In a funk...

It's late, and I should be in bed.

But I'm uneasy and can't sleep...

I wish I was one of those people who can just go to bed and deal with it in the morning.

I hate feeling that things are unresolved...unfinished...not fully discussed or processed.

So, here I sit...
trying desperately to figure out why I am feeling the way that I am.

Have you ever had one of those days? Little things that really don't matter...until they are piled up with a million other little things? Or one (or two or three) unmet expectations and your whole evening is thrown off? Or just the realization that you aren't the general manager of the universe?

Yup, had one of those days today.

And the tricky part is that even though I'm an analyzer by nature...when I'm pregnant I become a very emotional analyzer...

not a good combo to have.

I'm trying to process and sort through all of it...while my emotions have me crying every other minute.

So, how did I get to this state? What caused it?

Maybe it's because I haven't had a date night with my husband in several weeks. (We usually have a date night once a week...and it's killing me not having some quality and quantity time with him.)

It could be the fact that our babysitter (of whom I LOVE) was unable to watch our kids 2 different times this week and I've been scrambling to find someone else.

Or then maybe it's because my house is still in utter disarray since we painted the kids' room...and IKEA did NOT have our Trofast storage in stock...even though they said it was a day and a half before...and I can't fully organize like I want.

Then again it could be four of my friends...who are all hurting and struggling and each needing something different from me...and I feel depleted and exhausted as I help carry their burdens.

Oh, and not having a Sabbath last week because we were spending time with my family also might have put a damper on things.

Then there was the "exciting new prospect" we had in our lives...that has recently been put on hold...which has caused several other things to be put on hold.

And it really doesn't help that my husband is in a funk as well...

So tonight, at Starbucks, I met with 2 other friends and poured out to them as we discussed our Beth Moore study. And even though they didn't have any answers, I know that they will be praying and just having their listening ears has helped so much.

Praise God for a community of believers!

And in the midst of our discussion, I realized that I need to focus on what I do know...

These things (and struggles) are temporary and have NO eternal value.

God does NOT allow anything to happen except what has been approved by Him and His sovereign and loving ways.

God is good...all the time...in all things.

God is God and I am NOT!

Maybe what saddens me most is that for much of the time, I believe that I have a strong faith...I believe what God says. I know He is sovereign. I trust His leading. I've become more flexible and teachable.

Yet when the "heat" is turned up and my situation changes, my true heart is shown.

And the Spirit reveals what's been there the entire time...

A lack of trust...

Pride...

Arrogance...

Fear of man...

A self-serving heart...

Selfishness...

Frustration...

How's that for a morale booster?

I long to be like David in Psalm 131...a recent Psalm I've read in Bible study.

"LORD, my heart is not proud; I don't look down on others. I don't do great things, and I can't do miracles. But I am calm and quiet, like a baby with its mother. I am at peace, like a baby with its mother."

Nope, that does NOT describe me tonight!

But even in my unrest, I know that God is with me. I know that He desires change and growth in me. I know that He is compassionate towards me. And I know He loves me.

So, as my uneasiness settles and I focus on who God is (and NOT on what temporal struggles I may have), I can sleep knowing that God already has all the details worked out. He has given me all the time, energy, and money to do what He has called me to do. He has quieted my heart and refocused my mind.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21