Self-examination

I have been free from (my personal) grad school worries for almost two weeks, but since I still had one more action research paper to edit for a member from my advisory group (did I mention it was 118 pages?), my new found freedom has ONLY been (realistically) since Wednesday.

Today, as I've thought about the last two weeks, I've realized it's been harder than I thought to adjust to a new routine and new normal. I've looked so forward to this time to be free from the pressure and stress of school, but I've SERIOUSLY lacked motivation and pretty much any drive to complete those many projects that have been put on hold the last two years.

This morning, during my Sabbath Rest, I really examined what my life has looked like the last couple of days. I've realized my priorities are GROSSLY out of whack. I have spent WAY too much time on the computer, and have neglected so many of my responsibilities and chores because I somehow think I "deserve" to be a slacker and be lazy.

Now, while I think I do need to celebrate and take a moment to enjoy being done, it should not be at the expense of my family....who have ALREADY given so much for me to complete this program over the last two years. The cost to Brad and my kids has been so great, yet I still find myself putting MY wants before theirs.

So I journaled today about what I WANT my priorities to be, and then made an HONEST list of what they have been lately. I'm ashamed to see Jenny at the top of the list.

Even after sin is exposed, dealt with and forgiven, it still sometimes has such a tight grip on our lives. I spent most of today feeling ashamed and wondering how I could be so neglectful of my family and responsibilities and so defiant against God's Word. But tonight I am drawn to Deuteronomy (which, by the way is my NEW favorite book of the Bible...that's right, my FAVORITE book!)

The Israelites have their toes on the edge of the Promised Land, and now God is speaking through Moses in his final sermon to the new generation concerning how they are to live their lives once they cross the Jordan. After a VERY heavy section on curses for disobedience and many future prophesies on how the Israelites will EVENTUALLY turn their backs on God and commit spiritual adultery, God doesn't stop there. In chapter 30, He tells them, "and when you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you...then the Lord your God will make you most prosperous in all the work of your hands and in the fruit of your womb...the Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous...

That's the great thing about our God. He's in the business of restoring and healing and reconciling. There is nothing He is unable to forgive.

So, with a new heart, a new plan, and a new set of priorities, I begin my new life, knowing that blessings AND abundant life will result from both my obedience and my gracious God.