Summer project

I know it's almost Christmas, but I really wanted to blog about our deck...even though it's currently buried under about a foot of snow. It was a summer long project that was quite an adventure.

Ever since Brad and I became homeowners about 3 1/2 years ago, we've done a lot of smaller repairs or improvements to our 1950's home. Each year we've tackled a much larger project...like landscaping, adding a second half bathroom, and finally building a deck. As we've added children to our family, projects seem to take three or more times as long to complete.


Even though we've had the deck plans for over a year, we finally got around to starting it Labor Day weekend. It was supposed to have been a Memorial Day project, but we decided to wait until my dad could come and help...plus we needed my parents' van and trailer to haul ALL the stuff from Menards. And even though we began building Labor Day weekend, we didn't actually finish the floor and the railing until early October...and actually, we still have to add the two steps before we're finally done.

As I look back on the pictures and remember the many nights Brad spent outside (with Sammy's help) finishing the flooring, I am so grateful for my dad. He is a jack of all trades. He's able to fix pretty much anything, and he knows so much about so many things. He worked so well alongside Brad. They took more trips to Menards than they will probably admit, but they had a great time working together. My dad has the knowledge, and Brad is eager to learn. There were always a lot of laughs coming from the backyard...and a lot of groans when something didn't go exactly right.


They made a really great team. And I know that my dad loved passing on his knowledge and enjoyed being useful around the house. And Brad's grateful for the help. His dad just didn't tinker or fix things and he didn't take the time to teach or show Brad what he did know...isn't that the case with a lot of families.


So as Brad and I are thinking through what traditions and memories we want to pass down to our children this Christmas season, I'm grateful for all my dad has taught me. And I'm so thankful that Brad will teach what he's learned to his son (and daughter) someday. I am so glad that these skills will not die with my father, but will continue to be passed down to the next generation.

Thanksgiving Blessings

Brad and I had such a relaxing Thanksgiving this year! Brad had Wednesday - Monday off work, and it was SO NICE having him home. We got a LOT of things done around the house, and spent some good time with friends. My friend, Melanie, came up for two days, and she totally helped prepare the Thanksgiving meal and she watched the kids TWICE for us. We got to hang out with our Sunday School class after our Thanksgiving Eve service until the wee hours of the morning, and then we got to go shopping (at 5:00 a.m.) the day after Thanksgiving...that's a whole story in itself. There was no rush, and little worries. We did drive to Fargo on Saturday to see my parents and my brother and his kids...just for the day. It was still about 5 hours of driving, but there were no overnighters and no clean up! Sammy just LOVES playing with her older cousins, and my parents were eager to see how much Caleb had grown. Since Brad and I and the rest of my immediate family have been SO BUSY, it was the only real time we could get together...and it was just right. Brad and I REALLY needed some time just to be at home together as a family.

Not only did Melanie watch our kids, but she also took some pictures of our family...since it's near IMPOSSIBLE to take a family picture ourselves and have both children look in the general direction of the camera! She also loved on my kids! She made Caleb laugh, and laugh, and laugh. It was such a joy having her spend those days with us. And even though I wanted to bless her by welcoming her into my home for the holidays, I was the one who was truly blessed. She loved us so personally by giving Brad and me time together and by playing with my kids. She truly blessed my heart.

Rest . . .

...that's something that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

As I look back on my calendar, out of the last 12 weekends, Brad and I have spent 2 together at home. Every other weekend has been full of grad school, youth conferences, and weekends out of town. And even when we've tried to schedule time just to stay at home and do nothing, something else always seems to get scheduled in. Now I know that we have the power to say "no," and we have to start exercising that power, but some events have simply been out of our hands. And this wouldn't be all bad if Brad and I had at least a couple weeknights together. But every other Sunday is student leadership, every other Monday has been lifeguard meetings or other church meetings, every Tuesday and Wednesday are college and youth group nights, and Thursdays we meet with our small group. And if it's a Friday night before grad school, I'm studying the entire day and evening. That really doesn't leave a lot of family or couple time. We spent our last date making lists and looking at our schedules and trying to figure out how to get out of this craziness. There wasn't a lot of time for romance.

I feel like I'm drowning.

Our life has been out of control, and I think the last 6 weeks has been some of the hardest days of my married life. I feel like I'm a full time mom, a part time wife, and little else. If it wasn't for MOPS, BSF (which I haven't even been able to go to the last few weeks) and grad school (at least I get to spend 2 days with other adults who love kids and love teaching) I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. There hasn't been any time for blogging, scrapbooking, dating my husband, or time with God. I'm simply in the survival mode...get up, take care of the kids, do the laundry, read for grad school, run to church, make supper, meet with my girls...there's not a lot else.

And what really kills me is that I feel so disconnected from Brad. He went to 2 really good conferences, and I have yet to hear fully about them. I'm learning some incredible stuff in grad school, but haven't had time to share a whole lot. We barely talk about anything except for the next appointment or event on our calendar.

I miss my best friend.

This has got to be how marriages begin to fall apart. It's very subtle at first...a couple nights apart a week, less time together, focusing on the kids and not each other, simply living as roommates and not soul mates.

But there is hope.

We've decided to stay home for Thanksgiving...no packing bags and no overnighters...just a quiet holiday at home. Brad will have off 6 days in a row! Even though we'll have a few friends over on Thursday and Friday, it should be pretty low key and quiet...hopefully even restful.

Rest just may be within my grasp...

Jim and Nikki's Family Blessing

This summer, my brother, a person you would NEVER think of as a biker, got married in Sturgis, SD. It really shouldn't have surprised me though; my brother has always followed his own path. He has a history education degree, attended (I think) at least 5 differnt colleges, was in the National Guard, a captain in the Air Force, and is now a law student at UND. I still can't help but smile when I think about Jim and Nikki skipping the traditional wedding (this is the second marriage for both) and riding into the sunset on his harley.

On September 15, they had a "family blessing" ceremony at their house in Grand Forks. Brad and I and the kids, along with my parents and Jim and Nikki, and their 5 combined children (and don't forget the 3 dogs) spent Friday night at their house and Saturday preparing for the ceremony. As crazy as it was, I really enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews and helping with the set up and food. It was just so fun to be a part of the beginning of my brother's and sister-in-law's new life together.

As we were driving home Saturday night, I was so glad that we made the time in our schedule to go. But as much as I enjoyed being there, I couldn't help but think what they are up against. This isn't the typical marriage. It's hard enough for two independent people to come together in marriage, but when you add five children and two ex-spouses, it gets even trickier. Oh, and did I fail to mention that both of them are in school full time at UND? And let's not forget that the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher...I think around 60%. My mom worries, and I, at times, fear the cards are stacked against them. It's going to be much harder for them to transition into a cohesive and loving family than it was for me and Brad.

But I've been learning, especially in the last few days as I've struggled with my son and his "nursing strike"--more on that later--what I really need to be doing is to lay this and every other burden I have at the feet of Jesus. We, in our sin and our human and finite wisdom, can't have the perfect marriage or the perfect kids or the perfect life. We make a mess of so many things. Our quest for perfection can destroy us, and our worries can consume and control us.

No, EVERYTHING, no matter how big or how small needs to be laid at the feet of Jesus. And I know that is so much easier said than done, but tonight I'm fighting the urge to worry and resting in the sovereingty of my Heavenly Father.

Mommy and son

I just wanted to post a quick update about Caleb. He's over two months old, and almost 12 pounds! (I don't think Sammy hit 12 pounds until she was almost 6 months old!) He's sleeping pretty well through the night (from 9:30 to around 7:30) and is slowly adjusting to a normal daytime routine. He smiles A TON and is a pretty happy baby...except some nights when he's fussy after Sammy goes to bed. Some nights I wonder if he knows that I would like to use some of that time to clean the house and do scrapbooking and that's why he cries! He loves being read to and also watching his sister play and dance around the room. He just lights up my day, and makes me really want to have more children. (Am I crazy or what!) I just love my little man!

My Mom-in-Law

It has been over a month since I last blogged. There are a lot of reasons why I haven't found the time to blog...such as the extra hours (and 7 extra meetings) Brad has put in this past month or the fact that we had guests at our house 20 DAYS out of the last 6 weeks or because life with a newborn and a toddler is good, but still a big adjustment. And there's always laundry to do and dishes to clean and toys to put away.

But the number 1 reason is actually a really good one...it's because of naps! No, not Sammy's or Caleb's naps...but my naps! I have tried REALLY hard to get the kids down for their afternoon nap at the same time so that I can get at least an hour of shut-eye. And 80% of the time, it's actually happened. (And, I've realized that I really should have taken a lot more of them when I just had ONE child!) Naps have saved me. I'm a much nicer person to my husband when he gets home from work, and I enjoy my kids a lot more. And I know that once Caleb is successfully sleeping through the night (and he's SOOOOOOOO close), naps won't be as important and I can get back to the laundry and the dishes.

But I don't want to blog about sleeping! I want to talk about my mom-in-law. Brad's mom and grandma (from N.C.) spent a week with us right before Labor Day. I was SO NERVOUS about having both of them in my house for a whole week! I had to prepare special meals because of their diet, and Brad wasn't able to take any vacation days, and I just didn't know how helpful they would be...you know how sometimes company is more work than help. Anyway, Brad's mom was a WONDERFUL HELP! Anything I asked her to do, she lovingly did. She had a blast with Sammy, and took the kids for long walks so I could get my "scheduled" naps. Grandma even got to hold Caleb and read to Sammy. All my fears melted away, and I really enjoyed my time with them. It was such a special time for all of us.

I really love my mom-in-law, but I have been hard on her and had my moments when I've struggled with her. Life has been a lot harder for her since Brad's dad died over 7 years ago, and having her sons and her four grandchildren living so far from her is rough too. But she really is a wonderful lady. She's thoughtful and kind and wants to be a help to her daughters-in-law.

And after spending a week with her and watching her play and sing with Sammy, I am so glad God gave me her as my mom-in-law.

And then there were four...Brad, Jenny, Samantha, and Caleb

Caleb turned 3 weeks old yesterday. I still can't believe that 3 full weeks have flown by since his birth! It's been a whirlwind of activity at our house, but life is now settling into a nice routine.

I've decided that the transition from 1 to 2 children has been much easier (so far) then the transition from 0 to 1 child. Maybe it's because I was much better prepared this time around. (Thanks Gianna for all your great advice!) Maybe it's because nursing and newborn care is much more of a breeze. Maybe it's because Caleb is just an easy going baby or because I've had a lot more help this time around...Brad was home longer, my parents were here longer, we received a ton more meals...and still have a TON of leftovers in the fridge. It's probably a combination of a lot of different things, but I do know that I love having 2 kids. It's tricky at times to have 2 of them...and so close in age, but I love how gentle Sammy is with Caleb and how she asks for him almost every morning when she wakes up. I love having some time in the evening to cuddle with my "lump of baby" as Caleb sleeps on my chest. And I love how similar and different they are from one another.

So our days are filled with laughter, power naps, dirty diapers, and walks to the park. We're still sleep deprived, but Caleb has given us a couple of nights of 5 straight hours between feedings. We still have a long road ahead of us, but today, life is good. (We'll just see how well he sleeps tonight!)

Announcing CALEB JOHN AUST!

On July 10, at 5:20 p.m. Caleb John entered this world and our family. Our little family of three has now become four. Giving birth is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, but also the most wonderful and miraculous.

This labor and delivery was much different from Sammy's. Yesterday I decided to be induced by the doctor who delivered Sammy. I felt extremely comfortable with him, and he totally knew my previous delivery situation. He broke my water at 11:00, and allowed me to try and get contractions going on my own for awhile. Eventually he started me on pitocin, and after a couple of hours of no contractions (and a couple of games of Settlers of Catan on Brad's laptop...both of which Brad won...not that I'm bitter or anything) at 2:30 contractions jumped into full gear and were 2 minutes apart. By 4:00 I was dilated to a 6 or 7 and the pain was pretty intense...it's funny how easily we women forget how evil (but necessary) contractions are...and I asked for God's gift straight from heaven...a para cervical block. That’s one big needle directly into my cervix and instantaneous relief for 1 - 1 1/2 hours and freedom to move around. AHHHHHH! By 5:10, the medicine began to wear off, and I had a huge urge to push. My nurse Amy said to go ahead and push once, and Caleb began coming out. She immediately told me to stop, and she called the doctor. Three pushes later, Caleb was out. I'm still shocked by how quickly he came.

I have always been a firm believer in prayer. But yesterday I really, personally felt it. I know that many people were praying for a quick delivery and for him to be small (he was still 8 pounds and 1 ounce) and for me to be able to give birth vaginally. It couldn't have gone more smoothly.

Did I have a great doctor? Yes. Were my nurses amazing? Absolutely. Did my body eventually do exactly what it's designed to do? Yup. But what is pressed on my mind and heart today is that God is a personal God who hears our prayers and desires the best for us. He had the entire situation in His hands, and He's the one ultimately in control...not me, not my doctor, not Caleb or anyone or anything else.

And I'm so glad He is!

The Waiting Game

It is now July 6, and Baby Boy Aust still has not arrived. I've been at our hospital or clinic three times already this week to either have a non-stress test to make sure the baby is still fine. (At my appointment on Monday we learned he has an irregular heartbeat--which will probably right itself after he's born, but I've been to the hospital twice to make sure he's not under any stress and is still active and okay.) Then yesterday morning I had my doctor (who CONVENIENTLY is now on vacation for a week) strip my membranes to see if we could get baby moving. I met with another doctor yesterday, who I also really liked, which I then learned will CONVENIENTLY be gone next week on a missions trip with his son. I just can’t seem to win!

Since I'm dilated to 3 and my cervix is pretty soft and my (water) bag is bulging, I'm a great candidate to be induced simply by breaking my water. (Yeah, no pitocin!) Brad and I considered doing that yesterday morning, but we decided to see if stripping my membranes would get things rolling and to give the baby a little more time to come on his own. I'm still 8 days away from my due date, so we still have some time.

As we were trying to decide to induce or not, the nurses and doctor were placing bets on what we were going to do. (Which I think is hysterical!) The nurses were pretty proud of themselves that they were right...most of them would want the baby to come on his own...but my doctor had no one else in labor that day and he was looking forward to delivering a baby.

I had so many mixed feelings on what to do. I really liked this doctor and felt really comfortable with him...some of the doctors on call this weekend I don't like as much. And I was a good candidate to induce. We had somewhere for Sammy to be Thursday and Friday. Yet something was holding me back. Maybe it was making the final decision on when he'd be born...picking his birthday...not allowing my body to do what God designed it to do...being induced early because of my fear of a large baby and then a c-section...not having a couple more days at home with Brad and Sammy. (Brad's first full vacation day at home was yesterday, and I was really looking forward to that.) I finally decided that it was a combination of fear and lack of trust...fear of having a doctor I had heard not as good of things about, lack of trust that God would take care of me and my baby, not trusting my body to do what it's designed to do, fear of the pain of contractions.

So we spent a wonderful 4th of July with good friends, let Sammy play in her pool, and got a couple of more things done off my list...and off my mind. Plus, Brad has had a couple of relaxing days after a very grueling June schedule. I'm still very big and very uncomfortable, but I've been able to relax and practice my breathing...which should be helpful later on! I have another appointment on Monday with yet another doctor, but I learned that the doctor that delivered Sammy (who had retired shortly after she was born) is filling in and on call on Tuesday. (He was REALLY, REALLY good, and performed para-cervical blocks instead of the traditional epidural...which I loved!) Plus he already knows my special circumstances. So I think we will ask for him to break my water on Tuesday if baby doesn't show up before then.

And now we wait. I’m excited, anxious, tired, and relaxed all in one. I feel content about what we decided to do, and I’m trusting God, my body, and the doctors and nurses. So all I can do is stay cool…and wait to meet my precious baby boy.

Baby Boy...arriving soon!

I am one day shy of 38 weeks, and I'm SO READY to be done being pregnant! I can't remember being this big and this uncomfortable with Sammy, but chasing after a toddler (in 90 degree heat) can't be helping matters. But my bag is packed. (I FINALLY got to that when I found out last week I'm dilated to 3 and my cervix is softening pretty quickly.) And so is Sammy's. (It kinda dawned on me that she needs one too!) The kids' room is painted. (I love saying kids!) Brad and I kept the purple we had originally for Sammy and added some blue and yellow stripes...it looks kinda crazy from this picture, but it sure is fun once we got everything done! And after finishing a few small things around the house later this weekend, I think we'll be as ready as possible for Baby Boy...well, except for his name. Brad and I are still working on that!

But while I'm ready to be done looking like I swallowed a basketball, I'm not sure I'm ready to be a full-time mother of two. I feel really confident about the whole newborn baby thing, and I'm so excited for Sammy to have a sibling...one that will spend hours watching her run and sing and read and giggle. But life is so easy now...especially with only one child! Sammy goes everywhere with us and completely adjusts to whatever craziness we have going on. She's laid back, will sleep in a pack-n-play anywhere, and is so incredibly fun. How will I balance time with both of them? Will I have enough energy to care for them both?

Maybe it's the fear of not having another Sammy. Maybe it's remembering what a contraction feels like. Maybe it's giving up more of myself...less time with Brad, less time scrapbooking, less sleep. Maybe it's a lack of trust...in God, myself, and God's grace.

I'm not sure. But in the midst of my excitement and joy, I do feel apprehension, anxiety, and a hint of fear. While so many things about labor and delivery and nursing and a baby will not be new to me, there is still so much more that will be.

So I will spend as much time with Sammy and Brad and my scrapbooks as I can, and KNOW deep down inside that this is just a season. Sammy's 20 months of life have FLOWN by. And I will never get these years back.

My brother...

For the past two months, Brad and I have been INCREDIBLY busy with graduation open houses, youth group and small group activities, people visiting, etc. (Hence why I haven’t blogged in awhile!) We finally went on a date two days ago...one that I had been planning for over a month! Tomorrow Brad begins Missions: Brainerd, a local missions trip, and he'll be leading that until Thursday. Then my parents will be here that same day, and then two days later Andy and Jenn (new youth pastor and wife...yahoo!) will be here. INSANE! Brad's going to try to fit in some comp (and vacation) days around the 4th of July, but then Baby Boy should be here shortly after that. I cannot wait until then! It will be SO NICE to have some days together as a family preparing for the baby and going on fun excursions in the area with Sammy.

But what I wanted to blog about was Memorial Day weekend. My parents were supposed to come...my mom got VERY sick just days before and her doctor wouldn't let her travel. But my brother Jim, his three kids, his finance (YAHOO!) Nikki and her two daughters came for two days. We had such a great time with them! My relationship with my brother was really good in high school, but then became really rocky when I was in college and early married. But over the last two years, we’ve really come a long way. We’re talking much more, and actually asking brotherly/sisterly advice from one another. It’s been really wonderful connecting with him again.

And the greatest thing is not only having that type of relationship, but also seeing so much growth in his life. Last summer, he was an Air Force Captain, but chose to leave the military so that he could maintain full custody of his three kids. He gave up something he loved (and was good at) so that he could be a full-time parent. He’s now working his way through law school. (Yes, he’s insane.) He met a wonderful girl (Nikki) last fall, (who is also in school full-time) and I just think she’s great! He just recently proposed, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

While my brother’s family was here, we grilled out, hung out around the house, and went swimming. Sammy had such a great time being chased by her cousins! And even though it was crazy having six kids in the house, it was treasured time.

My prayer today is for Jim and Nikki. I pray that they will adjust to married life, the blending of two families, and full-time school and work. I pray that they would fully commit to their church, and grow together as a couple. And I pray that my brother and I would continue to grow our relationship as well.

Youth Worker's Retreat

Every year, our Evangelical Free Church district hosts a retreat for all Minnesota youth workers and their families at Camp Shamineau. We haven't been able to go in two years, but this year we were SO EXCITED to get to know some other youth pastors and their wives and just to get away for the weekend. May and June have become our busiest months since last August, and Brad (especially) and I were feeling a heavy burden.

We had such a wonderful time connecting with some old friends (Dave & Tina and Kyle & Emilie) and meeting some new ones. It was fun to "go to camp" with Sammy. She loved playing on the playground, walking around camp, and seeing Shamineau Island. (She wasn't too sure about the ponies though...maybe next year...but she LOVED campfire donuts!) Brad got to give everyone an update about our youth pastor search...Andy and Jen will be here in a month! Yahoo! And I stayed up WAY TOO LATE talking with 4 other wives on Friday night.

While I know that Brad had a nice time, he still gets drained by building new relationships and talking youth ministry. I think he walked away with a better perspective on who he is and how God is continuing to use him. Plus Brad has some great ideas he was able to share. But it was probably more of a restful break for me. I loved having Brad around all weekend, and childcare was provided for all the sessions. I forgot how good it was to hang out with other YP wives...and share the sorrows and joys of ministry, parenting, motherhood, and youth group students. We laughed and laughed and laughed! I also got to hang out with Betsy (Reece) Anderson. She was a couple of years older than me at Northwestern, and I look up to her so much. She is a fountain of wisdom and information. I loved soaking up all that she shared.

I love being a mom. I love being married to a youth pastor. And I love being at Lakewood. It is an incredibly healthy church, and throughout the weekend I was reminded again and again of that. (Some of our friends are in REALLY hard situations at their church...very similar to our last church, and I was filled with such empathy for them.) But some days are rough. Some days I miss going on youth retreats. I miss getting up and going to work every day. I miss having free time to do what I like and to be spontaneous with my husband.

But when I shift my eyes off myself and onto all that God has blessed us with, I truly see the selfishness of my ways. And along with being being refreshed and energized from being with some truly wonderful people, I am overwhelmingly grateful for all I have.

Picture Time!

Sammy's almost 19 months old and is becoming quite a little lady! She is adventurous and playful. She still is quite independent...we'll just see how that goes when baby brother shows up! She is so very kind and sweet. There is nothing she fears (which freaks out her mother), and she says "hi" to everyone she meets. She is such a joy!

A Mother's Fear

Several months ago Brad and I planned a mini-vacation to the Cities before baby #2 came. Because Sammy will probably never remember life without her baby brother, we wanted to do some fun things just for her. We wanted to capture some memories of a time when it was just the three of us.

We did have a wonderful time playing and relaxing together. We went to Como Zoo, the park at the Mall of America, and various parks. (I’ll post some AWESOME pics of Sammy in the next day or two.) Brad and I even went to a Twins game together...but that's a whole other story...the Twins were losing 8-0 by the 5th inning...let's just say it wasn't very pretty.

But our relaxing and fun weekend came to an abrupt end Saturday evening when we picked Sammy up from my friend Melanie's house. Melanie is an old friend. She’s been a nanny for years, and I trust her immensely with Sammy. So it was a no brainer to leave Sammy with her while Brad and I were out.

But as Brad was packing up the car, Sammy, who had been playing quietly and independently while I was gathering her stuff, grabbed her crotch/private area and started screaming and crying. Mel said Sammy had done that 2 or 3 times that afternoon and said that she had no idea what was wrong. They had gone to the park, played in the sand, and then Mel had given her a bath because she thought Sammy had gotten some sand in her diaper and it had irritated her skin. But Mel didn’t see any sign of redness or irritation. I sang to Sammy, calmed her down, and in 1-2 minutes, she was back to her normal self. Then 10-15 minutes later she did it again. I checked her diaper and after all three of us held her down, we realized she had a little bit of bleeding in that area. Sammy screamed and cried the entire time. At this point it was around 7:30, and all the Urgent Cares were closed. I called a nurse from our church and my friend Gianna to get some advice. We finally decided to take her to the Children’s Hospital.

Brad and I were torn about what to do. Aside from 3-4 times of this unexpected screaming/crying outbursts, she was COMPLETELY normal. We thought about just driving home and taking her in the next morning or to our ER in Brainerd. We didn’t know if it was just a bad case of diaper rash…or something more serious. We checked in and while we were waiting to see a doctor, Sammy had 4-5 more outbursts. It was the oddest thing to see a perfectly normal, smiling child one minute, and a screaming, crying child the next.

A nurse practioner first examined Sammy, and she said Sammy had a tear in her private area. Then the next few minutes were filled with words like “abuse”, “social services”, “injury uncommon to girls this young”…etc. Situations I had never thought (or feared) about flooded my mind. Brad and I were SURE that NO ONE had done anything to Sammy. She had been on a TON of rides and swings that weekend, and we thought that could have caused it. Eventually, a doctor came in and examined Sammy and ruled out any possible abuse. He said it was common for girls to have “straddle” injuries from monkey bars or other playground equipment, but usually not this young. Although they couldn’t figure out an exact cause, the final diagnosis was a straddle injury. We would have to keep the area covered in cream, give Tylenol as needed, and were told the area should heal itself.

As we walked out of the hospital at 10:30, we were so relieved that Sammy would be okay. But as we drove home, so many thoughts went through our mind. What if social services were called? What if Melanie was investigated? What would happen to her career? What if this would have happened while Sammy was in my care or Brad’s? What if we were investigated? How would that affect his profession? What if something did happen to Sammy? While we were grateful for the questions they asked and the care they gave Sammy, it was absolutely terrifying to think that my daughter could be the victim of abuse.

It was a brutal reminder of what an evil world we live in. While there is beauty and warmth and wonderful things around us, there is also hurt, pain, cruelty, and evil. I was reminded today, again, that this world is not my home. This world was not as God intended it to be. There will be painful things that touch my life and the lives of those I love. But God is sovereign. Nothing touches us except what He has allowed. He desires the best for us, and His ways are higher than ours. He works for the good of those who love Him, and He constantly conforms us to the likeness of His Son. And what this world means for evil, He means for good and for His glory.

What do non-Christians do when the evil of this world falls on them? What hope do they have? How does fear and worry not overwhelm them?

Today I’m not quite so emotional and weepy, and I can put my emotions aside and focus on the character of God. Today I am overwhelmed by His promises and His great love for me and Sammy. Today I am reminded that He has not given us a spirit of fear, and that I can trust Him…no matter what.

Rich

Currently my women's multi-generational Sunday School class is watching Rob Bell's "Nooma" videos. Each video is about 10-15 minutes, and the rest of our class time we spend in prayer, small and large group discussion, journaling, reading scripture or other devotional type passages. Each class has hit a spiritual cord in my life, and I've loved learning and discussing these topics with both my junior girls and older women in our church.

This past week was pretty profound for me. It was entitled "Rich." Rob Bell first began by listing some staggering statistics of what percentage of the world's population owns a car or has running water or has more than one pair of shoes. As he talked further and we later discussed as a group, I couldn't help but think about all that I had. The things that I've longed for (a new couch, minivan, new flip-flops) just faded from my mind. I realized how blessed I truly was...not only by material possessions, but by my family, friends, and church.

Then I began to think of what materialism has done in my life...made me discontent and envious. Just a few nights ago, Brad and I read this passage from Shepherding a Child's Heart. "If man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, how do we teach children to function in this culture? We teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We fill their young lives with distractions from God. We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God." It was a pretty convicting passage for us. So then should Brad and I sell everything we have? Should we stop buying toys for Sammy? Where is the balance?

I think God gives for a reason…He blesses us so we can bless others. And no matter how much or how little we have, ALL of us can give something everyday...our time, knowledge, kindness, help, love...the list goes on and on. And isn't that what the first church in Acts 2 was all about?

Maybe the real question is not be how much money I spend on Sammy, but who will I bless today?

Forgiveness

In August of 2002, Brad and I left a church in Wisconsin where he had been serving as youth pastor for almost four years. It was a very hard and painful situation, but we felt Brad could no longer serve in a church in which he and the senior pastor had such different philosophies of ministry and struggled with respecting one another. Even though we believe to this day that it was the healthiest decision (for us, the senior pastor, and the church) to leave, it was one of the toughest decisions we have made in our almost 8 years of marriage.

In the years that have followed, we have worked through many issues such as healing, forgiveness, and bitterness. We attended a wonderful church right after our move that brought a lot of healing and laughter back into our lives. And now Brad is doing what he loves...working with students with like-minded people in a very healthy church. He is surrounded by men and women with very similar philosophies of ministry, who have been great supporters, encouragers, and mentors to him. We could not be happier with where God has placed us.

In the last week, though, we have learned of some very hard times at our former church. Some situations have arisen which may ultimately cost the senior pastor his position. In the few details that were shared with Brad, one of them was that Brad should feel very vindicated by what has been brought to light.

A few years ago, I would have said, “Absolutely! It serves the senior pastor right for all the pain he put us through!”

But today, all I can think of is the pain that he and his family must be going through. How will he be able to leave a church he has pastored for 20 years? How will this affect his wife and 8 children…5 of which are still at home? How will this affect him emotionally and physically? How can he leave an 8,000 member community of which he knows and loves?

No, I’m realizing that the #1 person who really needed to change and really needed healing was me. I was the one holding onto bitterness…holding it against him that he forced us away from our students and from a teaching position that I loved. I was harboring ill will against him for causing us so much pain and heartache. While he was not innocent in what he did and said, I also was as guilty for “hating” him for what he had done to us.

God does have perfect timing though. Just this past week, my BSF lesson focused on Romans 12:9-21. In this passage, Paul gives 26 commands on how to love God, God’s family, and your enemies. One of the questions asked in my lesson was, “Think of a personal enemy…” I stared at that question for quite a while until I thought of our former senior pastor. But in the midst of writing his name down, I was overcome with such a sense of compassion that it immediately caused me to stop everything I was doing and pray for him, his family, and our former church. He is no longer an enemy of mine. His sins, just like mine, where paid for by Christ on the cross. Even if this situation had not come up, I do not need to wish harm on or to avenge the situation any longer.
I thought this happening would give me such a sense of relief and justification. But it hasn’t. It’s only brought my past sins to light and forced me to deal with them. It’s also given me compassion and empathy I didn’t know I had.

Forgiveness is powerful. It is not natural or easy. It is something done in the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit.

And it is something that I’ve needed to give for a long time.

Ode to my husband

Yesterday I was overcome with what an amazing man I am married to. I was sitting at my MOPS table, having a wonderful time chatting about our kids and our lives, and as I listened to the other women share about their husbands and what they do (and don't do) around the house, with the kids, etc. I was so proud to be married to Brad.

Now Brad is not perfect (and neither am I), but he does have some wonderful qualities. He's always had a good financial mind. We began investing early in our marriage and paid off all our college debt in just 4 1/2 years. We keep a pretty tight budget, but Brad has encouraged us to save a good amount in case of an emergency. He's knows some about car and home repair, but he's always willing to spend the time to research and ask people who know. He's not afraid to try to do something on his own or something new. (And I've learned it's okay if it takes him longer than normal or if he makes a big mess in the process.)

He's kept our marriage a priority and has added a "marriage enrichment" category to our budget so that we spend money on ourselves and dates and flowers for me! We've done three marriage retreats in 7 1/2 years, and have taken numerous adventurous trips together.

Over the years, he's helped me grade student's homework, traveled with me to speech meets in Wisconsin, stayed late with me at school, and has videotaped and done photography for my musicals. He's always supported my teaching and has even shown me tough love as I've tried to do too much. He's been my biggest encourager, and has agreed to make the financial sacrifice so that I can go to grad school this fall.

Daily I am so grateful for his love and devotion to Samantha. There is nothing he wouldn't do for her, and he is a big help with her in the evenings and weekends. He can make her laugh like no one else can. Even though we do cloth diapers, he's never complained about changing her. He even dresses her and does her hair from time to time. And as I've gotten bigger and more uncomfortable, he's stepped up and given Sammy baths and has given me the chance to rest.

He's still my best friend and I would rather be with him than anyone else. And even though we don't always do it very often, we do read marriage and parenting books and pray together. Even if the business of life gets in the way, I know that it is still a priority to him that we do it.

I often take Brad for granted and just expect him to do certain things and be a certain way. But I'm learning that a lot of husbands out there are NOT like Brad, and he really does a lot for me and for our family.

And for that I am very grateful.

TV Junkie

Brad and I have created a monster!

About two weeks ago, we turned the TV on one morning so Sammy could watch Sesame Street for awhile so we could finish some things. Now up to this point we really didn't let her watch a lot of TV. Sometimes the news would be on in the background while she was playing or we'd watch Survivor together until her bedtime. I would occasionally put in her Baby Einstein video, but I would sit and watch it with her and talk with her about what she was seeing and hearing. I NEVER wanted to be one of THOSE parents who used the TV as a babysitter...

Well, she enjoyed it so much that she watched almost all of it and then asked for more. Because it was a very crazy week and I had a lot to do, I put in her video and continued my chores. I couldn't believe how much I got done in that short hour and a half! Before we knew it, we'd turn Sesame Street on at 9:00 most mornings so Brad and I could eat breakfast together and spend a little time together before he headed off to work at 9:45.

Now fast forward a week. Brad and I rented a video one night and found out that we could also check out 3 additional children’s videos for FREE. Well, the one Baby Einstein video was getting pretty boring, so I grabbed 3 videos for Sammy. Before I knew it, Sammy was turning both the TV and VCR on every morning after breakfast and asking for a video EVERY DAY. Brad and I looked at each other and realized that in a few days, we had created a TV JUNKIE!

So we’ve gone cold turkey and stopped letting Sammy watch videos or Sesame Street for a few days. Her whining and pouting has increased dramatically, but I know it’s our own fault. Now, after 3 days, she doesn’t even go for the TV or VCR. But of course, I’m on the floor playing with her more and putting my housework on hold.

It’s funny. As I watched Sammy pout yesterday, I realized that God was also shaking His head at me and lovingly say “No” …just like I did with Sammy.

One Saturday, Brad and I test drove a Toyota minivan and a Honda Odyssey. Now two months ago, we had decided that we would wait to buy a minivan until our Honda Civic or Accord died. (They both have between 100,000 and 145,000 miles on them, but are still in really good condition.) We were both content with that. It would be tight on long trips with two kids, but we thought we could make it work. Then last week we started looking at our savings and playing around with some numbers and decided that we could look at minivans and if the right one came along, then we’d consider it. And when I test drove that Odyssey (knowing that we just wanted to get a feel for it and were not really interested in purchasing THAT PARTICULAR ONE), I was blown away by its handling on the road and all the features. I REALLY wanted a minivan…and even though it was several thousand outside our price range, I really wanted THAT minivan.

I spend the rest of the weekend thinking about a minivan and how badly I wanted one right now! And after looking at our finances again and seeing how much we could get for our Accord, we realized we actually had less to spend than we thought. Now I was really upset.

I had caught the materialism bug and started pouting about not getting my own way.

It took me awhile to really lay it at God’s feet, and after Brad and I prayed about it, I am more content with just how things are. There is an older Odyssey with more miles on it for sale that we may go look at, but we’re not holding our breath. If it fits into within our budget, then great. If not, our Accord will do just fine.

We, as humans, often create trouble for ourselves…more than we think. We call it bad luck or blame it on someone else. But our decisions and desires motivate us to be like the world…with its materialism and self-centeredness. Just this week we studied Romans 12:1-2 in BSF. It’s hard to not be influenced by the world, but it is reasonable for us to not conform to the pattern of this world and to offer ourselves as living sacrifices because of what God has done for us. It is not easy sometimes, but it is reasonable for God to ask this of us. Our desire to obey God should overflow from every pore in our bodies because of His mercy and what He has already done in our lives.

So even though it’s been a tough lesson to learn, I really don’t want Sammy OR MYSELF to have too much media influence…because the more I listen to the world, the more I take my focus off God and His many blessings in my life.

The Big 3-0!

On Friday I celebrated my 30th birthday. Brad (whose 31st birthday was yesterday) and I had wanted to plan a game/movie night with some of our friends here in Brainerd, but almost every night since March 1 has been booked with some other event or activity. So perhaps later this month we can have a belated celebration with friends.

Brad and I did have a wonderful evening together, just the two of us. Even though we take Sammy pretty much wherever we go, we decided to get a sitter. And as I think about it, over the last year we've only really gotten sitters for Sammy if we're doing a group date or some special event for MOPS. I guess it really hasn't been a big deal for me to pack up some food or toys for her and take her along. I've just gotten used to waiting on her first before eating or carrying her around on all my errands. And she's usually such a great kid, we almost never have any disobedient behavior.

But on Friday Brad arranged a babysitter, and we had such a relaxing time together.

We went on a long walk in a really pretty part of town, went out to eat (at a restaurant that gives free meals on your birthday), ran a quick errand at Menards, and finished our evening at Cold Stone (where they also give you a free LOVE IT original ice cream if you join their on-line fan club). Now all these things we could have done easily with Sammy. But, especially during the meal, I realized that when Sammy's with us, I almost never eat my meal when it's fully warm. I realized that I didn't have to carry her food cooler or diaper bag. And there was no getting her in and out of the car seat (which is a task I DO NOT enjoy). We had some really good conversation on our walk and during our meal, and I felt so relaxed that I almost forgot I had children!

Even though Brad and I work really hard at making sure we have time together and time for each of us to spend without Sammy, I spend so much time with her that she's almost like having another arm. While I think it's good not to feel inconvenienced by your child and to add them into all areas of your life, I also think time away from her makes me a better mom. And maybe I don't mind being with her so much because I know how CRAZY life is going to get in four months when her baby brother shows up.

I still can’t quite put my finger on it…but I do know that as I become older and more children are added to our family, the time I spend without them is sometimes just as important as the time I spend with them. Because the more relaxed and refreshed I am, the better mom I am to them.

IT'S A BOY!

When we learned what we were having with our first pregnancy, we decided to keep the gender to ourselves and family and close friends. We didn't tell anyone in the Brainerd area...especially the students in our youth group. It was a secret that Brad and I only knew...a game...one that we enjoyed greatly! But with this one, we didn't want to put people through that torture. (Once was good enough!) So when we had our ultrasound this week, we've told pretty much anyone who would listen that we're having a boy.

While I am so excited (and a bit scared) about having a boy, what is more exciting is the fact that the baby is healthy, active, and growing. Seeing a picture of your unborn child moving and squirming and sucking his thumb...from inside you...is something that touches your soul. Even though you KNOW you are pregnant and are carrying a child, seeing his or her little face on the screen makes it become so much more real.

I've been very blessed to have had two major ultrasounds with both pregnancies. When I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant with Sammy, (and very, very sick) the Lakes Area Pregnancy Support (LAPS) just received their very first ultrasound machine and was looking for volunteers. Even though Sammy looked more like a bean with little sprouts for arms and legs, it was such a miracle to me. Then seeing her again at 22 weeks was so wonderful to see how she had grown...how God truly knit her together inside my body. With this pregnancy, LAPS was updating their machine and again needed models. What a treat to see the baby two days in a row!

Tonight I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I am still reveling in the fact that there will be a lot more blue around the house in a few months. I am also becoming a little more nervous about how I will do with a 20 month old and a newborn. I’m also thinking about how Sammy’s younger brother might just overtake her in size if she continues to grow at the rate she is.

But the most important thought is not about what his name will be or what colors to paint Sammy’s room to make it gender neutral, but it’s a thought and spirit of thankfulness. Because while I’m sitting here feeling my son kick and squirm, a good friend of mine just miscarried last week. And even though things could change in a minute, I am thankful for this moment and for whatever God has planned for me, this baby, and our family.

Parenting

Last night I felt like failure as a parent.

Let me back up a bit. Yesterday was an INSANE and busy day. Brad and I carpooled to church yesterday and were up and out the door with Sammy before 8:15. I fed Sammy breakfast at church, and then went to MOPS by 9:00. After MOPS, I ran a bunch of errands with Sammy and finally got her home and fed and put down for a nap by 1:00. Then, by 2:06 she was WIDE AWAKE and grouchy. I tried to put her back down, but we had to leave by 3:00 because Brad and I had an appointment at 3:30. So after an hour nap and no real play time at home, we jumped back in the car. After our appointment, we hung out with some students and then drove to the mall to go for a walk. We ran into more students and parents we knew, and ended up walking until almost 6:00. We quickly drove home, inhaled supper, and then Brad headed to a student's basketball game that was about 45 minutes away, and I put Sammy BACK in the car and went to our parenting small group at 7:00. We really didn't know any of the other couples, and they had already met the previous week. So I got there and all introduced, and then my child...my quiet, play by herself, independent, obedient child...became demon possessed. It was as if she had never been told "no-no" or disciplined or had ever left her house. She was pushing buttons on the VCR and pulling books off the shelf and running down the hallway and kicking me when I held her. It was an absolutely miserable evening. (Oh, did I mention the topic for the evening was discipline…what kind to use and when to use it.)

I finally got home around 9:00, changed Sammy, and got a book and her blanket and read to her. Even though I was feeling so defeated, I spoke quietly to her and told her there wasn’t anything she could do to make me love her less, and then I read to her and put her to bed. But I still felt like such a failure.

After a lot of venting when Brad got home, he reminded me that my self-esteem cannot be tied into Sammy’s behavior. There’s nothing I can do to make Sammy obey all the time. No matter how obedient she is, she will never be perfect. She, like everyone else in this world, has the sin nature inside her. And even though I have been living in a dream world because Sammy HAS been so obedient, I know that dream is gone.

We also talked about why Sammy misbehaved so much. She was in the car more than she was home. She didn’t nap well. She didn’t have any quality face-to-face time with me. And, the most important realization, we had become very relaxed about what we let Sammy touch at home. We had not been as consistent as we have been or should be. We were in fact failing her in that way.

Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes time, energy, patience, wisdom, and a whole lot of love and prayer. And I don’t think I’ll ever get it just right.

But today, after some sleep and some good old quiet time with God, I know I don’t have to.

Budget Obession

I confess. I'm obsessed about our budget. Ever since I became a stay-at-home mom, I have handled 98% of the cooking, cleaning, errands, and bills at our home. Even though sometimes I wish I could have a day off, I genuinely enjoy being a housewife. I love making sure every bill is paid on time and also making sure we never run out of toilet paper, dishwasher soap, diapers, etc.

But I'm realizing I'm an obsessor when it comes to our budget.

This year is by far the tightest for Brad and me. For the first 6 years of our marriage, I taught full time, and then for a little over a year, I was able to work part time. But we are solely relying on Brad's income for 2007, and even though we are so thankful for his job, it's still a scary thing.

I'm grateful that we are able to spend less than we make, and we are blessed to have money saved in case of an emergency. But other than that, there is no give in our budget. Daily I enter in receipts or pay a bill via EFT or through our credit card or just check to make sure we're not spending too much in one area. I do this every day...even if I don't need to pay a bill, write a check, or enter in a receipt.

I truly am an obsessive, control freak.

I've been thinking that maybe it's because I want something in my life I can control...since I really can't control my husband, daughter, the weather, my parents, the stock market, or anything else. Or maybe it's because I worry that we'll be able to provide for Sammy and the new baby. Maybe it's because I just like numbers...

I just don't know.

I do know that we do have all we need for this day. My daughter is growing so slowly that I doubt she'll need any new clothes soon...even though I'm tired of dressing her in the same 9-12 month clothes she's been wearing since October. Our couch has been a wonderful fort and jungle gym for her...even though as I'm becoming more pregnant I'm having a greater difficulty in getting out of it. Our cars are running well...even though I still wish from time to time that we had a mini-van. And there is plenty of food in our fridge...which gives me no reason to want to spend money eating out.

It's a good thing there's no "just because Jenny wants to" category in our budget or we'd really be in trouble.

Balance

I was going to blog about our GREAT date on Tuesday night…which happened to be a Murder Mystery Dinner Date with my MOPS group…and maybe I still will write about it. But today I’m struggling with balance, selfishness, motherhood, and marriage.

I love being a mother. But being a mother is SO different from every other job I’ve had. It has INCREDIBLE perks…watching your child learn something new, seeing the world through her eyes, knowing nobody can fix it except Mommy, sweet hugs and kisses, etc. But you never really have a vacation day or clock out from it. It’s a 24-7 job. There’s no monetary pay, and it’s the most exhausting job EVER.

But we all know that. The trick is trying to do this CRAZY job and to not let it damage your marriage or turn you into a bitter, selfish person.

This is where my struggle lies. I feel this week I have been asking a lot of Brad. I have caught myself saying things like, “Can you put her to bed tonight since you weren’t home last night and will be gone again tomorrow night.” I’m letting my bitterness creep into my speech and in the tone of my voice. I do appreciate ALL that Brad does, but where’s the balance? How much do I ask of him? Is he on “daddy duty” the minute he walks through the door at 6:00? How much should I watch, play, feed Sammy on Thursdays (his only sacred day off every week…and even last week it wasn’t ENTIRELY off) or ask him to do? Is it fair or right that I want to also enjoy the day and get some extra things done because he’s home? I do have MOPS every other week, and BSF every Thursday morning…shouldn’t that be enough to recharge me?

And now, the question of the day, is it right of me to ask him to take Sammy to a student’s basketball game (at 7:30) tonight (which we had planned to go as a family) so I can scrapbook with a friend…even though scrapbooking was last minute notice and I JUST had an all day scrapbooking day a few weeks ago? And even though I really am OKAY with not scrapbooking tonight, how do I get rid of this nagging feeling that Brad doesn’t want to take her to student’s activities because she’s too distracting or because he wants to enjoy the event himself. Hasn’t he ALWAYS said that he wants students to see him as a father and to do ministry with his family present?

I want to have a healthy balance, and I want Brad to spend quality time with Sammy…not just take her off my hands so I can make supper or do the dishes. I am grateful to have Brad home most mornings until 10:00, but then he’s only home around 5:30 or 6:00 about 5 nights a week…which only gives him about two hours with Sammy at night. So am I right in expecting more from Brad, or am I just being selfish and desiring to have a break…even though I KNEW life would be like this when I first got pregnant. Maybe I should just suck it up and give Brad a break since he’s bringing in ALL our income.

Where is the balance? I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t like this nagging, uneasy feeling, and I want to be the mother and wife and friend that God has called me to be.

But today, I’m just not very sure what that is.

Valentine's Day

Brad and I decided early in our marriage that we weren’t going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We felt it was an advertising ploy to get consumers to spend money to those they should be showing love and appreciation to during the rest of the year. Plus it created unrealistic expectations for both men and women…which sometimes created a lot of hurt and anger if those “expectations” weren’t met.

Because of this, we’ve been able to enjoy some real and memorable surprises that have landed on this day.

Two years ago, I raced home from school and took one of many pregnancy tests. We had been trying to get pregnant for several months with no success. But I was sure on this day that I was finally pregnant. I had wanted to take it when Brad was home, but I had devised a way to tell Brad the news that was a bit different. After I found out I was truly pregnant, I raced to Brad’s office and put on my best Academy Award performance about how I had taken a test and it had been negative AGAIN. He consoled and comforted me, and then I pulled out the test. He looked at me quizzically, and I finally told him the truth. We celebrated that February 14 at the Green Mill with a heart shaped pizza.

This year Brad told me that we were going out on the 13th, but he didn’t give me ANY details. For almost a month Brad kept it a secret from me…which is hard for him to do. So last night, the babysitter that Brad had previously set up arrived. We drove off, and Brad pulled into a local movie rental place about a mile from our house. Now I was really confused! Why were we at a movie rental place when we had just left Sammy with a babysitter at home! Within just a couple of minutes, Gene and Julie Squires and Dawn and John Bolduc…the two ministry assistants that Brad works with and their husbands…showed up. Julie and Dawn also had NO IDEA what was going on. We figured out that we were doing a triple date, but we didn’t know what we were doing. So we jumped in our cars and drove to Crosslake, a nearby town. We drove up to the Log Church for what ended up being a dinner theater. The meal was great, and we had a wonderful time being together and listening to the performance. Brad did a great job!

One of the things that has been hard for me to learn in my marriage is to not make unrealistic expectations for Brad. I have cried many tears and have gotten angry at him many times because of my foolish thinking. But I have learned not to over analyze what he may or may not be doing or planning, but to be grateful for the times he surprises me with flowers or with a meal out.

And instead of chocolates or roses, I have a wonderful memory of good friends, good food, and a great evening out.

Corrections

When I blogged about Brad and me in the Cities on Tuesday, I failed to mention a couple key facts. First of all, because of the *great* weather, we didn't get to Chris and Gianna's house until around 9:30, but I did end up staying until a little after 3:00...so it wasn't quite MOST of the day. Next, Gianna's new baby girl, Brin, had a doctor's appointment so she was gone from about 10:00 until around 12:30, so I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wished to. BUT I did get to spend that time with her other daughter Maya and Chris, who is not only Gianna's husband but also a former co-worker from not just one job, but three different jobs over the last 10 years. That's right...three different jobs...and somehow we are still friends!

So while I spend a lot of time in my blog talking about my girlfriends from the Cities, my girlfriend's husbands are just as important. Because even though both our girls were keeping us busy and we didn't have a chance to talk about anything else but them, it was sure nice to hang out with Chris.

So I'm grateful to not only have these great girlfriend relationships, but to also have relationships with their husbands...who are more than just "their husbands" but my good friends as well.

Blogger blues

It's been awhile since I blogged about anything, and as I thought about what to blog about, I felt like nothing was really happening in my life worth talking about. Have you ever felt like life was moving all around you and you were simply along for the ride? I feel like I simply get up, play with Sammy, make lunch, do chores, make supper, play with Sammy some more, watch TV, go to bed EVERY SINGLE DAY with no other excitement. But in reality, a lot of things are happening in our lives that are exciting and new.

* I’m feeling so much better! The first trimester woes are finally past.

* Our church just voted on a new worship pastor, so now we’re only searching for 2 additional pastors—youth ministry and community life. The search for a new youth pastor is finally picking up speed, and Brad is excited about a couple of applicants.

* Winter youth retreats are done…yahoo…so Brad won’t be gone any more weekends for awhile.

* My parents came to visit 2 weekends ago and we had a great time playing with Sammy, watching movies, and spending quality time together.

* I got to spend an ENTIRE day scrapbooking with my Twin Cities friends last Saturday. It was a wonderful day of refreshing conversation, yummy food, and 12 more completed pages!

* Cadre (our high school ministry team students) did an amazing job planning and running the Super Bowl party on Sunday. Brad was so sick (he woke up Sunday morning sounding AWFUL and complaining that “death lived in his throat”), and they totally took care of all the details. Great job guys!

* Brad, Sammy, and I survived traveling to the Cities yesterday in the snow and ice and wind. We almost got into a HUGE car pile-up and went into the ditch, but Brad was able to safely maneuver back onto the road. God was certainly looking out for us!

* I got to spend most of yesterday with my good friends Gianna and her husband Chris, and got to stop quickly to see my other friends Megan and Dacia. Now, we only intended to quickly stop to see Dacia, but her husband Andy was home so Brad just had to come in and check out his new strategy games. Before I knew it, Brad and Andy and Andy’s friend Larry were playing a game and Andy had convinced us to stay for dinner. So after dinner, we just had to play one more game. We finally got home at 9:45 p.m. after leaving that morning at 6:15 a.m. It was a long day, but well worth it.

God has been truly good to us and has allowed us to see many friends and family, has kept us safe while traveling, and has been working in our youth group and church.

So, life isn’t just passing me by…and that is cause for celebration.

MOPS woes

I really enjoy going to MOPS every two weeks. I have a couple of good friends who overlap into my BSF discussion group or small group at church that I've gotten to know pretty well. I love all the great food...and the games, discussions, and speakers. Plus it's just wonderful dropping Sammy off in the nursery for two hours and knowing that she's being very well taken care of and getting to play with other children her age...plus, every parent LOVES free childcare!

But I've been feeling a little bit on the outside looking in when it comes to the women at my table. I know all of them through church or BSF, but they were a very tight group before I was placed at their table about a year ago. While I've made some improvements and have done some meal making and scrapbooking with them, I realized this past Tuesday that I'm still the odd man out.

I don't know if what sets me apart is that my children are much younger then most of theirs...most of them have older children with just one young child (4 or 5 years of age) still in MOPS...or if it's because they've been married longer and have much more income than Brad and I do...and some of them work at least part time as well.

Anyway, there were only 6 of us there on Tuesday. (The other two moms...who happen to kind of be in the same financial spot Brad and I are in were gone for some reason...lucky me.) And of the 6 of us, 5...or shall I say ALL the other women besides me...were taking a Disney cruise together the next week. (One of them works as a travel agent for Disney and organizes cruises and other Disney vacations for families.) And a lot of the discussion for that day was about the cruise and when they were leaving and making appointments to get manicures done and so forth.

Now I LOVE hearing about other people's trips and vacations, and maybe it was just the mood I was in, but I just couldn't help feeling sorry for myself. This is the tightest year financially for us, and we are just hoping and praying to save enough money for my grad school and for a cruise in 2 1/2 years. And while I'm so grateful for all that we have, it was so hard for me to not think about what I was missing out on. I was happy for them, really, but I was so sad that it will be YEARS before Brad and I can enjoy something like that.

I know that in a few days I'll feel better about it, and maybe I just have to spend some time thanking God for what He has blessed us with...and also asking forgiveness for being envious.

I guess it's just hard some days to be content. And no matter what season your in, there's always something more you are wishing for.

And today, I am really wishing for a vacation in the sun.

Pregnancy joys

I had been having a pretty blah week this week. I was extra tired from last weekend, I had a kind of rough time at MOPS, and I knew that Brad was AGAIN leaving for a youth retreat today.

But last night, around 7:30 p.m. I felt the baby move for the first time!

This pregnancy has been SO DIFFERENT than my last one. I've actually thrown up several times, had horrible constipation, heartburn, and indigestion, had headaches, a constant stuffy nose, and nose bleeds. These are all common symptoms that come along with being pregnant, but ones I had never experienced before. And I know they say "every pregnancy is different," but it really has been true for me.

I'm already 16 1/2 weeks and am ALREADY scheduling the ultrasound. It seems crazy how fast it has already flown by. And after hearing the baby's heartbeat a few weeks ago, and now having felt that little flutter (THREE TIMES) last night, it is becoming more and more real.

But it's sad that I haven't paid as much attention to this pregnancy as I did with Sammy's. I know I've got a toddler to chase around, but I want to really enjoy this...because I know there's a chance this might be my last one.

But for now, I am reveling in a good and safe pregnancy so far, a strong heartbeat, and the flutter of life inside me. What is happening in my womb is a miracle, plain and simple. It is something today that I want to sit back and meditate on. I want to spend a few moments in awe of what is truly happening to me...and not just take it for granted. I want to enjoy the fact that God blessed me enough to allow me to feel the joy and pains of motherhood.

And I want to make sure to praise the one who gave this gift to me: the great Creator and Life-giver.

Sick Sammy

Sammy had her first real bout of sickness this weekend, and it radically changed how I love, care, and pray for her. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

It all started on Friday afternoon when Sammy refused to take have a snack or a drink. I didn't think anything of it because she was going to eat supper in a couple of hours, and sometimes she didn't eat a snack if she had a large lunch. At 6:00, I put her in her high chair, and as I turned around to get her food ready, she threw up everywhere! Luckily most of it landed on her tray and her bib. I grabbed a huge towel, wrapped her up in it, and took her straight to the tub. Even though she had cried right before and right after vomiting, she seemed pretty happy in the tub. I got her cleaned up and held her until Brad got home so I could clean everything else up.

About an hour or so later, we checked her temp (which was normal) and gave her some much diluted apple juice. She threw that up about 5 minutes later. It was her bedtime, so after calling our parish nurse, I decided to put her to bed and give her 1/2 - 1 oz. of water every time she woke up throughout the night. (She had been waking up a couple of times a night the day or two before because she was cutting 3 teeth and had a little cold.) She woke up every 2-3 hours, and we gave her water each time and she managed to keep it down.

She slept most of the day on Saturday. She would wake up every 2-3 hours, and we'd give her water and some crackers and hold her, and within 30-45 minutes of waking up, she'd fall asleep in our arms and we'd put her back to bed. She didn't talk, play, walk, or really even move the ENTIRE day. It was a very long and (emotionally and physically) exhausting day for me.

By that evening, she had eaten a few crackers and some water and had kept everything down. She had wet (and soiled) diapers so I wasn't concerned about dehydration, but throughout the day, her temp had been on the rise and by 9:00 had risen to 103.3. I called our local nurse-line (by the end of the weekend I was on a first name basis with two of the nurses), and followed their advice. We gave Sammy some diluted Gatorade, unbundled her a little, and gave her some infant Tylenol. Throughout the night, her temp slowly came down, but then she started having diarrhea. I called the nurse-line again Sunday morning and continued to do what the nurse suggested. Sammy would still only drink a sip or two and eat 3-4 bites of applesauce or toast or crackers. She still didn't really move or whine or cry. She just seemed very, very exhausted.

The nurses told me that she probably had a G.I. tract infection and that it was following its course...vomiting, temperature, diarrhea...and so on. And I knew Sammy (and I) were lucky that she only threw up a couple of times and her fever only lasted around 12 hours, but that still didn't make me feel any better. I just wanted her to feel better and to chase her around the house. And it wasn't until Monday at noon that she began to eat more and walk a little around the house. Even today she's still not back to her old self.

Above are two pictures...one was taken a few days before she got sick...I just love her pig tails! The second one was taken on Saturday. That's exactly how she was for over 72 hours.

There were a lot of things that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle as a mother (like labor, nursing, changing stinky diapers, cleaning up vomit, etc.). But somehow I made it through, and I learned a lot along the way. Like...

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for Sammy.

Even though I say I put others first in my life, I really haven’t all the time…except for my child. Anything that I wanted to do for myself (or Brad or others) this past weekend was put on hold because Sammy was sick and she needed Mommy.

I really think the definition of selflessness is motherhood. Nothing has ever moved me like her tired, sick little face.

And, for a moment, I had the smallest, tiniest glimpse of how our Heavenly Father looks at us in our pain…with compassion, love, and open arms. And I know that I can trust Him to care for me, my family and friends, and my daughter.