it comes to her. (I'm still working on having more patience with my husband though!) I have so much more sympathy and empathy for others because of her...tears flow so much more because Sammy has touched my heart so deeply. Little things don't bother me quite as much. Life with a baby (well, now she's more of a toddler) has made me more laid back, the laundry doesn't have to get done today and I can let Sammy take out EVERY piece of tupperware...even though having plastic dishes all over my kitchen floor would have driven me crazy a year ago.

Many friends came to our house to celebrate with us, and many more friends and family called to wish Sammy a happy birthday. But when my mom called, she asked how I was doing before she asked about Sammy. Because while October 22 is Sammy's birthday, it is also a very special day for me. It was the hardest day of my life. It was painful and hard and rewarding and joyful. (And I know that every mother out there can relate.) It was a day that I became a mother and found strength in myself I didn't know I had.

God is truly a God of miracles. Not only did He knit Sammy perfectly together in my womb and thus miraculously breathe life into my body, but He also miraculously breathed life into my soul and made me a mother...with instinct and love and a nurturing heart. So as I celebrated Sammy's first year of life and the joy that she is, I also celebrated my first year as a mom, and the miracle that God did in me.

Seize the day

I love Sammy's morning nap time. I know that she may soon stop taking a morning nap, but for now I really bask in it. And I love the quiet of my house. The dryer is lightly humming in the background, a fire is (FINALLY--it was me against the fire this morning, and I eventually won) roaring in my fireplace, and I'm fully dressed for the day (thanks Gianna...I love flylady.net!). Almost all the leaves have fallen and there's a chilly nip in the outside air.

But how often I wake up, not wanting to get out of bed, to stay in my pajamas until the afternoon, and waste away Sammy's naps by playing spider solitaire or cruising the web? I complain to others and even tell myself that my days are so boring, so repetitive, so lonely. But in reality they are such a gift...a gift I may never fully grasp until my children are older and I'm teaching full time again. I have time (almost) every day to connect with God, email friends, and play with my daughter...and what a joy that is! So then, when that realization hits me (and it hits me often), I feel SO GUILTY about my bad attitude and lack of motivation. There are so many mothers who wish for a life like mine. And then I am struck with DISAPPOINTMENT....God's disappointment in me, my husband's disappointment with me, and my own disappointment with myself. And then I don't feel like getting out of bed....and so the cycle continues. Am I the only one who goes through this?

But today, I am putting all my priorities in the right place. Get up, care for Sammy, get dressed, spend time with God, play on the internet....just a little, and then get plugging away at my list of things to do. It's Sammy's 1st birthday on Sunday, and I'm tired of always living in the past (teaching full time, living in the Cities, etc.) or dreaming about the future (getting pregnant, getting my master's degree, teaching again, etc.). A whole year has gone by, and what do I have to show for it? No, today I will "seize the day," and I hope you will too.

A new beginning

I have been wanting for some time now to create a myspace or a blog. Although my students would love for me to have a myspace, it's just too much of a teeny-bopper thing to me...and a little too complicated. (Sorry guys!) But I desire a place where I can write about what I'm learning about God and myself...and a place to chat with others about what they are learning too. There is so much value in community, and as my community has become less and less the last two years, I long for that again in my life. So here we go!