And even though I feel I have ABSOLUTELY no right to complain...
I'm still going to.
Because, it is my blog, you know, and I can do that if I want.
Brad has only been gone since Saturday afternoon, and I'm missing him terribly.
How do single parents do it?
Actually, I think Caleb is missing him even more.
Seriously...what is wrong with me? I have two wonderful kids (most of the time), Brad's mom is visiting while he's gone and she's been so helpful, and my days have been filled with playdates, picnics, and long walks with the kids.
So, why am I complaining again?
Because today was a horrible day.
...both children were up before 6:30 and were incredibly cranky...oh, and wouldn't go back to bed. (I know some of you have children up at that hour EVERY day, but that's almost an hour and a half sooner than normal for me.) And since I hadn't gotten to bed until almost 1:00 the night before, it made for one cranky mommy.
...breakfast was a fiasco and NO food item would satisfy either child. They both whined the entire time, and refused to play together.
...Brad's mom (not sure how) slept through it all and finally woke up after 9:00. (I know she really needed the sleep, and I didn't want to wake her because I don't want to completely abuse her while she's here.)
...I thought that maybe if I took the kids out of our home for awhile, it would be better...I really, really wasn't thinking. Neither would sit still for story time at the library, Caleb threw a fit at the farmer's market AND during ALMOST the entire trip to the grocery store, and Sammy would NOT obey and received 2 spankings today...
...Once I got them down for their nap, I tried working on a picture order. After almost 2 hours, I realized I had ALREADY ordered the pictures I had painstakingly organized and cropped...and wasted precious nap time.
...Oh, and after dinner, I really wanted to make a quick run to Wal-mart. (Again, what was I thinking?) Two cranky children + almost an hour in Walmart = Bad idea.
...I finally got the kids home and Caleb in bed by 8:30, but he kept crying off and on until 10:30. I finally went in and laid with him, but he just got super excited that mommy was there and started playing. I was so tired that I didn't care...I just wanted him to sleep! After 15 minutes of that, I said, "That's it! You are going to bed, and I am leaving your room!" He cried and whimpered for almost another 30 minutes. In the meantime, Sammy had gotten up several times (trying to milk more time from Grandma), and, I think, finally stayed in bed around 10:30.
...and now, here I sit...missing my husband, wanting to eat ALL the chocolate in the house, and feeling sorry for myself.
I am such a whiner.
I have NOTHING to complain about! There are so many others who have it far worse than I do! I have a friend who will say good-bye to her husband in a few short days until NEXT YEAR! Another friend is dealing with horrible diagnoses for three of her children. Others have husbands that travel and are gone Monday through Friday EVERY week!
I am such a whiner.
What I think is really bothering me, is not so much what happened today and how terrible my chidren acted, but WHO I became today.
I was impatient...unloving...unkind...frustrated...moody...whiny...
stubborn...ungrateful...selfish...prideful...
I became all these rotten things...
and I hated it.
I want to be the perfect mom that always disciplines in love.
I want to be the perfect mom who always is cheerful and speaks to her children lovingly...and NEVER raises her voice.
I want to be the perfect mom who can manage, clean, and organize her home.
I want to be the perfect mom who can take every challenge in stride.
I want to be the perfect mom...
But that's not what God calls me to do...
He calls me to come to Him when I am burdened. He calls me to serve and obey Him, even in my failures. He calls me to cast all my anxiety on Him. He calls me to live an authentic life with others. He calls me to ask for help when I need it. He asks me first to be His daughter and to love Him fully...and not worry about my sticky floors.
So, at this early hour, I'm breathing in humility...and exhaling my desire for perfection...
and am grateful that God's mercies are new every morning.
2 comments:
Oh, jen!
i understand wanting to be the perfect mom. totally.
i understand missing your other 1/2, too! and that probably is taking it's ugly self out on the kids a bit, too.
just claim these emotions. that's okay. once you claim them, THAT's when you can move on. claim them, baby, and then be real with Jesus like you are with us. (i know you are!)
Hey Jen,
I know this is a little older post . . . but I so jived with your honesty here that I had to write and thank you.
I can say in all sincerity that I am a true and classic whiner—I've become quite good at it lately. *groans* But I am confident that despite my poor attitude, my Father loves me anyway.
Thanks for continuing to remind me of this—and also that He is strong enough to handle all the messes I can create and not undo. :)
By the way . . . I just have to tell you again how AMAZING you look. You are awesome.
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