Struggles...

I’m really struggling…

Struggling with NOT living up to other people’s standards and expectations…

Feeling like I need to make excuses or explain why I make the choices I do…

Why?

Why does it matter?

Am I really this much of a people pleaser?

Am I spending all my time trying to make others happy and make myself look good?

Confession time...

We are on WIC (Women, Infants, and Children). A good friend of mine suggested that we might qualify for this when Sammy was about a year old, and I was newly pregnant with Caleb. It's a government program that gets good, nutritious food into the hands of families with small children...as well as provide great education about breastfeeding and nutrition. Each month we receive vouchers for milk, eggs, cheese, cereal, etc. Next month, the program is going to include fresh fruits and vegetables and 100% whole grain foods. This is NOT welfare, but a federal program for those who qualify.

We receive energy assistance. A few years ago in our monthly gas bill, we received information about energy assistance for those in our county who fell into a certain income bracket. Even though we had no problems paying for our monthly bills, there is money available to assist those, like ourselves, who are currently on one income or who are forced to live paycheck to paycheck. It's another great program to make sure that those with small children and the elderly are able to heat their homes.

Because of this energy assistance, we learned about another program through Tri-County that gave free energy audits. We had wanted to pay for one, but just hadn't gotten around to setting it up. We assumed that someone would come into our home and give us a list of suggestions about how we can make our home more energy efficient. Our goal was to gradually save up and complete those projects. At the end of our audit, Dave sat us down and told us that we were going to be receiving a new high efficiency furnace, insulation, door, and vents...completely FREE! He said that there were both county and federal funds available to pay for improvements such as these.

Brad and I carefully put together a budget every year. We've decided that where our money goes shows where our values are. Because of this, we budget $30.00 a month for babysitting and $40.00 a month on marriage enrichment/dates. We've used this money to eat out, take ballroom dancing lessons, pay for nights away, etc.

We don’t watch ever watch TV except for the Minnesota Vikings (mostly Brad, but I do as well) and 2 or 3 television shows…like Survivor, CSI and the Amazing Race (mostly me). Since the change to digital, we only get 1 or 2 channels (on a good day with little wind) and have decided to not get cable or do anything to try to get a better signal.

We choose to leave our children with my parents for at least a week each year to have time together to grow and work on our marriage, to have our children get to know their grandparents and spend special time with them, and to teach Sammy and Caleb that they have many people in their lives that can care for them and love them.

I chose to go to graduate school the last two years because we felt it would be more beneficial to our family to complete it before the kids got older and busier and to do it when I wasn’t teaching full time and burdened by grading and planning. We saved up for it, and have it all paid off.

We keep track of EVERY PENNY so that we can keep to our budget...and I mean EVERY penny.

Live a bit of a crazy life because of ministry. Our weeks and evenings are busy, but are filled with wonderful experiences and opportunities. We've taken Sammy, at 9 months, to Poland on a missions trip, we put our kids to bed at other people’s houses so we can stay up and play games, and we sometimes keep our children up late at youth events so that they can be a part of our ministry.

We spend cash for all of our vehicles...which are both 12 and 15 years old and have over 150,000 miles each. We never make a large purchase without a lot of discussion, time, and prayer.

Use cloth diapers because we feel it is cheaper in the long run and better for our kids. We also spend the time making our own baby wipes, baby food, and shopping at garage sales because it saves us money.

Even though I was a teacher for six years and now have a masters in education, we have not yet decided to home school or send our children to a private, Christian, charter, or public school. It is not an easy decision that is made lightly. I feel called to be a public school teacher, and I do believe that I will return to teaching some day...

We also set aside one day a week, usually Friday, for Sabbath Rest. Brad and I take turns watching our children so that the other can spend around two hours alone with God for an extended time. We also try hard not to do projects, house work, or other things on those days, but rather spend time together as a family ou on walks, at the pool, or watching a movie. We also, typically, don't answer the phone.

We do these things because we feel they are in the best interest of our family.

We do some of these things because they are personal convictions that God has given both of us and that we feel He is leading us in doing.

We do this because we want to use our time, energy, and money wisely for God's kingdom.

So why is it so hard for me to write about these things?

Why do I feel ashamed?

Why am I so leery to share these values in our home with others...especially family?

Because I care what people think...I want to impress people...I don't want people to talk about me or look down on me because of my choices...

So I'm confessing...attempting to be vulnerable...and laying it out for all to see.

Because I want to live for an audience of One...and listen to His voice...

instead of those around me...